Chapter One
I tugged at my clothes uncomfortably chastising myself for not giving it more time between work and my flight so I could have changed. A skirt suit and heels weren’t the best things to wear on a plane. I was about to switch planes at the airport, but I had a few minutes. So, I pulled my suitcase out and began unzipping it right there in the middle of the airport. I opted for some jeans and a tee shirt, slipping it all on in the bathroom and stuffing the clothes I’d had on into my luggage. Then, I grabbed my scrunchie from my purse and pulled my long, strawberry blonde hair back into a tight ponytail to keep it out of the way.
I zipped my luggage back up and popped out the handle so I could drag it on its wheels behind me. I’d only packed one bag besides my large purse so I wouldn’t have to worry about too much of it. But it was a pretty large piece of luggage. It clunked against the tile floor as I headed for the far end of the airport, where my terminal was located. The plane was very tiny, and I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the ride.
I climbed in just in time before the seatbelt announcement came on and the pilot was ready to go. As the plane rose in the air, I gripped my seat so hard my knuckles turned white. At least the ride wasn’t going to be a very long one.
The plane shook and gyrated like I was in some kind of bottle and a giant had picked me up and shook me around. It wasn’t very often that I rode on a plane for that very reason. It made me sick to my stomach and very nervous. It didn’t help that the plane I was on was miniscule. In fact, other than the pilots, I was one of three people travelling on it. The other two were asleep, though I wasn’t sure how they could be.
I stared out the window as if that little pane of glass was going to show me something. But, it was the middle of the night, and we weren’t going to be approaching any town where the lights from buildings would become visible. Instead, the plane was taking me to Melville, Montana; my hometown. The town was so small that it wasn’t even incorporated. It was nothing but a bunch of ranches and a beautiful river. Most people thought I’d left because small town life wasn’t enough for me, but that wasn’t exactly it. I liked the quiet and being so close to nature. I just didn’t like the entire town knowing my business. Other than a couple of brief holiday visits, I had been gone for five years, and it was for good reason.
As soon as I graduated high school, I went to Colorado. I attended the University of the Rockies and never looked back. Deep down, I knew my parents had always expected me to come home after I graduated college, but I didn’t. I graduated a year early and instantly started my career in Public Relations. I lived in Denver and worked for a large firm. In fact, I had been working my way up the ladder for a while and had made it pretty far.
But now I’d had to take a leave of absence in order to go back home because my grandmothers health was failing. In fact, my family was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be around for much longer, and I needed to spend time with her. We’d always been close growing up. This had a lot to do with the fact that I was the youngest and the only girl in the family which meant that my parents were often busy reigning in all the boys. So, my grandmother would spend a lot of time with me, getting me away from all the chaos. She was the one who taught me to cook and to ride a horse. I couldn’t imagine her being so ill that she spent her life in a hospital. But that was the reality.
I looked at my watch as my nerves got the better of me. I was certain my family was still a bit disappointed in me for leaving and never coming back. Plus, they were probably going to look at me differently knowing I suddenly lived in a big city where there were tons of people, pollution and crime. Those things were a big deal to people that lived out in Montana. The idea actually scared some people.
I felt the plane dip downward and knew we must have been close to the tiny landing strip we were headed for. It was still a bit out of Melville since there was not even a small airport in Melville or anything for that matter. There wasn’t even a post office anymore it was so small.
As we approached the landing strip, I saw the lights lining the runway much like the steps in a movie theatre when the movie starts. But for the most part, that was the only thing in sight. I could just make out the large patches of trees in the distance.
The landing woke up both of the other passengers as the plane bounced onto the concrete and skidded to a stop. I looked out the window once again to see if I could make out my family or at least their car. I saw some headlights a few yards off and knew that must have been them. I wasn’t sure if they sent one of my brothers to pick me up, or if my parents came, but either way I prepared myself for the awkwardness. I’d either be teased about my city girl look or be chastised for being gone for so long. At best we’d stick mainly to discussing my grandmother’s well-being which while perhaps necessary, was also a depressing idea when you’d been away from home for five years.
As I descended the steps of the plane, I found that my legs were weak and shaky; probably from being jarred around by that plane and tensing up from the nerves. I gulped down the feeling that I might throw up and planted my feet firmly on the ground, trying to get my bearings. A hand patted my back and then tugged me forward and I was instantly encircled by my father’s arms before he decided to add in a noogie for good measure. “It’s so good to see you, Iris,” my dad said pulling back so he could take a look at me in the dim light from the plane and the runway.
“Oh, look at you!” my mother squealed, coming up to me with her arms wide open for a hug. “You look so grown up.” I was afraid for a moment that she might tear up and then make me do so as well. I didn’t really want to feel the burn of my eyeliner and mascara running down my face. In fact, I was so ready to get it off. The one bad thing about my job was that I had to put on this thick mask of goo every day and wear the most uncomfortable clothes ever to have been made for a woman. That was one reason for me to look forward to being home; jeans and tee shirts were just fine.
“You’re just so beautiful,” my mother continued, sounding like she was about to get emotional as she squeezed my back hard. When I was little she called it giving me a squnch.
“Oh, stop it, Mom. I look exactly the same. It’s just this damn make up,” I said casually, playing it off. “But you look good too.” My mother pulled away, laughing, and my father sighed really loudly and tugged up his pants so that they sat right at his belly button. It was something I’d always hated, but it was a comfort as I tried to navigate a way back to the girl who used to live there; in their house in Melville. Thankfully, they still hadn’t shown any lingering bitterness about the fact that I had been gone for so long.
“Okay you two, you have plenty of time to chit chat later. But right now we need to get you to Grandma like we promised and then get home. I have a date with the back of my eyelids,” my father said, clearing his throat and tugging at his pants again. I shook my head and patted him on the back as I opened the passenger door to their beaten up, old, black truck. I climbed in and sat on the bump in the middle so that my mother could scoot in next to me. I was sandwiched in between the two of them like I hadn’t been in years, but this time it was a much tighter fit.
“So, how is she?” I dared to ask as we drove through the night on the dark two lane roads that led to the hospital my grandmother was staying at.
“Well, Grandma is in pretty good spirits considering like I’m sure you imagine. In fact, she is always being sassy or asking the nurses to break the rules for her and let her do things.” I trained my eyes on the floorboard, feeling very sad for my grandmother. She was not the type of woman who was alright being cooped up, and now she was pretty much confined to a bed. That must have been hard on her. “She’s lost a little weight since being in there, and she needs a lot of help these days. Her condition is stable, but it’s not going to get any better. In fact, the doctors seem to think that eventually even dialysis won’t be enough for her. I don’t really understand it all, honey. But what I do now is that she’ll be so happy to see you.”
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br /> My mother patted me affectionately on the shoulder, and the guilt began to set in. I had always been a caring person, but when I decided to leave for Colorado I forgot about that and continued to forget for years. I only came home a couple of times, and when I did I didn’t take the time to see how my grandmother was or spend some quality time with her. And while I knew other young people wouldn’t beat themselves up about how they treated their family during their college years, I had always felt like I was different. But now it seemed that I wasn’t.
Regret is the worst human emotion, or at least that’s what William Shatner thought, but the rest of his quote is laughable. But really, regret is truly a place of torture that humans place themselves.
When we pulled up to the hospital, I looked up at the building and saw stains of all shapes and sizes all over the concrete building. It was an older hospital that had seen more illness than any I’d ever been to before. It also looked rather small when compared to the huge hospitals in Denver that seemed to take up more space than the White House.
I hopped out of the truck behind my mother and followed them into the building. Even as we approached the reception desk, I was hit with the mixture of bleach and old potatoes. The smell made my stomach churn. We slowly made our way up the elevator to the second floor to see my grandmother.
By that point, I was with my father. I wanted to lie down in a comfortable bed and close my eyes so that I didn’t have to see that place or imagine that people had to sleep on beds worse than cots while they were already suffering.
As we entered her hospital room, we had to move back a curtain to get to her bed. It made this shatteringly loud noise that could have woken the dead. It certainly had my grandmother sitting straight up in bed. I looked at her, in her pink hospital gown with white, thin hair and tired, wrinkling eyes and couldn’t help but let a smile spread across my face. She looked at me with such joy that it was hard to think about all the bad things that had led me back to her.
I reached down to give her a gentle squnch before sitting at the end of her bed; ignoring the feeling that my butt would be bruised by the time I left from the hardness of the mattress. “Hi Grandma,” I said simply as if I were still some little girl skipping over to my grandmother’s house.
“Well, hello to you too, Iris. It’s been far too long. How is big city life treating you?” Grandma asked with a neutral smile on her face.
“It has been far too long,” I agreed, patting her ankle. “And it’s okay. There is a lot of traffic, and there are a lot of people both good and bad. But it’s nothing like here, Grandma, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, of course it’s not. I’m not there, honey,” Grandma joked, winking at me. At least she had maintained her sense of humor. I laughed and slapped my knee.
“Nice one, Grandma. But I guess you’re right. None of you are there.” I motioned to my parents as well and saw that they were smiling too.
“Well, Ma, we know you need to get some rest, but I kept my promise to bring her by when she got here, no matter how late. We’ll bring her by again tomorrow afternoon,” my father said, standing up. We had only been in there for five minutes, and I felt jipped. What was the point in that?
Grandma must have sensed my anxiety because she reached out and placed her aging, wrinkled hand on top of mine and patted me. “I’ll still be here tomorrow, Iris, don’t you worry. Nothing’s going to keep me from spending time with my granddaughter.” Not that it was easy to believe considering the circumstances, but something in the way she said it calmed me down. I would have more time with her the next day; I could go home and rest.
“Alright, I’ll hold you to it,” I teased, pointing my finger at her as I stood up and pulled the curtain back in front of her, leaving the room.