Chapter Fourteen
Logan was on his way to pick up Helen for dance lessons. He was still very confused about how excited he was to see her. Logan was also looking forward to his appointment with the pastor so he could get some advice on how to treat Helen. Logan loved her. He wanted to be near her, but he did not want to hurt her. He was afraid with the fast pace he might do just that. Logan turned onto Helen’s street. Seeing a movement, his eyes narrowed as he looked into the darkness. It looked like a glow was coming from the wooded area across from Helen’s house. He looked harder but couldn’t see the glow he thought he had seen. Could his eyes be playing tricks on him? He continued down the street and pulled into her driveway thinking that was the case. Getting out of his car, he smiled in anticipation of their morning prayer.
Helen heard the knock on the door. Peeking out the window, she saw Logan. Going to the door, Helen opened it with a smile. “Hi.” she greeted a bit breathless as he walked by her into the house.
He turned and watched her shut and lock up the door. “Hi.” he knew he should have waited, but she was wearing a yellow shirt that brought out the blue in her eyes. He put his hands on either side of her on the door and then leaned down and kissed her. He did not deepen the kiss like he had last night. He kept it gentle and pure. He loved this girl and wanted to love her in the way he knew God would want.
Helen smiled as he whispered his greeting to her. She loved the way he was so gentle with her. She did not mind what happened last night either but knew if they did that again they could end up doing things they would later regret. Her heart danced as she thought about how much she loved him. When she realized what she had just thought, she smiled.
“Care to share?” Logan asked looking down at her. Her eyes were saying it all, but he was wondering if she would say it.
Helen started to cough. Logan began to laugh. “We need to pray.” she ducked under his arm and headed for the sofa. She stopped in her tracks when she heard his confession.
“I love you, Helen. I know it is fast. I have weighed everything to make sure that this was what I was feeling. It is. I love you.” The words were spoken softly and gently. They were spoken with confidence.
Helen turned and looked into his eyes. She walked back to him and took his hand. Helen was scared. She did not want to be harmed, but she had to admit what was in her heart too. Helen did not want to hurt him by holding anything back. “It did happen so fast.” she whispered. “I am not sure when it happened either. It just did. I have tried to put every label on it I could, but the only one that makes sense is that I love you too.” Tears were evident in her eyes as she said it again “I am in love with you Logan. I’m afraid of it and happy about it all at the same time.”
He gently pulled her into his arms. They did not kiss. They just held on to each other. As beautiful as this was for them, what Helen said was also true. It was also scary. They had worked through things so quickly that typically would have taken longer due to the dance lessons. What may have taken months was only taking days. That fact alone brought them pause. It was also the thing that brought them closer together. It did not change what they each knew, though. They were in love, and it felt right even if it also felt scary.
Logan led her to the sofa. They sat down, and Logan started his prayer, “God, Father, Abba we come to You with us. The things we have come to realize between us are happening so fast that it has given us pause. If this is Your time, we ask that You walk us through this. We pray that Your hand keeps us from doing things that we would later regret. We both love You, and I’m asking this in your Son’s name. In the name of Jesus, be with us, guide us, and love us. Amen.”
Helen smiled as she prayed “Jesus, thank You for Logan. I never dreamed that a man who loved You would capture my heart. Thank You for what You are going to do for us as a couple. I love You so much. Help me to trust You that much too. This love snuck up fast, and I am afraid of it as much as I am enjoying it. Help me to find peace. I love You, Jesus. Amen.”
Logan felt his heart swell as she said that sweet prayer that was so pure, so simple, and so honest with her Savior. Her love for Christ drew him. Her smile enchanted him. Her beauty glowed from the inside out. His former life had been for nothing. He had found Love. He had also found love.
Helen stood when Logan did. She walked over and grabbed her backpack. She had class later that day, but it was a late afternoon class. Helen had made plans to meet Jen at the church. While she was thinking about it, Helen made Logan aware of her plans. “My classes start later today. I know we were going to try to work extra, but would it be ok if we quit at the same time we did yesterday?”
“That actually would be perfect. I forgot about you having a late start and made plans.”
“Will your plans take you close to the church?” Helen asked as she opened the door. She looked back. Logan was looking at her funny. “Logan, are you ok?”
Logan tried not to think the worst of Pastor Jeff, but why would Helen ask about the church? He answered carefully and gauged her reaction. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to the church.” He was surprised to see Helen’s eyes widen in surprise.
Helen looked strange now “Can I ask why?”
“I have a meeting with Pastor Jeff.” he continued to watch her. He could see that she was trying to figure something out. “What is it Helen?” he questioned.
She took a deep breath and answered “I have a meeting with Jen. I called her last night. I just need to talk to another woman about things.” she looked at Logan worried. “I just can’t speak to my mom yet about the stuff I’m dealing with from my past.”
“I called Pastor Jeff last night too. I am in the same boat. I have things that I need to sound off on. I also know that the person I talk to needs to be a Christian man. Pastor Jeff is the only one I know and feel comfortable with. Helen, I’m not mad. I was a bit upset thinking the pastor had called you.”
“Oh, he would never do that.” she chuckled then “I wonder if the pastor and Jen told each other. I bet they both were surprised getting a call from us on the same night.”
Logan did kind of wonder about that. He was sure they were not disrespectful but even he saw the humor in it. “Wait until they see us walk in together.”
He opened the car door for Helen, and she got in. Helen giggled “That really could be awkward. They have no idea how close we are.”
Logan got into the driver’s side and started the car. “Well, it may help if we give them permission to compare notes. What do you think of that?”
“Can I pray about that first?” Helen asked softly. The thought of Pastor Jeff knowing what happened was intimidating.
Logan heard the pain in her voice. “Praying is always a good thing.” He was aware that she needed a break. As he pulled up to the studio, he said with a grin. “I guess it is time to get our work faces on.”
Helen laughed “If we are practicing spins that could mean a nice work face for me.”
The day went by fast. Helen and Logan danced and turned as each movement from Helen became more and more confident. Both looked surprised when her alarm went off. Helen, however, lost her footing and tumbled into Logan’s arms with a giggle. It did not even dawn on them that the cameras were still rolling. The look in Logan’s eyes made Helen’s giggles stop. He leaned down as she leaned up. Their lips met just for a brief second. They pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes. With a smile, Helen turned to get her backpack and froze.
Logan looked up as Helen walked away. When she stopped, he looked around her and paused. He needed to think about how to handle what had just been caught on tape. The entire camera crew was looking at them. One camera was still rolling, and the crew all had goofy smiles on their faces. He was surprised when she started to walk toward Ty.
Helen looked at the crew. She noticed that they were smiling and re
laxed a little. She and Logan’s relationship was personal, and it gave her pause to think that it could be tainted. She started to walk toward her backpack again but changed her direction. She walked up to Ty. “Please. Don’t put that on TV.” her pleading eyes were not lost to any of the crew.
Ty smiled “If you say you would like us to cut that part off, we will.” If his editor found out they cut this on purpose, he would probably be out of a job, but he did not care. The entire crew that was working on this project would never hurt Helen. What she did not know was how much she had endeared herself to them. They were just happy to see them kiss.
Logan came up behind Helen, and she leaned back against him when he put his hands on her shoulders. Helen smiled at Ty and the crew “Thank you.” she whispered in relief.
The couple gathered their things and headed to the car. It was time for their meetings at the church.
Pastor Jeff walked out of his office and paused. His wife was there. “Hi. Honey.” he greeted her with a hug.
Jen hugged her husband back. “I’m meeting Helen today. We are going to be in the nursery if that is ok with you.” she was confused at her husband’s reaction.
Jeff ran his fingers through his hair. He and Jen had never discussed when the appointment times the night before. “Um Logan should be here any second now too.”
The couple was getting ready to panic when Logan and Helen walked in together. Both were relieved. It was evident that Helen and Logan knew about the other’s appointment.
Logan looked at the pastor and his wife. He almost laughed at the look of panic on their faces. Helen had no such control. She giggled and then snorted. When she snorted twice, she giggled again. Logan put his hand on the small of her back and guided her toward the couple.
Jeff watched Logan guide Helen. He glanced at Jen. In the entire time, he had known Helen he had never observed her anything but uncomfortable with people. Jen’s glance said she was thinking the same thing. He could not help but smile at Helen as she went into another fit of giggles. Without thinking, he said, “I don’t think I have ever heard you laugh.”
Helen was still giggling about the look of panic she had seen pass between husband and wife. She allowed Logan to guide her until she heard Pastor Jeff’s observation. She was suddenly feeling uncomfortable and stopped. Jen came to the rescue.
Jen looked at her husband like he had lost his mind. What could he have been thinking to voice that? She noticed Helen stop, so she went to her with an outstretched hand. “Hi. Helen, it is great to see you again.” she smiled as she shook Helen’s hand. “I guess that means you are Logan. She reached out and shook his hand too.”
Jeff felt like an idiot after what he had just done. He did not see a way to make it right. Jeff followed his wife’s lead. He went forward to shake the couple’s hands making it a point to go to Logan first. Jeff noticed Helen lean into Logan’s side as he approached but continued as normal. He reached out to Helen and shook her hand as well. “Well, Logan if you are ready we can head into my office.”
When Logan looked down at her, Helen smiled and nodded indicating she was going to be ok. She watched as he followed the pastor leaving her alone with Jen. Helen turned and looked at Jen with a shy smile. “Lead the way?” she asked more than she stated.
Jen knew this was going to be tricky. She observed the interaction between the couple and realized Logan knew. Jen did not know how much he was aware of, but he knew Helen had been assaulted. Jen led the way to the nursery saying a prayer under her breath. She opened the door and waited for Helen to go in. She noted Helen’s pause before her entrance.
Helen hesitated. She was suddenly feeling vulnerable and unsure. She knew this was what God wanted from her, so when Jen opened the door for her, she was aware that only two choices existed. She could obey or disobey God. She obeyed and entered the room.
Helen had made her choice. Jen knew that was part of the battle. As Jen followed Helen through the door, she spoke confidently. “I thought we could start with prayer. I believe it is very important that we invite the Holy Spirit into this.”
Helen agreed with a whispered, “I think that is a very good idea.”
Jen prayed aloud. She asked that God would lead both her and Helen. She asked for His hand of protection. Jen requested the ability to be brave and honest as they spoke about the things that needed discussed. She finished with her desire to do whatever He asked of her that day.
Helen took a seat in one of the rocking chairs. Looking around, she could not help but note how nice this room was. She knew Jen was watching and assessing her. Helen made direct eye contact with the woman across from her. It was time to be brave. “I was raped when I was nine.” There she had said it aloud for the first time in her life. She followed that statement by getting up and rushing out of the room saying, “I’m going to be sick.”
Jen followed Helen to the bathroom. She did not ask to enter, she followed. Jen watched Helen hit her knees. She could see Helen’s body was sick with what she had just confessed. Jen knelt beside her and held her hair back. Helen was dry heaving now, but Jen did not leave her. She stayed hoping her presence would comfort Helen.
Helen had not expected to become ill. It was like poison was leaving her body. She had not expected her statement to make her want to vomit, but it had. She did not even try to fight it. She knew Jen was following her. Helen felt her kneel beside her and hold her hair out of her face. She was glad she was not alone. She felt Jen rise and heard her grab a paper towel and run it under water. Helen felt Jen place it in her hand and was grateful. “Thank you” Helen whispered through her anguish.
“Would you like me to stay or do you need a minute?” Jen asked gently.
“I need a minute please,” Helen said softly as hot tears made their way down her cheeks.
Jen got up and went back to the nursery. She prayed for Helen as she went. It was only a minute before Jen watched Helen come back into the room and take her seat. She felt God telling her to be silent, so she was.
“I have never said that aloud. Not ever.” Helen looked up and made eye contact with Jen now. “I have always been extremely ashamed.”
“It was never your shame,” Jen said gently. “You were a child. It must have been so confusing not knowing what was being done to you. I need you to understand now, Helen, that his sin was never your shame.”
“You don’t understand. He made me do things. I just can’t even repeat what happened that day.” Helen tried to block out the images.
“Can I tell you a story?” Jen asked.
Helen looked at her and nodded.
“Jeff and I are the parents of three children. Before we came to this church, we were assigned a different church. We rarely talk about that church for a reason.” Jen took a deep breath and continued. “I don’t know why, but there was a man in our congregation that just hated me. Early on Jeff and I realized it and made sure I was never alone.” she paused at that point and looked out the window.
Helen could see how hard it was for Jen. She got up and went to her sitting in the rocker beside her. “You don’t have to tell me this.”
Jen now looked at Helen. “I think I do. You see the only other person that knows this is Jeff. Looking back, we have never talked about it.”
“If you are sure, I will hear what you want to say” Helen assured her gently.
“We were so happy to find out we were going to be parents for the very first time. The months seemed to fly by so fast. I was six months pregnant when I heard a knock at the door. It never occurred to me to ask who was there. I answered it.” Jen felt the tears slide down her cheeks as she remembered that fateful day. She continued, “His name was Robert, and he was the one standing on the other side of the door I had just opened. I looked at his face and knew that I was in trouble. I tried to run. He was faster than me. He caught up with me, knoc
ked me to the ground, and just started kicking me. I tried to protect my baby. It did not matter. He got on top of me and held my hands away from my stomach as he punched my baby. I heard Jeff come in. I felt him take Robert off of me, but I knew it was too late. I could feel the blood starting to pour out of me and down my legs.”
“Oh Jen I am sorry,” Helen said in an anguished whisper.
“I asked myself so many times what kind of mother does not protect her baby? I felt such shame in the fact that when my child needed me most, I could do nothing to protect her. You see Helen, Satan tried to keep me from doing what God wanted by fooling me. He was very good at it too. He convinced me that another’s sin was my own.”
Helen thought about that for a moment. She still had a hard time with one thing. “I am having a hard time with the things that I did that day.” She finally confessed.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jen did not wait for permission but continued, “Would you have done those things if you had not been made to do them? Did you at any point in time do anything out of your own free will?”
Helen knew she had not. “No.” she whispered.
“Then Helen, how can it be your sin?”
Helen answered honestly “It was not my sin. It is not my sin.” The words were simple, yet they freed another little part of her heart.
“It feels good when we realize the blame is not ours to carry, doesn’t it?” Jen whispered as she wiped her tears away.
Helen smiled through tears of her own and agreed. “It does.”
Jen looked at Helen and asked “Would you like to get together weekly? I understand if you would rather not. I would love to walk through this time with you.”
Helen did not hesitate “I would like that. You see my past is catching up with what looks like my future.”
Jen took a guess “Logan?”
Helen smiled at the thought of him. She looked at Jen and nodded. “Things are moving so fast. We both know it too. That was the reason he wanted to talk to Pastor Jeff. For me, it is a matter of working through the past so that I can have a future.”
“Does he know?” Jen asked.
“He knows. I didn’t tell him. He figured it out. I never asked how he figured out that I did not suffer from anxiety.” Helen answered honestly.
“Do you love him?” Jen asked gently.
“Yes,” Helen answered without pause. “I know some people may say it is fast, but I have fallen in love with him. He has stated that he loves me too. Like I said our brains are not quite with our hearts. My mind says it should have taken more time for this to happen. We have not even gone out on a date yet. Our first one will be tonight.”
Jen thought for a moment and then asked “Could I pray about this until next week and give you my thoughts then? I just want to make sure that I am doing and saying the right thing in this.”
“I would like that.” Helen said softly.
Jen ended in prayer, and the women left the room.
Logan followed Pastor Jeff into the office. He sat down in the chair offered and leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees.
Jeff observed Logan. “Would you mind if I prayed?”
“I think that would be the best way to start.” Logan agreed.
Jeff prayed and asked God’s blessing on the meeting that was getting ready to take place. He prayed for wisdom and guidance in all things.
After the prayer, Logan was the one who started first. “I know me wanting to talk to you may seem strange, but I have no Christian friends to talk to about this relationship that Helen and I have formed.”
“I do understand that. I know what it is like to feel alone with no one to talk to. For us men, I think it is even harder to come to that point where we see a need to speak to another man.”
Logan agreed “That is true. This is not easy for me, but I have never felt so sure of needing guidance in my life.”
Jeff responded to Logan’s statement. “It seems like you have some clear things you would like to say to me. If you are ready, I am listening.”
Logan thought for a moment before he began “I am in love with her. I know it is fast, but I have never looked at a woman the way I do Helen. She is extremely special to me. I think the fact that this seems so fast throws me off balance. If God wants it to continue at this pace, I am willing. I just want to make sure that that is the case. I need a person that I can be honest with. A person that may ask me hard questions will be the one that gets honest answers. A person that asks God before they even talk to me will be the one that hears God’s voice and keeps me on track.”
“Do you want it to continue at this pace?” Jeff asked.
“I do. I want to be hers in every way, but there are other things that I think we need to work through first.” Logan answered.
“Can you share what those things are?” Jeff asked.
Logan thought about it for a second and then answered, “Would it be possible for me to talk to Helen before I answer that?”
Jeff smiled. Logan was putting Helen’s feeling before his own. That was more than telling in Jeff’s eyes. “I am fine with that. Her feelings are a priority to you, aren’t they?”
“Yes. The thought of betraying her or hurting her always makes me stop and think.” Logan voiced with emotion.
“I’ve been married for fifteen years and still struggle with that.” Jeff confessed.
Logan smiled. “Dancing with her has been an experience. I think about everything. Will this make her uncomfortable or frighten her? I am exhausted both physically and mentally at the end of the day. However, I have never felt more satisfied. I look forward to seeing her the next day.”
Under normal circumstances, Jeff would have been a bit more skeptical about how fast love can develop. He felt God’s hand giving him pause, though. “Is there anything else that makes you feel different about Helen?”
Logan smiled “We pray together. I pick her up every morning, and we take that time to pray. We pray for each other and God’s leading.”
Jeff was surprised. He and Jen used to pray all of the time but had fallen out of that habit until last night. He had, to be honest. “Dude I am not sure if this meeting is more for you or me.”
Logan looked up at Jeff surprised “Um, could you explain?”
Jeff laughed “I remember when Jen and I would pray every morning together. The kids came, and it just got easier to let her sleep. I can see now that we forgot that we needed to be putting God first each day. I am also guilty of putting myself above my wife. That for sure needs to change. Logan, your unselfish handling of Helen, has convicted me.”
Logan was not sure what to say about that. He smiled. “Well, I guess I will try to learn from you too. If this relationship is going where I think it is, I will do my best not to get comfortable with how I treat Helen.”
Jeff laughed “You have got that right. Logan, I want to be honest with you. If this were someone else, I am almost positive on how I would be answering these questions. God has given me an absolute pause with you, and I am going to obey it. I believe a bit more needs to be revealed for you to understand why this is moving so fast, but I feel like God is telling me that the pace it is at now is the pace He is setting.
Logan leaned forward on his elbows again “You have no idea how much your honesty means to me. I have been seeking God in this from the start. I guess my faith has been a bit weak in this area. I have felt the same thing but have been worried about embracing it. I was concerned that maybe because I wanted things to keep going faster, that I heard what I wanted to hear.”
“What else has God shown you?” Jeff asked.
Logan looked Jeff right in the eye “We are going on our first date tonight, but I know Helen will be my wife.”
“I feel that as well. In all of the time I have pastored, I have never felt such leading as with you and Helen. I will continue to seek God’s wisdom on this fo
r sure.” Jeff just realized what else Logan said. “Wait, you have never even taken her out on a date?”
Logan shook his head no and laughed “Nope, I am not going to lie to you. I am a bit nervous about it too.”
The two men talked a bit more. Jeff was making mental notes of things he knew he needed to pray about. He ended with prayer, and they left the office.
Helen and Jen were just coming from the nursery when Logan and Jeff stepped out of the office. Logan met Helen’s eyes and winked as he walked toward her. Good grief, did he love her. He could see in her eyes that she felt the same.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
Helen looked at this man that God had sent her. She was not sure what she was ready for when she answered, “I am.”
The exchange was not missed by the other couple present. Jen looked at Jeff and smiled. They watched Logan and Helen leave with a final wave.
Jeff looked at Jen and thought about his shortcomings. She was still looking at the empty doorway when his arms went around her. “It has come to my attention that I have not been who God wants me to be to you.”
Jen turned in her husband’s arms. “Can you explain that to me?” she asked.
Jeff pulled her closer and kissed her. It was not a quick kiss. It was a kiss that told her how much he loved her. It was a kiss that said he still longed for her. It was a kiss that left his wife breathless with a bewildered look on her face.
“It means that I want to start praying with you again. I want to start making your needs a priority. You are loved, Jen. I love you. God gave you to me, and I think I have taken that for granite. I don’t want to do that anymore. Crazy as it sounds, Logan is going to hold me accountable. I asked him to. He agreed as long as I do the same.”
Jen heard everything that he was saying. A part of her that she did not even realize needed to be touched was at that moment caressed lovingly with his words. “I love you.” she whispered as she pressed her lips against his.
Jeff did not need to be asked. He kissed her again with all of the passion of a man who was madly in love with his wife.