PART II
THE MOURNING AFTERWARD
I wept for days after her departure. It hurt like hell and my eyes still tear up as I write about the short-lived experience with my darling angel: a real angel, now. I will include more excerpts from my journal, which were written as I coped with her death. I will share them for those who struggle with losing a love one.
Monday, 09/03/01, (8:04 PM): I have cried and cried but nothing takes away the pain of losing my precious little baby doll. I pray and pray, but there is no relief. I am somewhat comforted when I speak to her and can hear her beautiful voice speaking back to me. I have had bouts of crying several times during the day, and continue to have them as I write this with tear- filled eyes. A part of me is with her Just as a part of her is with me.
Tuesday, 09/04/01, (10:35 PM): Today has been another emotional day for me. I spent a lot of time going through some of her letters and putting them together by the date they were post-marked. I cried a few times ... I was reading a letter that Karen had written when she thought that I had intentionally not called. It just hurt me too bad not to cry when I sensed the pain she was in as she wrote. God knows I love her and she left here knowing it too...
Wednesday, 09/05/01, (10:44 PM): I received the last two letters from my baby doll today, and cried while reading them … I wrote her parents tonight and cried a couple times while doing so ... I let them know she forgave them and knew in the end that they loved her, and that the best thing that they had ever done for her was to accept me, and agreed to bring her to see me. I just wish that the day had come, but am thankful that she left in peace. My precious darling is watching over me now, and is no longer in pain or having to struggle to breathe. For that, I am thankful, but would love to be with her—maybe in the next life God will unite us. Amen.
I added the italics for the passage’s relevance to the most unusual spiritual experience that I have ever had, which I will write about later. It changed my life in a significant manner.
Friday, 09/07/01: Before I begin on other things, I want to note that I have seen a rainbow for the last two days in a row, and keep thinking about a song Mother and Jezebel [my ex-wife] used to sing, “God Put a Rainbow in the Sky.” Also, that on the night of Karen’s passage, that it was a full moon, and that she loved to watch it and the stars at night. I wish God had allowed us to enjoy the pleasure together. I guess that He did in a sense, since we were one. Gail told me last night that Karen said to be sure to tell me that she would be okay and for me not to worry. When Gail told me that, I knew Karen understood what I was saying to her (had to take a crying break), whenever she was worried about dying, and I would tell her that she was going to be okay … I am thankful that God gave her the chance to be at peace with her past family situation, and that He had blessed her with the spirit of forgiveness. She was healed spiritually, and just as I always told her, to be spiritually healed was of most importance, because the body was nothing but a temporary vehicle for the spirit to travel in. In knowing that God used me to help the process, I can rejoice in the pain that I am suffering, because I would have given my life for her to be healed and happy, and that’s how she left us.
I saw Dr. Lorain [a psychologist] today, and told her about feeling pain in my chest at the time of Karen’s passage, but thought that it was only gas or heartburn. Heartburn it was — a part of my heart being taken away, and it hurt like no other pain. According to Doctor Lorain, everything I’m experiencing (anger, blaming others for her death, sleeplessness, stress) is a normal response to such an event. I don’t feel normal. I feel sick. Emotionally and physically. God did make one perfect heart when He tied the knot, and my baby doll left with it. She was perfect in her spirit when she left this world, but I know she is here with me now. She is my better half. I love her dearly. Now there’s an angel named Karen. My very special, personal, sweet loving angel. [The following is some things written as a form of closure, but I felt as if I were writing it directly to her.] I love you Baby Doll, and so much wish that I had called you that morning. I’ll always regret it.... I love you, and may you rest in peace, my love. Good night and Good-bye, but you know we can never say Good-bye in the final sense, because we are one and the same forever and always. I’m very thankful for all you’ve given me. Thank you darling.
For the next few days, I continued to heal as I went through the normal routines of prison life. I often called and spoke with Karen’s mother and father. I cried less each day, but still struggled with loosing Karen. The following added stress to the strain, but also gave me comfort in an unusual way. Karen was very sensitive, and was concerned about the welfare of people who were suffering for any reason. She was compassionate, gentle, and fragile, like a porcelain doll.
Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2001
Terrorism in America
It’s 4:08 PM, and I just said my prayer at one of the times Karen and me prayed together. Today, I am thankful my precious Karen did not have to be one of the people in America filled with fears. Two planes hit the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center this morning … Karen would be worried sick over it ... I feel sorry for whoever takes responsibility for the terrorist acts. May God save them, because their ass belongs to the U.S.
The following is an account of an experience from another realm of existence I did not know existed. That is, until I experienced it. Even though I believed in life after death, I had never experienced anything to verify my beliefs; nor did I intend to write an essay about it.
PART III
A CARD FROM AN ANGEL
Thursday, 09/13/01: I had an experience yesterday that would make some people think I had lost my mind. After being locked-down for the four o’clock count, I told Karen I loved her, and asked that she come to me through someone else. I prayed and then laid in bed meditating. I came partially out of it when the guard unlocked the door but I didn’t get up. I laid there in a light meditational state and then heard names being called out for mail. I thought my name was going to be called, and it was, as soon as I thought it.
[I got out of the bed, walked down the tier, and to an area called the “Horseshoe,” which is where the guard sat to observe the unit or to conduct business. When I arrived, I was surprised to see a sparkly, purple ink on an envelope in the stack of mail.]
I picked up my letter [card] and at first thought that it was a late letter from my baby doll, because the ink was from a special type of pen that she occasionally used. I noticed the handwriting wasn’t the same, and on the back of the envelope was the name and address of someone whom I did not know. I thought that she was a friend, or maybe Karen’s sister. I was shocked to read, “Wayne, Hope you are doing OK. I am one of the angels ... Karen is in Heaven now with God and she will always be your angel, and watching over you.” ... The message about Karen being an angel was no coincidence. Karen sent me The Book of Angels [unknown author] for my birthday, and I told her that it wasn’t very accurate, because there was no angel named Karen in it, and I knew that there was one, because she was my personal angel. She is, too! I know my darling angel is watching over me right now and that her spirit lives with me ... we are truly “one.”
I have experienced numerous spiritual events throughout my life, but none like the one above, which allowed me to see that there is much more to this thing we call life than what our eyes can see. The card that I received from the woman was a revelation, indeed; however, I never heard from her again—her sending the card with the message was the only contact, even though I did send her a thank you card in response. She did not respond, nor was my letter returned. So, who knows what prompted her to write about Karen being an angel—the same thing that I had written and referred to on the days following her passage, and before the card’s postmark of September 10, 2001, whose sender belonged to an Internet group that the wife of a friend of mine started. Two days after receiving the card, this is what I wrote:
Saturday, 09/15/01: I am pretty well at peace with losing Karen in the flesh. It helped the healing process a
lot when I was assured by the card that Karen is with God now. She is my angel, and that’s something to smile about. She’s with me always, and she left this cruel world spiritually prepared. Nothing else is more important than that. She’s okay now, but I really do miss her, and so much wish that all of our dreams could have come true. Maybe what she has now is better for her? I have to trust God that it is.
I don’t know, maybe my spirit was holding hers hostage during the period of intense grief and strife, or maybe her spirit couldn’t rest until she knew I was OK, I don’t know. I don’t know about any of this spiritual stuff, but I do know my love for her is as strong today as ever. After all, our relationship was always a spiritual one, never physical.
Monday, December 24, 2001: I was just sitting here thinking about Karen and “Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam came on the radio. I really do miss her. Life for me would have been so much better with her by my side, but it just wasn’t meant to be. She was my angel while here, and will forever be my angel. She carries a part of my heart with her, and we will always be one. May God bless her.
Amen.
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