Chapter 22
Jennifer just stood in the parking lot for some time, trying to figure out what to do. She took a deep breath. It was a labored breath like after a run. She was worn out by emotion. Jennifer looked up to the sky and then down to the ground. As she did this she noticed her hands were wrenching her keys entirely of their own accord. A thousand different thoughts and feelings were rushing through her but the only part of her taking any action was her hands. Her feet were set in concrete, her legs felt stiff, her shoulders and neck ached, her eyes burned and her ears were ringing just a little.
After several moments Jennifer finally looked up from the ground and spotted her car at the back of the parking lot. It was as if she was surprised to see it there. She found her feet moving towards it and let her mind follow. As she got closer and closer to her car, her head cleared a bit.
Jennifer began thinking about how such a fine day could end so poorly. She remembered how good she felt getting up this morning and how lunch was great and the cheer she had on the drive home, the possibility of bumping into David in the courtyard as they seem to do most days. She thinks he did it on purpose because he likes her. She felt a lump in her throat.
As Jennifer approached the back of her car she felt a churning in her stomach and that's when the tears started flowing. She leaned on the trunk lid of her car and sobbed for a while. It's ok, just let it out you'll feel better, she thought. But even after she composed herself and slowed her tears she didn't feel better. This was obviously something that would take more than a few minutes to resolve.
As her hands were already well aware of her keys, she thought it best to follow their lead. She used the car key to get in her car and go for a drive; a long drive, on the outskirts of town ? maybe.
Jennifer turned the radio on low trying to relax. Soft and slow classical music was often her taste in the evening, and under the circumstances it suited the moment well. Jennifer found herself driving far under the posted speed limit. Her low energy level and tiresome feelings seemed to radiate into her car. She just couldn't summon the energy to make the car go faster than her.
Rolling the window down Jennifer took a deep breath and attempted to let the evening air sweep her to a new place. As she crossed through town Jennifer had no sense of her direction. Where am I going, she thought? I'll just drive; drive my troubles away. I'm not running from them I'm just giving myself a break from them. She thought about how difficult it would be to walk back through the courtyard. How awkward it would be the next time she saw David. Fear welled up in her when she thought about how rude Amy would be the next time she saw her. How Amy would probably be gloating and all. Jennifer didn't know Amy very well, but she could tell she was the kind of person that would gloat. The feeling of fear she had for Amy really made Jennifer feel worse. She thought, fear is exactly what someone like Amy would want, and I've just provided it to her. Damn it to hell! Jennifer noticed her hands at work again, this time wrenching the steering wheel as she drove. Her hands seemed to have a mind of their own; carrying out angry and vengeful movements that sweet Jennifer would never. But ? her hands knew what was going on in her mind, didn't they?
Now Jennifer found herself outside of Owensboro, past the outskirts of town even. She saw a turn up ahead that appeared to be an old back road; a dirt road. Back to nature, she thought. I'll just find some solace in the country for a while; away from people, away from town, away from The Villa, away from all these ? these ? things.
After driving for several miles down the dirty road she noticed her eyes stopped burning. She felt her shoulders loosen a bit and began to enjoy the country air coming in from the window. Far different than the air in town, she thought; better, cleaner, more ? earthy.
Jennifer pulled to a stop beside an empty field; empty except for one large tree almost right in the middle. She turned the key off and got out. As she slid through the barbed wire fence she was careful not to snag her work clothes. It was warm and while the sun was going down there was still plenty of light; plenty for at least an hour more she thought. Approaching the tree Jennifer just plopped down in the grass and looked up at the clouds; taking deep breaths as she laid back and rested her head on the ground. Jennifer only thought for a second about getting her nice work clothes dirty or even ruining them. She felt her sanity was more important than her clothes.
As Jennifer watched the clouds go by against the blue Kentucky sky she thought she was being a bit silly really. Overacting, she thought. That's really what I'm doing here. I mean sure, I had high hopes for David and I, but we've only had one date right? She was trying to convince herself there was a way out of this; a way out of not feeling so bad about it. There really wasn't.
Jennifer pondered on. Well I may not have known David very long but that doesn't diminish my feelings for him. Feelings I can't deny. I was so sure he had them too. I was absolutely positive. How could I be so wrong? Jennifer watched a grasshopper land on her knee and didn't bother to brush it away. As she watched the insect fiddle with its front legs as grasshoppers do, she thought about what other bugs or animals might be around here. Snakes? Maybe, she thought, but then let it go.
Jennifer thought to herself about how wonderful this setting would be if she had driven out here simply to relax. She thought about how most people think about coming to a field like this and lying back in the grass, staring at the clouds and such, to relax; but they seldom do. Do they? No, she thought, people seem to only make trips like this when they need comforting or just a quick getaway; kind of a shame really. Jennifer sat up and picked a blade of grass just as the grasshopper decided to move on from her knee. Yet another friend leaving me, she thought. Jennifer was feeling quite sorry for herself.
As she fidgeted with the blade of grass she allowed herself to move back to the moment she saw David and Amy kissing in the courtyard. She hoped she could summon a more objective view and opinion of the situation from her new thinkin' spot.
I'm certain he was kissing her. I mean he seemed really into it. Wait let me start from the beginning. Jennifer wanted to keep the remembrance solely based on fact and not emotion. Ok ? I walked into the courtyard about the same time as any other day. On most any other day David would have been there to say hello. He must have known I would see him there with that Amy girl! Ok calm down Jennifer ? calm.
I was only about a step in when I saw them kissing. He was all at her. They had their feet in the pool, but he still had his work clothes on; shoes and socks sitting beside those two beers. I doubt David drinks that much. I guess the thing that really caught my eye was where her hand was. Seems strange she would be making that move right out for everyone to see. Strange even for a girl ? like ? like Amy. Hmm. Jennifer took a moment to plop back down in the grass to rest her head. As she saw a cloud go by that she could somewhat say looked like a pig, an overly round pig anyway; she opened her mind to try to remember more details of the situation.
There was something a little off about the encounter though. Jennifer was trying to pin down an awkwardness she had felt deep down between David and Amy at the pools edge. What was it, Jennifer thought? Wait a minute ? I know! Amy had her eyes wide open ? no not just wide open ? her eyes were open and looking around ? no not looking around, they working looking right at me. She was looking right at me. What does that mean? It was almost as if she expected to see me. As if she was waiting and wanting me to see the kiss she was having with David. Could that be it?
Now that Jennifer objectively thought through the scene by the pool she allowed her emotions to enter the picture again. She may have figured out that Amy was staring at her for a reason, but that didn't change her feelings about the situation.
As most people tend to do, Jennifer had thought through, many times, the fairytale type atmosphere that would exist when she met that special someone. She planned on it being much like her feelings she had with David. However, as with
most, she had zero plans in regards to obstacles or difficulties. Young folks especially tend to think you meet that special someone, fall in love, ride off into the sunset, and that sunset is a never ending moment with the feelings frozen in time.
I can tell you from experience being married to Elizabeth (and she would say the same in reverse I'm sure) that is not the case. A relationship is hard. I don't just mean marriage is hard, even the relationship before the marriage is hard. It takes work ya'll. I'm sure you know that; or will certainly find out along the way, but trust me here, having a relationship tests all your will and pride. Now you've got to let that pride go first thing. It's one of those seven deadly's anyways so it's best to be set aside. But your will ? if you don't have a strong will to make it work at all costs then you can be sure it won't.
I guess the hardest part for me in my relationship and marriage with Elizabeth has been totally giving myself up. That's right. I had to cease to exist. When two become one, those individuals that were two have to completely change. I mean completely. It was hard for me, as I've always been a bit selfish, even now really and even more than a bit I'd say. What I'm trying to get at is that all your dreams and wishes and hopes and fears and hatreds and loves have to be put to the side. If either partner decides not to do this, well ? then it won't work out. Simple as that. It's like a football team taking on a new coach. Even if all the players stay the same, do you think the team will be even remotely the same? Nope. I like to try to explain difficult stuff away with sports analogies ? it usually doesn't work though.
If I had to say what was hardest for Elizabeth, I'd have to say I really don't know. She seemed to acclimate better to marriage. She's more easy going. She's a rock. Putting up with me might be the hardest part. That is to say she has less of an internal struggle to change than I do. Not to say that she doesn't have her quirks though. She's pretty incessant about putting the toilet lid down and squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube; but other than those little things she seems well suited to marriage. Maybe some people are better at relations with others; like more social people? And ? maybe women are better at it, as they seem to be more social; that is generally speaking when compared to men? When I figure all this out I'll let you know.
Now where was I ? oh yah, Jennifer was letting her emotions rush back in. She got up from the ground and as she did she felt the sorrow fly away like a bird. What came in as a replacement was a strong feeling of anger. She clenched her fists and started walking across the field away from her car. She wasn't sure where she was going but the fence on the other side of the field seemed like a good place to stop. As she approached the fence she reached out her right hand and placed it on the barbwire. She squeezed it hard and then felt lucky to have grasped a spot between two barbs. With no damage done she still looked at her palm and even though she saw no harm, she almost wished she had. Why? Anger sure is a strange beast to tame, she thought. I'll stop this now. Jennifer felt a little ashamed about her childish behavior.
As Jennifer spun around and looked at her car in the distance she noticed it was beginning to get quite dark. Still enough time to make it back to the tree but the remainder of the stroll will likely be in pitch black. Oh well, she thought, an adventure. As she passed the tree she reached out and touched it as if patting a dog goodbye. The tree wagged its many tails in the wind.
Jennifer made it back to her car in the dark, and even managed to save her clothes from ruin by being extra careful climbing through the fence again. Getting in the car she felt a myriad of emotions washing over her. The emotion that won out though was still anger, or was it sadness laced with frustration; Jennifer couldn't put her finger on it at the moment.
As she pulled away from the field and turned the car around to turn back to the main road Jennifer spun her tires, letting her car act out some of her feelings. This, and she was simply in a hurry; why she could not tell.
The drive home seemed much shorter than the drive out, and not due to speed as she slowed down once she moved off the dirt road. It was as if some of the weight had been lifted off of her; possibly left in that field. She thought hard about going back there someday for a picnic, to meet her old friend, the tree, under nicer circumstances. Jennifer thought it a shame to know of such a pleasant place and not utilize it under happy times, not just for sobbing and such.
As Jennifer approached The Villa she began feeling nervous, but this went away when she reached the courtyard and there was no one there. Good, she thought, I'm in no mood for meet and greets or chit chat or small talk or anything period. Off she went to her apartment with a long sigh as she closed and locked the door behind her. Alone time, I need alone time.
Now over the next several days, and beyond really, Jennifer carried with her some sadness and a small chip on her shoulder. Being none too happy about things she did not wish to be around anyone. Even work was a chore, although she maintained her cordial and professional behavior as always. At home was a different story. Jennifer rarely smiled, she didn't answer her phone, she didn't go about with the same pleasant demeanor as usual. Who could blame her I guess?
On one occasion, in the grocery store, she was approached in the produce section by a nice young fella'. He was polite and all, though seeming a little nervous, as he attempted to strike up a conversation with Jennifer. He obviously had an interest in her and one could tell he was paving the road to a date invitation. Jennifer would have none of it though ?
"Do I know you," Jennifer asked while putting down the cantaloupe she'd been carefully assessing?
"Well not yet, but I just thought ?," Jennifer interrupted the young man.
"Do I look like I'm open to strangers approaching me when I'm busy," Jennifer had placed her hands on her hips and took up a wide aggressive stance.
"Well I ? I just ? I saw you over here and I thought ?" again Jennifer interrupted.
"Well with all due respect, I'm not interested ? thank you," authoritative doesn't begin to describe Jennifer's tone. She wasn't loud or excessively mean, just bland and unfeeling.
"Uh ? a ? O ? Ok," the young man slinked off down an aisle with his tale between his legs.
Jennifer went back to assessing fruit; she likes the perfect specimen. Later she felt quite bad about her lack of social graces with the young man. It was not like her. She so values politeness and appropriate behavior. There was no call for what she did. Even though she was genuinely not interested, she could have handled it far better. She thought about how that young man must have felt; about how he probably still feels about that embarrassing moment. Jennifer kicked herself; figuratively that is.
On another occasion, while working at the library reference desk, she noticed Frank Whitney (Dr. Frank Whitney, Ph.D. tenured Professor that is) browsing the book aisles with no noticeable direction or hurry. He seemed to just be passing the time, or maybe letting fate choose his next read.
Now under normal circumstances Jennifer would be social, you know go out and say hello to someone she has even a small acquaintance with, such as Frank. But ? under the circumstances Jennifer decides not to go talk to Frank, she ignores him, and feels even worse about that than she did with the young man in the grocery store. She feels she must snap out of it soon, but not just yet.