“How? What happened?” she spoke through her tears.
“It was at your house. He was hit with a shovel.”
She was again overcome. Silas would have given anything to spare her the gruesome details, but they were going to come out sooner or later and it was best she hear it from him.
“I was hanging up some laundry when I saw the sheriff ride away. I knew, I just knew, something awful had happened.” She worked at composing herself. “What am I going to tell Becca and the boys? Carrie will be okay, but how will I ever explain it to them?”
Silas had no answers for her at the moment. He was sitting beside her, holding her hand, when Luke approached. Silas explained in as few words as possible. Luke suggested, with his eyes on Mandy’s white face, that he go for Mark.
“No, I’ll be okay. I just need a few minutes before I go in to see Carrie and the kids,” she answered for Silas.
“Why don’t you let me tell them?”
“Thank you, Silas, but I think I should be the one.”
“Why is Mandy crying?” The question came from Clovis, who with Levi suddenly darted into the barn. Mandy was given as little time to adjust as Silas had been given.
“We know you said you had to see a buyer, Silas, but we saw him leave and thought it was okay to come in.” Levi said these words, a little intimidated by the serious look on the big man’s face.
“Come here, boys.” Levi and Clovis unquestioningly obeyed their sister. There were still some tears on her face but Mandy’s voice was clear as she reached out and touched them, explaining what had transpired.
Silas thought if he lived to be a hundred, he would never forget the look on Levi’s face when he found out that his father was dead. Neither boy cried, but while Clovis was understandably upset and even a little confused, Levi, after a momentary look of pain, visibly built a wall around himself. His expression became very guarded.
“I suppose you’re going to tell me this was God’s will.”
“Levi,” his sister said almost sternly, upon hearing the cynicism in his young voice. “There were years of hurting before I understood how much God cares for me, and I’m hurting right now, but Levi, I have hope, something I never had before I trusted in God. Pa is dead and I can’t change that, but I do know that God still loves us and always will.”
For an instant her eyes dared him to refute her, then she grabbed him and hugged him to her fiercely. His sturdy brown arms went around her neck and he held on as though for his life.
After a moment Mandy’s arms opened and Clovis was pulled into their circle. There were more tears, many of them, but Mandy spoke to them tenderly and held them close. Luke and Silas, looking on, could only marvel at the special way she had with them and the tremendous love that obviously filled her heart for her young brothers.
36
Everything was strangely familiar and Mandy felt like her heart would burst as she looked at yet another pine box, this one holding her father.
It was the morning of the next day and she’d had to remind the children that the only reason they’d waited so long with their mother’s funeral was that they’d hoped their father would return home.
Well, Ward Jackson had come home, and less than 48 hours after seeing him standing in the living room, his casket was being lowered into the ground. The faces around the gravesite were more familiar this time. Ross had deliberately positioned himself next to Mandy. She had not spoken to him, however.
None of the children cried. Silas and Amy were near, but the five Jacksons seemed to huddle together at the edge of the grave. They were still standing in the same position when the service ended and people came over to offer condolences. Mandy and Carrie thanked everyone as they passed by, and when it was down to Silas and Amy, Mandy spoke.
“I didn’t know if I’d ever stop wondering where Pa was and how it would be to go back and live with him when he came. I worried at first, but lately I just prayed when I thought of it. Now the wondering is over.”
“If you’re trying to ask us if you’re still welcome in our home, the answer is yes.”
“Are you sure? There won’t be anyone else coming for us.”
“We understand that, and the offer still stands.”
“Thank you,” Mandy said simply, her eyes still on the grave.
“We’ll be at the wagon.” Amy spoke the words as she and Silas moved away.
Mandy turned to her siblings. “We can, if you want, go back and live at the house. I could get work in town, and we’d get by somehow.”
“Do you want to go back there, Mandy?” Levi asked.
“I want to do whatever everyone else wants, just as long as we’re together. Carrie, where do you want to go—out there or with Silas and Amy?”
“With Silas and Amy.”
“Levi?”
“Silas and Amy.”
“Clovis?”
“Silas and Amy.”
“Becca? Becca? Are you going to answer me?”
“What if Pa needs us?”
Mandy hunched down in front of her sister and spoke with her face close. “Becca, Pa won’t be home anymore. He’s dead, and even if we went back to the house he wouldn’t be there. Do you understand?”
“Like Mama.”
“Yes, like Mama.” They hugged then, and Mandy wondered what was going on in her young mind.
“We’re going to stay with you,” Becca informed Silas and Amy at the wagon. They accepted this silently, even as their hearts welled up with joy. As the wagon moved in the direction of Grandma Em’s, all the children stared in grief at the place that would forever hold the physical bodies of their parents.
Mandy had determined not to make a fool of herself, as she felt she had done with Ross on their prior meetings. Ross, though unaware of her thoughts, felt her reserve with him even after they’d arrived at Grandma Em’s. He hoped it was because of her grief and not something more permanent, as he suspected.
Ross had rejected Mandy, deliberately. Oh, it had been subtle, but it was rejection. Even as he felt a deep sense of loss, he reminded himself that he was the one to blame. She had wanted to get close to him, even before she was saved, but with just enough words and actions, he had carefully kept her at a distance. And now he ached to be close enough to her, emotionally and physically, to allow him the right to comfort her.
But Mandy and Carrie were in deep conversation with Aunt April and as much as he wanted to join them, he didn’t feel he had that right.
“How much do lawyers get?” The question interrupted Ross’ troubled musings.
“How much do lawyers get for what?” Ross met Levi’s direct gaze with friendliness. The boys had come up to stand in front of Ross’ chair in the corner of the living room.
“You know, to be a lawyer and catch murderers?”
Ross wasn’t prepared for this. His eyes traveled back and forth between the two boys who stood regarding him in open curiosity. They seemed so young to be talking of murder, but Ross knew that when a violent crime was committed it had a way of making one grow up, fast.
“Catching murderers is a job for the sheriff,” he explained carefully. “You’d have to talk with him.”
Both boys were disappointed with his answer and exchanged a look that said they’d come to a dead end. “We never see the sheriff, and I don’t think Silas would take us.”
“Have you asked Silas?”
“No. But he’s like a pa and pas are funny about what they want kids to do.”
And I’m not a pa, Ross thought, so I was safe to approach. “I still think it might be a good idea if you ask him,” Ross said aloud.
“Does that mean you’re going to tell him what we said as soon as we’re gone?”
“As a lawyer I’m very good at keeping things confidential.” They were clearly at sea with his choice of words, so Ross clarified for them.
“I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
They moved off then, and he wondered if Silas would thank him for
his suggestion. As his attention had not been far from Mandy at the church or Grandma Em’s, he knew the exact minute she arose and moved to the kitchen.
37
“Why don’t you go out now while you have the chance? Silas and Amy might be ready to leave pretty soon.”
“Will you come with me?”
“Sure.”
Ross stepped into the kitchen in time to hear this exchange between Mandy and Becca.
“Want to come outside with us, Ross?” Becca had spotted him as they were headed out the door, and Mandy felt like scolding her.
“Maybe Ross is busy, Becca,” Mandy said the words softly, honestly hoping he would be.
“I’m not busy,” he said easily, even as he wondered why he was pushing himself in where he wasn’t wanted. “Where are you headed?”
They were on the porch now, and Becca was yanking her sister by the hand. “Grandma Em said we could pick flowers in the yard. You can help us.”
Ross was a few steps behind the forcefully drawn Mandy, and he prayed for the right words to break down the wall he’d erected between them.
Figuring that Mandy would stand and watch Becca pick flowers, he hoped to strike up a conversation with her. No chance. She began picking the delicate blossoms right along with Becca, and Ross hesitated only a moment before he joined them.
Tall and very masculine in his dark suit, Ross looked totally out of place with bunches of wildflowers in his hand. Mandy couldn’t stifle a giggle. The laugh caught Becca’s attention and she, too, giggled at the awkward-looking Ross.
“I have a funny feeling I’m being laughed at.”
“It’s just that suits and flowers don’t really go together.” The words came out hesitantly, and Mandy wished she’d kept her mouth shut; no one wanted to be laughed at.
Ross’ brow rose in speculation, his eyes on Mandy, and she felt terrible when he turned back toward the house without a word. But he wasn’t leaving as she expected.
Hanging his suit coat on a nail outside the house, Ross rolled up his sleeves. With one hand he scooped up the flowers he’d laid down and rejoined the ladies.
Mandy looked at the way his shoulders and chest filled out his vest and shirt and once again wished she’d kept her mouth shut. Staring for a moment at his muscular forearms, Mandy bent over some flowers hoping he wouldn’t notice her fiery cheeks.
“That’s a weed, Becca.”
“It’s still pretty.”
“I guess it is at that.”
There wasn’t much conversation beyond that. Becca praised Ross on some of his selections and he thanked her politely. Mandy noticed how he always treated children with the same respect he accorded adults. Her mind was on Ross instead of where she was picking flowers and seconds later she plunged her hand into a thistle.
Her sharp intake of breath was heard by Ross, and he was at her side in a moment.
“It stings, doesn’t it?” He had taken her hand in both of his and turned the palm up for his inspection. Watching the way his thumb moved carefully over her skin, the desire to look up into his face, so close to her own, was nearly overpowering.
“Did you touch a sticker, Mandy?” Becca wanted to know. Mandy was thankful for the opportunity to take her hand back.
“It’s fine, really.” It did sting, but that was fine with Mandy. Anything to take her mind off Ross, or she’d be looking at him like a lovesick calf again and embarrassing them both.
Becca was picking flowers a ways off and Ross, who had stayed near Mandy, spoke for her ears alone.
“I’m sorry about your dad, Amanda. If there is anything I can do, I hope you’ll ask.”
“Thank you, Ross. That’s kind of you.”
“Amanda, will you please look at me when we talk?”
Her hands stilled their movement, but she did not do as she was asked. Ross watched her profile and had to stop his hand from brushing a blade of grass from her cheek.
“No one my own age was ever as nice to me as you’ve been.” The sentence came out of nowhere, but Ross was beginning to understand the way Mandy’s thoughts worked. He knew she was about to be brutally honest with him.
“And it’s easy for a girl like me who’s never had a guy of her own to misunderstand niceness. I know I acted in a way that made you uncomfortable and I’m still embarrassed. That’s why I don’t look at you when we talk. I’m embarrassed.”
“I don’t want you to be embarrassed. I want us to be friends.” Ross spoke sincerely.
Mandy had to think on that. Ross would be such a nice friend to have. But whether they were friends or not, Mandy was going to be seeing him from time to time with other girls.
“I’d like that,” she said simply and finally raised her eyes to his.
Seeing shadows beneath her eyes for the first time, Ross realized how thoughtless it was to talk about his own selfish desire to befriend her when her father had just been killed.
“My timing is always bad, it seems. Here you’re grieving for your father and I’m trying to push my friendship on you.”
“That’s alright. It doesn’t feel real to me yet, Pa’s death I mean. It’s like he was never really here, like I dreamed him coming to the house. And then to be murdered. I don’t like to think about that.”
“Silas told me the sheriff wants to talk with you tomorrow.”
“Yes. I guess I should be thankful. He wanted to talk to me today but Silas told him no.”
“Amanda, would you like me to be there when he talks to you? I don’t mean to make it sound like you need a lawyer, but if you want me to, I can be there.”
“Ross, I appreciate the offer but since you don’t really think I would need a lawyer, maybe you’d better not. You see, I can’t afford to pay you for your services. But thanks anyhow.”
She’d done it again—taken him totally off guard. Just when he thought he was becoming proficient at guessing her thoughts, she said something that took him unawares. It never once occurred to him to charge her for his time, and he told her as much.
“But why wouldn’t you?” she wanted to know. “You have to make a living, and you can’t do that by giving away your services.”
“There would be no charge,” he repeated firmly.
“I couldn’t do that. That would be taking advantage of our friendship, and even the Bible talks about that.”
“It isn’t taking advantage of our friendship when I’m offering to help you, Amanda.” But she would not be swayed and even though no voices were raised and no emotion showed on Ross’ face, he was frustrated with her for not seeing things his way.
The discussion was cut short when Becca needed Mandy. Not long after, they started for home. Ross said nothing when Mandy took her leave, but he would be in the sheriff’s office tomorrow when she came to town, whether she wanted him there or not.
38
Mandy stood for a long time with the letter in her hand. It had been such a little thing, Silas’ wanting to get the mail on the way home from Grandma Em’s. Now Mandy stood in her bedroom with the letter in her hand, not needing to have it opened to know it was from her pa.
“Mandy?”
“Come on in, Carrie. I’m glad you came up. I need someone to pray with me.”
Carrie did not need to be asked twice. The girls sat on the bed, and each one petitioned God on behalf of the contents of the letter and any changes it might make in their future.
“I wasn’t sure you were going to open the letter; after all, it took you a long time to look at Mama’s things. I thought you might want to wait on this, too.”
“I’d like to, but it’s not the same this time. Pa was murdered and maybe there’s something in this letter that will give a clue as to why that happened. With him gone, I wish more than ever that I knew what became of the letter he sent to Mama last winter. I never dreamt it wouldn’t be in her papers.”
After a few minutes of quiet, Mandy’s fingers began to work at the seal on the envelope.
Mandy, r />
I can’t stay here with your ma gone. Cameron is a good man he’ll do right by you and the other kids stay with him It was going to be different this time but I can’t stay with your ma gone when you miss her think on the good times and the stories around butterfly rock. The rock will help you she always wanted the best more than we could give. Tell all of them I care.
Pa
The marked lack of punctuation made some of the sentences unclear. The girls read it over three times and then looked at each other.
“What’s butterfly rock?”
“I was just going to ask you that. And the part about the good times and stories.”
“There’s nothing here…you know…like I hoped there would be.”
“Maybe we should show it to Silas.”
But Silas could make no sense of the words. He read the letter to the three younger children but they had no clues.
“I’ll mention it to Rufus tomorrow and see what he says. I suspect it was just your father’s way of saying good-bye because he was moving on. Mandy, what’s bothering you?”
Silas had been watching Mandy’s expressive face for a few moments and knew she had something on her mind.
“Well, it’s sort of sudden, but after we get done at the sheriff’s office I want to go over to the house and gather everything up. Something inside of me needs to have the house cleared out. For some reason it feels like a burden hanging over my head.”
“I see no problem with that. I’ll give Luke a time and he can meet us over there with a second wagon. We’ll take everything you want.”
Mandy was very quiet on the ride into town the next morning, and Silas wondered just how much more she could take. Levi had been impossible at the breakfast table, disrespectful to everyone, and especially Mandy. It was just one more worry on the overburdened heart of this 18-year-old girl. If the dark smudges beneath her eyes were any indication, she was near the breaking point. Silas asked God to sustain her as only He could.