"I say we go swimming first, then snooker," suggested Lee.
"We'll have to stay away from gambling, for now, unless we need clues to the whereabouts of the princess," Arthur spoke straightforwardly, with an air of authority.
Biggs looked at Arthur, his eyes half closed, his mouth pursed and sweating, "We should wait till dark to look around."
They all got their costumes and towels and headed off to the pool.
"Okay, it's night now," said the author.
"Oh, thanks," said a drowsy Sid.
"Are you sure, Author?" asked Alf.
"Not really," said the author, "but I'll make it dark for you if you like."
"Did you hear that, will it be completely dark?" asked With.
"For as long as you want," said the author.
"Okay," they said.
So, strangely it went dark.
"Right then, let's go," ordered Sid as he pushed the oak panel open into the darkened room beyond.
Alf peered ahead, "Can't see much, shine the lamp ahead."
The light shone and bounced off myriads of mirrors.
"A mirror room," observed With, "how are we going to find our way back out if we have to leave by this exit?"
"Mmmm," mmmd Sid, "I've got some darning wool here, we could use this."
"Okay, my sense of direction is best, because of my ears." So Alf began to listen his way through the mirrored maze, followed by Sid, then With. Fawh brought up the rear, accidentally catching the wool on his saddle and snapping it. After a few minutes and going round in circles Fawh asked, "Where's Sid?"
"With With," said Alf.
"Where's With?"
"With Sid."
"Okay, neigh more messing around, where's Sid and With?"
"Here we are," chimed Sid and With.
"We're lost, aren't we?" said Sid the dwarf as he leaned on the wall, pushing open a mirrored section that led into a trophy room. He then fell on the floor with an 'Ooof'.
There were heads of all kinds of mysterious and fantastic creatures on the walls, glass cases full of artefacts and dark, evil looking banners were interspaced with them.
"A real hunting fellow, this Dark Lord," noticed Sid.
"Oh, look, he hunts dwarves too," laughed Alf.
Sid held his throat as he looked at a stuffed dwarf's head, then choked out, "And elves."
Alf started to shake.
"You pansy elf," derided Sid, "this is the fellow who has your beloved and the one we are quested to kill."
"This is my Uncle Sid, the elf," said Alf.
"I don't believe it, this was my Uncle Alf the dwarf," motioned Sid, "They must have been in the Goblin Wars together." They both started to well up and hugged each other until Sid felt embarrassed and said quietly, "That's enough, pansy."
"By my electric sword, I shall take the ears of the Dark Lord for the head of my uncle," said Alf.
"Tell you what, I'll give you two gold pieces and a stuffed goldfish for the head of your uncle," interjected Sid.
"Don't be silly Sid, this is an impassioned matter," With pleaded with Sid.
Sid looked at the armoury, "Shall we equip ourselves with these ornate weapons?"
"That's stealing," said With.
"Oh, okay then. I was only thinking we could borrow them."
"We don't need them," blustered Alf, "you told me that you just have to compliment the author!"
"Can't we find the door?" asked Fawh, "I need to relieve myself."
"Quick, let's find the door," said Alf.
They found the door behind a curtain, Alf peeped out on to a dim passageway.
A goblin guard slept near some double doors.
Alf turned round and placed his index finger to his lips.
He crept up to the goblin and bashed him over the head, the guard slipped to the floor. Sid booted one of the doors open and they discovered the castle's toilets.
"Guarding a toilet?" quizzed Alf.
"Uh-oh, I think he was waiting for his mate, look under there," said Sid.
They saw a large pair of feet under the door of a cubicle.
"Whoops," whoopsed Sid, "a big hobgoblin about seven foot tall."
They looked at each other and all but Fawh scrambled into a cubicle. Fawh reversed into another but couldn't close the door, he then relieved himself.
They heard a toilet flush and listened together in the cramped cubicle. A door opened. Big footsteps on the tiles, the washing of hands and a spit in the sink, then more footsteps and a kick of a door.
"Oi, you lazy slob, wake up!"
A bit of slapping, then, "Idunno, come on."
"I'm sure someone 'it me on the 'ed," said Idunno as he rubbed his bump.
"It must 'ave been that 'oss in the cubicle. Come on, let's go to the pool."
The four compatriots stopped fretting.
"Wee," sploosh went Arthur into the pool, "I haven't had this much fun since they dropped me in the drink on the way to Avalon."
"So you didn't drown then?" asked Biggs.
"Shut up, you, you brainwashed pedagogue," insulted Arthur.
"Pedagogue, I've heard of the word but I don't know what one is?" said Lee.
"He doesn't either," explained Biggs, "but it's a good insult."
"I think we ought to be getting off now anyway, there are not many people here," said Arthur.
Lee swam over to a goblin in green swimming trunks, "Friend, I hear that there's some beautiful women staying here."
"Go away, Chink," growled the goblin.
"That's uncivil of you, old chap," rebutted Lee.
"Well, I'm supposed to be, I'm a goblin." He then relented, "Yeah, there are some beauties, but none as petulant as those two on the top floor," he winked and nudged Lee.
"So the top floor's best, is it?" asked Lee.
"Ooh, you can't get up there, there's too many guards," the goblin wiggled his fingers and shook his head.
Lee swam to the other two and waved to the goblin, "She's on the top floor," he whispered, "with another one as well."
"Good," said Arthur, "now we know, we can make plans, get lost on purpose, etc."
"That goblin was quite nice actually," said Lee.
"So's the devil, he's a charming fellow as well," reasoned Biggs.
"Come on then," said Arthur, "Let's get changed and find this princess." He swam to the end of the pool and got out.
At the end of the passage, Alf held Sid back, "Stop, there's someone coming, quick, look like tourists."
Alf, Sid and With got some newspapers out, sat down and began to read. A troop of goblins, dressed in shell suits, jogged by.
"This must be the hotel to come to if you're a goblin," said Sid.
"I smell dwarf," said one of the goblins.
"It's the horse," said Alf.
"Thanks," said Fawh.
A few goblins looked at each other, but carried on.
"Whew, that was close. Can't you shave your beard off, Sid? You'll look like a midget then," suggested Alf.
"Don't be so silly, it's taken me fifty years to get this growth right," admonished Sid.
"Well, you've got to do something about the smell. I don't mind, I've lived around dwarves before, but these goblins can smell you a mile off," Alf held his nose.
"Let's find this pool, there must be some place to bathe here," said With.
"Oh, alright," grumped Sid.
"I've got this false chin in my rucksack," offered Alf, "you can hide your beard with that."
"Thanks," thanked Sid.
They looked for signs for the way to the pool.
Arthur, Biggs and Lee had all got changed and were just leaving when they bumped into Sid, Alf, With and Fawh at the entrance to the pool.
"You made it," exclaimed an excited Biggs.
"Aye, we did that, an' we picked u
p a pansy elf as well," said Sid the dwarf. Then, "This is Arthur of the Britons, Biggs (second in command) and Uncle Lee - children's entertainer." Then he introduced Alf, "And this is Alf, the pansy elf. We've just found out that our uncles were in the Goblin Wars together."
"What, the first Goblin War or the second?" asked Biggs.
"The third," said Alf wryly, then, "anyway, we have to wash Sid, the goblins can smell him a mile off and he needs some good deodorant as well."
"I'll help him get washed," said Biggs, "while you lot go back to the room."
So Sid and Biggs went to the showers while the others went to their room.
CHAPTER SIX
They were all resting. Sid who was lying on the bed with his hands clasped behind his head, "I think we ought to split into two groups, so if one doesn't get through, then the other does."
"Good idea Sid, but I think three groups would be good, then all we need are three good ideas," suggested Arthur. "Biggs and Lee can go together dressed as goblins, have you got the masks Biggs?"
"Yeah, but I don't like playing a goblin, they're so coarse."
"Well then, who wants to be the second goblin?" asked Arthur.
"I will," said a humble With, "I've seen how goblins act, living in the monastery."
"Okay then, that's plan one, you two can change guard with any goblins guarding the princesses. Any suggestions for plan two?" Arthur looked around hoping for other ideas.
"I could pretend to be another prisoner, dressed as a princess," suggested Alf.
"You big pansy," growled Sid.
"I'll have you know, my family is renowned for its acting skills. My father is the great Llendro Felende Galladrene, the working king of the stage," Alf looked down his nose and held onto an imaginary looking jacket collar.
"That's what I want to know, why do all you elves have big complicated names?" asked Sid, "And why haven't you?"
"My name is Alfonso Felendre Galladrene, Prince of the Northern great wood elves, grandson of Peterni Bingalonga Galladrene the great elf, guardian of the shells of peace, defender of the faith, hope of the underdog, master of the lieu rolls and heir to the throne of the great Northern Alliance. But you can call me Alf for short."
"That sounds like a good idea Alf," Said Arthur, "and I can go as a goblin guarding you. Now Sid, what can you and Biggs go as?"
"I can sit on Biggs's head with a goblin mask and we can pretend to be a hobgoblin, they are usually commanders around here because they're big and they're bullies."
"I've go some goblin spray here, 'The Smell of Goblin', who wants some?" asked Arthur.
Lee and With stuck their arms in the air and Arthur sprayed his and their armpits. "Right, mask up," he ordered, "Let's go."
"What about me?" asked Fawh.
"Oh, yes, erm. I know you can be a diversion. Run around downstairs or something," suggested Arthur.
They ascended the second flight of stairs and went unchallenged until they saw the guards on the top floor guarding the door to a hallway.
"You ready?" Arthur asked, prodding Lee and With, "Go and change the guard."
So Lee and With marched up to the goblin guards. "Change of guards," grunted Lee.
"That's a bit early, isn't it?" asked one.
"Never mind," said the other, "we can get our grog earlier at the staff canteen."
As they were leaving the first goblin said, "That's nice body spray mate, is it 'Smell of Goblin?"
"Yes it is," answered With, "nice isn't it."
The other two goblins laughed as they went downstairs, "Nice!" they said.
"Good work lads," said Arthur, "you can be the lookout."
Lee opened the door into the hallway and the others walked in. There were many doors and at the bottom was a desk surrounded by guards.
Arthur looked at Sid and Biggs, "Okay 'hobgoblin', you try to order those other goblins away."
The 'hobgoblin' loped towards the table. "I'm glad you washed and changed," said Biggs, "I've never had a dwarf on my shoulders before."
They got to the table, "Right you loy."
"What's a loy?" said a goblin.
"Sorry, spelling mistake, right you lot follow me, there's a fracas down stairs with a horse. They need more men." Sid ordered and bullied.
"Well we need at least two guards here at all times, standing orders," said the goblin with a saucepan on his head.
"No need for standing, just follow me," about five goblins went with Sid and Biggs but Pan Head and another goblin would not budge.
Arthur walked ahead of the 'elven' princess marched up to the desk, "Got a spare room for this elven beauty?"
"Another pretty one eh?" said Pan Head, "How are you my preciousssss?"
"Alright Pan Head, knock it off, no need to go over the top, they're not tourists you know," rebuked the other goblin.
"These two are full," Pan Head pointed behind and in front of him, "but you can use this one." He walked over to one of the other adjacent doors and unlocked it.
"Just fit for a princesssss, ha ha ha," Pan Head hissed and ha ha'd.
"I'll just go in to see if the accommodation is fine," said Arthur.
"Don't be too long, you know we're supposed to treat princesses with respect," Pan Head grinned.
Arthur closed the door behind them. "Look, there's an adjoining door to the other suite." He skipped over to it, got a set of locksmith's picks out and began to pick the lock.
"I thought it was illegal to go prepared with picks unless you were a locksmith?" judged Alf.
"I am the king and what I say goes," said Arthur as they heard a click. He peeped through into the other room.
Clannnggg!
A bedpan hit him over the head and sent Arthur sprawling.
"I've told you ugly little goblins before, to stop peeping through into my room."
Alf pushed the door wider, "What have you done?"
"And who are you?" asked the human princess stepping into view armed with her bedpan.
"I am Alf the elf, come to rescue you and my own sweet love from the Dark Lord."
"Walking around with goblins, how can I believe you, you might be a spy. GUARDS!"
"No, please, quiet," urged Alf, but too late.
The two guards who were at the table unlocked the princesses door and entered.
"Trouble, Princess?" asked Pan Head.
"Yes, this goblin and this elf were spying on me, remove them."
They dragged Arthur out and then took Alf to another room and locked him in.
Two guards came up the stairs. One nodded to Lee and With, then they stood there, "Well, aren't you going for your break?"
"Er, yes. Come on Bog," Lee said to With, then they both started to walk downstairs.
With whispered to Lee, "We can't leave the others. What do we do?"
"We'll pretend we've left something behind, but what?"
"Um, a prisoner, a weapon, a Moore's Almanac or a Star Trek video (Next Generation), you know, that Kate Janeaway's voice really gets on my nerves. Or we could say that we have to give a note to the other guards."
"Well I think that they're all pretty rubbish ideas apart from the Star Trek video, let's go with that."
They both walked up to the guards, "I've left a Star Trek video down the passage that I need to take back to the video shop, can I collect it?" asked Lee.
"Go on then," said one of the guards.
So Lee opened the door and they both walked to the desk.
"You never guess what we just found, a fellow in a mask and an elven princess trying to rescue Princess Arianne," said Pan Head.
With and Lee looked at each other hoping the guards couldn't tell they had masks on.
The goblin continued, "I've locked the princess in this room and the human next to her."
"We're just looking for our Star Trek video, the Next Generation wit
h Kate Janeaway," said Lee.
"Star Trek you say?" asked the other goblin. "Haven't seen one round here, but we'll have a look."
The two goblin guards started to look around, one looked under the table, "Hang on a minute Janeaway's in Voyager," said the other goblin, and just as he did Lee hit him on the head with a jug. This didn't knock the guard out but did make him angry. Pan Head grabbed Lee.
"Run With," urged Lee, "find the others."
So Lee ran to the other end of the passage and down three flights of stairs that led to the servant's quarters. At the bottom he bumped into a female goblin maid carrying a pot of tea for the princesses.
"I'm sorry," he profused as he tried to wipe her down.
"I haven't seen you before," said the maid, "you must come and see me sometime."
"Ah, sometime, yes, of course Goblin Tea Maid, bye." He turned and ran into a room filled with beds. Looking quickly around he dived under a lower bunk.
Pan Head ran down and past the maid, "Have you seen a goblin in a habit?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied, "he went into the dorm."
Pan Head ran through the dorm and out the door at the other end. With struggled out from under the bunk and dusted himself off, then he walked back out the door he came in. A quick look around and he decided to go through the door on the left which led down a passageway. He walked into the Great Hall where the Dark Lord was having his meal.
"Where are these entertainers? My son said that he enjoyed them earlier," boomed the Dark Lord.
"Sorry my Lord, but they seem to have vanished," answered Ugbash.
"So they're magicians as well are they?" He laughed.
With sneaked round the edge of the hall and followed a hobgoblin into another passage to some more rooms. The hobgoblin turned to see With, "What are you doing down here?"
"Iiiiiii heard that there was a fracas with a horse and I wondered where it was being kept."
"Don't you know, you're a guard aren't you, you should know where they're being kept?"
"I've only been here a short time."
"Well, you look like a short order monk in that habit. You'll get to know me if you're here for any length of time, Major Bash." He stepped to see the other end of the passageway clearly. "Go back down this passage, through the Great Hall and out through the opening on the left. You follow the passage to the end and then turn right, there's a door to your right and this leads to the courtyard at the end are the old stables. Say hello to Squidge Face for me that should scare him. Are you clear about the instructions?"