CHAPTER V
THE DUEL TO THE DEATH
The ordinary valour only works At those rare intervals when peril lurks; There is a courage, scarcer far, and stranger, Which nothing can intimidate but danger.
_Original Stanza by H. B. J._
No sooner had Mr Bhosh obeyed the summons of Lord Jack, than the latternot only violently reproached him for having embezzled the heart of hischosen bride, but inflicted upon him sundry severe kicks from behind,barbarously threatening to encore the proceeding unless Chunderinstantaneously agreed to meet him in a mortal combat.
Our hero, though grievously hurt, did not abandon his presence of mindin his tight fix. Seating himself upon a divan, so as to obviate anyrepetition of such treatment, he thus addressed his former friend: "Mydear Jack, Plato observes that anger is an abbreviated form of insanity.Do not let us fall out about so mere a trifle, since one friend is theequivalent of many females. Is it my fault that feminines overwhelm mewith unsought affections? Let us both remember that we are men of theworld, and if you on your side will overlook the fact that I haveunwittingly fascinated your _fiancee_, I, on mine, am ready to forget myunmerciful kickings."
But Lord Jolly violently rejected such a give-and-take compromise, andagain declared that if Mr Bhosh declined to fight he was to receivefurther kicks. Upon this Chunder demanded time for reflection; he was nobellicose, but he reasoned thus with his soul: "It is not certain that abullet will hit--whereas, it is impossible for a kick to miss its mark."
So, weeping to find himself between a deep sea and the devil of akicking, he accepted the challenge, feeling like Imperial Caesar, whenhe found himself compelled to climb up a rubicon after having burnt hisboots!
Being naturally reluctant to kick his brimming bucket of life whilestill a lusty juvenile, Mr Bhosh was occupied in lamenting theinjudiciousness of Providence when he was most unexpectedly relieved bythe entrance of his lady-love, the Princess Jones, who, having heardthat her letter had fallen into Lord Jack's hands, and that a sanguinaryencounter would shortly transpire, had cast off every rag of maidenlypropriety, and sought a clandestine interview.
She brought Bindabun the gratifying intelligence that she was a _personagrata_ with his lordship's seconder, Mr Bodgers, who was to load thedeadly weapons, and who, at her request, had promised to do so withcartridges from which the bullets had previously been bereft.
Such a piece of good news so enlivened Mr Bhosh, that he immediatelyrecovered his usual serenity, and astounded all by his perfectnonchalance. It was arranged that the tragical affair should come off inthe back garden of Baronet Jolly's castle, immediately after breakfast,in the presence of a few select friends and neighbours, amongwhom--needless to say--was Princess Petunia, whose lamp-like opticsbeamed encouragement to her Indian champion, and the Duchess ofDickinson, who was now the freehold tenement of those fiendish Siamesetwins--Malice and Jealousy. At breakfast, Mr Bhosh partook freely of allthe dishes, and rallied his antagonist for declining another fowl-egg,rather wittily suggesting that he was becoming a chicken-hearted. Thecompany then adjourned to the garden, and all who were non-combatantstook up positions as far outside the zone of fire as possible.
Mr Bhosh was rejoiced to receive from the above-mentioned Mr Bodgers asecret intimation that it was the put-up job, and little piece ofallright, which emboldened him to make the rather spirited proposal tohis lordship, that they were to fire--not at the distance of one hundredpaces, as originally suggested--but across the more restricted space ofa nosekerchief. This dare-devilish proposal occasioned a universaloutcry of horror and admiration; Mr Bhosh's seconder, a youngpoor-hearted chap, entreated him to renounce his plan of campaign, whileLord Jack and Mr Bodgers protested that it was downright tomfolly.
Chunder, however, remained game to his backbone. "If," he ironicallysaid, "my honble friend prefers to admit that he is inferior in physicalcourage to a native Indian who is commonly accredited with a funkyheart, let him apologise. Otherwise, as a challenged, I am the Master ofthe Ceremonies. I do not insist upon the exchange of more than oneshoot--but it is the _sine qua non_ that such shoot is to take placeacross a nosewipe."
Upon which his lordship became green as grass with apprehensiveness,being unaware that the cartridges had been carefully sterilised, butglueing his courage to the sticky point, he said, "Be it so, youblood-thirsty little beggar--and may your gore be on your own knob!"
"It is always barely possible," retorted Mr Bhosh, "that we may _both_miss the target!" And he made a secret motion to Mr Bodgers with hissuperior eyeshutter, intimating that he was to remember to omit thebullets.
But lackadaisy! as Poet Burns sings, the best-laid schemes both of menand in the mouse department are liable to gang aft--and so it was in thepresent instance, for Duchess Dickinson intercepted Chunder Bindabun'swink and, with the diabolical intuition of a feminine, divined thepresence of a rather suspicious rat. Accordingly, on the diaphanouspretext that Mr Bodgers was looking faintish and callow, she insisted onapplying a very large smelling-jar to his nasal organ.
Whether the vessel was charged with salts of superhuman potency, or somenarcotic drug, I am not to inquire--but the result was that, after aperiod of prolonged sternutation, Mr Bodgers became impercipient on abed of geraniums.
Thereupon Chunder, perceiving that he had lost his friend in court,magnanimously said: "I cannot fight an antagonist who is unprovided witha seconder, and will wait until Mr Bodgers is recuperated." But thehonourable and diabolical duchess nipped this arrangement in the bud."It would be a pity," said she, "that Mr Bhosh's fiery ardour should becooled by delay. _I_ am capable to load a firearm, and will act as LordJolly's seconder."
Our hero took the objection that, as a feminine was not legallyqualified to act as seconder in mortal combats, the duel would berendered null and void, and appealed to his own seconder to confirm this_obiter dictum_.
Unluckily the latter was a poor beetlehead who was in excessive fear ofoffending the Duchess, and gave it as his opinion that sex was nodisqualification, and that the Duchess of Dickinson was fully competentto load the lethal weapons, provided that she knew how.
Whereupon she, regarding Mr Bhosh with the malignant simper of a fiend,did not only deliberately fill each pistol-barrel with a bullet from herown reticule bag, but also had the additional _diablerie_ to extract aminiature laced _mouchoir_ exquisitely perfumed with cherry-blossoms,and to say, "Please fire across this. I am confident that it will bringyou good luck."
And Mr Bhosh recognised with emotions that baffle description the verycounterpart of the nose-handkerchief which she had flung at him monthspreviously at the aforesaid fashionable Bayswater Ball! Now was our poormiserable hero indeed up the tree of embarrassment--and there I mustleave him till the next chapter.