against it. What he needed, he thought, was to find out more about Sarah’s family history. He needed to know more about her mother and grandmother. There was only one person besides Sarah who could help him with that.
August 30th, 1866--Dover, Pennsylvania
Hixson rose even earlier than usual. He hurried through the morning chores. As soon as the clock told him that the bakery might be open, he sneaked away to talk to Emma. If one person on earth could tell him, it would be Emma.
“Hixson, lad! I’ve not seen you in the longest time!” Emma’s hug was genuine and warm.
“Can we talk a while? I have a little trouble.” Hixson couldn’t make small talk. He had too much worry.
“Caleb, I’m going to have a cup of coffee with Hixson. Mind the front, please?” Emma called back to Caleb, and led the way to her own kitchen.
The story poured out, told of course from Hixson’s point of view. Emma thought him quite insightful, since most of what he attributed to Sarah sounded accurate. He knew she had been feeling worried, damaged, rejected and less than whole. With troubled hazel eyes, he came to the crux of the matter.
“Why did her Momma die in childbirth? Can Sarah survive it? I don’t want to lose her, Emma.” He didn’t cry, but his voice was ragged.
Emma patted Hixson’s arm. “I don’t exactly know why her Momma died. But I can tell you this. She never had the chance to really recover after she was hurt. She went straight from that to growing a baby. The poor thing could hardly eat for the longest time, her heart was so sick. That may have had something to do with it. “Sarah’s grandma hinted a few times that dying in childbed was tied up somehow with the way Sarah was conceived. She never would say exactly what. Not to me, anyway. I’m thinking your little wife knows though.
“I believe there’s something about the gift those women have. There’s a thorn on the rose, if you know what I mean. I do know this: if they couldn’t survive childbirth, they would all wind up being orphans, and that didn’t happen.
“Grandma could gather the light, you know, in her younger years. I never saw her do it while I knew her. But she had a child and lived. Your Sarah knows what the story is. You need to talk to her.
“Tell her what’s on your mind Hixson. Don’t let her go on thinking you don’t want a baby. That’s the same as saying you don’t want her, in her eyes.” It was quite a lecture for Emma to give. She was usually more inclined to laugh and joke. This was no time for jokes, though. Hixson was in danger of losing his wife, Emma thought, and needed to know a thing or two.
Hixson walked home slowly, pondering what Emma had said. Could that be it? Sarah’s mother wasn’t well in the first place? Why did Grandma not gather the light when she was older? Puzzles!
Sarah was making mint tea when Hixson walked in. Her stomach must be upset again, he thought. She looked at him with a blank face. “Did you want something?” She finally asked. Hixson had never heard her voice so flat and cool.
“I went to talk to Emma.” No point lying. Sarah watched him and waited. She had no idea what he would want to talk to Emma about, and did not hazard a guess.
Hixson sat down next to her, and tried to explain. “I’ve been afraid that if you had a baby, you might die like your Momma did. I’ve been hoping you wouldn’t get pregnant, for fear of losing you.” Sarah’s eyes widened, but she said nothing. She could see Hixson had more to say.
“I went to talk to Emma to see if she knew why your Momma died. She’s always said you were a lot like her. I thought maybe she knew something. She doesn’t, at least not that she’s telling. She said I should talk to you.
“She also told me that if you thought I didn’t want a baby, you might also think I don’t want you.” When he said this, Sarah’s eyes started to fill.
“You have to know, Sarah, that I love you more than anything. I would give my life for you, and gladly. You are my heart and soul.
“The idea that having a child might take you from me is the only thing that would make me not want a baby with you. I would rather never have a child than lose you getting one.” Hixson kissed her and wrapped her in his arms.
It was some minutes before Sarah had controlled her emotions enough to speak. “No woman can be sure she won’t die in childbirth. But it wasn’t ordinary childbirth that killed my Momma, Hixson.”
Sarah had never spoken of this before and was unsure how to explain. She hesitated as she searched for the words. “The women in my family, excepting Momma, have always been married to strong, caring men like you. They have to have a marriage of deep love and commitment. They have to. It’s best if the man has great inner strength and is strong in his wisdom, too.” She took a deep breath and continued.
“When my Momma gave birth to me, all the light that was her...came to me. Does that make sense? In giving me life, and the gift of light, she used up all of herself. There wasn’t enough left to go on with.
“If Momma had married a strong man who loved her and whom she loved, it would have been alright. The man’s life and light would have mixed with hers when I was born, and she would have lived.
“The light that I gather is all around, everywhere. Everybody has light of their own; I think it must be what life is? A strong man could have shared his light with her. But she didn’t have anyone.
“Even though she was alone, she could have planned it so that she did not give me the gift. Then she would have lived. But if she had done that, she might never have another child and the gift would die with her.
“She chose, instead to give her gift to me, and gave up her life in doing it.” Now tears were streaming down Sarah’s face. “The people around there were terrible to her. They called her all sorts of bad names, and accused her of being a whore. I doubt she would have ever married, in those circumstances. She sacrificed everything, convinced that she would not get another chance to pass on her gift.
“So here I am. An orphan. My Momma gave up everything so that she could give me life and her precious gift.”
Hixson gazed into her face, his mind reeling. He had turned this over in his mind a million ways, but had never thought of this. As always, he thought of many questions, trying to gain a deeper understanding.
“Why do you say it’s best if it’s a strong man who loves her? How do you know if a man is strong enough, or loves her enough?” Hixson hated the thought of not being enough.
“It’s complicated...let me think how to explain.” Sarah gathered her thoughts, trying to explain in a sensible way. “Alright. My grandfather. He loved Grandma enough, that was clear. She had two sons and then my mother, and lived.
“But even though Grandpa was a good man, and loved Grandma, something was missing. When Grandma passed on the gift of light gathering to Momma, she lost it for herself. There was some quality of strength or will or intelligence...something that made the light that was Grandpa’s life not enough. So by giving Momma the gift, Grandma lost it completely.”
Hixson was starting to feel the crush of responsibility. How could any man measure up? Could he ever be enough?
Sarah could see the self-doubt as it played across his face. “Hixson. I don’t think Grandpa could see the darkness. I think that is why I didn’t know about it. But I think the other grandfathers...going back to those grandmothers who passed on their gift and still held it too? I think they must have been able to see what you see.
“There is something very special about you, I am sure. You are the only person, maybe in the whole world, who can do what you do. Maybe it’s why I felt so drawn to you right from the start. In any case, I know, way down deep in my soul, that with you, I will always be safe.” Sarah watched Hixson’s face as he digested what he heard. She wanted very much to believe that his only reservation about having a baby was his worry for her safety. Would this make him feel better? Or would it give him a new set of concerns? She wondered too, if he would ask the question she expected. He did not, but he had other questions for the moment.
“Do sons ever inher
it the gift? What happens with the boys?” Hixson wanted to understand all of it, and as quickly as possible.
“As far as I know, it has always been only the daughters than inherit the gift. My Mother’s brothers grew up and moved away, Grandma said. She said they were jealous of their sister and all the special care and attention she got.
“I don’t know if Grandma and Grandpa spoiled Momma that much. But they did treat her special. How could they help it? She was the one...the one child with a link to a gift that had been handed down since I don’t know when.
“Since Grandma didn’t have it anymore, Momma was the only one. You understand? Momma had a treasure that had to be looked after. Her brothers never really understood. They went away and we never heard from them. I guess all gifts come with a price, don’t they?”
“So if you have ten sons before you have a daughter, is your life in danger every time?” Hixson was still unsure about his own role.
“Not in any more danger than any other woman. The danger comes when the gift is passed on. It takes a special quality of effort and love and light to send the gift forward into the next generation. I wish I knew how to explain it better.” Sarah was frustrated with herself.
“When do you know? When you find out if it’s a girl? Does it always take? Can all the girls get the gift, or do they have to be special