Chapter 22
Amazing, Breathtaking, Awe inspiring
The rest of the week was nice and peaceful; I kept the Cubs series off and spent a lot more time by the pool, soaking up the sun. I also spent a lot more time snuggled up with Ari in his marvelous, too-big and oh-so-fluffy bed. My birthday was on Saturday, the day before we were flying out to Quebec. I told Ari over and over again not to do anything for it. I hate attention – it makes me feel so uncomfortable – but he said he couldn’t make any promises.
When I woke up Saturday morning, I was cradled in Ari’s arms in a knotted mess of blankets, pillows, and skin. He was still asleep, so I nuzzled in deeper, breathing in his alluring scent. If staying there with him were all I did for the day, my birthday would be perfect.
“Morning, Ava Baby,” Ari said in a sleepy voice, “and happy birthday.”
“Mmm.”
“What do you want to do today?”
“This.”
He somehow pulled me even closer to him and I felt my nerves go on edge with anticipation and my stomach did a little flip.
“That might be a little dangerous,” he answered, “but I am more than willing to give it a try.” Then he hopped out of bed and walked across his room.
“Where are you going?” I asked with a pout, upset that he had left my side. He smiled at me and locked his bedroom door then jumped back in bed. He softly ran his fingers up the inside of my arm then traced lightly on my face.
“I love you, Ava.”
“I love you.”
“Promise me you won’t ever leave me again.”
“I promise. Never again.”
“I never want to feel the way I felt when you left me.”
I pulled my hand up to his face and touched the stubble on his cheeks then brushed my fingers across his soft pink lips.
“Ari, I am sorry I hurt you, but I felt I had to do it. I can’t help who I am. I have been left with a burden and it is mine to bare, not yours. I felt you would have a much happier life without me, and if I were a stronger person, I would leave for good and you would never see me again. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did. The pain I felt was beyond anything I have ever experienced. But I am human and therefore selfish, so I will stay by your side until you see me for what I am and finally push me away.”
He answered, “Not gonna happen, Ava; I want you forever.” Then he pulled me on top of him and kissed me while his hands slowly ran up my legs. He sat up and wrapped my legs around him moving his hands up my back, under my tank top. I kissed him more deeply and my fingernails dug into his bare back. Our breathing turned heavy.
“Oh, Ava, the things you do to me,” Ari moaned in my ear.
Oh, my God I want this.
My mind began to become seriously clouded but I didn’t stop, I only kissed him with more desire as the need overcame me. He pushed me back with gentle force and my head landed ever so lightly on his pillow. He climbed on top of me, his hands now on my thighs, his fingers nearing the lace on my underwear. My body quivered. I wanted him so badly I did not think I could stop. My breathing turned ragged and my pulse quickened. Ari ran his fingers higher up my legs in a slow tortuous way. He kissed every inch of my body and each touch brought on a new sensation. My skin tingled with pleasure.
Ari stopped and looked up at me. “Ava, have you thought any more about what I said the other night about you and me and this?”
I shook my head no and sighed. Ari quickly took his hands off my thigh and moved to neutral territory.
“Ari,” I said, shifting to face him, “I want to, I really want to, it’s just… I don’t want my first time to be anticlimactic.”
A smile spread across his face. “Believe me Ava, it won’t be.”
I threw a pillow at him and batted my lashes.
“I didn’t mean like that. I meant once the moment is over, I don’t want to walk out in the hall and see your mom at the kitchen table. I want it to be something that when the moment’s done, I don’t have to come back down to reality for a while… or ever.”
“That’s a good start. Think about what you want, Ava, think about where and when, too – here, Canada, Mexico, eighteen, twenty, twenty-five. Let me know and I will make it happen.”
“So you want me to say… August fourth at ten o’clock?” I laughed pulling a random date out of my head.
“Yes, if that’s what you want. Ava, I love you. I would do anything for you.”
My cheeks turned red hot and I’m sure bright red with embarrassment. I was not used to being so candid about sex. I had never spoken about it to anyone besides my mom. I even faked being sick in the sixth grade so I wouldn’t have to attend that embarrassing sex talk in school – the one where they pass out deodorant and maxi pads. Or so I was told by my friends who actually showed up to find out. Just the thought of that talk made me want to run for the hills.
I was lucky to have had a mom who saw me through some of life’s issues. She approached everything from a physician’s perspective and had excellent bedside manner. When I was younger and my anxiety really started kicking in, my period became irregular. Mom took me to a doctor, who put me on the pill straight away, to help my cycle. I was mortified by the entire experience. I wanted to bury myself in a hole. My mom pulled me out of my room with a giggle and said, “C’est la vie, Ava.” “That’s life” – her motto for everything. She gave me “the talk,” and I remember feeling so embarrassed.
“Ava, that’s life. There is nothing in which to be embarrassed. One day you’ll have a conversation kind of like this one with a boy, you know.” She even winked at me.
I rolled my eyes at her and said, “So gross, Mom, no I won’t.” She laughed at me and brought me a cup of hot tea. She had such an uncanny ability to be right about everything.
“What’s the matter?” Ari was looking at me with a puzzled expression while tracing his fingertips over the tops of my cheeks.
I looked up at him from under my lashes. “This. This whole conversation is hard for me. I don’t know how to process it. You talk about sex as if you are making a date to get coffee.”
“I am making a date to share my love with you, Ava. I am not trying to be cavalier. If I’m candid, it’s because that’s how I was raised,” Ari rubbed his fingertips over the stubble on his tan cheeks. “My parents, and the rest of my family for that matter, are very open with each other about all matters. We don’t get embarrassed. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just don’t want you to regret me.”
I let out a breath and promised again to think things over. Ari had mentioned boundaries before and I finally saw that he was right. As embarrassing as these conversations might be, I would be wise to make some better ground rules for myself and for him, especially since we were once again sleeping in the same bed and were planning to travel together.
We talked more about our relationship and Ari actually made our conversation kind of fun. Sure, I blushed a lot and I learned a lot, but I also giggled uncontrollably at some of his comments. By the time we nailed down the details of what I’m comfortable or uncomfortable with, I felt more confident and less shy with him – and that was a nice feeling.
Ari owned all nineteen episodes of My So-Called Life on DVD. After our lengthy talk, he put the first disc on while we packed our bags for a long summer’s stay in Canada.
“Just so you know,” Ari said, interrupting Claire on the TV, “my family is going to want to see you at some point today, and my mom wants to have dinner.”
I zipped up my bag and climbed to my knees.
“In that case I had better get in the shower.”
“You want company?” he asked with a sly smile on his face. I knew he was joking after the long conversation we had just had – that was a definite no. But still, a part of me, a very large part of me, actually, wanted to tell him “yes.”
“I always want your company, but I can’t invite you along.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well,” I leaned in close to him, my mouth on his ear, “I have never told anyone this before, but I shower in the nude.”
Ari faked astonishment.
“How very brazen of you, Ava.”
“Promise not to tell anyone?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”