CHAPTER III
THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR
Please do not pester me with unwelcome attentions, Since to respond I have no intentions! Your Charms are deserving of honourable mentions-- But previous attachment compels these abstentions!
"AN UNWILLING WOOED TO HIS WOOER."
_Original unpublished Poem by H. B. J._
Mr Bhosh was very soon enabled to make his _debut_ as a pleader, for the_Mooktears_ sent him briefs as thick as an Autumn leaf in Vallambrosa,and, having on one occasion to prosecute a youth who had embezzled anelderly matron, Mr Bhosh's eloquence and pathos melted the jury into aflood of tears which procured the triumphant acquittal of the prisoner.
But the bow of Achilles (which, as Poet Homer informs us, was his onlyvulnerable point) must be untied occasionally, and accordingly Mr Bhoshoccasionally figured as the gay dog in upper-class societies, and wasnot long in winning a reputation in smart circles as a champion bounder.
For he did greet those he met with a pleasant, obsequious affability andfamiliarity, which easily endeared him to all hearts. In his appearancehe would--but for a somewhat mediocre stature and tendency to aprecocious obesity--have strikingly resembled the well-known statuary ofthe Apollo Bellevue, and he was in consequence inordinately admired byaristocratic feminines, who were enthralled by the fluency of his smalltalk, and competed desperately for the honour of his company at their"Afternoon-At-Home-Teas."
It was at one of these exclusive festivities that he first met theDuchess Dickinson, and (as we shall see hereafter) that meeting tookplace in an evil-ominous hour for our hero. As it happened, thehonourable highborn hostess proposed a certain cardgame known as "PennyNapkin," and fate decreed that Mr Bhosh should sit contiguous to theDuchess's Grace, who by lucky speculations was the winner ofincalculable riches.
But, hoity toity! what were his dismay and horror, when he detected thatby her legerdemain in double-dealing she habitually contrived to assignherself five pictured cards of leading importance!
How to act in such an unprecedented dilemma? As a chivalrous, it wasrepugnant to him to accuse a Duchess of sharping at cards, and yet atthe same time he could not stake his fortune against such a foregoneconclusion!
So he very tactfully contrived by engaging the Duchess's attention tosubstitute his card-hand for hers, and thus effect the exchange which isno robbery, and she, finally observing his _finesse_, and struck by thedelicacy with which he had so unostentatiously rebuked her duplicity,earnestly desired his further acquaintance.
For a time Mr Bhosh, doubtless obeying one of those supernatural andpresentimental monitions which were undreamt of in the Horatianphilosophy, resisted all her advances--but alas! the hour arrived inwhich he became as Simpson with Delilah.
It was at the very summit of the Season, during a brilliantlyfashionable ball at the Ladbroke Hall, Archer Street, Bayswater, whitherall the _elites_ of tip-top London Society had congregated.
Mr Bhosh was present, but standing apart, overcome with bashfulness atthe paucity of upper feminine apparel and designing to take hispremature hook, when the beauteous Duchess in passing surreptitiouslyflung over him a dainty nose-handkerchief deliciously perfumed withextract of cherry blossoms.
With native penetration into feminine coquetries he interpreted this asan intimation that she desired to dance with him, and, though notproficient in such exercises, he made one or two revolutions round theroom with her co-operation, after which they retired to an alcove andate raspberry ices and drank lemonade. Mr Bhosh's sparklingtittle-tattle completely achieved the Duchess's conquest, for hepossessed that magical gift of the gab which inspired the tender passionwithout any connivance on his own part.
And, although the Duchess was no longer the chicken, having attained herthirtieth lustre, she was splendidly well preserved; with huge flashingeyes like searchlights in a face resembling the full moon; of tallstature and proportionate plumpness; most young men would have beenpuffed out by pride at obtaining such a tip-top admirer.
Not so our hero, whose manly heart was totally monopolised by the imageof the fair unknown whom he had rescued at Cambridge from the savageclutches of a horned cow, and although, after receiving from the Duchessa musk-scented postal card, requesting his company on a certain evening,he decided to keep the appointed tryst, it was only against his will andafter heaving many sighs.
On reaching the Duchess's palace, which was situated in PembridgeSquare, Bayswater, he had the mortification to perceive that he was byno means the only guest, since the reception halls were thicklypopulated by gilded worldlings. But the Duchess advanced to greet him ina very kind, effusive manner, and, intimating that it was impossible toconverse with comfort in such a crowd, she led him to a small side-room,where she seated him on a couch by her side and invited him todiscourse.
Mr Bhosh discoursed accordingly, paying her several high-flowncompliments by which she appeared immoderately pleased, and discoursedin her turn of instinctive sympathies, until our hero was wriggling likean eel with embarrassment at what she was to say next, and at this pointDuke Dickinson suddenly entered and reminded his spouse in rather abruptfashion that she was neglecting her remaining guests.
After the Duchess's departure, Mr Bhosh, with the feelings of an innategentleman, felt constrained to make his sincere apologies to his ducalentertainer for having so engrossed his better half, frankly explainingthat she had exhibited such a marked preference for his society that hehad been deprived of all option in the matter, further assuring hisdukeship that he by no means reciprocated the lady's sentiments, anddelicately recommending that he was to keep a rather more lynxlike eyein future upon her proceedings.
To which the Duke, greatly agitated, replied that he was unspeakablyobliged for the caution, and requested Mr Bhosh to depart at once andremain an absentee for the future. Which our friend cheerfully undertookto perform, and, in taking leave of the Duchess, exhorted her, with aneloquence that moved all present, to abandon her frivolities andlevities and adopt a deportment more becoming to her matronly exterior.
The reader would naturally imagine that she would have been grateful forso friendly and well-meant a hint--but oh, dear! it was quite thereverse, for from a loving friend she was transformed into a bitter andmost unscrupulous enemy, as we shall find in forthcoming chapters.
Truly it is not possible to fathom the perversities of the femininedisposition!