Chapter 9
Trish stayed up late again trying to catch up on her work, and when she woke up early on Monday morning, she struggled with getting out of bed. Trevor started back to school that day, so she had to drop him off and take Lexie to her mother’s house. She had a pounding headache, and her throat felt raw.
Jake called the office that morning to tell her he planned on leaving later that day for Albuquerque instead of tomorrow in hopes that he’d be home sooner. She wished him a safe trip, and he promised to call her later that night.
Thankfully, she didn’t have much on the calendar for the day. She tested another kid, and she did some paperwork, but as the day wore on, she began to feel achy. For once, she didn’t stay late at work, but picked up the kids at her parents’ house, got McDonald’s, and went home.
As soon as the kids finished eating, Trevor got his homework out, and she supervised while he practiced his spelling words, wrote in his journal and drew the accompanying picture. Then it was time for baths followed by brushing teeth, laying out clothes for the next day, and finally story time. Right after she tucked the kids into bed, the phone rang.
“Hi, honey, what’s going on in El Paso?”
“Hi, Jake. I see you made it safely to Albuquerque. Nothing new here. How about over there?
“It’s pretty cold here. You sound kind of funny. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I think I’m catching a cold or something. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. You should go to bed early tonight.”
“I’ve got some work to do, but I’ll try. The kids already went to bed, so I can follow suit as soon as I get a few things done.”
“I miss you, Trish. I wish you were here.”
“I miss you, too. How’s your contract looking?”
“I meet with the key players tomorrow to discuss the progress and plan. Then, I’ll go out to the sites to look around and interview a few workers I need to hire besides the team I’m sending up from El Paso.”
“Good luck. I’d better go, so I can finish up. Be careful.”
“I will. You take care of yourself. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
They hung up, and Trish took her work out of her satchel and dug in. Three hours later, she hadn’t finished, but she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer. Her head felt like it had doubled in size, and it hurt to smile. She took a couple of Advil and went to sleep, setting the alarm to go off at four in the morning in hopes of finishing the work she’d started that evening. She checked on the kids one more time and fell into an exhausted sleep.
When the alarm went off at four the next morning, she got up and went to the kitchen table where she’d left her work out the night before and started where she’d left off. She felt worse than she had yesterday, and she found it hard to focus, but she plodded on until she had to wake the kids. She felt like she was moving in slow motion, but she dropped them both off later that morning and headed to the office.
She had a full day planned with meetings for possible consultant work along with more diagnostics testing and paperwork. She also had to work on payroll and find a cleaning service. Then she prepared a marketing survey like the one they’d sent out before they opened the business to investigate possible interest in adult classes. Food held absolutely no appeal for her, so she skipped breakfast and lunch, and when closing time rolled around, she stayed an hour later to tie up some loose ends, despite her fatigue. Her mother fed the kids for her, so all she had to do was … all the rest. She kept her distance from the babies, since now she knew she had some sort of virus or something vile along those lines. She suspected she had a fever, but oh well, too bad, so sad. She had things to do that had to get done, and she was the only one there to do them.
Jake called just after she’d put the kids to bed, and he sounded very worried about her. She’d had to skip story time, because of her sore throat. He told her she needed to go see a doctor, but she put him off, saying she’d try to find the time.
Thankfully, she didn’t have any testing to do the next day, so she tried to isolate herself and her germs from anything else human. She didn’t wish this … whatever it was … on her worst enemy. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so rotten. Maybe never.
Her secretary told her she looked awful the next day, and she figured she did, considering how awful she felt. Diana tried to tell her to go home, but Trish insisted she had work to do that couldn’t wait. She worked through closing time and stayed another hour afterwards again. She had made a dent in her to do list, but she felt too tired and sick to celebrate. She picked up the already fed kids at her mother’s house and went home. Her mother told her to go to the doctor tomorrow, but she explained that she had stuff to do and would try to go the day after.
Jake called and lectured her along the same lines as her mother had earlier that night, but she was too tired to participate in the debate, so she stayed quiet and tried not to fall asleep during the one sided conversation. He finally realized he wasn’t getting through to her and hung up the phone after she promised she wouldn’t do any more work that night and would go to bed early.
Despite her attempt to keep her vow, she didn’t sleep much that night, even though she did make it to bed early. She’d developed a dry, hacking cough that kept her up all night, so sleep never came for more than a few exhausted minutes at a time. When she did lay down, she noticed a weird, gurgling feeling in her chest. Strange.
The next day, she dropped off the kids as usual and went to work. She had Diana reschedule everything on her calendar first thing, because she feared that whatever she had was catching, and she didn’t want to get anyone else sick. She finally relented and called the doctor for an appointment, but they couldn’t get her in until the next morning. Since she’d come to work anyway, she decided to work on a couple of things, but had a hard time focusing. She decided to rest her pounding head for just a few minutes on her desk and fell asleep.
That’s how Jake found her when he arrived at her office later that afternoon. Diana told him she was worried about Trish and that she’d cancelled all of her appointments for the day and had tried to talk her into going home early, but she had refused.
Jake walked behind her desk and gently rubbed her back. She sat straight up, startled and disoriented.
“Hey, honey,”
“Is it Friday?”
Jake smiled and shook his head. “No, Trish, although I’m tempted to run with that story, so it’ll be easier to talk you into staying home from work. I came home early, because I was worried about you. You sounded pretty sick on the phone, and by the looks of you, I’m glad I’m here.”
Trish swallowed painfully and closed her eyes. Jake reached to stroke her cheek and frowned. He touched her forehead, and Trish kept her eyes closed.
“Trish, you’re burning up. Have you taken your temperature lately?”
“Why would I do that? If I know I have a fever, I’ll just feel worse. I’d rather pretend that I don’t.” She covered her mouth as she started coughing again. Jake walked into the hallway to the storage closet and took out the first aid kit, digging inside until he found a thermometer.
“Did you go to the doctor?”
“Not yet, but before you scold me, I tried to, but they couldn’t get me in until tomorrow morning.”
He looked at the digital readout on the thermometer and cursed. He picked up the phone and dialed Josh.
“Hey, it’s Jake. Tell me you have connections in the medical field. I need to find a doctor for Trish. She can’t get in to see anyone until tomorrow, but I don’t want to wait that long. She’s got a fever of one hundred four.” Josh promised to call back shortly, and Jake hung up the phone.
“Honey, are you taking any medicine?”
“Took Nyquil last night and Advil this morning.”
Jake struggled to control the rising f
ear for her that continued to escalate after he’d taken her temperature. “Trish, tell me what’s going on, honey. Where does it hurt?”
Trish rested her elbows on the desk and held her head in hopes that she could keep it from exploding. On second thought, she thought it might be for the best if someone or something put her out of her misery.
“Everything hurts. My head, my throat, all my muscles and joints. I don’t feel very good at all.”
“I guess not with a temperature of one hundred and four. I’m going to tell Diana to clear you for the rest of the week, Trish. You’re in no shape to come to work for awhile.”
“No, Jake. Don’t worry, I’m not going to infect anyone, I just want to stay in back here in my office away from everyone, so I can get caught up.”
“That’s bull shit, Trish. You’re going to the doctor, and then you’re going to bed, and that’s where you’re going to stay.”
“Stop yelling and me. And stop telling me what to do. I’m a big girl.”
“Then, start acting like one. You’re sicker than a dog, and you’re not taking care of yourself. If something happens to you, what will the kids do? They’ve already lost one parent for Christ’s sake. Damn it, honey, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. I’m just worried. Shit, I’m sorry.” He reached for her, and she pushed his hands away and tried to stand up. She managed to get upright, but she felt so dizzy, she had to sit down again. If Jake hadn’t held onto her, she would’ve fallen. He continued to hold onto her shoulders, despite her continuing attempts to push him away. She also continued to cry.
Jake knelt down in front of her to try to calm her down, but the phone rang. It was his brother. He jotted down a couple of notes and hung up the phone.
“Honey, please just listen for a minute, okay? I’m sorry I made you cry. I didn’t mean to, and I apologize. I’m just a little worried about you. Trish, you have a dangerously high fever. Josh has a friend who’s a doctor at Las Palmas. He’s on his way to the emergency room and will meet us there, so he can treat you. You cannot wait until tomorrow, Trish. Now, let’s get your coat on and leave.”
“Jake, the kids … “
“Honey, I’ll take care of everything, but first we need to get you to the doctor. Come on, now, let’s get going.” He reached and took her hand and pulled her up. She swayed again, and he put his arm around her waist and led her to the door. On his way out, he asked Diane to lock up at closing time and cancel all appointments for the rest of the week. He waited for Trish to blast him for it, but she seemed to be concentrating too hard on remaining upright to argue.
Jake put her into his truck and ran around to the other side. She put her head back and remained silent for the whole drive except when she went into coughing fits. By the time they got to the hospital, she had trouble taking deep breaths without having chest pain or severe coughing.
Jake parked his truck and helped Trish inside. He settled her in the waiting room and went to the receptionist and told her the name of the doctor Josh had given him. She assured him she would call him when the doctor arrived. Jake went back and took the seat next to Trish. Her eyes were closed, and she took shallow breaths in an effort to keep from coughing anymore. She looked pale, clammy, shaky, and weak. And she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Overcome with love, he put his arm around her and guided her head to rest on his shoulder. Too sick to resist or argue, she rested against him silently until a nurse came for her. Jake refused to let her go without him, which worked out just as well, since she probably couldn’t have made it on her own.
Dr. Villalobos introduced himself and explained Josh had defended him successfully in a bogus malpractice suit that probably saved his career, so he’d happily come in on his day off to help any friend of Josh’s.
Despite Trish having taken pain killers a couple of hours ago, her fever remained at one hundred and four. The doctor said if it got any higher, she’d have to be hospitalized. And that was just the beginning. After a thorough exam, he determined that Trish had multiple infections in her sinuses, both ears, her throat and her lungs. Further, she had a serious case of walking pneumonia.
The doctor gave her a treatment for her lungs, two shots, one antibiotic and one steroid to ease the inflammation in her lungs, and enough prescriptions to open up her own pharmacy.
“Trish, as your doctor, I have to tell you that if you don’t rest your body, you’re going to end up in the hospital for an extended stay. I’m going to send you home now, but if you don’t rest or if your temp doesn’t drop within twenty four hours, I’ll check you into the hospital, anyway. This is a serious situation that more than likely could’ve been avoided if you would have been healthy to begin with, and I can tell by your current condition that you weren’t getting the right amount of sleep or nutrition. Your body’s worn out, and it couldn’t fight against what should have been a minor problem. What probably started out as a single infection has spread throughout your entire respiratory system and then some.”
“I’ve given you the strongest meds available to jump start your immune system, and I’ve given you samples of everything, so you won’t have to fill the prescriptions until tomorrow, but you have to do your part if they’re going to work. I’ve given you the medical terminology, but let me put it in laymen’s terms. You’ve got single mother workaholic syndrome. Next time you want to skip eating and sleeping, you’d better ask yourself who’s going to take care of your kids if you work yourself till you drop again. As it is, it’ll be a long time before you’re in any kind of shape to go full speed, and your immune system will be weak for the better part of a year, more than likely, although a lot of that will depend on how well you take care of yourself from now on.”
Jake had been holding Trish’s hand throughout the doctor’s speech, but she wouldn’t look at him or the doctor, just kept nodding her head and crying silently. Jake helped her with her coat and sat her at the entrance until he could bring the truck around. She kept her eyes closed the whole drive home, and Jake would’ve thought her asleep if her tears hadn’t continued to fall steadily. He reached over and held her hand.
Poor baby. She was done in physically and emotionally. He’d never seen her look so defeated. She didn’t notice until Jake turned the truck off that he’d brought her to his house.
“The kids …”
“Are with your parents. I’ll go for them after I get you settled.”
“I have to go home, Jake. Trevor has school tomorrow.”
“No, Trish, what you have to do is go to bed. Didn’t you hear what the doctor said? Do you want to have to go to the hospital?”
“No, Jake, I don’t. I’ll try to follow the doctor’s advice as much as possible, but I can’t just put my kids on hold. I know I’ve overdone it, and I know it’s my own fault that I’m where I am now, but no matter what, my kids come first. They’re more important. I’ve messed everything up. Again. God, don’t you think I know that?”
“Honey, I’m not sure what all you’re talking about, but I need you to listen to me for just a few minutes, okay? I’m not going to yell at you again, and I’m sure not going to kick you when you’re down or say I told you so. I just want you to hear what I’m saying, okay?” At her nod, he continued. “I know you’re very independent, and I respect you for it, but everyone on this earth needs help from time to time, no matter how strong or how tough they are, and now is one of those times for you. The only thing I want you to do right now is rest and take care of yourself. I’m asking you to trust me to take care of the rest. Can you do that? I’ll take care of the kids, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll take care of anything else that comes up. You need to concentrate on getting better. Please, honey, let me. Trust me. I won’t let you down.”
Trish looked at him and nodded, and she let him take her into his bedroom, undress her and put on one of his t-shirts, give her all her medicine, and put h
er to bed. Then, he made several phone calls and went to pick up the kids at their grandparents’ house, stopped off at their house, then brought them home with him after telling them they had to be real quiet and let their mother rest, because she was sick.
Trish was vaguely aware of Jake checking on her through the night, taking her temperature and giving her medicine as needed, but mostly she just slept. She didn’t wake up until ten o’clock the next morning when Jake checked her temperature again. When she saw the time, she zeroed in on his face.
In a raspy voice she asked, “The kids?”
“I took Trevor to school this morning as usual and Lex over to your mom’s. She offered to keep the kids with her last night, but they were scared and wanted to see for themselves that you were okay. Your mother will pick up Trev when school lets out as usual. We finished all his homework last night, plus the regular baths, story time, brushing teeth, etc. etc. I stopped by your place on the way home with the kids last night and picked up some clothes.”
“I need to call Diana … “
“I called her last night. She’s cancelled all your appointments for the rest of the week and will open and close for you. I also called Eva and Callie, and they’ll be checking in on things while you’re out and until you get back on your feet.”
“You’re hired.”
Jake smiled down at her. “At least you still have your sense of humor. It’s time for more medicine, and I have a variety of beverages to choose from including Gatorade, several juices, sodas, and more. The doctor said to drink plenty of fluids. I also have about a dozen different kinds of soup for you to choose from if you’re hungry, and Eva’s bringing some homemade Mexican stew guaranteed to cure whatever ails you, according to her grandmother. Can you eat something, honey?”
Trish shook her head. “I just can’t, Jake, but I’ll try to drink some juice.”
“Okay, I’ve got apple, orange, cranberry, and grape. What’s your pleasure?”
“Apple’s good, thanks.”
He left and came back shortly with her juice and helped her sit up to take a sip. She would’ve liked to tell him she could do it by herself, but the truth was she wasn’t so sure she could’ve managed on her own. She’d never felt so weak in her life. When she said she had to go to the restroom, he had to help her stand and walk. She finally drew the line at him helping after that, but he waited outside the door until she came out and helped her back into bed. She drank a little more juice then fell back asleep until late afternoon when Jake woke her up to take more medicine, then drifted back to sleep until nearly six o’clock.
By then, Jake had gone to pick up the kids, and had started fixing dinner. Trish swung her legs over the side of the bed, so she could go to the restroom again, and although she felt pretty sure she could stand, she wasn’t at all sure she could make it all the way to the bathroom and back on her own without falling. As it stood, the room began spinning, and she hadn’t even made it all the way out of bed yet.
“Mommy? Are you okay?”
“Hey, son. I’m just a little sick, but I went to the doctor, and he gave me medicine, so I’ll be feeling better soon. How are you doing, sweetie?” He moved closer to the bed. “Don’t get too close, because I don’t want you to catch what I have, okay?” He nodded solemnly.
“How did school go today?” Trish’s voice came out thin and raspy, but it was the best she could do.
“Okay, I guess.”
“Did you study for your spelling test tomorrow?”
He nodded. “Jake helped me. He also helped me with math and my journal. He’s a pretty good helper. We slept here last night, and we’re gonna sleep here tonight, too, only not in the tent. Jake said we can sleep in the tent on weekends, but not on school nights. Me and Lex been sleepin’ together in one of the other bedrooms. Jake said we could have our own room if we wanted, but we wanted to sleep together, since this isn’t our house and stuff.”
“That’s probably a good idea, son. Are you behaving and watching out for your sister?”
“Yes ma’am. She got kind of scared when we tiptoed in here last night with Jake and you were sleeping. She wanted to sleep with you, but Jake said you had to get well first. He read us a story and everything. He’s doing a pretty good job.”
Trish smiled.
“Hey, you’re awake. Are you hungry?” Jake entered the room and joined them.
“I didn’t wake her up, Jake, she was already awake, I promise.” Trevor looked up at Jake solemnly.
“Okay, buddy. You want to go tell your sister Mom’s awake, so she can come see her?”
“Sure. I’ll be right back.” Trevor left the room in search of his sister.
“How are you feeling, honey?”
“Very light headed. Can you help me make it to the bathroom again, please? I’m afraid I’ll fall.” She leaned on him and took baby steps all the way to the bathroom. Jake waited for her again and was helping her back to bed when the kids came into the room. Both kids’ eyes looked huge as he tucked her into bed.
Lexie’s chin started to tremble, and Trevor put his arm around her. “Momma, are you getting better?”
“Yes, sweetheart, I sure am. Pretty soon, I’ll be as good as new. Don’t worry, baby. Jake’s taking very good care of me, and I’m not going to work for awhile, so I can stay in bed and rest. How was your day?” Trish smiled at her baby girl and encouraged her to tell her about her day.
Apparently accepting her mother’s words as gospel, Lexie told her all about her day from helping her grandmother bake cookies to coloring her mom a picture, so she would feel better soon. Jake left the room, so they could visit, and he went back into the kitchen to finish dinner. By the time he finished, Trish was ready to go back to sleep, but managed to eat a little bit of soup and drink some more juice with her medicine.
Jake swiped her forehead with the thermometer again. “Fever’s down to one hundred two. Still pretty high, but it doesn’t look like you’ll have to be hospitalized, anyway. Are you feeling any better yet, or is it still too soon?” He reached to take her hand.
“My throat’s not as sore, but I’m still real achy and weak. The cough syrup not only keeps me from coughing, it knocks me out. I guess that’s good. I’d love to take a hot bath, but it’ll have to wait for tomorrow. I’m too tired tonight.”
“Tomorrow, then. Do you want me to go get anything from your place for you? Pj’s, a change of clothes, chick stuff?” Jake smiled down at her and stroked his fingers down her cheek.
“You’ll be happy to know that I plan on staying in bed at least until the weekend. Maybe a change of clothes this weekend, but since I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, there’s no rush. Jake, thank you for everything. I don’t know what the kids or I would’ve done without your help.”
“Trish, thank you for letting me help. I love you. It’s my pleasure to watch over you and help you out. It makes me feel good and like I’m important to you.” She teared up again, and he bent to kiss her forehead.
“What about your job, Jake? I don’t want to cause you any problems.”
“My biggest problem right now is getting you well. There’s nothing more important to me than that. I’ll check on you later when I get the kids in bed.” Jake tucked her back into bed and left the room.
Jake fell into a routine with Trevor’s guidance, and Lexie had fallen asleep before he finished story time, leaving only Trevor and Jake.
“Lights out, buddy. You did really well on your spelling practice and math tonight. I bet you get a hundred on your tests tomorrow.” Trevor just looked up at him with eyes so much like his mother’s Jake had to smile. “Everything okay, Trevor? You got something on your mind?”
Trevor nodded.
“Let’s hear it, then. What’s going on?”
The little boy swallowed hard, and finally whispered, “Is my mom going to die?”
That definitely g
ot Jake’s full attention. “No, Trevor, she’s pretty sick, but she’s getting better. No way is she going to die.”
“My dad died.”
“Yeah, I know. But your mom’s going to be just fine. The doctor gave her some really good medicine, and she’ll feel better real soon, honest.”
“Do you promise?”
“A promise is a serious thing, Trevor, and I never promise something that I’m not absolutely sure about. I promise your mom’s going to get better. Her fever is already lower than yesterday.”
“Granddad says the same thing. You should never break your promise. I’m glad you’re here. I’m the man of the house, but I still don’t know how to do some stuff. Like I don’t know how to cook yet.”
“I’m glad I’m here, too, Trevor. I care a lot about you and your sister and your mom.”
“I don’t remember my dad very good. He died when I was little. One day he looked fine, and the next day he died. When I saw you help my mom walk back to bed, it kind of scared me. I thought she might die, too, but I believe your promise now.”
“I’ll let you in on a secret, but you can’t tell anyone, okay?”
“I have to tell my mom, cuz she doesn’t want me to have secrets she doesn’t know. But I won’t tell anyone else.”
“Fair enough. My dad died a long time ago, too. I was older than you at the time, but I still remember how sad I felt. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to picture his face when I think of him. But that’s okay, because when you love someone like we love our dads, even though they might die, our love for them, and their love for us doesn’t die, even when we don’t remember what they look like. Ready for bed now?” Trevor nodded.
Jake stood up and pulled the covers up to Trevor’s neck, tucking him and his sister into bed. Right before he raised himself up again, Trevor wrapped his little arms around his neck and hugged him as hard as he could. Jake hugged him back.
“Thanks for taking care of me and Lex and Mom, Jake. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, buddy. Have sweet dreams. I’m right down the hall if you need me, okay?” Trevor nodded and closed his eyes. Jake turned off the lamp, leaving the night light on, and left the room.
Jake was exhausted. He walked back to his bedroom – which was temporarily on loan to Trish – to check on how she was doing.
“Hey, you’re awake. Let’s check your temperature.” Jake got the thermometer and ran it across Trish’s forehead. “One hundred one, honey. Much better. How about a little bite to eat?”
“You know what I’d really like?”
“Tell me, and it’s yours.”
“What I’d really like is for you to come over here and talk to me for awhile. How about it?” She scooted over and patted the bed beside her. “Unless you’re afraid of my cooties.”
“I’ll take that chance.” Jake lay on top of the bed, and put his arm around Trish’s shoulders and pulled her over to rest her head on his shoulder.
“How do you feel?”
“Pretty lucky. Grateful, too. I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done without you, Jake.”
“Knowing you, you would have found a way to cope. I don’t know how you do it all the time, Trish. I’ve only tagged in the last couple of days, and I’m exhausted. It’s no wonder you got so sick. How do you do it day in and day out?”
“I don’t think about it, Jake. Stuff needs to get done, and there’s nobody else to do it, so I do it. It’s just the way it is.”
“How long has it been that way, Trish? I’m thinking long before Pete died.”
Trish swallowed hard. Time to trust Jake enough to tell him the whole story.
“Jake, Pete had some problems. I told you about his gambling. I was so naïve when I married him. We’d known each other our whole lives. He always had problems with self esteem, wanted to show everyone how successful he was, always wanted the best of everything. We both had decent jobs, but it was never enough for him. Pete insisted on taking care of the bills, and I trusted him to do so. He kept getting promotions at work, and I thought our standard of living had risen accordingly. I was wrong.”
“Pete worked as a financial advisor. I guess playing the stock market is always a gamble to some extent, and maybe that’s how he got started. After awhile, I guess he expanded his interests to include the casinos whenever he traveled for business, the slots, blackjack. It didn’t stop there, though. He bet the horses, and eventually he gambled on line.”
“Little things started to make me wonder about things. The electricity got shut off, and he said it they’d made a mistake. My credit cards weren’t accepted a couple times, and he insisted it was another mistake. Then, one day, I went out to go to work, and discovered one of our cars missing. I went inside to call the police, and Pete took the phone out of my hand and hung it up. He told me he’d sold it and planned on buying something newer and forgot to tell me. He told me that he would carpool until we replaced it. It took another month before I found out he’d lost his job. Shortly after that, we got notice that the bank had started foreclosure steps, and he finally couldn’t blame it on someone else’s mistake. Not that the ugly truth came out then. No, instead he told me he’d lost his job a long time ago, and he hadn’t wanted to upset or worry me.”
“Trying to be the supportive wife, I told him we’d get through it together, yada, yada. Then, I decided to print out our credit report. I can’t even remember how many collection agencies I found listed, and I started calling them. That’s when and how I found out what had really happened.”
“That’s when you filed for divorce?”
“Yes. But that’s not the worst of it.” Trish took another deep breath.
“Honey, you don’t have to tell me any of this.”
“Yeah. I do. I told Pete I’d filed for divorce, and that he needed to find his own place. I’d already started looking for an apartment – there was no way I could afford to buy another house with my credit shot thanks to him. Anyway, Pete begged me not to do it, but I had made up my mind. Aside from the debt and the gambling, the lying made it all worse. It was having to uproot my kids and look for the cheapest, furnished apartment I could find, because our furniture had to be sold along with everything else we owned to pay off some of the debt.”
“Lexie wasn’t even a year old yet. Trevor was just four. I told Pete he could see the kids whenever he wanted, but he couldn’t live with us. Then, he started telling me he couldn’t live without us, that he wished he was dead. At first, I would talk to him and try to calm him down, tell him he needed to move forward, that things would eventually be better, and I tried to talk him into getting counseling.”
“The kids and I were living in a crappy place in a not so great neighborhood, and one day, a guy showed up where I worked and said he came to repossess my car. I told him there must be some mistake, that I owned the car, but he showed me the paperwork on a loan that Pete had taken out on it the previous week. Our divorce wasn’t final yet, and he found a way to get the loan, even though my parents had bought it for me before we got married. I guess the guy felt sorry for me when he saw the two car seats in the back, and I convinced him to give me twenty four hours to come up with the money. I called my parents that night and broke down and borrowed enough to pay off the car and move back to El Paso.”
“Pete came over that night after I put the kids to bed, and I reamed him for the car business, and he tried to lie again. I told him he had to leave and that we were moving back to El Paso. He said … he said he was going to kill himself, that he didn’t have anything to live for. Jake, I … I made him leave. I was so upset about the car, and the situation the kids and I were in because of his choices, and I just wanted him to go. And … he killed himself that night. My God, I sent him away, and he killed himself. I have to live with myself knowing I might have prevented his suicide, that my children lost their father, and I didn’t lift a finger to prevent it
.” Trish couldn’t meet Jake’s eyes, and she’d started to cry. “How am I going to explain that to my kids, Jake? How am I going to tell them that not only did their dad commit suicide, but that it was their mother’s fault?”
Jake held her against him. “Trish, it’s crazy to blame yourself. Listen to me.” He cupped her cheek in his hand and lifted her head, so she’d look at him. “The only actions you can control are your own. You are not responsible for Pete’s actions, Trish. Obviously, he had a whole lot of problems that you could not change or cure. He couldn’t even change or fix himself honey. You and the kids suffered for his choices. You did the only thing you could do to try to salvage things for you and the kids. Thank God they had you – have you.”
“I’ve never told anyone about that night. I’ve lived with the guilt of it all this time. It took me getting this sick to realize that it’s affected everything I do. I work all the time, because I’m trying to make it all up to Lexie and Trevor. I don’t trust anyone, because the last person I trusted turned my world upside down. I came back here for a fresh start, and I just realized I’m still stuck in the same place as when I was married to Pete and living in Dallas. I’ve been trying to make things up to my kids, and instead I’ve compromised their security all over again.”
“Shhh. I’m going to say this one more time, Trish, so listen up. You have not compromised your kids’ security. You’ve done everything in your power to keep them safe and well adjusted, and you’ve done a great job. You’re not responsible for Pete’s actions or choices. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but as far as I’m concerned, Pete was a selfish, self-centered jerk who never deserved you or those kids, and I wish to hell you wouldn’t waste any more tears on him. He doesn’t deserve it. As far as what you’re going to tell the kids, I have every confidence that when the time comes, you’ll know what to say. Just like you always do.”
“I know I can trust you, Jake, and I’m going to try to be better at this whole relationship thing. You’ve been so patient. Don’t give up on me, okay?” Trish hugged him hard around his waist.
“Not likely, honey. I told you, I love you. I’ll be patient, don’t you worry. I’m hoping in time, you won’t find it so difficult to ask me to help you sometimes. I like that you’re independent, but it makes me feel good to help you. Besides, I have a hidden agenda.”
“You do? And what would that be?”
“I don’t want you to need me because you have to. I want you to need me because you choose to. There’s a big difference. Plus, I figure if I can wiggle my way into your life deeply enough, you won’t kick me to the curb.”
Trish smiled up at him. “You’ve given me no reason to kick you to the curb, Jake. Quite the contrary. You’ve done nothing but make me want to keep you around.”
“Now see there? My plan is working.” He bent down and kissed her gently. “Although your lips are always hot to kiss, your fever is still there making them hotter. You need to go to sleep and catch up on more rest, so you get well real soon. Then we’ll discuss how you can best repay me for playing Mr. Mom. Deal?”
“You got it.”