Barely an hour later, I found myself at home. Racing to my room, I yanked open the drawer. My hands trembled as I reached for my stepmother's letter. I sucked in a deep breath to calm my pacing heart.
Brushing off the tendrils of uncertainty flocking around me, I grabbed the letter and slid it out of its envelope.
I don't know if anyone will ever stumble upon this. But I can only rest in peace when I have freed myself of these words weighing heavily in my heart.
These are the words I wish I could say to Cynthia my beloved daughter:
If regrets were water, I'd have an ocean. Nothing feels right without you. Every day of my life, I wake up, asking myself over and over again, 'Why has God allowed me to see this morning? Why do I still breathe? Why does the very same rain that falls on good people still fall on me, and the very same sun still shine on me?'
I thought that by giving you all the freedom in the world, our lives would be perfect. Yours and mine. I was so blinded by love, always letting you decide your every step. I remember the first night you went out clubbing. You were only thirteen. You returned drunk the next day. And did I say a word? No. I hid it from your father.
I'm sorry, my darling. I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough mother. I was so concerned with letting you live the way you wanted, that I forgot to pay attention to more important things. Had I been a better mother, trained you as I ought to have, then you would have been at home with your family instead of going clubbing that night.
I know I don't deserve forgiveness. I cannot even forgive myself for this. It does not belong to me to keep living. For this reason, I must end my life.
To you, Victoria. I don't even deserve to utter your name. Words can't describe how disgusted I am with myself for the way I treated you. I will not even ask for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it.
All I want is for you to let go of the past, and move on. I know, I'm in no position to say this, being the coward that I am for taking my own life. Before I depart, though, I must tell a brief story of my life, although I know that my experience in no way justifies the ill way I treated you.
I also had a stepsister. Gloria. She was five years younger. And although my mother brought her up as her own, Gloria did horrible things to us. She made a point clear, that a stepdaughter could never be a daughter.
Although it happened years ago, the memories remain fresh in my head, replaying over and over again. This was why I taught myself to hate you. I believed history would repeat itself if I treated you well. How was I to know that I was wrong?
I know nothing can make you forget the hurtful experiences you had with me. All I ask is that you find happiness. Aaron's family loves you very much. And there are others like Raheem and Stella. With them, I'll leave with the knowledge that my daughter is in good hands.
I wish I could take away every single memory you have of me. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, just so I can love you from the start. If only I had given love a chance, then the end wouldn't be like this.
Please don't cry when I'm gone. I don't deserve a single tear.
Your mother.
A lone tear plopped down on the letter. Only then did I realize my grief. More tears streamed down my cheeks like rivulets.
Moments before her suicide attempt, my stepmother had turned a new leaf. Not everyone survived bullets to their heads. But she had. If life had given her another chance, who was I to harden my heart?
In a split second, I made a decision I never thought I ever would. I would go see her. A quick shower stood in the way of my going to see her. Once done, I clad myself in casual clothes and headed for the hospital.