“And move where? How the hell could you live in an apartment after living here? Be like eating cat food when you were used to caviar.”
“But you’ll do it? You don’t mind if we try?”
“It’s completely crazy,” said Kate despairingly, and Lee kissed her.
It was crazy, and it was hard—hour upon hour of backbreaking, unfamiliar, filthy labor with hammer and crowbar, Skil saw and belt sander; making heartbreaking mistakes, learning new skills, working long hours of overtime to pay for this mad venture; tedious commutes for Kate, who could not shift jobs as easily as Lee; fights over bills and burst pipes.
The one great blessing, disguised though it was at first, was that it left them neither time nor money for a social life, and the cloud that had threatened from the horizon, that in fact had blackened the skies and thrown several ominous drops on them, had retreated somewhat, become an uneasily ignored factor in their lives.
Kate would not come out. She told Lee the very first day, in Lee’s office in Palo Alto, and Lee, flushed and alive with the incomprehensible return to life of a dream that had begun to degenerate into mere fantasy, and believing that in this, too, Kate would change her mind, acquiesced. She had Kate; she would not risk losing her by insisting that they go public. Time would bring it.
Time had not. What had begun as a mild irritation had grown to an open sore, threatening to infect the entire relationship. The month before Lee’s mother died it had flared up when Lee invited two of her colleagues home for dinner and over coffee had casually revealed that she and Kate were not just housemates. The guests left an hour later. Kate turned on Lee in a fury.
“How dare you! You promised me, you gave me your word that you wouldn’t say anything about us to anybody. You probably brag about it at the clinic, ‘how I overcame my lover’s scruples.’ Lee, how could you!”
“Oh, Kate, this isn’t 1950, for God’s sake. It’s not even 1970. Your coming out might be a five-minute wonder in a very small circle, but that’s all.”
“No, Lee, that’s not all, not by a long shot. We move in different worlds, you and I, and I can’t take the risk. I’m a cop, Lee. A woman cop. If we came out, how long do you suppose it’d be before the papers managed to let slip the juicy tidbit that Officer K. C. Martinelli is one of the leather brigade? How long before the looks and remarks start, before I start drawing all the real hard-core shit jobs, before I’m on a call and someone refuses to deal with me because I’m that lez in the department and I might have AIDS? How long before some mama flips out when I try to ask her daughter some questions about the bastard that’s raped her, because mama doesn’t want that dyke cop feeling up her daughter?”
“You’re being ridiculous, Kate. Paranoid. Look, if this were Saudi Arabia, or Texas, or L.A. even, I could understand, but here, in the Bay Area? Now? It’s not news that there are gays in the department. Nobody gives a damn.”
“I give a damn,” Kate shouted. “It’s none of their goddamn business if I’m straight or bent or twisted in a circle.”
“You’re ashamed of it. You’ve always felt it shameful, but Kate, you’ve got to face it, or it’ll tear you to—”
“I’m not ashamed of it!” Kate bellowed furiously, and then abruptly, without warning, her fury deflated, and she looked at her lover in a despair that came from the depths of her fatigue. “I’m not ashamed,” she said quietly. “It’s just too precious, Lee, to allow strangers to poke their fingers into it. Yes, I’d love to go to your club with you, go to the coffeehouses, kiss you in public, but I just can’t risk it. You tell me that my refusal to breathe the fresh air is stifling us both, but I know, as sure as I’m sitting here, that coming out would be the end of it. I’m not strong enough, Lee. I’m just not strong enough.”
Lee let it go that night, angry at herself for handling the confrontation so badly. It was out in the open now, though, and Lee knew that Kate’s refusal fully to accept herself chipped at the foundations of their relationship and cut them off from the very community where they might find strength. She could not let it lie, and two days later, on a Friday night before two days off for them both, she approached the problem again. Kate was ready for her, and blew up.
The battle lasted until Sunday night, when Kate packed a bag and left the house, saying that she had to sleep or she would be dangerous on duty. She stayed away all week. Lee went through the motions of therapy with her clients for two days, and halfway through Wednesday realized that it was impossible. She went home to think.
It took her three days before she could see the truth, three days and nights before she was sure of her facts and could analyze the situation as she would a case. By Saturday night she had to admit it: Kate’s mania for privacy, her phobia of self-revelation, would have to be the basic premise of any future life together.
Subject’s job, she told herself as if dictating a case history, Subject’s job is one which brings Subject into constant proximity with the worst in humanity: pimps who sell children as prostitutes; men who sell drugs to melt brains; large and angry men with various weapons; drunks who stink and vomit on their rescuers; bodies dead a week in August, smelling so awful the wagon men wait outside. Subject puts her body and her mind on the line daily, in exchange for which she is allowed to be a part of one of the most powerful brotherhoods there is, men and a few women who are united in the inhuman demands made on them, a secret society in which superiority is recognized and rewarded, where the bickering and back-biting inherent in any family structure does not weaken the mystique that—give it credit—had sustained Subject for two years until she had been brought up short by the ugly, inevitable end product of distancing herself from the rest of humanity. It is the most public and visible of jobs, with the most stringently demanding code for its members. Is it not understandable that Subject refuses to risk an action that threatens to leave her without support, leave her outside the fraternity? Further, is it not understandable that Subject, to avoid being completely consumed by the demands of her job and the unwritten demands of her brothers and sisters on the force (a telling appellation), guards her true self, her private life, with such ferocity?
So. If Kate remains a cop, she will continue to guard herself, by giving herself a nickname, by not socializing with other cops, by keeping her home life a hermetically sealed secret. The question was, then, could Lee survive in a vacuum?
Another day alone, and she had decided that living with Kate was worth the suffocation. It might not always be, and Kate would change, given time, but for now, it would have to do.
She telephoned Kate at her hotel, they had a brief conversation, and Kate was home in forty minutes. Patiently, Lee set out to change Kate. Stubbornly, Kate would be moved a fraction of a pace at a time. The house came to them then, took up all their time and most of their energy, and despite the shakiness of that one cornerstone in their lives, a strength grew in them, supported them, drew them on.
They were happy. Against all odds, two troubled people had found their place and worked hard to preserve it.
They had never had an overnight guest before. Kate’s job, the more vulnerable, had never intruded before. Outsiders had never entered the heart of the home. And now, they were being invaded.
Three
The City
At birth our death is sealed, and our end is consequent upon our beginning.
—Marcus Manilus, Astronomics
Nobody ever notices postmen somehow… yet they have passions like other men, and even carry large bags where a small corpse can be stowed quite easily.
—G. K. Chesterton, “The Invisible Man”
26
At five minutes before four o’clock Monday morning Kate’s car reached the top of Russian Hill and rounded the last corner before home. With considerable relief she poked her finger at the button for the garage door opener and saw the light spill into the darkness as the door rose slowly to accept them. Her passenger’s eyes flew open with the sharp turn and the abrupt drop fr
om street level, and when the door had rumbled shut she slowly sat up and looked around in the sudden, still silence.
“Home.” Kate smiled at her. “You wait here for a minute.” Kate got out and did a quick check of the garage—in the storage closet, in the back of Lee’s sleek almost-new convertible, under the stairs. She then slid home the bolt on the garage door and went to open Vaun’s side.
“We’ll get you settled and I’ll come back for your things.”
“I can carry one,” Vaun protested.
“Best not.” Kate, hands empty, led the way up the stairs. She punched the code into the alarm panel at the top, opened the lock with her key, and reached up immediately to still the little bell the door set to ringing as it opened. She bolted the door behind them, flipped the inside alarm switch back on, and turned to Vaun.
“I’ll introduce you to the alarm system tomorrow. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?”
“I’d like a glass of water.”
Kate led her down the short hallway to the kitchen. Lights were on all over the house, as she’d told Lee to leave them, and she went across and filled a glass with spring water and added two ice cubes before she realized that Vaun was not behind her. She walked rapidly into the living room and found Vaun with the curtains pushed back, the magical sweep of the north Bay spread out in front of her. The night was clear, and every point of light from Sausalito to Berkeley sparkled. Alcatraz looked like a child’s toy at their feet, but Kate pulled the curtains together in Vaun’s face.
“Please don’t stand in front of a window with the inside lights on. It makes me nervous. Here’s your water.” Vaun looked like a startled deer, and Kate knew she had been overreacting. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you, but it’s one of the rules of the game. After I’ve checked the doors and windows we can turn off the lights, if you like, and you can look to your heart’s content. You’ve got the same view upstairs,” she added, “and higher up, though there are fewer windows.”
Vaun said nothing, just nodded, and drank thirstily.
“I’ll give you a quick tour so you’ll know what kind of place you’re sleeping in, and then take you up. Okay? This, as you can see, is the living room. If you get the urge there’s a television set and VCR behind those cabinet doors.” The room was the full width of the house, more than fifty feet, with high walls of virgin redwood and natural hessian and a magnificent expanse of oak floor inset with a complex geometrical border of cherry, birch, and teak. It was divided informally by a hodgepodge of mismatched furniture, a beautiful rosewood dining table with a dozen odd chairs at one end, pale sofas and chairs at the other, two inexpensive Tibetan carpets in rose and light blue and white, a number of large and healthy plants, and an enormous metal sculptural form bristling with a hundred delicate pointed bowls, each one supported by a tiny, perfect human figure. Vaun went over to it and eyed it curiously, and Kate laughed.
“That’s one of Lee’s treasures. It’s a sort of oil-lamp candelabra, from South India. Each of the bowls is filled with oil and has a wick stuck into it.”
“Do you use it?”
“We lit it once, but either we had the wrong kind of oil or else it needs to be outside, because it smoked to high heaven and covered everything with black smuts.”
“And we slipped on patches of oil for a week afterwards,” came a voice from behind them. Lee stood in the doorway, wearing a long, thick white terrycloth bathrobe, her hands deep in the pockets. The tangle of her hair spoke of the pillow, and an angry red smudge on the bridge of her nose showed that she’d fallen asleep with her reading glasses on again.
“I’m sorry we woke you, Lee,” Kate said, and made introductions.
“You didn’t wake me,” she said, and looked at Vaun to add, “I’m often up early.”
“Lee, would you finish giving her the five-cent tour while I run her things upstairs?”
“Glad to.”
Kate followed Lee’s easy monologue with her mind while working the alarms, stilling the bell, and carrying the bags up from the garage to the recently furnished guest room. She then checked every window and door, every closet, and (feeling slightly foolish) under every bed, before joining the two in Lee’s consulting rooms.
The suite of rooms where Lee saw her clients shared a front door with the rest of the house, but was entered by a door immediately inside the main entrance. The rooms were self-contained, with a toilet and even a small refrigerator and hot plate.
The first room was a large, informal artist’s studio-cum-study, with a desk and two armchairs in one corner and an old sofa and some overstuffed chairs in another. Three easels, a high work table, a sink, and storage cupboards took up the rest of the room. In the cupboards were paper, canvas boards, watercolors, acrylics and oils, big tubs of clay, glazes, dozens of brushes, and myriad other supplies that might be called for by a client putting shape to an image from the depths of his or her mind. It was a comfortable, purposeful space, but the next room, the smaller sand-tray room, was Lee’s pride and joy. Kate followed the sound of voices back into it.
She had not been in the room in two weeks, and she was struck anew at the enchantment of the place. Three solid walls of narrow shelves held hundreds, thousands of tiny figurines. There were ballerinas and sorcerers, kings and swans and rock stars, horses, dragons, bats, trees, and snakes. One long shelf held two entire armies, one tin with knights and horses, the other modern khaki. Tea sets, tiaras, and teddy bears, the walls for a castle and a gingerbread dollhouse and a suburban tract house, thumb-sized street signs, creatures mythical and pedestrian, men, women, children, babies, a tiny iconic crucifix and an ancient carved fertility goddess, a porcelain bathtub, cars, planes, a horse-drawn plow and a perfect, one-inch-long pair of snowshoes. There were even the makings for a flood and a volcanic eruption at hand, when destruction was called for. Vaun was standing next to the taller of the two sand-tray tables, drifting her hand absently through the silken white sand and concentrating on Lee’s words.
“—exactly right. That’s why I start nonartists out in the other room, and ask them to try the paints or a collage or a sculpture. But of course, an artist is used to forming things into a visual expression, and it’s not as likely to be therapeutic as the sand trays are. Here, where all the objects are already available, not waiting for manipulation, the unconscious is freed from aesthetic decisions and judgments and can just get on with telling its story through the choice and arrangement of figures and objects. The statement the final arrangement on the tray makes can be very revealing.”
“Revealing to you?”
“Both to me and to the client. When they have finished, I usually come in and ask questions and comment, and I often leave it up for a while to study it, though I do have a couple of clients who do one by themselves and then put it away unless they have a question. If I know the person well enough to be sure he can handle it, I encourage it. It’s all therapy.”
“Speaking of which,” Kate interrupted gently, “do you think this is the best treatment for someone just released from a hospital bed?”
Vaun did look tired, despite the short sleep she had had in the car, and followed Kate meekly up the stairs, past Lee’s room on the left and Kate’s on the right, to the large airy room at the end of the hallway, the one with no nearby trees, no sturdy drainpipes, no balcony, and windows that framed an incomparable view of the world. Lee had put roses on the dresser, delicate, tightly furled buds of a silvery lavender color.
“Bathroom,” said Kate, opening a door and shutting it. “Television,” doing the same with a cabinet. “Alarm button,” handing Vaun a looped cord on which hung a small black square with an indented button. “It’s not waterproof, but other than in the bath wear it every minute or keep it nearby. Push it and I’ll be here in ten seconds. That’s my room there, if you need anything during the night. Lee’s is on the other side. If you want a book, the door at the other end is what we grandly call the library.”
“Does L
ee really get up at this time, or was she being polite?”
“Lee keeps even weirder hours than I do. A couple of weeks ago she spent several nights at the hospital until about this time, but when she goes to bed at a normal hour, she gets up early, yes. She doesn’t sleep much. Don’t worry about Lee, don’t worry about me. You are welcome here.” To her own surprise, she realized that she meant it.
“Thank you, Casey.”
“Kate. Call me Kate, please?”
“Yes. Thank you, Kate. Good night.”
“Keep the button near you, and don’t open the windows until I rig a way to override the alarm. And turn off the lights if you open the curtains. Please.”
Vaun looked suddenly fragile, and she sat on the bed. “Oh, Casey. Kate. Really, I don’t think I can go through with it. Let me go home and—”
“Oh, God. Gerry Bruckner said you’d feel like this. Please, Vaun, just turn off your brain for a few hours. You’re tired and unwell and easily discouraged, that’s all. Tomorrow the sun will shine. Even in San Francisco. Yes?” Lee would have reached out and touched Vaun, to soothe them both, but Kate did not.
“All right, yes, you’re right. Al Hawkin is coming?”
“For lunch. Good night.”
“Thank you, Kate. Good night.”
Kate slept lightly, every fiber aware of the woman who slept down the hall. She woke several times, at the short rattle of a cup in the kitchen, a door opening, once a short cry of words, Vaun’s dreaming voice. The doorbell woke her finally, and she lifted her head to listen to Lee’s footsteps as she went to answer it. The clock by the bed said it was ten forty-two. Hawkin’s voice came up the stairs, and she relaxed, lay back and stretched hard, and in a minute got up to put on her clothes and go down to greet him.
The burr of the coffee grinder pulled her down the hallway, and she found Hawkin ensconced at the little table eyeing Lee’s back with an expression of uncertainty and slight distaste. Lee was wearing one of her typical eclectic outfits, in this case baggy, paint-encrusted trousers made of Guatemalan cloth, a long-sleeved blouse of smoky plum raw silk, the sleeves rolled up, a pair of moccasins Kate had bought her in the Berkeley days from a Telegraph Avenue vendor, a starched white apron Lee’s grandmother had made, and a pencil holding back the knot in her hair. Nothing to inspire distaste. Perhaps the pencil?