“We will darling. It’s my time to speak with Amy.”
“We’ll be waiting for you.”
He dialled Beth’s number and heard the phone ring at the other end:
“Hello Liam!” Amy’s girlish voice made him smile. He looked at her photo next to Toby’s; she looked so uncannily like her mother. He took an inrush of breath at the sight.
“Hey Amy! I’ve missed you! How has school been this week?” He couldn’t take his eyes from her face in the photo. His own daughter, and she was half-grown already. He switched on the speaker and her voice filled the room:
“Ok, thanks. I came top in the maths test on Friday. I even beat Penny Green, and nobody ever usually beats her. She’s not speaking to me now.”
“Well done. You’re a clever girl. Don’t you worry your head about Penny Green; she has to learn to meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same. That last bit is part of a very famous poem by Rudyard Kipling.”
“Miss Everett read us that one the other day. I remember it’s called ‘If’.”
“I recall when I was a boy the whole class had detention and we couldn’t go home unless we could recite it out loud from memory. I still remember the whole poem to this day.”
“Wow. We have to write lines if we’re naughty, but I’m not naughty though.” Amy swivelled round on the office chair as she spoke.
“What are you reading now Amy?” Liam smiled and wished he could give his daughter a hug.
“George’s Marvellous Medicine. It’s funny, but Miss Everett wants me to start reading a book by somebody called William Shakespeare, but it’s boring and I can’t understand it.”
“You will as you get older. Maybe Miss Everett’s asking too much of you at the moment.”
“Mummy says there’s more books with stories about Philip, Jack, Lucy-Ann and Dinah.”
“I’m going to order you the whole series on the Internet and send them to you.”
“Wow! Thanks Liam, and guess what?”
“What?”
“I got in the bath last night and I didn’t drown!”
“That’s wonderful sweetheart. I’m very proud of you!”
“Liam. Actually, would you mind if I do call you Daddy?”
He swallowed a lump in his throat:
“No, sweetheart. I wouldn’t mind at all.”
He could hear Patty’s voice calling from the kitchen:
“I’ve got Toby ready to go out now!”
“Yes ok, darling. I’ll be there in a minute!” He felt a wave of irritation at the sound of her voice.
“Is Mummy there, Amy?”
“Not in the room. She’s in the kitchen with Granny getting tea.”
“Can you tell her I’d like to speak to her please?”
“Ok” Amy gave a final swivel on the chair and jumped off. After a few moments she returned, and Liam’s heart gave an extra beat.
“Amy, could you find that book you have about Philip and Jack and the others and let me know who wrote it please? I just want to make sure I get the author right?”
“Ok!” Amy ran off happily to find her book, and Liam took advantage of the few minutes he had alone with Beth.
“Hello darling. I’ve missed you so much! Why haven’t you answered my emails?”
“Liam, I don’t think it’s right we should be doing this.”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do. I always have.”
“Then it’s right. I can’t function without speaking to you.”
“What about Patty?”
“Don’t you worry about Patty.”
“But I do. I don’t want to be the one that breaks up your family.”
“Too late! You already have!” A voice behind him startled Liam. He had been too wrapped up in looking at Beth to notice anyone coming into the office.
He turned around and saw Patty’s flame-red hair and matching furious face. She was holding Toby who was desperate to escape her vice-like grip. He struggled and cried and her eyes smouldered with hate as they looked over his head towards the screen. Liam’s heart sank:
“Patty, this is my time with Amy. Please can you give us a minute?”
“I can hear that Amy isn’t even in the room! I knew you were talking to her!”
At that moment he heard Amy come back. He could hear Beth’s voice in the background coming through the speaker, trying to divert their daughter away from the seriousness of the situation:
“Amy; I think Granny needs a hand with tea.”
“Oh but I need to speak to Daddy about my book!” Amy’s voice had taken on a whining tone.
“I’ll show it to Daddy don’t worry. Come back when you’ve helped Granny.”
“We were ok until you appeared! Me, Liam, and Toby. We were a happy family. Now Liam’s sending you love letters and God knows what else! Mind your own fucking business and keep out of our lives!” Patty was incandescent with rage. Toby screamed as loudly as he could manage.
“Granny says she doesn’t need any more help!”
Liam could hear that Amy had reappeared and was probably standing there next to Beth. Shocked, torn, and under pressure he did the only thing he could think of; he clicked the receiver down and ended the call.
“I’m going with Toby to Mom’s! You bastard! You can’t function without seeing her? Well fuck off back to England then!”
The office door slammed, and then the front door banged with a force to wake up the dead. Liam heard Patty start the car and then speed off down the road. He put his head in his hands and cried.
CHAPTER 36
He was not sure how long he’d sat there, too dazed and stupefied to move. He listened to the sound of emails arriving but could no more bring himself to answer them than fly to the moon.
Surely Patty would be back with Toby soon? Surely she hadn’t left him for good? The thought that he might never see his little son again was too awful to contemplate. He would have to apologise. He’d been so wrapped up in thinking about Beth that he’d completely forgotten all about Patty’s feelings; of course she would feel threatened by another woman appearing on the scene. He mentally kicked himself for being an absolute twat.
He reached over towards the telephone and scrolled down the menu looking for the number of the woman he could never quite manage to impress:
“Hi Cathy; Liam here. Can I speak to Patty please?”
There was an audible sigh at the other end.
“I’ll tell her you’re on the line. Hold on.”
It seemed like an eternity but in reality it was probably only a minute or so before he heard the receiver being picked up again:
“What do you want?” Patty’s voice was cold and completely without emotion.
“I want you and Toby to come back home darling. I’m so sorry for what happened earlier. It won’t happen again.”
“That’s because you’ll speak to her in secret or when I’m not there.”
“No. I’ll only speak to Amy from now on. That’s how it’s going to be.”
“Pull the other one; it’s got bells on.”
“No, I mean it. I’m missing you both already.”
“I’m not coming home tonight. Toby’s settled and asleep now. I’m not going to be second best Liam. You can’t do that to me. You have to choose; her or me.”
“You’re not second best. Please come home.”
“No way. You have a think about who you want to be with.”
There was a click at the other end as the receiver was lowered. Liam sighed; he looked towards the computer screen and saw he had three emails, all from Beth:
‘Dear Liam,
I’m terribly sorry about what happened just now. I should never have come into the room when Amy called. Can you forgive me?
Beth x’
He clicked on the next message:
‘Dearest Liam,
Are things ok with you and Patty? Please can you email me back and let me know what
’s happening.
Love Beth x’
By the time he’d read the third email he knew his relationship with Patty was doomed:
‘My dearest Liam,
I realise that possibly I’ve come between you and Patty and that you don’t wish to contact me. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to cause any trouble. I think it best that we don’t contact or see each other again. Of course you can talk to Amy at the weekends and see her in the school holidays, but that’s as far as it goes and I will not be in the room when you telephone her. Please show this email to Patty so that she knows how I feel.
Again please accept my apologies for causing any distress to you and Patty.
Beth x’
He felt fresh tears forming at the thought of never being able to see Beth again or hear her voice. He picked up the phone and tried to call her, but the tone sounded as though she had taken the receiver off the hook. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and began to type a message. If both relationships were doomed but he now had the chance to salvage one of them, he somehow knew which one it was going to be:
‘My own darling Beth,
I’ve tried to call you on the phone, but I keep getting the engaged tone.
There is no way you have caused any trouble. I loved you for years before Patty ever appeared on the scene, and I cannot switch off my emotions. Now that I know you’re alive I cannot live with the knowledge that I’ll never see your face again or be able to speak to you. If I had known we would meet again in the future I would never have looked for anybody else. Patty is never going to be able to fill the enormous gap that you left in my heart; she has given me a beautiful son and I will always stay fond of her, but I cannot help my feelings towards you. I will have to tell Patty that I love you more.
Do you still love me? How would you feel about bringing the children over to Toronto for a couple of weeks’ vacation at Easter? Would you be ok with the travelling (you would probably feel fine on the Citalopram by then)? I’ll pay your fares. We can get to know each other all over again, and I can get to know my daughter better. I could meet you at the airport and we could stay in my family’s cottage near Kincardine, on the shores of Lake Huron. The weather probably won’t be too good, but there’s a lovely wood burner inside the cottage and we’ll be cosy and warm. We can drive into Kincardine for supplies, and there’s a weekly market there that you’ll like.
If you’re agreeable and want to be with me again I’ll take the next couple of months to find some suitable accommodation for myself so that Patty and Toby can have the house. I’ll try and smooth it over with Patty so that I can at least keep in touch with Toby. When I have a new place and I’m on my own I’ll call you and we’ll be able to talk again and make future plans. I realize now that I needed to make a choice, and I have just done so. I love my son desperately but I cannot live without you in my life. Please come back to me. I love you. I have always loved you. I will never stop loving you.
Please let me know how you feel. I want you back in my life.
All my love forever,
Liam xxxx’
With a heavy heart he turned off the computer and ran a hand through his hair. He had no idea how Beth would reply, if indeed she was going to reply at all. Above the monitor was a photo he’d taken of Patty and Toby, happy and smiling after a picnic on the beach the previous summer. Their world would soon be turned upside down, and Liam knew that as his son grew older he might never want to make contact again. At that precise moment he hated himself for what he might have to do to Toby because he couldn’t love Patty enough.
He tossed and turned that night; once again sleep eluded him. At 3am he went downstairs and switched on the computer, and the message he’d been waiting for popped up on the screen:
‘Darling Liam,
I love you. I’ll wait forever for your call.
All my love,
Beth
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’
He went back to bed and slept like a baby.
CHAPTER 37
The alarm’s shrill sound cut into his dream. He’d been at the cottage, standing with his arms around Beth on the decking, and looking out at the sunset over the lake. Eyes closed, he reached an arm over to the other side of the bed, but the feeling of completeness soon faded when his hand touched nothing but a cold sheet.
Wide awake and with a feeling of impending doom, he quickly showered and dressed, ate a bowl of cereal and caught the tram to his morning clinical practice downtown. On returning he could see their car in the driveway, signalling that Patty was home.
As he turned the key in the lock his heart gave a lurch at the sight of his son running down the passageway to greet him.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Toby raised his arms and Liam gathered him up, pressing his face into the warm sweet-smelling neck.
“Hi little fella! Daddy’s so pleased to see you!” He kissed Toby, enjoying the feel of the baby’s head upon his shoulder.
“He’s due for his afternoon nap now.” Patty came out into the hallway and unsmiling, took the baby and went upstairs.
Pouring some coffee from the percolator while Toby was settling in his cot, Liam wondered how many more times he would perform such an everyday task in the kitchen that he’d lovingly designed himself. He’d never really thought about it before, but then again he’d never been on the verge of moving out.
Uncertain as to whether it was the shot of caffeine or the sound of Patty’s footsteps on the stairs making his heart beat faster, he turned around as she came into the room:
“Well? Have you made your mind up then?”
Liam thought she looked more beautiful than ever. She’d obviously taken time and trouble with her makeup, and the effect was stunning. However, his heart belonged to one person, and one person only.
“I’m so sorry Patty. I lost her for ten years and I just can’t lose her a second time. She offered to never contact me again so that you and I could be together, but I just can’t do it. Forgive me. I’m such a bastard.” He moved forward to take her in his arms, but she backed away.”
“Don’t come anywhere near me! This is it; we’re finished, you and me. You’ll never see Toby again!” She began to cry at the hopelessness of the situation.
“You can have this house. I’ll pay the mortgage and give you a monthly allowance, but I’m entitled to see my son.” He started to panic at the implication of her words.
“Not if I have anything to do with it! And I wouldn’t live in this house if you paid me all the money in the world!”
“Please Patty, be reasonable! I’ll go through the courts if I have to, but I want access to Toby.”
“Now I know why you never asked me to marry you! You were waiting for her!” She spat out the words with a venom he never knew existed.
He sighed and sat down at the table, exhausted and emotionally drained:
“I thought she was dead; that’s why I never bothered telling you. It was all over and in the past, but then she reappears out of the blue. I just can’t ignore her as if she still doesn’t exist. And then there’s Amy whom I need to get to know. I’m so sorry. I have to be with Beth.”
“Then Toby and I are in your way. I’ll be moving back with Mom until I find another place.” Calmer now after her outburst, she looked at him, dried her tears, and then walked out of the kitchen to begin organising a new life in which he was certain he would be playing no part.
PART 8 – EASTER 1996
CHAPTER 38
The landing gear hit the tarmac of Pearson International airport and the passengers’ applause was enough to wake Joss from his sleep.
“Are we there now?” Amy looked excitedly out of the cabin window as the plane came to a halt.
“Yes darling. Daddy will be waiting for us when we’ve collected our suitcases.” The thought of seeing Liam’s face in the Arrivals hall had kept Beth going throughout the ordeal of being cooped up in her seat with two children for the duration of the seven hour flight. She hop
ed he wouldn’t notice the few extra pounds she’d gained on the Citalopram.
“Come on. Don’t forget your book.” She relished the chance to stand up and retrieve her bag from the overhead luggage compartment. Putting the strap over her shoulder she picked up Joss from the bassinette and followed Amy out of the aeroplane and into the terminal building, glad of the cool fresh afternoon air on her face.
“Where do we go now, Mummy?”
“We have to go to the baggage collection point. Look at the TV screen and it’ll show us what number carousel to go to.”
“What’s a carousel?”
“You’ll see in a minute.” She smiled at her daughter’s curiosity that at present knew no bounds.
Thankfully the pushchair was one of the first items to come through. Strapping her son in securely and giving instructions to Amy to stay with the baby, Beth found a trolley and waited by the carousel for the rest of the baggage. The first sight of his smiling daughter pushing Joss, and of Beth following wearily behind with the trolley full of suitcases would stay with him for a long time and confirm to him that he’d made the right decision:
“There’s Daddy!” Amy’s mothering skills took a slight downward turn as she ran towards her father on the other side of the barrier.
“Don’t forget Joss!” Liam pointed at the sleeping baby. Amy laughed and ran back to retrieve her brother.