“I have no idea what to think and feel right now Tanner,” I said, standing up. All I know right now is that I have to get away from you as soon as I can.
“I assume your parents are pretty excited to have you back,” I commented as I moved toward the ladder.
“Yes they are,” Tanner answered, then asked, “are you?”
I met his gaze straight on trying to pin down the feelings fighting within my heart. Am I? Am I glad Tanner is here in front of me now?
Finally, I replied, “I honestly don’t know Tanner.”
His eyes held what looked to be pain and guilt from what I do not know. Part of me knew that I should want him to feel those horrible feelings, but another part of me wanted to be in his arms and forget the past completely. I had a strong inclination that this tug-of-war was not even close to being over.
My mind was going wild and I was barely remembering to breathe. Did I really want Tanner back in my life? For so long I had wished and hoped to be in this exact position. Now that Tanner was here before me I did not know whether I actually wanted him back. After seeing him, there was no doubt I still loved him. The question I had to answer, was whether I was still ‘in love’ with him.
“I can understand that,” Tanner replied watching as I started down the ladder.
“Libby?” Tanner called. “Mom and Dad asked me to tell you they would like to meet with you tomorrow morning after you give the work orders for the day.”
My feet reached the solid ground of the barn floor and I called up, “Tell them I’ll be there.”
I turned and headed for the stalls. Without a second thought, I saddled up my horse and took off to ride the fences. Normally this is something I would give to one of the newer hands, but today I felt the need for some fresh air and to be as far away from Tanner Dixon as possible. My mind and body had grown numb and I needed to feel the wind in my hair in order to shake my thoughts loose.
After a few miles my temper began to flare thinking of his audacity just showing up after all this time. What right did he have to arrive home looking tall, dark and ridiculously handsome? If he wants to take over the ranch where does that leave me? I could either work for him or be out of a job. And what would I do with Gage? Tanner’s arrival had completely upset my calm and orderly way of life. He seemed to have a knack for completely disintegrating all of my plans for the future
The further I rode the clearer my head got, which only lead me to finally look at the real problem at hand. I was still hopelessly in love with Tanner Dixon. I am not even sure I ever stopped loving him. I had convinced myself I loved Christopher and in some ways, I had loved him enough to make a child with him. But Tanner always has had my heart with him no matter where he had laid his head. I was hoping that I came to another conclusion but knew my fate was sealed. I have to get over Tanner Dixon because he had gotten over me years ago.
I have no idea what Tanner is thinking and whether he even had more than a passing thought of me while he was in Portland. Who knows what kind of life he has been living and who has chosen to live it with? As far as I am aware he never married and had no children that the Dixons was aware of. I did know he was aware that I had been married and had Gage.
Oh God Gage! What do I tell him? Mrs. Dixon has probably already told half the town that Tanner is home. Gage is a smart boy and he will put two and two together when the gossip starts. Folks in town did not speak about Tanner much anymore, but Gage was aware of him because Mr. Dixon would sometimes tell Gage stories starring Tanner.
I already avoided bringing Gage to the ranch when the hands were there. I wanted him to learn the job, but their language and behavior was not something I wanted him exposed to just yet. How on earth was I going to avoid introducing Gage to Tanner?
This was a mess of epic proportions and I was at a complete loss for where to go next with my feelings. Gage knew me and would have no problem seeing the unresolved issues between me and Tanner. He was a curious kid and since he started noticing girls last summer he had even asked if I ever thought about dating again. I had told him he was all the man I needed in my life and he seemed to be ok with that.
My phone alarm went off reminding me of the hour. I headed back to the barn to return my horse and avoided any and all signs of human life. I left for home where hopefully I would be met with a son who had avoided the town gossip tree that day. I would know more after my meeting with the Dixons tomorrow morning. Until then it would just have to be business as usual. I would not complicate either of our lives by jumping to conclusions. Maybe Tanner was just here for a visit to let the dust settle from Portland so he could go somewhere new. Nice try Libby.
As I crawled into bed and closed my eyes, I was met once again by the vision of lightning. It was a telling sign that whatever fate had in store for me it was only just beginning. With a sigh I rolled over and spent the remainder of the night in and out of sleep. Most could be blamed on nerves but when my body did give in to sleep my dreams were delightful and full of the grown-up version of Tanner Dixon.
Chapter Four
The next morning I gently nudged Gage and told him he could sleep in. He smiled sleepily and rolled over snuggling under his pillow. I was not ready to introduce him to Tanner until I knew more about the entire situation. Somehow I had a feeling that taking him to the barn this morning I would have no choice but to introduce them. I would hate for Gage to get attached and then Tanner to go away again. Gage has had enough loss in his life and I refused to set him up for what could be heartbreak.
I would do anything for Gage and protect him from any harm. Once upon a time I loved Tanner with all my heart but now a large piece of that heart was filled with love for Gage. Tanner being back at the ranch did not change that simple fact.
I found myself spending way too much time in front of the closet choosing what to wear for the day. This is ridiculous I am not going on a date I am going to work! I ended up with a nicely worn pair of jeans and a tank top underneath my favorite flannel. How could a man I had not seen in more than a decade still affect me so much? I tried to shake off the look he gave me in the loft last night, but my dreams were still haunted by the memories of his lips and his arms wrapped around me. I was in a heap of trouble.
I kissed Gage goodbye and headed over to the ranch to feed the horses and get the works orders ready for the day. With any luck, I would be completely busy and distracted from thoughts of Tanner and his presence here at the ranch. I even set my phone alarm to remind me of my meeting with the Dixons. My heart pounded at the thought of having to leave the ranch. I was trying not to worry, but I was brilliantly losing that battle. I pulled up to the barn, took a deep breath and began my day.
I got into a steady rhythm with the feed and the only sounds were the soft neighing of the horses. I had to work double time without Gage here to help, but the extra stress on my body was keeping my mind focused on the task at hand. It was like the eye of a storm and I could feel it growing as time ticked on. Nothing good can come of this. Am I ready to face my past? I finished the feeding and headed into my office to make sure I had all of the day’s work lined up. There was a mountain of work to be done and I was in the process of streamlining the system. Time crept by as I kept my head down and tried to work through my growing nerves.
My phone alarm reminded me that it was time to hand out the daily work. An important part of running the ranch was organizing who does what. It seems like a simple task but after you have factored in the skill level of each ranch hand and the sensitivity to detail that a job required, the process became complicated and murky at best.
As they gathered around many of the ranch hands had their heads down and were looking rather uncomfortable. I sighed because even though I knew the answer without asking, I had to assert my authority. I called out one of the young ones, “Billy what’s up?” Billy shuffled his feet and kept his head down. He own lifted his eyes to mine when I stalked over and stood directly in front of him.
“Ummm some of the guys and I,” Billy stuttered, “we were just wondering what it meant for us now that Tanner is home?”
I stepped back and looked at the guys who had been with me through thick and thin during my transition to running the ranch. They were a rough bunch of fellas, but they all had hearts of gold. I could not see Tanner being vindictive enough to fire all the guys if he took over the ranch but what did I really know about the man he had become? I had to admit that I did not know much of anything about grown-up Tanner or his current sense of right and wrong.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I answered hoping I was telling them the truth. Please, let me be telling them the truth.
“I am meeting with the Dixons this morning to sort everything out and confirm where we go from here.” I continued, “Until you hear otherwise keep your head down and do good work and there will not be any problems.”
The men grabbed their gear and headed out to begin the day’s work. Billy nodded and then went on his way. I had not even thought about how this might affect the guys. I was too worried about the tornado of emotions wrecking havoc on my own body. It was my responsibility to watch out and protect these guys and their jobs. I reminded myself that I was not operating in a vacuum and I could not be selfish in this situation.
I made a few phone calls and put in some supply orders anything to avoid checking the clock every two minutes. I procrastinated as long as I could before I had to face the music. I tidied up my office, hoping it was not my last day to use it, and headed over to the ranch house for my meeting with Dixons.
I went to the side of the house and used the wash station to clean my hands and face. My hair was pulled back so it had survived the morning so far. There was no mirror at the wash station, why would the guys ever need one, so I did my best to make sure I was clean and presentable. Who am I trying to impress The Dixons or Tanner? I took a deep breath and walked toward my fate.
I had been coming to the Dixon house since I was a child and knocking had never been a requirement for entering. Where we came from locking your door was considered an insult and I spent more of my life in this house than my own. I pushed off my boots in the mudroom and made my way into the beautiful farmhouse kitchen.
This kitchen had given me comfort when I needed it most. This is not to say that my family was horrible, but I was an only child and my parents both worked very hard supplying the surrounding horse farms with feed. This required almost all of their energy and I grew up taking care of myself. When I started hanging around the Dixon Ranch Mrs. Dixon sensed I was missing some motherly love. Through the dirt and grime, she helped me remember that I had a feminine side too. I learned to bake pies, make pot roasts and of course brew a strong cup of coffee in this very kitchen.
The aroma of that strong coffee is what greeted me now, as I saw Mrs. Dixon at the counter arranging the thermos and cups. She heard the door shut and knew it must be me.
“How are you holding up Libby?” Mrs. Dixon asked in her non-invasive way, that before today had me always opening up to her. How does she think I’m holding up? Her son has just breezed back in town after a decade of leaving my heart to break into a thousand pieces!
Of course Mr. & Mrs. Dixon would know that Tanner’s return would cause me to feel things I put on the back shelf a long time ago. They had witnessed my breakdown after Tanner decided he was not coming back and watched me pretended to move on with my marriage to Christopher. They still would joke that I was the best thing to happen to Tanner and not coming back home was his biggest mistake.
I placed a kiss on her cheek and responded, “As well as can be expected.”
She chuckled and we made our way into the living room where it would seem they would be meeting. Mr. Dixon rose from the sofa giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Does he look nervous? What does that mean?
“Libby thank you for coming this morning,” Mr. Dixon began. Mrs. Dixon took her place next to her husband on the sofa and stared adoringly at her son sitting across from her.
I took a seat in one of the worn armchairs but not before catching Tanner’s gaze and his small and insecure smile. “No problem Mr. Dixon whatever we need to do,” I responded. You deserve an Oscar for that one.
“I am so happy to hear you say that,” Mr. Dixon began, “because we do think things need a little re-working now that Tanner has come home and wants to help with the ranch.”
This was it. Tanner was going to take over the ranch and Gage and I will have to move in with my parents. My heart was stuck in my throat and I was having trouble breathing when Tanner spoke.
“Libby I did not come back here to take the ranch from you. I just need a fresh start and I have let down my parents, and you, long enough,” Tanner ended with what seemed to be a genuine sigh of exhaustion. You can say that again. Wait what did he just say? He doesn’t want the ranch?
I’m not sure how, but I felt for Tanner. In his youth, he had made a bad choice, as we all have done before. However, this particular bad choice happened to rip out my heart and leave me broken for many years. I sat quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Betsy and I are ready to retire,” Mr. Dixon began, “We have found the perfect retirement house near the beach and we already have one foot in the ocean.” Mr. Dixon hugged his wife who nodded her head in apparent agreement. “The last thing we have to do before hitting the road is set up how the ranch will be run in our absence.”
Mr. Dixon went on to explain that prior to Tanner’s homecoming I was being groomed to take over the ranch. Without knowing that Tanner still wanted to have a part in the ranch, the Dixons had whole-heartedly agreed that I was the best and only choice to run the ranch. He explained that a lot of time and energy on both parts had gone into that training. Time I spent away from my child and any energy to have a life outside of being a mother and working here.
I started to feel better about the situation until he began talking about how they had always wanted Tanner to continue the Dixon legacy. It was a family ranch so it always went without saying that Tanner was next in line. When he left, it was incredibly difficult for the Dixons as they tried to determine how a future might look for the ranch without family to inherit it. Now that Tanner was back they were struggling with how to handle the situation.
“Last night I walked out to the outdoor arena to check out the new fencing you put up Libby,” Mr. Dixon began. “Just as I was admiring your handiwork my phone beeped with an email alert from the bank about some paperwork you were overdue on,” Mr. Dixon continued.
“Shoot,” I cried, “I completely got sidetracked and forget.” Seriously could I give him better ammunition to fire me?
“No problem it was actually extremely helpful,” Mr. Dixon quickly responded. Helpful? How can forgetting bank paperwork ever be helpful?
By this time I was on the edge of my seat and wiping my damp palms on my jeans. Tanner was chewing his bottom lip and bouncing his left knee and if I could still read Tanner correctly then he was equally as nervous. He caught me peeking at him and I quickly turned towards the Dixons. Just give me the truth straight up.
It seems that this burst of wisdom had prompted a late night discussion with Mrs. Dixon. After ironing out some details, they both agreed on this new approach to the ranch.
“We would like you to share responsibilities and run the ranch together,” Mr. Dixon stated as a fact not a question.
My head flew up and I stuttered, “Together?” I had to have misheard him…right?
“Yes dear together,” Mrs. Dixon added her first words to this distressing and already lengthy meeting.
Tanner was sat up straighter biting his lower lip, showing he was anxious, although it could be a good or bad anxious. After he spoke there was no doubt it was bad anxious.
“You want us to share the ranch?” Tanner asked with doubt lacing his every word. At least I wasn’t the only one to think this was a crazy idea!
Mr. Dixon must have anticipated this react
ion from both of us because when he continued his voice was fatherly and kind. He went on to explain that I had a vast knowledge of the hands on things at the ranch. He continued to see that since I had come on board the ranch has never looked better. It felt great listening to him honestly praise my work. It reminded me of the passion I have for running this ranch and how much losing it would mean.
After squeezing my knee he turned to Tanner and explained his hope for the business and financial side of Dixon ranch. There were several additional business opportunities that had been put on the back burner with the Dixon’s retirement and the ranch running at full capacity. One of these opportunities being the new feed blend I had created. Mr. Dixon had hopes that with Tanner’s background he could not just maintain the business of the ranch, but help it to grow.
The Dixon’s new vision had me running the day-to-day operations of the ranch and Tanner running behind the scenes. Literally they were proposing that we run the ranch “together.” Is this even possible? How do they expect me to work with him when they know how much he hurt me? Neither Tanner nor I said anything and for the first time, the Dixons looked uneasy.
I loved the Dixon family and they deserved a happy and stress-free retirement. Could I share the ranch with Tanner? Working side-by-side? I honestly did not know. I felt unsure of my residual feelings for him and the anger and hurt I still carried with me was clouding my vision. I was also dealing with this magnetic pull I felt every time our eyes met and my desperate desire to make his sparkle once again. That is not your job!
I struggled through the fog and remembered the most important thing. No matter how I felt this was not about Tanner, or me this was about the Dixon Ranch and continuing its proud legacy. I was not a Dixon by blood, but in my heart and mind I was a member of this family and keeping it whole was just as important to me.
I finally raised my head to meet the Dixon’s eyes, “If this is truly what you want then I will work with Tanner.”