Visiting my gynecologist had never been one of my favorite things to do. Sitting on the cold piece of paper wearing nothing but a glorified paper towel did not make me comfortable or keep me warm, even while wearing socks.
The walls in the room felt like they were closing in on me. I never had more than one physical a year. The reasons that led me here again made me nervous.
A knock on the door announced the doctor’s arrival.
“Ms. Campbell, it’s good to see you.” She smiled warmly and shook my hand before turning her attention to the file she held. “It seems you were here in August and tested for STDs. All of your lab work came back negative.” Her eyebrows scrunched. “And now you want to be tested again? I applaud your willingness to monitor your health, but this is odd. You’ve been my patient for the past five years; you’ve never needed more than the normal screenings.” She flipped through my file again.
I sat quietly, fiddling with my fingertips.
“You’re also requesting a pregnancy test.” Her eyebrows rose in question, studying me intently. “As your doctor, I have to ask, is everything okay?”
Good question, one I wanted to avoid. After the rape, when I got screened, my first thought was to visit a free clinic where testing would be anonymous. No unnecessary questions, no evidence of what happened left behind in my permanent file. If the results were negative, it would be as if nothing ever happened.
But reasoning prevailed. Seeing my doctor made sense. She knew my medical history and would know immediately if something were wrong.
“Dr. Chambers, I’m fine, thanks for asking. There was a …accident a few months back…”
“Accident as in broken condom?”
The memory of the last night with Brian made me smile. “Lack of would be more like it.”
On both occasions. My smile faded at the thought of Javan.
“Hmm. What about your partner? Has he been tested?”
“Brian? We talked about it before we slept together; he’s clean. He’s a good man. Plus, I’ve always been selective.” My words were passionate.
Dr. Chambers didn’t fail to notice. She made notes on my file. “You’re not on birth control. All you use are condoms?” She glanced up at me.
I nodded. “I was supposed to come in to talk about using an IUD, but my schedule has been hectic.”
“We can cover that when we’re done with the physical.” She added another note. “Any missed periods? Difference in bleeding?”
I hesitated. “A little. My last two periods haven’t come exactly on time and have been lighter than usual.” That alone made me paranoid beyond belief.
“We’ll do the pregnancy test in a few minutes. Let’s check your vitals.” She put my file on the counter, picked up her stethoscope.
Eyes, heart, lungs, reflexes, and breasts exam followed; Dr. Chambers took her profession seriously.
“Okay, put your feet in the stirrups.”
I complied.
“Any recent sexual activity?”
“No.”
I stared at the ceiling and listened as Dr. Chambers washed her hands and put on sterile gloves. She sat on the small stool at the end of the examination table. The crank of the forceps made me tense.
I gritted my teeth as the exam continued in silence. It lasted only a minute but felt like hours.
She removed the forceps. The snap of the gloves irritated my ears. Water splashed in the small sink while the smell of soap and hand sanitizer filled the air.
I removed my feet from the stirrups, glad this part of the exam had ended.
“Ebony,” she paused. “You’ve got signs of vaginal tearing. It’s healed, but... Were you raped?”
My eyes went wide. My first reaction: deny, deny, deny. Embarrassment followed.
“I…no, I…”
She patted my knee. “It’s okay.” She retrieved tissue for watering eyes that betrayed my secret. “Was it your boyfriend?” Her voice remained gentle as she sat back down on the stool.
“No, please, don’t…” I begged when she reached for my file again. She put it down. “No, Brian would never…”
“Do you know who raped you?”
I hung my head, unable to meet her concerned gaze. “Yes.”
“Have you filed a─”
“No!” Dr. Chambers watched, but didn’t seem surprised. “No,” I said again, in a calmer voice. “I can’t file a report. It was my fault.”
“Rape is never your fault, Ebony. If you were having sex with someone, even if it’s your boyfriend, and you change your mind, it would still not be your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have been there…” Every ounce of guilt that had been packed away came barreling down on me. Tears that disappeared months ago flooded back and ran down my face.
“Still not your fault,” she repeated her voice stern. “Have you told anyone what happened?”
I shook my head and dried my eyes. “You’re the only one who knows. Not even my boyfriend.”
She waited a beat before speaking. “Do you plan on telling him?”
“I can’t…it’s complicated.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “Have you had sex with him since the rape?” Genuine concern showed in her eyes. It felt good having someone to talk to, even if I wasn’t sharing everything.
“No. He’s been out of town for the last couple of months, working. This happened after he left.” I sighed heavily; the tissue in my hands nearly shredded. “He’ll be back soon. I don’t know if I can handle sleeping with him.”
Dr. Chambers nodded. “Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. To be honest, Ebony, you need to tell him. If you keep it to yourself, he’ll never know there’s a problem. Keeping it inside won’t help you recover mentally or physically.” She patted my knee again then gave me privacy while I was getting dressed. A few minutes later a nurse came in to collect samples for my tests.
I knew deep in my heart what my doctor said was true. It would be impossible to be with Brian again without sex being involved. After being apart for three months, he’d made clear how much he wanted me.
There were no valid excuses to buy myself time. My period wouldn’t be due for a few more weeks. Not knowing what would happen between us made me wary.
Dr. Chambers handed me several pamphlets when she returned. “Look over these.”
I read the titles; they were about recovering from rape. I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up a hand.
“How you handle this is your business. What you’ve told me was in doctor/patient confidentiality. Your life doesn’t seem to be in danger, and you’re not a threat to yourself or anyone else. I don’t know how you’re coping with this, but I strongly suggest you seek counseling. You can’t hold it in forever, Ebony. If seeing a counselor makes you uncomfortable, confide in someone close to you. You need to seek help or else it could affect your health. As it is, your blood pressure is elevated. The pregnancy test results are negative. Stress is probably what’s affecting your period. You need to remove as much stress from your life as possible. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health.”
Counseling.
I stuffed the pamphlets in my purse. I would review them in the privacy of my bedroom.
It felt good telling Dr. Chambers and not being judged. Talking to a professional could be a good thing, but seeing one would mean an obvious change in my routine. Brian’s return would make it hard to explain absences without lying and saying nothing was wrong.
But something was wrong. He just didn’t need to know about it.
Ever.
There were five days until his return.
Three days until the results of my STD test came back.