“How did you find me?” Mom asked.
“You going to ask me in, Terri?”
“Okay, but I was just headed out.”
“Whoa, big dog! What’s his name?”
“She. Her name is Bella.”
“Hey, Bella!” He squatted and almost stumbled as he reached for me, putting one hand on the carpet. His hand rubbed the top of my head.
Mom’s arms were folded. “I’m not sure why you’re here.”
“I’m spontaneit-ous.”
“Are you drunk or something, Brad? Something else?”
“What? Nah.”
“Look at me.”
The man stood up.
Mom shook her head, looking disgusted. “You’re stoned out of your mind.”
“Maybe a little.” The man laughed. He shambled into the living room, glancing around. Mom watched him coldly. “Look,” he began, “I’ve been thinking a lot about us. I feel like we made a mistake. I miss you, babe. I think we should give it another shot. Neither one of us are any younger.”
“I’m not talking to you when you’re like this. Ever.”
“Like what? Like what?”
The man had raised his voice and I flinched from it. Mom put her hands on her hips. “Don’t start. I don’t want to fight. I just need you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving until you give me one good reason why you dumped me.”
“Oh, God.”
“You look good, Terri. Come here.” He smiled.
“No.” Mom started to back away from the man.
“I mean it. Do you know how often I think about us? We were good together, babe. Do you remember, that time, we checked into that hotel in Memphis…”
“No. Stop.” Mom shook her head. “We were not good together. I was not myself with you.”
“You were never more yourself than with me.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Okay, I came here to tell you these compliments and you’re acting like a bitch.”
“Please leave.”
He looked around the room. “Not bad. Looks like your son’s back to living with you?” He squinted his eyes. “Maybe he needs a man-to-man talk about growing up and not depending on his mommy for everything.”
Mom sighed. “Oh, Brad, what you’re suggesting is so wrong in so many ways.”
“Really? You want him to wind up like his father? Dead behind a liquor store somewhere? Yeah, you probably don’t remember telling me that. You forget what bad shape you were in when I found you,” he said with a leer. “You owe me.”
“That’s what you think? I owe you nothing. You are nothing, nothing to me, nothing to the world.”
“I don’t feel respected here. You know what I’m saying? You got no right to treat me with disrespect. Not after what we done together. What I know.”
“You have to leave now!” Mom’s voice was loud and angry. I lowered my eyes, hoping she wasn’t mad at me, but then looked up in alarm when the man reached out and grabbed Mom by her arms.
Five
“Stop it!” Mom yelled, her voice so harsh I barked. I was terrified. She and the man stumbled against the wall together and something fell with the crash of breaking glass. I cowered away from it.
I heard a thud and the man grunted and backed away, bent over, and Mom went after him, her hands making dull sounds as they struck his face. She whirled and kicked him and he staggered. “You bitch!” he screamed at her. He flailed and she grabbed his arm and twisted it and stomped his legs and he toppled to the floor. I stopped barking. “God, Terri,” he wheezed. He was radiating fury and pain. He held his wrist in his hand. I smelled his blood and a trickle of it leaked from his lip and down his jaw.
“No, don’t try to stand up, if you stand up I will hurt you,” Mom warned angrily.
The man stared at her.
“You need to leave,” Mom told him.
“You broke my wrist.”
“No, I didn’t. I could have, but I didn’t.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
“No, you’re in my house and if you ever come near me again, I will kill you,” she said furiously. “Now get out. No, I said don’t stand up! Crawl. Go on. Do it before I change my mind.”
I watched, baffled, as the man made his way on his hands and knees to the front door. I went to sniff him, but Mom snapped, “No, Bella!” so I cringed and sat down. I knew I had done something to make her mad at me.
“I’m going to vomit,” the man choked.
“Not here. Get going.”
The man reached the front door and opened it, lurching to his feet as he did so. He turned back and started to say things to Mom, but she went to the door and shoved it closed. I could hear him fall on the front steps, but then he was weaving across the yard, and his smell drifted away.
Mom stood at the door for what seemed like a long time. She was so sad. I went to nuzzle her hand, which was wet from wiping her eyes. I was sorry if I had been a bad dog. “Oh, Bella, why can’t I ever do even one thing right?”
When she sat on the couch I jumped up to be with her and I put my head in her lap. I could feel some of the tension and sadness leave her. I was giving Mom comfort. This was more important than going for walks, more important than helping feed the cats—it was the most important job I had. I knew I should sit with Mom for as long as she needed me.
She stroked my fur. “You’re a good dog, Bella. A good, good dog.”
One of the house items I had learned to identify was the “phone.” It was metal and not the sort of thing I would ever want to play with, but Mom and Lucas talked about it a lot. Sometimes they held the phone to their faces and talked to me, though I never knew what meaning I was supposed to get out of that, and it never led to a treat of any kind.
While I lay cuddling with Mom, she put the phone to her cheek. “Lucas, can you talk?” she asked. I glanced up at his name. “I just … Brad was just here. No, I’m fine. I don’t know, it isn’t as if we moved here in secret, he could have found out from anybody. I had to get a little rough with him. He was … I’m not sure what he was on. Tequila for sure. And he does love the pipe. No, don’t come home, I’m okay here with Bella.”
I wagged.
“I just wanted to tell you that I was always afraid, if I saw him again, that his world would look good to me. That I’d want to go back to him, to that life. Like part of me doesn’t believe I’m really in recovery. But when he walked in I realized right then and there I will never do that again. Not to me and not to you. I almost lost you—no, listen—I know what I put you through, and I am just saying you don’t have to worry about me. Never again. Okay?” Mom listened for a while. “Yes, I’ll go up for a meeting tonight. I love you, too, honey.”
Mom put the phone down, still anxious. I climbed into her lap. Gradually, the tension left both of us.
* * *
The next time Lucas took me to feed the cats, I could smell there was another one hiding in there with the others, a new female. She did not come out. Cats, I realized, did not like people very much.
“So I talked to Audrey and she said they can’t do anything now because of all the NO TRESPASSING signs Gunter put up,” Lucas told his mother.
“I would think he would be happy they’re willing to try to rescue the ones remaining under there. It’s a win-win.”
“I don’t know what he’s thinking.” Lucas sighed.
“Do you need me to help with the nets she dropped off?”
“Honestly, no, I’d rather have you sitting on the porch keeping an eye out for Gunter.”
Lucas snapped the leash into my collar. Walk! We went across the street but did not have any food with us. He pushed at the fence and squeezed through a gap, then clapped his hands for me to follow, lifting me over and letting the fence flap back into place. “Ugh, you’re getting so heavy.” Lucas grunted.
He had me sit and watch while he picked up some thin blankets with little blocks of wood sewn into them. They
smelled faintly of cat, and I could see his hands through the material. “Okay, are you ready, Bella?”
I wagged. Lucas unclipped my leash. “Okay, here’s your chance. Go ahead, Bella! Go!”
Lucas picked up the blankets and gestured with them. I tensed. What was I supposed to do? “I know you want to do this. Go ahead! Go see the cats!”
There was not a word in any of it I understood. I sat, trying to be a good dog.
He laughed, and I felt the love coming off him and wagged. “You can’t believe I’m letting you, can you? Okay, here.” Lucas released one handful of blanket and seized my collar. He pulled me over to the hole to the den. I could smell several cats in there, and one of them was Mother Cat. She was not close, though. I remembered the crack in the wall and wondered if she had slithered into that small hiding place.
Lucas pushed my head in the hole. I did not know what he was doing but I did not think I was a bad dog. The cats smelled afraid.
I decided to go see my mother. I sank down to my belly and squirmed through the hole, which had gotten much smaller. When I was in the den I shook myself, wagging.
A familiar panic shot through the adult cats, who acted as if they saw me as a threat. Me! As I made my way back to the hiding place they bolted as a pack, streaking for the hole.
“Ahh!” I heard Lucas yell.
I shoved my nose into the crack but could not fit myself into the hiding place. I breathed: Mother Cat was right there in the darkness. I wagged. I heard her ease forward, and then her nose briefly touched mine. She purred.
“Bella! Come!”
I turned away. I wanted my mother to come with me, but I knew she would not.
When I squeezed back out into daylight, Lucas was happy. He held the blankets off the ground, and two very surly male cats glowered at him from inside them. “Netted two of them!” he told me, grinning. I was happy because he was happy.
Back home, Lucas put the two cats in a box. They were moaning in there, their fear loud in their voices. I sniffed curiously at the lid, and when I did so, they stopped making any noise at all.
“You’d like to chase them up a tree, wouldn’t you, Bella?”
I wagged, thinking he might let me play with them. Maybe that would make them less grouchy.
Right before dinner the bell rang. I barked like I was supposed to and clearly Lucas was upset at the ringing. “Stop! Don’t bark!” he shouted, probably to warn the person to go away. I barked again. “Hey!” he snapped. He swatted my rump and I stared at him in disbelief. We were all yelling and barking because the bell rang, why was he suddenly upset at me?
I wagged when I smelled the woman on the doorstep. It was Audrey! She was happy to see me and told me I was a good dog and a big dog and then she carried the box of cats away. I thought probably she was going to take them back to the den. If that were the case, I would see them the next time Lucas let me in there.
The remnants of cats in the box were still in the air when Lucas said, “I’m going to go read,” and he and I went to lie in his bed. He had a plate next to him with such glorious fragrances I was nearly dizzy. “You want some cheese, you silly dog?” He held out a delectable morsel between his fingers and I froze, watching it intently. “Oh my God, you’re hilarious—it’s such a tiny piece of cheese!”
* * *
The next afternoon Mom had just brought me in from outside and was unclipping my leash when I sensed there was something wrong with her. A new emotion came off her, accompanied by a sharp change in the tang of sweat on her skin. I sniffed her anxiously. “Good dog, Bella,” she whispered, but she wasn’t looking at me, she was staring off in the distance. “Wow, I feel really weird.”
Eventually she sat down to do Watch TV. Watch TV was where Lucas and Mom would sit on the couch and pet me, so I normally loved it. This time was different, though, because Mom was different. The bad smell was still there, and when she put her hand on me it felt shaky and tense. I was so apprehensive I jumped down and curled up at her feet, but a moment later was back up. Panting, I got down again and went to drink some water. When I came back, I sat and anxiously nosed her leg. Whatever was wrong with her, I could sense it was getting worse.
“What is it, Bella? Do you need to Do Your Business? We just went out.”
She went into the kitchen and pulled out the treat box. I loved the sound of that box coming out of the cupboard, but when Mom walked to the basement steps and opened the door, I was unhappy. She and Lucas liked to toss treats down there and have me run down and back up. Usually one of them said “good exercise.” I did not know what that meant and did not see why, if they wanted to give me a treat, they couldn’t just hand it to me or let me have the whole box. This time, though, I did not feel good about leaving her alone at the top of the steps when she pitched a couple of morsels down the steps.
“Bella? What are you doing? Don’t you want a treat?”
Even her voice alarmed me. I whined.
“Bella, go! Get your treat!”
Her meaning seemed clear, and those snacks at the bottom of the steps were luring me with their tantalizing odors. I ran down, needing Lucas. Whenever things were wrong Lucas would make them right.
As I gobbled the treats as quickly as I could, I heard a loud crash from overhead, a percussion that seemed to linger in the air.
Terrified, I dashed back upstairs. Mom was lying curled up on the floor. She was making small sounds and her hands were up by her face and were shaking.
I did not know what to do. I tried putting my head on her shoulder to give comfort, but her shoulder was rigid and did not relax.
I barked and barked. Mom stopped shaking as much after a moment, but her lips were moving and she made low groaning noises.
I was never more glad to realize, in that instant, that I could feel Lucas coming. He would soon be home. I was frantically waiting for him when his smell finally blossomed and the door swung open. “Bella? Why were you barking? You can’t bark in here! Mom? Hello?”
I ran from Lucas around the corner to where Mom lay. When he didn’t follow I ran back. He had gone into the kitchen and was pulling open drawers. “Your treats are out, did Mom give you a treat? Is she taking a nap?”
I barked.
“Hey! No, Bella!”
I ran back to Mom. Lucas was still in the kitchen. I stood over Mom and barked.
“Bella! Be quiet!” Lucas came around the corner. “Mom!” He ran to Mom and felt her neck. Then he stood up. I nuzzled Mom’s cheek. Lucas picked up his phone and after a moment was talking loudly, his voice full of fear. “Please hurry!” he shouted.
Not long after that, men and women came into our home. I could smell them, but Lucas had locked me in his room, so I couldn’t see them. There was a lot of noise at first, and then the front door closed and everything was completely quiet.
I was alone and frightened. I needed Lucas, but I could tell that he had left with all the other people. I did not understand what was happening, but I knew Lucas had been afraid and Mom would not wake up when he touched her. I put my fear into my voice, crying and whimpering, scratching the bedroom door, and then barked, so that people would know I was abandoned and frightened and needed a person to come help me.
No one came.
* * *
I missed Lucas so much I could think of nothing but feeling his hands on my fur. I would not be safe until he came home and let me out of the bedroom. The light filtering in the window had faded and I had smelled the change as the day turned into night and it seemed so very long ago. Now it was the time of night when only the quiet animals rustled in the grasses, and the birds were silent, and the cars going past were solitary and whispering, their lights briefly glowing in the curtains. Where was Lucas?
I was a bad dog. I had learned not to squat in the house, to do Do Your Business outside, but I now had no choice, and went to the corner and made a pile there. I knew Lucas would come home and shout “No!” at me. On the floor by the bed I found a long chew
y thing with his smell on it and was gnawing it to bits when I at last felt his approaching presence and heard the unmistakable sound of his feet as he came toward the house. I was leaping frantically, yipping, when he opened the front door and finally, finally came down the hall to me.
“Oh, Bella, I’m so sorry.” He put his face down to mine so I could lick it. I cringed when he got papers and water to clean up the mess I’d left in the corner, but he did not yell at me. He picked up the chewy thing. “Well, I never liked that belt anyway. Come on, Bella, let’s go for a walk.”
Walk! The sky was starting to grow brighter and I heard birds and smelled Mother Cat and other dogs and people as we strolled down the street.
I hoped we were going to the park. I wanted to scamper joyously after squirrels, to run up the slide, to play and play.
“It was another grand mal seizure,” Lucas said. “She’s not had one of those for a long time. We thought the medication had it under control. I’m really worried, Bella. The doctors aren’t even sure what is wrong with her.”
I sensed his sadness but didn’t understand. How could anyone be unhappy on a walk?
Mom did not come home that day, nor the next. When Lucas did Go to Work I was left in the crate and barked out my frustration and fear at what was happening. Why did Lucas have to leave? Why wasn’t Mom home? Was she ever coming back? Was Lucas ever coming back? I needed my person. I would be a good dog and do Sit and provide comfort if everyone would just come back and let me out of the crate.
* * *
I was overjoyed the day Mom and Lucas entered the house together. I barked and whimpered, desperate to be let out of my crate. When Lucas opened the crate door I barely gave his face a swipe with my tongue before I ran into the living room and jumped on the couch where Mom was lying. She laughed as I licked her cheeks.
“Down, Bella,” Lucas told me.
I did not like “down.” When he clapped his hands, though, I knew that he was going to be angry, so I reluctantly jumped to the floor. Mom reached out to stroke my head, which was almost as good as lying with her on the couch.
“So what does the notice say?” Mom asked.