"Okay, so I'm seeing cars and trucks parked off to the sides or at the start of woods roads every here and there, and I'm also seeing hunters walking with their guns broken open over their arms. Every single one of them lifted his hand to me--folks are friendlier in '58, there's no doubt about that. I waved back, too, but what I was really waiting for was another flat. Or a blowout. That would probably have sent me right off the road and into the ditch, because I was doing sixty at least. I remember one of the hunters patting the air with his hands, the way you do when you're telling someone to slow down, but I paid no attention.
"I flew up Bowie Hill, and just past the old Friends' Meeting House, I spied a pickemup parked by the graveyard. POULIN CONSTRUCTION AND CARPENTRY painted on the door. Truck empty. Poulin and his girl in the woods, maybe sitting in a clearing somewhere, eating their lunch and talking the way fathers and daughters do. Or at least how I imagine they do, never having had one myself--"
Another long fit of coughing, which ended with a terrible wet gagging sound.
"Ah shit, don't that hurt," he groaned.
"Al, you need to stop."
He shook his head and wiped a slick of blood off his lower lip with the heel of his palm. "What I need is to get this out, so shut up and let me do it.
"I gave the truck a good long stare, still rolling at sixty or so all the while, and when I looked back at the road, I saw there was a tree down across it. I stopped just in time to keep from crashing into it. It wasn't a big tree, and before the cancer went to work on me, I was pretty strong. Also, I was mad as hell. I got out and started wrestling with it. While I was doing that--also cussing my head off--a car came along from the other direction. Man gets out, wearing an orange hunting vest. I don't know for sure if it's my man or not--the Enterprise never printed his picture--but he looks like the right age.
"He says, 'Let me help you with that, oldtimer.'
"'Thank you very much,' I says, and holds out my hand. 'Bill Laidlaw.'
"He shakes it and says, 'Andy Cullum.' So it was him. Given all the trouble I'd had getting to Durham, I could hardly believe it. I felt like I'd won the lottery. We grabbed the tree, and between us we got it shifted. When it was, I sat down on the road and grabbed my chest. He asked me if I was okay. 'Well, I don't know,' I says. 'I never had a heart attack, but this sure feels like one.' Which is why Mr. Andy Cullum never got any hunting done on that November afternoon, Jake, and why he never shot any little girl, either. He was busy taking poor old Bill Laidlaw up to Central Maine General in Lewiston."
"You did it? You actually did it?"
"Bet your ass. I told em at the hospital that I'd had a big old hero for lunch--what's called an Italian sandwich back then--and the diagnosis was 'acute indigestion.' I paid twenty-five dollars in cash and they sprung me. Cullum waited around and took me back to my Hertz car, how's that for neighborly? I returned home to 2011 that very night . . . only of course I came back only two minutes after I left. Shit like that'll give you jet-lag without ever getting on a plane.
"My first stop was the town library, where I looked up the story of the 1965 high school graduation again. Before, there'd been a photo of Carolyn Poulin to go with it. The principal back then--Earl Higgins, he's long since gone to his reward--was bending over to hand her her diploma as she sat in her wheelchair, all dressed up in her cap and gown. The caption underneath said, Carolyn Poulin reaches a major goal on her long road to recovery."
"Was it still there?"
"The story about the graduation was, you bet. Graduation day always makes the front page in smalltown newspapers, you know that, buddy. But after I came back from '58, the picture was of a boy with a half-assed Beatle haircut standing at the podium and the caption said, Valedictorian Trevor "Buddy" Briggs speaks to graduation assemblage. They listed every graduate--there were only a hundred or so--and Carolyn Poulin wasn't among em. So I checked the graduation story from '64, which was the year she would have graduated if she hadn't been busy getting better from being shot in the spine. And bingo. No picture and no special mention, but she was listed right between David Platt and Stephanie Routhier."
"Just another kid marching to 'Pomp and Circumstance,' right?"
"Right. Then I plugged her name into the Enterprise's search function, and got some hits after 1964. Not many, three or four. About what you'd expect for an ordinary woman living an ordinary life. She went to the University of Maine, majored in business administration, then went to grad school in New Hampshire. I found one more story, from 1979, not long before the Enterprise folded. FORMER LISBON RESIDENT STUDENT WINS NATIONAL DAYLILY COMPETITION, it said. There was a picture of her, standing on her own two good legs, with the winning lily. She lives . . . lived . . . I don't know which way is right, maybe both . . . in a town outside of Albany, New York."
"Married? Kids?"
"Don't think so. In the picture, she's holding up the winning daylily and there are no rings on her left hand. I know what you're thinking, not much that changed except for being able to walk. But who can really tell? She was living in a different place and influenced the lives of who knows how many different people. Ones she never would have known if Cullum had shot her and she'd stayed in The Falls. See what I mean?"
What I saw was it was really impossible to tell, one way or another, but I agreed with him, because I wanted to finish with this before he collapsed. And I intended to see him safely into his bed before I left.
"What I'm telling you, Jake, is that you can change the past, but it's not as easy as you might think. That morning I felt like a man trying to fight his way out of a nylon stocking. It would give a little, then snap back just as tight as before. Finally, though, I managed to rip it open."
"Why would it be hard? Because the past doesn't want to be changed?"
"Something doesn't want it to be changed, I'm pretty sure of that. But it can be. If you take the resistance into account, it can be." Al was looking at me, eyes bright in his haggard face. "All in all, the story of Carolyn Poulin ends with 'And she lived happily ever after,' wouldn't you say?"
"Yes."
"Look inside the back cover of the notebook I gave you, buddy, and you might change your mind. Little something I printed out today."
I did as he asked and found a cardboard pocket. For storing things like office memos and business cards, I assumed. A single sheet of paper was folded into it. I took it out, opened it up, and looked for a long time. It was a computer printout of page 1 of the Weekly Lisbon Enterprise. The date below the masthead was June 18, 1965. The headline read: LHS CLASS OF '65 GOES FORTH IN TEARS, LAUGHTER. In the photograph, a bald man (his mortarboard tucked under his arm so it wouldn't tumble off his head) was bending over a smiling girl in a wheelchair. He was holding one side of her diploma; she was holding the other. Carolyn Poulin reaches a major goal on her long road to recovery, the caption read.
I looked up at Al, confused. "If you changed the future and saved her, how can you have this?"
"Every trip's a reset, buddy. Remember?"
"Oh my God. When you went back to stop Oswald, everything you did to save Poulin got erased."
"Yes . . . and no."
"What do you mean, yes and no?"
"The trip back to save Kennedy was going to be the last trip, but I was in no hurry to get down to Texas. Why would I be? In September of 1958, Ozzie Rabbit--that's what his fellow Marines called him--isn't even in America. He's steaming gaily around the South Pacific with his unit, keeping Japan and Formosa safe for democracy. So I went back to the Shadyside Cabins in Sebago and hung out there until November fifteenth. Again. But when it rolled around, I left even earlier in the morning, which was a good fucking call on my part, because I didn't just have a couple of flat tires that time. My goddam rental Chevy threw a rod. Ended up paying the service station guy in Naples sixty bucks to use his car for the day, and left him my Marine Corps ring as extra security. Had some other adventures, which I won't bother recapping--"
"Was the br
idge still out in Durham?"
"Don't know, buddy, I didn't even try going that way. A person who doesn't learn from the past is an idiot, in my estimation. One thing I learned was which way Andrew Cullum would be coming, and I wasted no time getting there. The tree was down across the road, just like before, and when he came along, I was wrestling with it, just like before. Pretty soon I'm having chest pains, just like before. We played out the whole comedy, Carolyn Poulin had her Saturday in the woods with her dad, and a couple of weeks later I said yahoo and got on a train for Texas."
"Then how can I still have this picture of her graduating in a wheelchair?"
"Because every trip down the rabbit-hole's a reset." Then Al just looked at me, to see if I got it. After a minute, I did.
"I--?"
"That's right, buddy. You bought yourself a dime root beer this afternoon. You also put Carolyn Poulin back in a wheelchair."
CHAPTER 4
1
Al let me help him into his bedroom, and even muttered "Thanks, buddy" when I knelt to unlace his shoes and pull them off. He only balked when I offered to help him into the bathroom.
"Making the world a better place is important, but so is being able to get to the john under your own power."
"Just as long as you're sure you can make it."
"I'm sure I can tonight, and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Go home, Jake. Start reading the notebook--there's a lot there. Sleep on it. Come see me in the morning and tell me what you decided. I'll still be here."
"Ninety-five percent probability?"
"At least ninety-seven. On the whole, I'm feeling pretty chipper. I wasn't sure I'd even get this far with you. Just telling it--and having you believe it--is a load off my mind."
I wasn't sure I did believe it, even after my adventure that afternoon, but I didn't say so. I told him goodnight, reminded him not to lose count of his pills ("Yeah, yeah"), and left. I stood outside looking at the gnome with his Lone Star flag for a minute before going down the walk to my car.
Don't mess with Texas, I thought . . . but maybe I was going to. And given Al's difficulties with changing the past--the blown tires, the blown engine, the collapsed bridge--I had an idea that if I went ahead, Texas was going to mess with me.
2
After all that, I didn't think I'd be able to get to sleep before two or three in the morning, and there was a fair likelihood that I wouldn't be able to get to sleep at all. But sometimes the body asserts its own imperatives. By the time I got home and fixed myself a weak drink (being able to have liquor in the house again was one of several small pluses in my return to the single state), I was heavy-eyed; by the time I had finished the scotch and read the first nine or ten pages of Al's Oswald Book, I could barely keep them open.
I rinsed my glass in the sink, went into the bedroom (leaving a trail of clothes behind me as I walked, a thing Christy would have given me hell about), and fell onto the double bed where I now slept single. I thought about reaching over to turn off the bedside lamp, but my arm felt heavy, heavy. Correcting honors essays in the strangely quiet teachers' room now seemed like something that had happened a very long time ago. Nor was that strange; everyone knows that, for such an unforgiving thing, time is uniquely malleable.
I crippled that girl. Put her back in a wheelchair.
When you went down those steps from the pantry this afternoon, you didn't even know who Carolyn Poulin was, so don't be an ass. Besides, maybe somewhere she's still walking. Maybe going through that hole creates alternate realities, or time-streams, or some damn thing.
Carolyn Poulin, sitting in her wheelchair and getting her diploma. Back in the year when "Hang On Sloopy" by the McCoys was top of the pops.
Carolyn Poulin, walking through her garden of daylilies in 1979, when "Y.M.C.A." by the Village People was top of the pops; occasionally dropping to one knee to pull some weeds, then springing up again and walking on.
Carolyn Poulin in the woods with her dad, soon to be crippled.
Carolyn Poulin in the woods with her dad, soon to walk into an ordinary smalltown adolescence. Where had she been on that time-stream, I wondered, when the radio and TV bulletins announced that the thirty-fifth President of the United States had been shot in Dallas?
John Kennedy can live. You can save him, Jake.
And would that really make things better? There were no guarantees.
I felt like a man trying to fight his way out of a nylon stocking.
I closed my eyes and saw pages flying off a calendar--the kind of corny transition they used in old movies. I saw them flying out my bedroom window like birds.
One more thought came before I dropped off: the dopey sophomore with the even dopier straggle of goatee on his chin, grinning and muttering, Hoptoad Harry, hoppin down the av-a-new. And Harry stopping me when I went to call the kid on it. Nah, don't bother, he'd said. I'm used to it.
Then I was gone, down for the count.
3
I woke up to early light and twittering birdsong, pawing at my face, sure I had cried just before waking. I'd had a dream, and although I couldn't remember what it was, it must have been a very sad one, because I have never been what you'd call a crying man.
Dry cheeks. No tears.
I turned my head on the pillow to look at the clock on the nightstand and saw it lacked just two minutes of 6:00 A.M. Given the quality of the light, it was going to be a beautiful June morning, and school was out. The first day of summer vacation is usually as happy for teachers as it is for students, but I felt sad. Sad. And not just because I had a tough decision to make.
Halfway to the shower, three words popped into my mind: Kowabunga, Buffalo Bob!
I stopped, naked and looking at my own wide-eyed reflection in the mirror over the dresser. Now I remembered the dream, and it was no wonder I'd awoken feeling sad. I'd dreamed I was in the teachers' room, reading Adult English themes while down the hall in the gymnasium, another high school basketball game wound down toward another final buzzer. My wife was just out of rehab. I was hoping that she'd be home when I got there and I wouldn't have to spend an hour on the phone before locating her and fishing her out of some local waterhole.
In the dream, I had shifted Harry Dunning's essay to the top of the pile and begun to read: It wasnt a day but a night. The night that change my life was the night my father murdirt my mother and two brothers. . . .
That had gotten my full attention, and in a hurry. Well, it would get anybody's, wouldn't it? But my eyes had only begun to sting when I got to the part about what he'd been wearing. The outfit made perfect sense, too. When kids went out on that special fall night, carrying empty bags they hoped to bring back filled with sweet swag, their costumes always reflected the current craze. Five years ago, it seemed that every second boy who showed up at my door was wearing Harry Potter eyeglasses and a lightning-bolt-scar decal on his forehead. On my own maiden voyage as a candy-beggar, many moons ago, I'd gone clanking down the sidewalk (with my mother trailing ten feet behind me, at my urgent request) dressed as a snowtrooper from The Empire Strikes Back. So was it surprising that Harry Dunning had been wearing buckskin?
"Kowabunga, Buffalo Bob," I told my reflection, and suddenly ran for my study. I don't keep all student work, no teacher does--you'd drown in it!--but I made a habit of photocopying the best essays. They make great teaching tools. I never would have used Harry's in class, it was far too personal for that, but I thought I remembered making a copy of it just the same, because it had provoked such a strong emotional reaction in me. I pulled open the bottom drawer and began thumbing through the rat's nest of folders and loose papers. After fifteen sweaty minutes, I found it. I sat down in my desk chair and began to read.
4
It wasnt a day but a night. The night that change my life was the night my father murdirt my mother and two brothers and hurt me bad. He hurt my sister too, so bad she went into a comah. In three years she died without waking up. Her name was Ellen and I loved her very
much. She love to pick flowers and put them in vayses. What happen was like a horra movie. I never go see horra movies because on Halloween night in 1958 I lived thru one.
My brother Troy was to old for trick and treat (15). He was watching TV with my mother and said he would help us eat our candy when we came back and Ellen, she said no you won't, dress up and get your own, and everybody laughed because we all loved Ellen, she was only 7 but she was a real Lucile Ball, she could make anybody laugh, even my father (if he was sober that is, when he was drunk he was always mad). She was going as Princess Summerfall Winterspring (I look it up and that's how you spell it) and I was going as Buffalo Bob, both from THE HOWDY DOODY SHOW we like to watch. "Say kids what time is it?" and "Let's hear from the Penut Galery" and "Kowabunga, Buffalo Bob!!!" Me and Ellen love that show. She love the Princess and I love Buffalo Bob and we both love Howdy! We wanted my brother Tugga (his name was Arthur but everyone called him Tugga, I dont remember why) to go as "Mayor Fineus T. Bluster" but he wouldnt, he said Howdy Doody was a baby show, he was going as "Frankinstine" even though Ellen she said that mask was to scary. Also, Tugga, he gave me some s--t about taking my Daisy air rifle because he said Buffalo Bob didnt have any guns on the TV show, and my mother she said, "You take it if you want to Harry its not a real gun or even shoot preten bullets so Buffalo Bob wouldnt mind." That was the last thing she ever said to me and I'm glad it was a nice thing because she could be strick.
So we was getting ready to go and I said wait a sec I have to go to the bathroom because I was so excited. They all laugh at me, even Mom and Troy on the couch but going to pee then save my life because that was when my dad come in with that hammer. My dad he was mean when he drank and beat up my mom "time and again." One time when Troy try to stop him by argueing him out of it, he broke Troys arm. That time he almost went to jail (my dad I mean). Anyway my mom and dad were "separated" at this time I'm writing about, and she was thinking about divorcing him, but that wasn't so easy back in 1958 like it is now.