The ceremony took a little over an hour, and at the end, Tejus was presented with the crown of Hellswan. It looked like it weighed a lot.
Uneasy is the head that wears the crown. I recalled a quote from Shakespeare. It seemed apt in this moment. Tejus might have appeared outwardly calm to the onlookers, but I doubted he felt that way on the inside.
Tejus and I were led, as part of a mini-procession, back into the main part of the castle to where the banquet and celebrations would be held.
We were in the same room where the championship dinner had taken place, but the decorations this time were far more extravagant. Everywhere I looked I could see dark crimson and gold—from the chair throws to the table runners and the ornate display pieces. The doors were once again opened into the gardens, and torches blazed from every available surface, and great big bonfires had been lit at various points across the lawn. While I admired the effort, it did make me feel like I was standing in the middle of some hellish inferno.
“Bit much, don’t you agree?” A voice sounded from behind me.
Nikolay was standing on the patio, his handsome face in a hopeful half-smile.
“I don’t want to have anything to do with you,” I retorted.
“Hazel, give me a chance. I swear to you, I knew my human wasn’t in danger. My mother has been helping me throughout the trials. Me winning meant everything to her. Forgive me, Hazel. I’m not your enemy, and I imagine in Nevertide you have enough of those.”
I couldn’t bring myself to get into an argument. I let out an exasperated sigh, and looked around for Ruby or Benedict to save me, but I hadn’t seen them since I’d arrived.
“How about a dance?” Nikolay asked.
You’re pushing your luck.
I was about to say no when Tejus stepped out of the shadows and came to stand next to me—his tall frame towering menacingly over both Nikolay and me, his face half lit by the fires that surrounded us.
“Nikolay, I was made king ten minutes ago,” Tejus said, his voice dangerously low, “and you have the rare fortune to be the subject of my very first decree. Stay away from this young woman, or you’ll end up in the Hellswan dungeons, many, many miles from a mirror.”
Nikolay looked at me, and then at Tejus. He bowed swiftly, mortified, and turned on his heel, walking back indoors.
I didn’t miss a small smirk cross Tejus’s lips.
“That was a bit unnecessary,” I muttered to him once Nikolay was out of earshot, not quite willing to let on that I was relieved by the interruption.
“No, it wasn’t,” he replied crisply. “You are worth a thousand of him. He’s not fit to breathe the same air as you, Hazel. Choose your companions better.”
As Tejus took my arm and led me out of the hall and onto a torchlit balcony—away from the bustle of the crowd—I marveled at how he could turn such a flattering and unexpected compliment into an insult. I didn’t know what to say, other than to make a snarky remark about my ‘companions’ being my own choice, but I decided against it. I didn’t want to argue with Tejus anymore this evening. We should be celebrating and congratulating one another on getting this far, not taking cheap snipes and arguing.
“How does it feel?” I asked, diverting the conversation as I rested my hands on the balcony’s ornately carved stone railing.
“To be king?” he questioned grimly. His eyes trailed over the dark horizon. “I’m not sure. I suppose… it feels like I’ve followed in the steps of my father… That I’ve done the right thing by my family name.”
I looked up at him, slightly taken aback by the honesty of his answer—and his resigned tone. The eyes that met mine were determined and assured, but for the first time I got the impression that at least part of that was a veneer. There was something about Tejus this evening, which I’d first glimpsed at the coronation too, that felt lost and uncertain.
“And what about what you want?” I asked quietly.
“That is irrelevant. Particularly now.” He smiled ruefully. “I have lived a privileged life in many respects, but the luxury of choice has always evaded me.”
His words reminded me of the conversation I’d overheard between him and Queen Trina—how she’d accused him of abandoning her when he had put his family, and his father, first.
“I’m not sure I believe you…” I hesitated, knowing that I might well be overstepping the boundaries of our complicated friendship. “I think we always have a choice,” I dared say, recalling my grandma Sofia’s famous words—words that had become a family motto. “Every single one of us. It’s just that there are consequences to every choice we make, and some are easier to live with than others.” I thought of the choice I had deliberated over, the killing of Tejus to save my brother—one that had appeared so black and white at first, so obvious, but when it had come down to it, I had faltered.
He was looking at me questioningly, but didn’t seem irritated, so I continued.
“I think that sometimes it’s easier to pretend that we don’t have a choice, so we don’t have to stand up for what we really want—and live the lives we want to live. We’re afraid.”
He took a step closer to me, his eyes almost luminous in the firelight. He had never looked less human to me—large and looming, his figure dwarfing mine and the long scar that faintly marked his cheekbone from the fight with Ash making him appear more deadly than ever.
My heart skipped a beat as he raised his hand. I stood unmoving before him, like prey and predator before the final strike. But instead of acting in anger, he brought his hand down slowly, tenderly grazing his thumb along the frame of my face.
“And what would I choose?” he asked, his expression serious.
I swallowed, momentarily forgetting how to breathe as my skin tingled where his skin had touched mine.
“What would I have instead of my crown?” he asked again.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
He drew in closer, and I felt like I was becoming consumed by his presence, hyper-aware of the intensity that radiated off him, the broad torso that stood unmoving in front of me, trying to ignore the small voice in the back of my head that warned me away from him—just as every single nerve in my body urged me closer. Usually when we were this…intimate, we were mind-melding or he was siphoning off me. This was different—our closeness was taking on a new dimension, and a completely new direction—one I hadn’t really been willing to admit to myself that I wanted.
Until now.
“Don’t you?” he breathed. His right hand moved slowly up and touched my face as he looked searchingly into my eyes.
I couldn’t answer him, and he smiled softly, almost sadly at my silence.
“I wonder sometimes, if I had known you long before now, if I would find this place so black.” As he spoke, the bonfire near us flared then dimmed, casting Tejus in almost complete darkness. The next moment, I felt the soft, cool skin of his lips brush against my own, so fleetingly I thought I’d imagined it.
I moved closer to him, desperately wanting his touch to return. Instead, he groaned softly against the nape of my neck, the chill of his breath sending shivers running up and down my spine.
“Please,” I whispered, hardly knowing what I was asking for. I felt his body tense in response, his fingers digging into my arms. His forehead came to rest on mine, his eyes closed, both of us breathing shallowly.
“Hazel—I…”
He didn’t finish his sentence. Instead, a low growl tore from his throat, and his lips pressed against my half-open mouth. Even as he succumbed to the thing he wanted in that moment, me, I knew that he felt he had lost a battle – that in this instance Tejus was giving in, surrendering something to me that he’d tried his hardest to hold at bay.
The sweet and fleeting brush of his skin flittering on mine moments earlier was replaced by something urgent and more wanting. As he wound his hands into my hair clutching me to him, his body created an unbreakable barrier around mine. I felt the warm tip of his tongue delve
between my lips, and I inhaled the taste of his mouth – my senses becoming drugged as our kiss deepened and became the pivotal point of my existence – the cold night air, the fires and the quiet murmurings of the distant sentries, they all meant nothing as I clung to Tejus, already dreading the moment he would release me.
His hands roamed firmly over my body, running up and down my back – causing my entire being to tremble, each touch burning the same way my cheek had. I shivered uncontrollably, and he tightened his grip further, bringing me closer to his muscular frame and the thundering of his heart. His body was hard and unyielding, his torso like stone against my softer skin, but even so it brought me comfort, and the countless times I had been pressed against him for protection – the flights on vultures, in the aftermath of the disk trial, being released in the forest – flashed through my mind. As strange and euphoric as I felt with my blood soaring through my body, and all the breath pushed out of me and relinquished to him, I felt completely safe, knowing that within Tejus’s grasp, nothing could harm me.
Tejus broke the kiss, holding me away from him.
Except that.
“I can’t - ” His breath was ragged and labored. I looked up at him in confusion, and in that moment I saw a flash of fear cross his face. Fear was something I’d never seen Tejus exhibit before – not even in the caves.
“No, please, speak to me,” I croaked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“This is wrong,” he breathed. “I’m sorry - ”
“Hazel!” Ruby cried out across the balcony.
I jumped back from Tejus, still catching my breath. I suddenly felt violently cold, as if I’d just stepped outside in the middle of winter.
What did he mean?
I glanced back at Tejus, but he didn’t meet my eye. He stared off, past Ruby, and I could see the effort it was taking him to reign back whatever it was he wanted to do, or say in that moment.
“Thank God I found you. I’ve been looking everywhere!” Ruby barely looked in Tejus’s direction, oblivious to what she’d just interrupted.
She was rushing toward us, and behind her, Jenney and Benedict appeared too, looking as anxious as Ruby, their breath coming in short pants as they approached.
“We can’t find Julian! He’s vanished!” Ruby panted.
“He’s been missing since this morning,” Jenney said, “no one’s seen him.”
“And last night?” I asked, panic taking a hold of me.
Benedict looked at Jenney, who shook her head.
“We went to bed at the same time,” Benedict replied hoarsely, “but when I woke he wasn’t there.” He blanched, and I went over to clutch my brother’s shoulder, hoping to comfort him.
“He’s got to be somewhere!” I said.
“I don’t even know where to start.” Ruby’s tone was frustrated and angry. “Ash is searching the servant quarters as we speak, but I’m not holding out much hope—I’m worried Julian’s left us. That he doesn’t want to be found,” she added quietly.
“What?” I exclaimed. “He wouldn’t abandon us!”
I thought about the awkward position I’d put Julian in because of the stone, and how none of us had taken his declarations about finding our own way out of Nevertide seriously. Had we alienated our friend that much?
I looked to Tejus. “Please, will you help us find him?” I breathed, flushing as our eyes met.
Tejus’s face had assumed a stony mask, his mind and emotions once again under full control. He merely pursed his lips, swiftly avoiding my direct gaze. It was as if it was a different person standing before me now than just a few moments ago.
“I must discuss the matter with the ministers,” he replied after a short pause, as he shifted his focus to the banquet hall.
It was the response of a king, not a friend.
“What do you mean?” I asked, frowning.
“You seem to forget that I am a ruler now,” he replied, his voice distant. “King Tejus of Hellswan, and now contender to Nevertide’s emperorship. I cannot expend our guards flippantly—especially not the number you’d require to find a human so thoroughly lost that his closest companions couldn’t locate him… Every action I now take must be in the kingdom’s best interest, not just your own.”
I stared at him, my mouth drying out.
What’s happening to him?
Is this the choice he’s making?
“Of course,” Ruby retorted angrily, “we’d never expect the ‘king of Hellswan’ to help us out of the goodness of his heart,” she spat. “You only ever promised to let us free in the first place because it was in your interest.”
Tejus didn’t rise to Ruby’s jab. He merely ignored her.
I could hardly bear to look at him.
I’d tried to begin explaining to Tejus that he had choice, that he did not have to become a hollow, carbon copy of his father and follow in his bleak footsteps. But he hadn’t given me enough of a chance. Enough time. A switch had flicked in him too soon, and now I feared there might be no going back.
His kiss… had that been some sort of good bye? Had he already made up his mind as to his destiny, and his caress was like a final, hopeless reach for what I sensed he wanted, deep down—to feel, to connect… To love?
Now it felt like a barricade had closed down around him, as impenetrable as the barriers that surrounded this joyless, shadowed empire. That all that existed in his world was himself and his newly acquired power. That he was no longer a friend or…whatever we were, but a man responsible for the rule of his people, and—more importantly in Nevertide—navigating the fraught political landscape of ministers and combative queens.
“Come on, Hazel.” Ruby’s voice broke through my wilderness of thoughts. “Whatever he ends up doing, all we can do is keep searching for Julian ourselves in the meantime.” She tugged at me, dragging me away with Jenney and Benedict, and I followed, my legs feeling like dead weight.
Before we re-entered the banquet hall, I looked back fleetingly. Tejus was still standing at the edge of the balcony, the remaining firelight dancing across his broad back, the breeze carrying his dark hair. He cut a lonely figure, despite the distinct aura of wealth and power surrounding him.
In that moment, it felt like Julian wasn’t the only friend I’d lost tonight.
Tejus
You fool.
I watched as Hazel was dragged away by her friend, and like a coward I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to explain myself further – that I wouldn’t have her standing in front of me, relentlessly tempting my baser urges.
How much would you take from her, Tejus?
Was it not enough that I’d taken her from her home, selfishly for my own purposes – disregarding her needs, desires and wants – and worse, that I’d put her within reach of my morally repugnant family and Queen Trina Seraq?
And now…Now was I willing for her to pay the ultimate price, because I was too selfish to refuse her for a moment longer?
Had I known, long ago, when my father first commanded us to take our pick of the minds from the human world to help in the upcoming trials, that I would return with its brightest and most brilliant creature, would I have disobeyed him then?
No. I doubted that I would have.
I would have taken her anyway, and proceeded to do what I was doing now – crushing the spirit of a girl so bright, she put my darkness to shame.
Had she been any different, less honorable, less brave and loving toward her family, I would have claimed her as my own in a heartbeat – which had been my intention from the start, as soon as I realized how powerful her mind was.
But I had developed…feelings for her.
At first they had seemed inconsequential – we were working together, closely, and a certain bond could emerge through repeated mind-melding, I was no stranger to that. But it had intensified; I had started to concern myself with her opinion of me – far more than I should. When she had trembled as we flew on my vulture, I had wanted to quell her fears. Whe
n I realized that she had been bound and blindfolded in the forest, I had wanted to destroy the land till I found her – annihilating everything that had stood in my way. She had accused me of not caring of her safety during the trials at Ghoul’s Ridge – how wrong she was. I had hesitated; almost lost precious moments when I’d seen her falling through the air, and it had taken all of my will to keep running and not turn back, even though I knew she would be safe. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I was drawn to her, always. Her entire being seemed to taunt me. Every so often I would glance her way, and become transfixed by her hair, her eyes, the way her nose wrinkled when she was concentrating, or how she would chew her lip when she was nervous. Soon I had begun to realize that she saw me in a way that no other had ever done. It became harder to keep up my mask of indifference, and every time I hurt her, I felt like the most despicable being in this world.
Had my feelings remained just warm, I would have given her all that I could provide: the greatest riches of Hellswan – and eventually the whole of Nevertide – wealth beyond her wildest imagining, a kingdom laid at her feet to command… all that any female could possibly want. How beautiful she’d looked tonight, dressed as she ought to be, in the softest silks and finery I could provide. But to Hazel, all of those promises would be hollow – more so once she understood the true terms of any kind of contract between us. I didn’t know how I’d even begin to tell her. What would someone so young, so human, understand about our archaic rules? It was law here that a sentry of royalty could only marry one of his or her own kind. To become a match for me, Hazel would have to surrender herself completely.
She’d have to become a sentry.
And what would I give her in repayment for a metamorphosis she would find so reprehensible? I had nothing of real value to offer – my soul a dead thing, my selfishness and my self-will would strangle the life out of her, drag her down into my own bleak depths.
“You look dejected for a man just crowned.”