*****
CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP-THE PLAY
CAST:
2 males, 2 females.
- TERENCE, wearing old style underpants and a singlet under an old dressing gown, untied and open. Age, late 60’s
- MARY dressed in white bowls outfit. Age, late 60’s
- FEMALE, proselyte of religion, semi-formal dress, any adult age.
- MALE, walk on, dark jacket/tie, stooped and hooked nose. Any age.
TIME OF DAY: just after 9:00 AM.
SCENERY: Lounge/dining area with front door at stage right to the outside.
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TERENCE (enters the lounge; arches his back, pushes his elbows high, and stretches to the sound of a loud yawn. He scratches his belly for a few seconds.)
MARY, (seated, with a cup of tea in her hands, puts it down and looks up at Terence.)
MARY. That belly’s got quite a bit bigger since your retirement, Darling. And it’s a lot bigger than when we married 40 years ago. You need to do some exercise. At least I get some with my lawn bowling. You really should come. They’re nice people at the club.
TERENCE. Nah. I like my sleep in. You’re up early. Bowls again eh.
MARY. Yes. A big day today. The last round of the inter-club competition. If we win, we’re the regional champions for the women’s senior class.
TERENCE. Good for you. (stretches and yawns again.)
MARY. You slept in. It’s after 9:00 AM and Mabel could arrive anytime. She’s taking me, so, hurry up and get dressed. She’s always early, and you know how much she likes to talk about people. I don’t want her to see you standing around like that. Why you can’t wear nice pyjamas like other men, I’ll never know.
TERENCE. Forty years ago you never liked me wearing anything in bed. You liked to snuggle up to my hairy nude body. Anyway, how do you know what other men wear in bed?
MARY. You used to have more hair on your head then. Not like now; growing in big clumps out your ears and nose. I wish you’d trim them, it’s off-putting. As for the second question; none of your damn business. But please hurry up and dress. She’s not due for half-an-hour, but you never know.
TERENCE. Go on. Let me have some fun. Just a quick flash for old Mabel, it might make her day. The poor thing’s put two husbands in their graves. She’ll never get a third.
MARY. One look at you and she’ll never want one. Get moving. At worst you’ll give her a heart attack; at best you’ll put her off her bowls.
TERENCE. Yes, yes, Darling.
MARY. While you get dressed, I’ll pick a few lemons and other fruit off the trees for her. Her home-made marmalades and jams are special. She appreciates fresh fruit. Keep an ear on the door.
TERENCE. I’ll take a shower first. What happens if she comes while I’m in the shower?
MARY. Ask her in to scrub your back. Don’t worry; she’ll know to come around to the backyard if there’s no reply. She knows I’m often in the garden.
TERENCE. Yeah, yeah. If I’m not dressed and she catches me in my dressing gown, the gossiping old bag will tell everyone I indecently exposed myself.
MARY. You’ve got nothing decent to expose.
MARY (exits off back of stage.)
TERENCE (picks up the teapot, swirls it around to check if there is enough for a cup of tea, and finds it empty.)
TERENCE. Bugger. There goes the cuppa. Shower! Here I come.
TERENCE (moves stage left toward the bathroom, but after two steps there is a loud knock on the front door.)
TERENCE. Double bugger. Bloody Mabel.
(he turns and walks toward the door, closing and tying up his dressing gown, checking his slippers are on the proper feet, and runs his fingers through his hair. He calls out loudly.)
TERENCE. Hello, you’re looking gorgeous today you sexy beast.
TERENCE (swings open the door quickly.)
(Two people, semi-formally, but soberly dressed, are standing on the other side of the fly-screen/security door.)
TERENCE. (startled, takes a couple of steps back, and stumbles out an attempt to cover his faux pas.)
TERENCE. Hello, yes it looks so gorgeous today it should pass the weekly test.
(The woman is the closer of the two.)
FEMALE. Yes, we are so lucky to be blessed by the Lord for this day, especially with all the troubles we are having in the world today. All the earthquakes, terrible wars, tsunamis and millions dying of hunger.
TERENCE. What can I do for you?
FEMALE. We, through our book, and the guidance of our Lord, are trying to show people the right path before the end of the world, and save as many souls as we can. We are trying to right the wrongs and put things back in balance before Judgement Day arrives. But is seems we are already too late for most people. Have you seen our book? (holds up a book.)
TERENCE. That’s the one. I’ve seen it before, and told about it so many times that I feel I’ve read it several times.
FEMALE. That’s good then, you might already be one of us that might be saved. We are willing to leave the newest edition for you to read, and only ask for a small donation to defray the expenses.
TERENCE. But I already know the book.
FEMALE. Do you really? I don’t think any of us do. This book will answer many of the questions you might have.
TERENCE. I mean, I know the ending in the book. The end of the world. Famine, floods, wars, disease, blocked toilets, cold showers, no T.V., no sport channels. We know it’s just a question of when, isn’t it?
FEMALE. It could be anytime soon.
TERENCE. We’ve got our emergency kit ready, torches, spare batteries, candles, water, whisky, gin and tonic for the wife, toilet paper, canned food, jelly beans, and all that stuff.
FEMALE. There will be no protection or escape for non-believers. What about your soul and the exercising of your brain to encompass a wider plain of knowledge?
TERENCE. Gee that reminds me, I’d better pack a pen and a book of crosswords. Maybe even a dictionary and thesaurus.
FEMALE. It could happen today you know.
TERENCE. Oh Hell, I hope not. Mary would be so upset. You see it’s her bowls club championship today. She’d really be miffed if she missed that. And what should I tell her friend, Mabel? I suppose if it happens in the next few minutes, or after Mabel arrives, we’d have to take her with us wouldn’t we? I’ll need to get extra supplies for Mabel. Heaven forbid. What do I do about the sleeping arrangements with Mabel. And, I haven’t even had my shower yet.
FEMALE. What about the book?
TERENCE. Obviously I won’t have time to read it with the world ending so soon. So please excuse me, I’ve got to warn my wife. She’s going to be so upset. It’ll really ruin her day. She could’ve been club champion. Then I must have a shower. Then I’ll phone the children. Maybe I should phone them before I shower. It might give them more time to prepare. They’ve all got small children too. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to my grandchildren.
FEMALE. But, sir?
TERENCE. Please excuse me, I really have to go and get ready for the holocaust; there’s just no time to waste.”
TERENCE (closes the door and walks toward the shower.)
MARY (enters through the back door.) I heard you talking to someone. Was that Mabel? And you, still in your night stuff.
(She nods her head in disgust and mutters)
Tut, tut.
TERENCE. No, not Mabel.
MARY. Who was it?
TERENCE. Just some very nice people looking for the right directions; and trying to help me find myself. The woman was attractive, but the man looked like a vulture standing around waiting for the last gasps of life from a dying animal. I’m so sorry, Darling; they thought the bowls might have to be cancelled though.
MARY (screws up her nose, giving an expression of curiosity as she looks at Terence.)
TERENCE. No time to waste and Mabel’s not here yet. So, you’ll have to scrub my back if you want to be saved. Then,
make another potta tea please. Quick, the world might end today. Shower, here I come.
TERENCE. (turns and marches toward the bathroom and off-stage singing,)
Glory, glory, Alleluia.
MARY. (turns toward the audience nodding negatively.)
I’ve gotta get him to a doctor for a mental check.
END