And how had I repaid him? I’d slept with his best friend.
There went my sister of the year award.
With a little whimper of guilt, I squeezed my eyes closed and rubbed a hand over my aching forehead. I was so conflicted about last night. I think I was every contradiction in the book. Ashamed and yet thrilled. Scared I’d be discovered, but then totally comforted to know how good it felt to be held in Oren’s arms. Satiated by everything he’d given me last night, while hungry for more. Anxious to see him again, but totally horrified by the same idea. Guilty and elated, depressed but ecstatic, wide-awake yet exhausted by my whirling thoughts.
Knowing I could lie here all day and worry myself into a freaking panic attack, I threw off my covers and climbed out of bed. The first three months I’d been here, I’d been a hollow shell. I hadn’t left my room unless I was forced to, and that had been miserable. It hadn’t been until I’d started college and met Zoey, and Reese, and Eva and just all of Noel’s crew that I’d really started to live again. But I remembered what it felt like to want to burrow under my covers every day, all day, and just wilt away.
That was the main reason I wasn’t going to stay in bed and think about what I’d done.
I’d already done it, anyway. There were no take backs now.
But as I took a shower and rubbed soap over me, my tender body just wouldn’t allow me to let it go. I would never forget it. My breasts pebbled and my core swelled with lust.
I wasn’t big on masturbation. I thought Sander’s dumping me had killed everything sex-related in my life. It wasn’t until Oren’s presence slowly made me awaken to my desires that I’d ever touched myself in the first place...months and months ago. And the only time I ever did was when I thought of him. Like I was now. Except now I knew what it felt like to really be with him.
Oh God. How could he turn me so wanton? I’d never felt needs this strongly before he’d come along. I kind of liked it, but then it also scared me. What if I turned into my mother who ignored her own children in favor of finding the next dick to fill her? What if—
Damn it. Liking sex with one guy did not make me my mother. Touching myself in the shower did not make me my mother.
I pressed my back against the shower wall and rubbed myself with one hand as I pinched an inflamed nipple with the other. Water streamed over me and I pretended it was his hands, touching me everywhere. Just when my thighs trembled and my pussy clenched, preparing to come hard, a pounding fist on the bathroom door obliterated my ecstasy.
“Jesus Christ, Caroline! How long are you going to be? I gotta take a shit.”
“Damn it, Brandt,” I yelled back. “I’m almost done.” Or more accurately, I wasn’t going to finish at all now. Little butt licker had killed a perfectly good moment. “Grr.” I rinsed and snapped off the water.
There were three bedrooms and two baths in this house, but sometimes, I still felt as cramped as we’d been at the trailer park back home. Finding a better-paying job and moving out on my own was looking better and better each day. Noel would freak and fight me the entire way—he was still overprotective and worried about me—but he was no longer my legal guardian, so I guess I didn’t need his approval.
I just wanted it.
After totally disappointing him last year, I still craved his absolute love and acceptance of me.
More impatient knocking came as I wrapped a towel around my breasts.
“I really, really gotta go,” my fourteen-year-old brother whined.
With a sigh, I slung my hair up in a towel turban and then yanked the door open to glare out at my brother who—ack, was taller than me now. When the hell had he grown so much?
He glared right back.
I arched an eyebrow and waited for him to step out of my way so I could exit and let him in. “Why couldn’t you use Noel and Aspen’s bathroom if you had to go that bad?” They had a private bath connected to their bedroom, and it was like ten times nicer than this one.
“Because Aspen’s already in there.” Brandt knocked me aside as he bulldozed inside.
I huffed out an indignant breath and stepped into the hall, shutting the door behind me because I had a feeling he wasn’t going to wait for me to leave before he started his business. Disgusting, I know. Made me wish for the bajillionth time that I had three sisters instead of three brothers.
After I retreated to my room to change into clothes for the day and brush my hair dry, I made my way toward the kitchen, where Aspen was up and fixing breakfast. I stopped in the doorway and watched her, realizing I actually did have a sister now, didn’t I?
She was nothing like Noel; I wasn’t even sure how they found a reason to hook up in the first place, but you could tell from the intensity of their love when they were together, none of that mattered. So, to each their own, I guess.
I was just glad Noel had fallen for and managed to keep her, because she was an absolute godsend. She’d taken all four of us Gamble siblings into her home and let us crowd into everything until we’d completely rearranged her entire life. And she seemed freaking thankful about it, like she was actually pleased to have us ruin all her neat, orderly plans.
As if sensing my presence, she glanced over her shoulder and jumped. “Oh! Good morning, Caroline.” She sent me the sweetest smile as she carried a pitcher of juice to the table. “Breakfast is almost ready.”
When two halves of a bagel popped up from the toaster, I moved toward it to spread on some of Colton’s favorite strawberry cream cheese.
“Thanks,” Aspen said. “You didn’t have to do that.”
I tucked a piece of damp hair behind my ear and shrugged. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.” Honestly, I wanted to feel more useful than I usually did around here.
A year ago, I’d taken care of most of Colton’s and Brandt’s needs. Back home, I’d been the one to feed them, wash their clothes, make sure they took baths, and purchase all their necessities. But as soon as we’d moved here, Aspen had seamlessly taken over all those duties. I hadn’t been in any shape at the time to do them myself, so I hadn’t balked. And because of it, I’d backslid so much in the last year, I think I’d actually become less independent than I’d ever been.
I know that was crazy, but it just highlighted how much of a mess I was.
Still feeling awkward about doing kitchen stuff while Aspen was there too, I scraped on the cream cheese as fast as I could and carried the bagels to the table where Aspen already had everything set out for four people. I glanced at the empty spot where Noel usually sat. No plate or cup or silverware lay in his spot, which told me exactly where he was.
“Is Noel at the coffee shop again with—”
“The guys,” Aspen finished for me with a smile and roll of her eyes. “I don’t know why he feels as if he has to go there to work on his English assignments. It’s not like I stand over his shoulder and correct his grammar or anything.”
I snickered, because that’s almost exactly what she’d done this year every time Brandt or Colton or I had worked on anything involving English homework. But we younger Gambles had actually appreciated it and gotten awesome scores because of it. And Aspen really did thrive on sharing her knowledge on the subject. So it was a win-win for all of us. Noel was the only stubborn ass who didn’t want any involvement from her. I think that hurt her feelings as much as it tickled her. She knew how much he wanted to impress her with his own work.
Seating myself in my spot at the table, I chewed on my lip, still eyeing Noel’s vacant place. It felt weird knowing he was with Oren right now. What if Oren— Oh God. Of course Oren would tell him about last night. Oren was exactly the kiss-and-share-with-everyone type.
Fudge nuggets. My own brother was going to know every kinky, delicious thing I’d done. If Oren told him about the hair pulling, I was going to absolutely die. Why hadn’t I thought about this possibility until just now?
Probably because I’d been too worried about getting my first taste of Oren Tenning. Nothing else had
mattered. Not my pride, my common sense, my sanity, my brother. Nothing.
There was no way Oren could find out who I was now. This was so freaking embarrassing. And I had no one to blame but myself.
“Aspen! Aspen,” Brandt hollered, dashing into the kitchen with the morning’s newspaper rolled up and tucked under his arm. He skidded to a halt in front of her in his socks as he lifted and waved the newspaper roll. “You’ll never guess what?”
“What? Are you okay? Where’s Colton?”
“He’s fine. We’re all fine. This is...something totally different.” Brandt shooed away her concerns before he flicked off the rubber band holding the newspaper together and opened it across the top of the table and right over my breakfast plate. “Sarah just texted me with the news.”
“What news?” I asked, curious to know what he was babbling about.
Aspen, on the other hand, must not have a curious bone in her body. She gave a soft smile and sat one hand on his shoulder and the other on her heart. “You know, I think it’s so amazing that you’ve befriended Mason’s little sister.”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Totally distracted, the fourteen-year-old waved her quiet. “Check this out.” He flipped pages until he came to a listing of obituaries. Then he paused and pointed. “There. That guy.”
Aspen and I leaned in. “Roger Martin Rowan?” Aspen read slowly, her eyebrows pinching in confusion. When she glanced at me, I shook my head, letting her know I had no idea who he was either.
“Yes!” Brandt announced proudly, his grin spreading from ear to ear. “He’s dead.”
“Umm...” Aspen blinked and glanced at me again. I shrugged, still clueless why it was such good news to see someone dead.
I arched my brother a dry look. “Yeah, we kind of got that part...because of the whole obituary thing.”
“He was an English teacher at Ellamore High School,” Brandt said, rolling his eyes as if that was obvious to us, which it might’ve been if we’d actually read his obituary. But we hadn’t. “Sarah said she was scheduled to take his class next year when she pre-enrolled for high school.”
Aspen cooed sympathetically. “Oh, no. Did she know him well? Poor Sarah.”
Brandt’s shoulders slumped. He sighed and shook his head. “She’d never met the guy before in her life. That’s not the point.”
“Then what’s the point?” I demanded, tired of him not getting to one already.
“The point is that they’re going to need a new fucking English teacher there next year.”
“Brandt.” Aspen instantly frowned. “Language, please. I know your older brother curses all the time, but you can’t just go around talking like that in...” Her scolding trailed off as his words seemed to finally take root in her brain. “Wait. Did you just say—” She snagged the paper and brought it closer to her face to read Roger Martin Rowan’s obituary in more detail. “Oh my God,” she murmured, lifting her gaze from the printed words. “There’s going to be a new opening for an English teacher at the Ellamore High School next year. There’s going to be an opening for an English teacher!”
The paper went flying as she literally jumped up and down. I’d never seen her hop before. It was kind of strange but really amusing. Then she snagged Brandt and hugged him into a happy circle. After that, she pulled me from my chair to envelop me into her excited arms.
“I’m going to get this job,” she declared, looking so certain and jubilated that I felt my own excitement rising for her. “I have to get this job. It’s like...I think it was meant to be. Oh my God. I feel so awful. But I’ve never been so happy to see someone die before.” Tears began to stream down her face. I’m not sure if they were from guilt, excitement, jittery nerves or maybe a mixture of all three.
Clearly overwhelmed, she babbled and sobbed some more. “I need to...I need to update my resume. Oh my God. I don’t even know what I did with my interview suit. Excuse me. I should...”
“Go.” I laughingly waved her from the room, and she followed my instruction without hesitation.
Brandt and I grinned at each other, and all the irritation I’d felt at him for killing my shower orgasm melted away. I kind of wanted to give him a hug for making Aspen so happy.
“So, what’re the chances that she’ll actually get the job?” he asked.
I scowled because he suddenly sounded too serious. “Oh, she’ll get it. She’s like overqualified. She has to get it.”
He moved in close, not only serious now, but worried-looking. “Yeah, but what if they’ve heard some of the rumors about her and Noel?”
I straightened, shocked senseless by the question. “You know about that?” I had no idea he knew about that.
With a snort, he rolled his eyes. “I’m fourteen, not stupid. Of course I know she was fired because of him. I was there when her old boss came to his hospital room after he broke his collarbone and threatened to expose them. Remember?”
“Yeah, but...” I sighed. He was right; he was fourteen, not a little kid anymore. Shit yeah, he understood what was going on, and he knew exactly how much trouble dating a student had gotten Aspen into.
“Well, even if they do somehow, miraculously catch wind of it, maybe it won’t be such a big deal since she ended up marrying the student she had an affair with. Besides, they were both legal adults, and...and it had been at the college level. I mean, come on. Surely they’d know she wouldn’t do anything like that with a piddly high school kid.”
“Hey.” He lifted his hands in offense. “I’m going to be one of those piddly high school kids, thank you very much.”
“Exactly,” I said. When he punched me lightly in the arm, I laughed. “Honestly, if they don’t hire her...then we’ll just have to kill off another English teacher somewhere else to get her another opening.”
Aspen was a Gamble now, and we Gambles looked after our own...at least this generation of Gambles did. We weren’t above stooping to devious measures to get what we wanted, either. We wouldn’t honestly commit murder for Aspen, no, but we did appreciate the power of a good lie.
After all, one well-placed lie had gotten “Kelly” away from Oren’s bedroom last night so I could take her place.
I swallowed nervously, letting my mind wander back to him. I wondered what he thought of his Kelly impersonator. I wondered—
“Oh, yeah. I like the way you think.” Brandt’s voice snapped me back to the present. Holding a fist up for me to bump, he nodded his approval. “I’ll come up with a way to take out the next teacher...if we have to.”
I clashed my knuckles with his. “Just don’t make it too bloody.” He knew I had an aversion to blood.
He laughed and started talking about different poisons and ways to “accidentally” electrocute someone. I shook my head, wondering how boys got into such gory things so much. I’d grown up around it, so I was used to it by now, but still. I could never think up some of the strange shit that had at one time or another entered all three of my brothers’ heads.
Brandt and I were halfway through our breakfast when Colton finally stumbled into the room, rubbing his bleary eyes and yawning.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” I called to the nine-year-old.
I was continually stunned by how much he’d grown in the last year. He’d been a frail waif of a thing back home, and he’d gotten sick a lot. I’d been worried about him making it to ten. But ever since we’d moved here, he’d bloomed. Under Aspen’s guiding influence, he’d become so healthy and happy, I started to think he might end up being the biggest Gamble brother of the three.
Which just went to show how awful I’d been about taking care of him. And Brandt too. Brandt hadn’t gotten one black eye from being in a fight since we’d come here, whereas he’d gotten in them constantly back home. I must’ve had the worst motherly instincts ever to let the three of us fall to such depths.
Noel liked to reassure me and tell me that I’d done a fine job, that compared to our mother, I’d been amazing. But the truth remained, he was so m
uch better at being a caretaker than I’d ever been.
That was another reason I wanted to impress my big brother. I’d felt as if I’d failed him. If only I’d taken better care of Brandt and Colton, he wouldn’t have had to rearrange his entire life to scoop us up and move us to Ellamore with him.
As much as I blamed myself for that, Colton didn’t seem to hold it against me, though. After glancing around, probably looking for Aspen—his first love—he padded over to me and crawled into my lap. He was getting way too big for me, but I didn’t care. I curled my arms around him and cuddled him close as I slid his waiting bagel and favorite strawberry cream cheese over to sit before us.
“I had a nightmare last night,” Colton told me, his voice accusing. “But you weren’t in your room.”
It was both a headache and flattering that he came to me in the middle of the night when he had a bad dream. While Brandt, who shared a room with him, might adamantly refuse to let his younger brother crawl into his bed with him, I’m sure Aspen wouldn’t have kicked him out if he’d gone to her. But he always sought me. Probably because he was still a bit intimidated around Noel, and Aspen slept beside Noel. Still...I liked knowing he continued to need me in some capacity, even though letting him hog my bed, because he usually slept right against me with an arm or leg draped over me, was never comfortable.
Across the table, Brandt lifted his eyebrows. “Oooh, big sister wasn’t home late last night? Where’d you go, huh, Caroline?”
I rolled my eyes and commanded myself not to blush. “I went out with Zoey to listen to the band at the club. Duh.” And then I’d turned into a devious, dirty slut who’d hooked up with Noel’s best friend.
Yeesh.
I cringed, and all-too-smart Brandt seemed to realize I wasn’t telling the entire truth.
“Mmm hmm,” he murmured as if he knew better. “Whatever.”
I made a face at him and then smoothed Colton’s hair across his forehead before kissing his temple. “What’d you dream about, honey bear?”
“Mama.” His soft confession had both Brandt and me sitting up straighter. Brandt even stopped chewing. “She showed up and took us away from here.” Colton shuddered and tucked his face against my chest. I tightened my arms around him and nearly dropped a tear or two. But it didn’t pass my notice that my own brother was terrified of our mother. It’d been just as long since he’d seen her as it had been for me, but I guess the fear of being forced to move back there still clung to him.