ALL WELCOME, PLEASE COME INSIDE AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME
The two men were beside themselves.
"What do you think about that, eh? Everything works out after all. Here we've had such a rotten day, but look how our luck has changed. It's a restaurant, but we get to eat for free!"
"Sure seems that way. That's what 'make yourself at home' means."
They pushed open the door and walked inside. On the other side was a corridor. On the reverse side of the glass door, in gold lettering it said,
OVERWEIGHT AND YOUNG PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY WELCOME
The two men were thrilled.
"Hey, we are especially welcome."
"Yeah, we're both!"
They walked briskly down the corridor, where this time they came to a light blue painted door.
"This is a very strange house. Why do you think it has so many doors?"
"This is Russian style. Houses in cold climates and in the mountains are all like this."
As they went to open the door, they noticed at the top, in yellow lettering, it said,
THIS IS A RESTAURANT OF MANY ORDERS. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
"Gee, they're pretty popular. This far into the woods!?"
"Sure. Think about it. Not many of the big restaurants in Tokyo are on the main roads."
They opened the door as they were speaking. On the reverse side of the door, it said
WE DO HAVE MANY MANY ORDERS SO PLEASE BEAR WITH US FOR EACH ONE
"What are they saying here exactly?" asked one of the gentleman, frowning.
"Well, what they mean by this is, they have so many orders, it's going to take them a while to get our food ready, so they are sorry about that."
"Yes, that'd be it. I really want to get inside some kind of room quickly."
"Yes, and get seated at a table."
But to their annoyance there was yet another door. Beside it, a mirror was hanging on the wall, under which was placed a long-handled brush.
On the door in red lettering, it said:
DEAR CUSTOMERS, PLEASE NEATLY BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND CLEAN THE MUD FROM YOUR SHOES.
"I guess that's only reasonable. To be honest, back at the entrance, I didn't think it could be much of a restaurant, seeing as it's in the middle of the woods."
"They're pretty strict on etiquette here. I'm sure they must get a lot of very important people."
They neatly brushed their hair and cleaned the mud from their boots.
Then what do you think happened? Just as they were placing the brush back on the shelf, it suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke, and a large gust of wind blew into the room.
Startled, the two men huddled together, shoving open the door and rushing into the next room. Both men were thinking that if they didn't get something warm to eat soon, and get their strength back, this could end up becoming a disaster.
Something strange was written on the other side of this door as well.
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR RIFLES AND BULLETS HERE.
There was a black stand beside the door.
"I suppose that's reasonable, you can't hold your rifle while you are eating."
"Yeah, they must get really important people coming here all the time."
The two men took off their rifles, removed their leather belts and placed them together on the table.
After passing through that door, there was another black door.
PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HATS, COATS AND SHOES.
"What do you think? Take 'em off?"
"Yes, no choice really. There's very important people here, do doubt about it. They must be inside already."
The two men placed their hats and overcoats on the pegs, took off their shoes and walked pitter-patter through the door.
On the other side of the door, it said:
PLEASE REMOVE YOUR TIE PINS, CUFF LINKS, GLASSES, WALLETS, AND ANY OTHER METAL, ESPECIALLY SHARP OBJECTS
Right next to the door was a shiny black safe with the door open. There was even a key.
"Oh I see, they must apply some kind of electric charge to the food. That's why metallic objects would be dangerous. Especially sharp objects."
"Yes, that'd be it. I guess that means we pay here on our way out?"
"It would seem that way."
"Yes. That's surely it."
The two of them removed their glasses and cuff links and put everything into the safe, and then locked it with the key.
A little further ahead was another door, and in front of it was a glass jar. On the door it said:
PLEASE TAKE SOME CREAM FROM THE JAR AND APPLY IT GENEROUSLY TO YOUR FACE, HANDS AND FEET
The substance in the jar looked like dairy cream.
"Why would they ask us to put on cream?"
"Well, it's probably because it's so cold outside. If it is really warm in the dining room, we'd get cracks in our skin, so this cream will prevent that. There must be some very, very important people inside. This might be our big change to get close to the aristocracy."
The two men spread the cream on their face, all over their hands and then took off their socks and smeared it over their feet. But there was still some left over, so both men, while pretending to spread more over their face, secretly ate it.
After they rushed through that door, there was another message on the reverse side,
DID YOU APPLY LOTS OF CREAM? HOW ABOUT YOUR EARS?"
There was a small jar of cream next to the door.
"Oh yeah, I missed the ears. That was lucky, I would have got cracks in my ears. The owner of this restaurant has really done their preparation."
"Yes, they really pay attention to the smallest details. But I have to say, I'm really keen to get something to eat soon; this corridor seems to go on forever."
Right in front of them was yet another door.
DINNER IS ALMOST DONE.
WE WON'T KEEP YOU WAITING MORE THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES.
YOU WILL BE SERVED SHORTLY.
PLEASE QUICKLY SPLASH SOME PERFUME OVER YOUR HEAD
In front of the door was a gilded perfume bottle.
The two men splashed some perfume over their head.
But for some strange reason, the perfume had a strong vinegary odor.
"This perfume smells like vinegar. What's going on here then?"
"They've made a mistake. The waitress must have a cold or something and she's mixed them up."
The two men opened the door and walked through.
In large letters on the other side of the door, it said:
THERE CERTAINLY WERE A LOT OF ORDERS, WEREN'T THERE? WE APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE TROUBLE.
BUT THIS IS THE LAST ONE. PLEASE TAKE A LARGE HANDFUL OF SALT FROM THE JAR AND MASSAGE IT IN WELL, ALL OVER YOUR BODY
Beside the door was a beautiful ceramic bowl filled with salt, but this time they stared wide-eyed into each other's cream soaked faces, as if this was finally too much.
"This isn't right."
"No, there's something wrong here."
"That's saying that the many orders, are from them, to us!"
"That's why, this European restaurant, the way I see it, doesn't serve European cuisine to people who come here; it's a restaurant that serves up people who come here as European cuisine and then eats them. Which... which m...m...m...means, w...w...w...we...we...we are...," chatter, chatter, chatter... the first gentleman was shaking so badly he couldn't finish the sentence.
"It's us th... th... that's going to g.. g... get.... aahh!" chatter, chatter
, chatter... the second gentleman was shaking so badly he couldn't finish his sentence either.
"Ru.. ru... ru...n" As they stood shaking, one of the gentlemen pushed against the door behind them, but would you believe it, now it wouldn't move an inch.
Further down the corridor was another door with two large key holes in the shape of a silver knife and fork.
On the door was written:
THANK YOU INDEED FOR GOING TO SO MUCH TROUBLE. YOU HAVE PREPARED YOURSELVES EXCELLENTLY. PLEASE COME INSIDE TO EAT.
To top it off there were two blue eyes staring at them through the keyhole.
"Hyaa!!" chatter, chatter, chatter.
"Hyaa!!" chatter, chatter, chatter.
The two began blubbering out loud.
On the other side of the door, two voices began to speak in hushed voices.
"It's no good. They've worked it out. I don't think they are going to rub in the salt."
"Of course they aren't. It's the way the boss wrote it. Why did he have to write There certainly were a lot of orders, weren't there, and We apologize for all the trouble; that was just silly.
"It doesn't make any difference. He doesn't give us any bones anyway."
"That may be so, but if they don't come in then we'll be the ones that get in trouble."
"Shall we call out to them? Let's call out to them. Gentlemen, gentlemen, quickly, quickly, Come on in. Come on in. The plates are washed and we've rubbed the vegetables with salt. All that's left is to mix you both with some greens and put you on a sparkling white plate. Quickly, quickly, come on in!"
"Yes, quickly, quickly, come on in! Maybe you don't like salad? Shall we light the stove, and fry you up instead? In any case, quickly, quickly, come on in!"
The two men were in such terrible distress their faces crumpled up like paper, and they stood staring at each other, trembling all over and crying in silence.
Hew, hew, came the laughter from the other side of the door, followed by more cries of,
"Come on in, come on in. Why, if you keep crying you'll waste all that nice cream. Yes boss, will be right there. The food is on the way! Quickly, quickly, come on in."
"Quickly, quickly, come on in. The boss already has on his napkin, his knife is at the ready and he's licking his lips while he waits for you."
The two men balled and balled and balled their eyes out.
Suddenly from behind came a great noise,
"Woof, woof, Grrrr!" and then those two great dogs that were like polar bears, burst through the door and into the room. The pair of eyes in the keyhole quickly disappeared. The two dogs growled as they ran round and around the room. They then barked,
"Ruff!" at the top of their voice, and jumped with full force into the next door. The door opened with a bang and the dogs flew into the room as if they'd been sucked inside.
Out of the pitch blackness on the other side of the door, came cries of
"Meo-o-w…kyee-ya-h…hiss," followed by a loud crash.
The entire room vanished like smoke, and the two men found themselves standing in the middle of the wild grass shivering from the cold.
Their coats, shoes, wallets, tie pins and other items were strewn all about the woods, some hanging from the trees, some lying amongst tree roots. The wind howled, the grass swooshed, the leaves rustled, the trees groaned.
The dogs came back panting heavily.
From behind, someone called,
"Gentlemen, Gentle-m-e-n!"
They quickly came to their senses, shouting out,
"We're here, we're here, come quick."
Their guide came wading slowly through the long grass wearing a straw hat.
Only then did their panic finally subside.
They ate some dumplings that the hunter brought with him, and then bought a pheasant for only 10 yen before heading home to Tokyo.
But unfortunately, even after they returned to Tokyo, even after they took a hot bath, their faces, having once crumpled up like paper, never did return to normal.
THE END
Kenju's Forest Playground
by Kenji Miyazawa
Kenju wore a rope tied around his waist, laughing as he walked slowly through the forest or between the farmers' fields. He got great pleasure from looking at the green thicket in the rain, and if he was staring wide-eyed above his head and found a hawk soaring endlessly across the clear blue sky, he'd leap into the air and clap his hands to let everyone know.
But all the other kids used to make terrible fun of Kenju, so he started pretending that he wasn't laughing at all. When a gust of wind would blow the leaves of the beech tree and make them flicker in the sun, Kenju would be so happy that he couldn't stop laughing to himself, so he'd open his mouth as wide as it would go, and laugh only while he was blowing outwards so no-one would notice, as he stood looking up at that beech tree forever and ever. And sometimes, he'd rub the corner of his wide-open mouth with his finger, as if it was really itchy, laughing only when he breathed out.
From a distance someone might think Kenju was scratching the side of his mouth or maybe yawning, but of course up close they could hear him laughing while he was breathing, and they could see his mouth twitching, so the children made fun and laughed at him for that too.
If his mum asked him to, he'd fetch five hundred buckets of water. And he'd spend all day picking a bucket full of weeds from the field. But neither his mum nor his dad ever really thought about asking him to do those kinds of things.
Well, right behind Kenju's house there was an open field about the size of a large playground that had yet to be cultivated. One year, when the mountains were still covered in snow and the grass in the fields had yet to send up any new shoots, Kenju raced up to where the rest of his family were plowing the rice field, and said,
"Ma, can you buy me seven hundred cedar seedlings?"
Kenju's mum stopped swinging her forked hoe that was glittering in the sun, and looked directly at Kenju,
"Seven hundred cedar seedlings! Where are you going to plant them?"
"In the field behind the house."
Then Kenju's older brother said to him,
"Kenju, if you plant cedar seedlings there they won't grow. Why don't you give us a hand plowing the field instead?"
Kenju fidgeted restlessly, looking down at his feet.
Just then, Kenju's dad, working a little further away, stood up straight, wiping sweat from his face as he did so,
"Go buy 'em. Go buy 'em. Kenju, you've never asked for anything in your life. Go buy 'em," and Kenju's mother laughed as if reassured.
Kenju was overjoyed and ran straight toward the house. He then grabbed a hoe from the shed, and chipping away at the grass, he began to dig the holes for the cedar seedlings.
Kenju's older brother followed him over to the field, and when he saw what he was doing, said,
"Kenju, for cedars you don't dig the holes until you plant 'em. Wait 'til tomorrow. I'll go buy 'em for you."
Kenju reluctantly put down his hoe.
The next day there was a beautiful clear sky, the snow on the mountains shone a brilliant white, and the skylarks flew high, high in the sky, singing chee-chiku chee-chiku. Grinning as if he were about to burst, Kenju started digging holes for the cedar seedlings just as his brother taught him, this time from the northern boundary. He dug them in a perfectly straight line at very precise intervals. Kenju's brother planted a seedling in each of the holes.
Just then, Heiji, who owned the farm land to the north of that field, walked up with a pipe in his mouth, his hands in his pockets and hunched over, as if cold. Heiji did a little farming, but he also worked doing something else - something people hated. Heiji called out to Kenju,
"Oi! Kenju, you'd have to be stupid to plant cedar trees here. For starters, it's gonna block the sun from my field."
Kenju's face turned red and he was about to say something but no words came out, and he stood there fidgeting.
Just then Ke
nju's brother called out,
"Mornin' Heiji." and stood up from where he was working, so Heiji trudged off, still sulking.
It certainly wasn't just Heiji who ridiculed the idea of planting cedars in that field. Everyone said that you couldn't grow cedars there, that the soil was hard clay, and that fools would be fools. And that was exactly how it turned out. The green heart of the cedars shot straight up towards the sky for the first five years, but afterwards the tops of the trees became more and more rounded, and by the seventh and the eighth year, the cedars were only around nine feet tall.
One day as Kenju was standing in front of his forest, a farmer said to him as a joke,
"Hey, Kenju. Aren't you going to raise-prune those cedars?"
"What's raise-pruning?"
"Raise-pruning is when you take a hatchet and knock off all the bottom branches."
"Maybe I should raise-prune them."
Kenju ran off and grabbed a hatchet.
Starting from the edge of the forest, he began chopping off the bottom branches one at a time. Because the trees were only around nine feet high, Kenju had to crouch down to get beneath the branches.
By evening every one of the trees had been stripped of all but the top three or four branches. The grass below was completely covered by the dark green branches and the small forest had become light-filled and bare. Seeing it suddenly so bare gave Kenju an awful feeling and a sad look came over his face.
Just then, Kenju's brother returned from the field and came up to where Kenju was standing, but burst out laughing when he looked at the trees. Then he remarked encouragingly to Kenju who was standing there looking miserable,
"You've made some good firewood. Let’s pile up the branches. The forest looks great."
This finally put Kenju at ease and together they ducked beneath the trees and gathered up all the cut branches. The grass below was short and neat; the kind of place some old wise men might play at chess.
However, the next day, while picking out rotten beans in the shed, Kenju heard a great ruckus coming from the direction of the forest. Kenju was startled by the sound of orders being given this way and that... an imitation of a trumpet... feet stepping in time... and shrieks of laughter that were enough to send all the birds scattering from the trees..., and he went over to take a look.
To his amazement, at least fifty children had gathered on their way home from school and were marching in step between the cedar trees, all in a single line. No matter which way they walked, every row looked just like a boulevard. The cedar trees appeared as if they were dressed in green and walking together in a line, which had the children beside themselves with laughter, and they screamed like Bull-headed Shrikes and their faces turned bright red, as they marched down the rows of cedars. Each of the rows were quickly given names such as Tokyo Boulevard, Russia Boulevard and Western Boulevard.