Tyson and Liz were in the living room when Marci pulled up. When she reached for the handle on the door her hand shook like a teenager on her first date. Why couldn't she shake the foreboding feeling that somehow things would never be the same with these people she loved? She opened the door and walked in. Conversation stopped and Cami jumped up to hug her. Todd stood too, because he was old school.
“I'm so sorry Marci. I know how much you two loved each other,” Cami whispered. Tears lingered in both of their eyes.
Marci nodded, afraid to trust her own voice. She glanced at everyone else in the room and gave them a tentative nod. Liz's eyes were filled with empathy and understanding. Todd's with deep sadness and Tyson's with apprehension and a tiredness Marci had never seen before.
Tyson took a deep breath, invited her to sit and then closed his eyes and started talking. Liz laced his fingers with her own and with her free hand grabbed his forearm. She would give me every ounce of strength she could infuse into that grip.
“We had an awesome lunch. It was fun and we laughed and teased each other. The waitress took a picture,” he said as if he just remembered that. “I'll send you each a copy.”
He shook his head to get back on track. “We just got done fighting over the bill when the restaurant began to shake. Glass went everywhere and we dove under the table. When it stopped everyone ran for the elevator but it was damaged so we all had to take the stairs down. We were the last in the room to make it into the staircase. Mom's hip had stiffened from so much sitting so she was moving really slow. She was trying so hard to hurry, but her leg just kept giving out under her. We made it down a couple of flights before the first aftershocks started and from there great big pieces of cement and railing just kept falling. Mom was crying and begging us to run ahead and get out in time but we couldn't leave her. We each wrapped an arm around her and ran down several more flights. The whole time she kept telling us how much she loved us and our families and how she didn't want us to die with her.” Tyson's voice cracked and he paused for a few seconds. Beside him, Cami sobbed softly as she pictured the scene.
“Finally, the whole staircase opened up into huge gaping holes and the ceiling was falling in. We maneuvered around a few holes but where Mark and I could jump Mom had to cling to the railing and edge around them. It was very slow going. I was racking my brain trying to think of a way to move us faster but I couldn’t come up with anything. That's when mom really started in on us to get out. She told us how much she loved us and she plead with us to be there for our families. I didn't know what to do. What she was saying made sense, and I could tell that the building was minutes away from going down. I just kept thinking about Liz and the kids, and mom was so convincing. It sounds so lame now but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”
Tyson looked for the first time into Marci's dispassionate eyes. He couldn't read what lay beneath their vacant stare. “I swear I thought Mark was right behind me Marci. I thought we had made the same decision together. But he stayed. For some reason he stayed.” He buried his head in his hands and his muscled shoulders shook.
Todd stood and crossed the room towards his oldest son. He knelt in front of him and put both hands on the sides of his son's tormented face and lifted it upward. He looked compassionately into the face of the man he loved and respected with all of his heart. “You listen to me Tyson. I know that woman better than anyone on the earth. She really didn't want you to die with her. She is smiling down on you right now as you are with your little family.” He paused and emphasized the words slowly as he looked imploringly into his son's eyes. “You did the right thing. I would be mourning the loss of 3 loved ones right now if you hadn't left.” Todd wrapped the younger man in his embrace in an attempt to absorb some of the pain.
The tender scene was too much for Liz and an inelegant sob escaped that came out with a little bit of a snort. She hurriedly covered her mouth and let the tears flow. In that moment she loved the father almost as much as she loved the son.
In comforting Tyson, Todd had inadvertently forgotten about Marci sitting beside him. Almost in unison the family members looked towards the most silent member of the family. She still just stared vacantly at Tyson. Todd rose turned to her. “Marci, are you ok.”
After an eternity she answered in a low whisper. “No, I'll never be ok again.” She was still trying to process the information. Had Mark chosen to leave her? Did he make a conscious choice to stay with his mother and leave her and Eli alone to face the world? She had a lot to work through. She wasn't sure if she was angry or not. And if she was angry, who was she angry at? It just all seemed so overwhelming right now. She wasn't sure she could even sort through all the different emotions she was feeling so she just buried them to sift through later. “I think I need to get home to Eli, “she said automatically as she stood and crossed the room. For some reason it seemed imperative that she get away from these people right now. She needed to feel Eli's soft, fuzzy cheek and smell his fine baby hair. They would all be there as the questions arose and she could ask them when she was ready. Marci stood to leave and all 5 family members embraced her in a brief hug as she made her way toward the door.
Cami was the first to speak after Marci left. “I can't imagine what she is feeling right now. I don't even know how I'd feel. My heart just aches for her. “She paced back and forth in front of the window, threading her fingers through her hair. “I wonder if we'll ever really understand.”
Tyson felt like he had been pulled through a sieve. Exhaustion as he had never known before permeated every pore of his body. Suddenly he understood Marci's need to be close to Eli. He knew he would draw strength and maybe, if it were possible, even a little joy from Kylee and Kenny. Tyson wanted nothing more in the world right now than to get home.
After Tyson left Todd sunk to the floor beside the couch. For the first time he allowed himself to wonder what would have happened if he had taken the afternoon off and been there with them in the restaurant. There was no question in his mind that he wouldn't have been able to get Shari out down the stairs. If the boys couldn't do it, he couldn't have either. Yet he also knew that he would have stayed with Shari and they would have been crushed together. The idea had a certain appeal right now. He was so tired, so lost and so alone. He allowed himself a few minutes to close his eyes and ponder how nice it would be to be with Shari and not have to deal with all of this heartache and hurt. Would he ever feel like living again? Would he ever look forward to the next day? Would he ever smile or laugh again? Right now it seemed doubtful.
Todd knew Tyson had done the right thing and he knew without hesitation that Shari would be pleased that he was with his family tonight. Yet, deep in his heart, Todd felt a swelling of love and gratitude to Mark. He had made the ultimate sacrifice for someone he loved, and a pride and admiration for Mark seeped through ever fiber of his body. Had one son made the right choice and the other the wrong choice? Todd didn't know. He loved them both fiercely and knew he would defend both choices as people inevitably questioned and speculated. He took a deep breath and started to rise. He felt old and achy as he wondered aloud, “Where do we go from here?”
Cami, always an empathetic, sensitive person like her mother, was as emotionally wrung out as an old rag. When the others left she went out into the back yard and sat on the old swing set that her parents kept around for grand kids. She stared up at the sky and watched a cloud drift across the crescent moon. How many times in her life when she had decisions to make had she sat on this very swing and stared up at the sky asking questions and looking for answers? The questions just kept getting harder and the answers more elusive. How did this happen? Would they ever be a family again? And she asked the toughest one of all, “How could she raise her family without her mom?” Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks and Cami allowed herself to wallow in her own self pity for several minutes. Then her thoughts turned towards the events of the day. She loved Tyson and she
was so grateful to have her big brother still in her life, and she knew what it had cost him to run down the stairs that day. She wondered if he'd be able to live with the pain. Cami pictured Tyson roughhousing with his two kids and the memory tugged on her heart. He would be there to love and protect his family for a long time to come. She loved the way Liz championed Tyson and she felt a little of that same protective instinct towards him. She had seen the determination in her sister in law's face and she really felt like Liz and Tyson would be able to work through it.
Then she thought about Marci and the life she would have to live without Mark. He had loved his musical little wife passionately and completely, and Cami knew there would be a giant hole left in her life for a very long time. She didn't know how Marci would attempt to fill the void or if she would ever be able to. Maybe a love like hers and Mark's only came along once in a lifetime for a person and she would spend the rest of her lifetime reliving the memories of a nearly perfect love cut short. Cami wondered how she would feel if she were in Marci's shoes. Would she be angry at Sean for making the decision to stay with his mother? Probably. Would she feel like he had been forced to choose between the women he loved and he had chosen his mother? Maybe. Would her heart and her life be shredded beyond repair if she suddenly lost Sean? Absolutely.
Cami drew little circles in the dirt with the toe of her shoes, and wondered what would happen to her family. Part of her wanted to scoop them all up in her arms and shield them from all of the pain the next few months would bring. But a part of her also wanted to just get in the car and drive away back to her little home and the tedious little problems that had plagued her life before it came to a crashing halt. Wouldn't it be nice to just run away from all this and pretend it never happened? She knew she never would but it sounded tempting as she ran her fingers down the chain on the swing. Suddenly, her husband was there beside her. He reached out tentatively and touched her soft hair.
Sean wasn't always the most sensitive to people's feelings but as he walked out the door and saw Cami sitting on the swing, twirling her toes in the dirt, with tears trailing down her cheeks he would have moved heaven and earth to know how to comfort her. He knew he'd probably bungle anything he tried to say so he just reached out and touched her hair to let her know he was there. She turned her face into his hand and felt the calluses of his palm against her cheek. Suddenly the endless questions were too overwhelming and she leapt up, wrapped her arms around his waist, buried her head in the crook of his neck and tried to melt into him and disappear forever, or at least until the hurt went away. He smelled like Irish spring soap and deodorant and Sean and she thought nothing had ever smelled so inviting. He held her close and murmured something unintelligible. Cami smiled against his shirt because she knew that whatever he said was probably totally inappropriate for the situation, but he was trying and she loved him all the more for the effort.
Marci's loss loomed heavy on her mind as Cami held tightly to this man she loved so much. Could she suddenly lose him in a moment to some unforeseeable tragedy? The answer was painful but obvious. The thought made her hold her husband tighter as if she could keep him safe within the circle of her arms. She whispered a quiet promise to herself, “Oh Sean, I promise not to take you for granted. I'll treasure every minute of life with you.”
Caught somewhere between the hurt and sadness of the day Cami experienced a little sliver of sweet, all encompassing love and held on to the feeling for dear life.