CHAPTER V.
MARK IN DISGRACE.
"In my excursions into the various fields of knowledge I have never yethad occasion to investigate the alleged discoveries of phrenologicalexperimentalists, and yet----"
The speaker paused for a moment, long enough to sigh mournfully. Then hecontinued:
"And yet I had, I think, sufficient perception of character asdelineated by the outlines of physiognomy to recognize at once the factthat the person to whom we refer is in no way a coward."
"I wish I had, Parson," responded his companion, ruefully rubbing alarge lump upon his forehead. "I wish I had."
The thin, learned features of the first speaker found it difficult toindicate any amusement, and yet there was the trace of a smile about hismouth as he answered.
"You say he 'licked' you, to use your own rather unclassic phrase?" heinquired.
"Licked me? Wow! He gave me, sah, the very worst lickin' I ever got inmy life--which is very natural, seeing that when a feller gits lickeddown in Texas they bury him afterward. I reckon I'd be a gunnin' fo' himright now, if 'twarn't seein' it's Mark Mallory. Why, man, a fellercan't stay mad with Mark Mallory long!"
It was just dinner time and Parson and Texas were sitting on the stepsof barracks, waiting for the summons and talking over the events of theprevious day.
"And how did this encounter originate?" inquired the Parson.
"All in my foolishness!" growled Texas. "You see yesterday morning whenhe didn't turn up to fight that 'ere yearling fellow Williams, I thought'twas cause he was scared. An' so I got mad an' when he did turn up Iwent fo' him. An' then I went fo' the hospital."
"His conduct did seem unaccountable," rejoined the other. "And yetsomehow I had an instinctive intuition, so to speak, that there was anadequate reason. And one is apt to find that such impressions aretrustworthy, as, indeed, was most obviously demonstrated andconsistently maintained by the German philosopher, Immanuel Kant. Areyou acquainted with Kant's antinomies?" the Parson added, anxiously.
"No," said Powers. "I ain't. They ain't got to Texas yit. But I wish I'dhad more sense'n to git mad with Mark. I tell you I felt cheap when hedid explain. I kain't tell you the reason yit, but you'll know it beforelong. All I kin say is he went down to Cranston's."
"To Cranston's? I thought we weren't allowed off the grounds."
"We ain't. But he took the risk of expulsion."
"And another, too," put in the Parson, "the risk of being called acoward an' being ostracised by the cadets."
"I dunno 'bout the astercizin' part," said Texas, "but I know theycalled him a coward, an' I know they cut him dead. There won't even aplebe speak to him, 'cept me an' you an' Injun. An' it's what I calldurnation tough now, by Jingo!"
"It don't worry me very much," put in a voice behind them.
The two turned and saw Mark looking at them with an amused expression.
"It don't worry me much," he repeated. "I guess I can stand it ifyou'll stand by me. And I think pretty soon I can get another chance atWilliams, and then----"
"If ye do," cried the excitable Texan, springing up, "I'll back you tomurder him in jist about half a minute."
"It won't be so easy," responded Mark, "for Williams is the best man inhis class, and that's saying a great deal. But I'll try it; and in themeantime we'll face out the disgrace. I can stand it, for really thereisn't much privation when you have three to keep you company."
"I reckon," put in Texas, after a moment's thought, "I reckon we'll haveto put off aformin' o' thet ere new organization we were a-talkin''bout. Cuz we kain't git anybody to join ef they won't any of 'em speakto us."
"I guess we three are enough for the present," said Mark, "at leastwhile all the cadets leave us alone. And if they try to haze us I thinkwe can fight about as well as the rest of them. Then there's Indian,too, you know; I don't think he can fight much, but he's----"
"Now, see here!" cried an indignant voice from the doorway, "now seehere, you fellows! I think that's real mean, now, indeed I do. Didn't Itell you fellows I was going to learn to fight?" he expostulated."Didn't I? Bless my soul, now, what more can a man do?"
Mark winked slyly to his companions, and put on his most solemn air.
"Do?" he growled. "You ask what more can a man do? A man might, if hewere a man, rise up and prove his prowess and win himself a name. Hemight gird up his loins and take his sword in his hand and sally forth,to vindicate his honor and the honor of his sworn friends and allies.That is what he might do. And instead what does he do? In slothfulnessand cowardice he sits and suffers beneath the rod of tyranny andoppression!"
Mark finished out of breath and red in the face.
"Bless my soul!" cried Indian.
"Such a course is by no means entirely unprecedented," put in Stanard,solemnly. "It is common in the mythology of antiquity and in the legendsof mediaeval times. Such was the course of Hercules, and thus did SirGalahad and the Knights of the Round Table."
Poor Joe Smith was gazing at the two speakers in perplexity. He wasn'tquite sure whether they were serious or not, but he thought they were,and he was on the verge of promising to go out and kill something,whether a cadet or a grizzly, at once. The only trouble was that thetall, sedate-looking officer of the day, in his spotless uniform ofgray and white and gold with a dazzling red sash thrown in, strode outof the guardhouse just then; a moment later came the cry, "New cadetsturn out!" and Indian drew a breath of relief at being delivered fromhis uncomfortable situation.
Saturday afternoon is a holiday at West Point. The luckless plebe,having been drilled and shouted at for a week, gets a much-needed chanceto do as he pleases, with the understanding, of course, that he does nothappen to fall into the hands of the yearlings. If he does, he does asthey please, instead.
Saturday afternoon is also a holiday time for the yearling, too, and heis accustomed to amuse himself with variety shows and concerts,recitations and exhibition drills, continuous performances that arefree, given by the "beasts," the "trained animals," or plebes.
It may be well at the start to have a word to say about "hazing" at WestPoint. Hazing is abolished there, so people say. At any rate, there arestringent measures taken to prevent it. A cadet is forbidden in any wayto lay hands upon the plebe; he is forbidden to give any degradingcommand or exact any menial service; and the penalty for breaking theserules is dismissal. The plebe is called up daily before the tacticalofficer in charge of his company, and asked if he has any complaint tomake.
Such are the methods. The results are supposed to be a complete stoppingof "deviling" in all its forms. The actual result has been that when ayearling wants to "lay hands upon the plebe" he does it on thesly--perhaps "yanks" him, as one peculiar form of nocturnal torture istermed. When the yearling wants some work done, instead of "commanding"he "requests," and with the utmost politeness. If he wants his guncleaned he kindly offers to "show" the plebe how to do it--taking careto see that the showing is done on his own gun and not on the plebe's.And the plebe is not supposed to object. He may, but in that case thereare other methods. If he reports anybody he is ostracised--"cut" byevery one, his own class included.
This being the case, we come to the events of this particular Saturdayafternoon.
"There were three wily yearlings Set out one summer's day To hunt the plebe so timid In barracks far away."
Only in this case there were half a dozen instead of three.
Now, of all the persons selected for torment that year, with thepossible exception of Mark and Texas, the two "B. J.'s," Indian was themost prominent. "Indian," as he was now called by the whole corps, was a_rara avis_ among plebes, being an innocent, gullible person whobelieved implicitly everything that was told him, and could be scared todeath by a word. It was Indian that this particular crowd of merryyearlings set out to find.
Mark and Texas, it chanced, had gone out for a walk; "Parson" Stanardhad, wandered over to the library building to "ascertain the extent oftheir geological literat
ure," and to get some information, if possible,about a most interesting question which was just then troubling him.
And poor Joe Smith was all alone in his room, dreading some visitationof evil.
The laughing crowd dashed up the steps and burst into the room. Indianhad been told what to do. "Heels together, turn out your toes, hands byyour sides, palms to the front, fingers closed, little fingers on theseams of the trousers, head up, chin in, shoulders thrown back, chestout. Here, you! Get that scared look off your face. Whacher 'fraid of.If you don't stop looking scared I'll murder you on the spot!"
And with preliminary introduction the whole crowd got at him at once.
"Can you play the piano? Go ahead, then. What! Haven't got any? Whydidn't you bring one? What's the use of being able to play the piano ifyou haven't a piano? Can you recite? Don't know anything? You look likeit. Here, take this paper--it's a song. Learn it now! Why don't youlearn it? What do you mean by staring at me instead of at the paper?There, that's right. Now sing the first six verses. Don't know 'em yet?Bah, what will you do when you come to trigonometry with a hundred andfourteen formulas to learn every night? Have you learned to stand onyour head yet? What! Didn't I tell you to do it? Who taught you to standon your feet, anyhow? Why don't you answer me, eh? Let's see you get upon that mantelpiece. Won't hold you? Well, who said it would? What'sthat got to do with it? No! Don't take that chair. Vault up! There. Nowflap your wings. What! Haven't got any? What kind of an angel are you,anyhow? Flap your ears. Let's hear you crow like a hen. Hens don't crow?What do you know about hens, anyway? Were you ever a hen? Well, whyweren't you? Were you ever a goose, then? No? Well, you certainly looklike it! Why don't you crow when we tell you? What kind of crowing isthat--flap your arms, there. Have you got any toothpicks? What! Notoothpicks? Don't suppose you have any teeth, either. Oh, so you havetoothpicks, have you? Well, why did you say you didn't? Take 'em out ofyour pockets and row yourself along that mantelpiece with 'em. 'Fraidyou'll fall off, eh? Well, we'll put you up again. Humpty Dumpty! Rowfast now! Row! Get that grin off your face. How dare you smile at ahigher classman! You are the most amazingly presumptuous beast that Iever heard of. Get down now, and don't break any bones about it,either!"
All these amazing orders, rattled off in a breath, and interspersed witha variety of comment and ejaculation, poor Indian obeyed in fear andtrembling. He was commanded to fall down, and he fell; he was commandedto fall up, and he protested that the law of gravitation----"Bah! whydon't you get the law repealed?" He wiped off a smile from his terrifiedface and threw it under the bed. Then, gasping, spluttering, he wentunder and got it. He strove his very best to go to sleep, amid avariety of suggestions, such as which eyes to shut and which lung tobreathe through.
This went on till the ingenuity of the cadets was nearly exhausted. Thenone individual, more learned than the rest, chanced to learn theidentity of the Indian's name with that of the great Mormon leader. Andinstantly he elbowed his way to the front.
"Look here, sir, who told you to be a Mormon? You're not a Mormon? Gotonly one wife, hey? None? Then what sort of a Mormon are you? Why haveyou got a Mormon's name? Did you steal it? Don't you know who JosephSmith was? No? Not you, the great Joseph Smith! Suppose you think you'rethe great Joseph Smith. Well, now, how on earth did you ever manage toget into this academy without knowing who Joseph Smith was? Didn't askyou that, you say? Well, they should have! Fellow-citizens and cadets,did you ever hear of such a thing? There must be some mistake here. Thevery idea of letting a dunce like that in? Why, I knew who Joseph Smithwas about seventy-five years ago. Gentlemen, I move you that we carrythis case to the academy board at once. I shall use my influence to havethis man expelled. I never heard of such a preposterous outrage in mylife! Not know Joseph Smith! And he's too fat to be a cadet, anyhow.What do you say?"
"Come ahead! Come ahead!" cried the rest of the mob, indignant andsolemn.
And almost before the poor Indian could realize what they were doing, orgoing to do, the whole crowd arose gravely and marched in silence out ofthe room, bent upon their direful mission of having the Army Board expelIndian because he had never heard of Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet.And Indian swallowed every bit of it and sat and trembled for his life.