“Just for a little while longer.”
I moved my face so we were cheek to cheek and his heavy breaths blew across my ear.
The phone in the room began to ring and E’s fingers slid into my hair.
“Ignore it,” he panted.
I let my mouth fall open slightly, wishing that I could let go and take what I wanted.
Eventually, the noise stopped and E’s fingers continued to stroke my hair. “I want you.” His whispered confessions sounded deafening in the quiet space.
“E . . . don’t do that.” I didn’t want more guilt to carry around with me. I was already carrying more than most could handle. I was buckling under the weight.
“I won’t ever cross that line if that’s what you want from me. This is enough.”
I nodded, unable to respond as a lump formed in my throat. I could just be friends with E. It was better than the alternative, not having him in my life.
The phone rang again and his body grew rigid as he stared at me with wanting and sadness in his eyes.
“It could be important,” he groaned.
I only nodded, unable to form any coherent words. I pulled my body from his, and I was overcome with embarrassment and regret the moment we broke contact. I was going to be sick. What had I done? I had let E get close to me and Derek would never forgive me.
“What?” E asked angrily as he answered the phone. His eyes flicked to me and he rubbed his hand over his forehead. “How long?” After a pause he added, “Thanks, man.” Before he hung up the phone, his eyes danced over my body.
“What is it?” I asked, registering the sadness in his eyes.
“They guys are on their way back. . . .”
“Oh.” I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with panic. “I should . . . I should go.” My eyes searched the room, unsure of what had come over me.
“You don’t have to.” He took a step in front of me, his hands taking mine. I stared down at where he touched me and slowly looked up to meet his gaze.
“E . . .” There were no words. I was a horrible human being. E and Derek both deserved better than what I was giving them right now—I was a shitty girlfriend to Derek and a shitty friend to E. I deserved to be alone and ashamed.
He let go of my hands and took a step back, the look of lust replaced with a hardened mask as the muscles in his jaw flexed under his skin.
I could only nod once at him and hurried out of the room and down the hall to mine.
My mind was racing when I got inside. Part of me was relieved Derek hadn’t beat me back and part of me overwhelmed with guilt for what I had just done. While technically my actions had stayed chaste, I knew that my heart wasn’t being faithful.
I curled up the center of the bed, my fingers running over the scar on my thigh that still tingled from E’s touch. My thoughts were consumed by him and I hated myself the more my heart raced. I wanted to run back to him and let whatever happened happen, but instead I lay frozen in the deafening silence of my room.
It felt like hours as the minutes ticked by as I hummed “Free Bird,” trying desperately to escape into my mind and not have to face Derek. Finally, I heard the handle of the door move and the lock click free from the frame. I sat up, staring at the door as I held my breath. Tucker stepped inside with Derek’s arm pulled around his neck. They stumbled toward me, Derek’s eyes unfocused.
“Does this belong to you?” Tucker asked with a smirk. Something in his tone made me uncertain if he knew where I had just been. I just looked at him, the question written all over my face. He winked and unlooped Derek’s body from his. “Well, I’ll just leave him here.” Derek twisted and fell back onto the bed beside me.
Tucker turned and walked back toward the door.
“Thank you,” I called after him.
He turned back with a smile. “That’s what friends are for.” The door closed behind him and I let go of the breath I had been holding as I looked down at Derek.
“Who was that boy?” Phil screamed, and spittle flew from his mouth as the vein in his neck pulsed under his weathered flesh.
“He was just walking me home. He’s just a friend.” I tried to keep my voice even, but as Phil stepped toward me, I flinched and covered my face with my hands, hoping that if I couldn’t see him, he would disappear. I wasn’t that lucky. I was never lucky.
“If I catch him around you again, you’re grounded.”
“That’s not fair! He’s just a friend and you know I don’t have many.”
“You want me to tell your mother that you’re out acting like a slut?” he bit out angrily and stepped closer.
“You can’t keep me locked away like a prisoner.”
“We can and we will. You live under my roof and what I say goes.”
“This roof was paid for by my father,” I snapped. I hated Phil with every fiber of my being.
“You want to live with your father? Be my guest. Leave.”
It killed me inside when I thought about my dad. I had no idea where he was, but anywhere would be better than here. “Maybe I will.”
“If you do, don’t you ever come back, do you understand me?”
ERIC
I LAY AWAKE FOR hours as I thought about Sarah. I wanted so desperately for her to stay with me. It was almost worse that I was finally able to touch her and have her want this as badly as I did, only to have her walk out of the door . . . for him.
I was sickened as I thought of him being able to sleep beside her, to hold her, and I was forced to pretend that I wasn’t feeling as if my entire world were imploding.
I wanted her and wanted to forget her at the same time. Her song lyrics played over and over in my head, torturing me. Karma was perpetually punishing me for not saving my brother from that car. Everything in my life fell apart after that day and I had stopped caring.
“I just spent three hours on the phone with your coach.”
I sat up on my bed and pulled off my headphones, trying to hide that I was high from my dad.
“You have screwed up your entire life. I hope you’re happy.”
I rolled my eyes and lay back against my pillow. “Yeah, I’m fucking ecstatic.”
“What the hell did you just say to me, boy?” he yelled, and my mother was at his side, latching onto his arm to hold him in place.
I pushed to my feet, puffing out my own chest to meet his as I looked him in the eye. “You don’t scare me, old man. You’re just jealous I was better than you ever were.”
“Better? You got kicked off the damn team! You won’t ever get into college now.”
“At least I made the team,” I smirked, feeling no fear.
“Eric! Don’t you dare talk to your father that way!” my mother screamed, and my father’s fist connected with the side of my face.
I stumbled, but I was younger and stronger. I took another step closer to him so we were chest to chest. “You want to kick my ass? Take another swing, asshole. I will lay you out.”
His eyes widened and he shoved against my chest. I wrapped an arm around his and shoved back, sending us tumbling to the floor. My mom screamed and jumped out of the way as we rolled around together exchanging blows. By the time she got us separated, my lip was bloodied and my dad’s eye was swelling and turning purple. I smiled, happy he would finally wear a badge of abuse from me.
“Eric, look what you did!” My mom grabbed his face and inspected the damage.
I touched my lip, pulling back my fingers and examining the smeared blood. “Yeah, it’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.”
“I want you out of my house,” my dad shouted, struggling to catch his breath.
“It’s my house, too,” I yelled back as my eyes met my mother’s, but she looked to the ground and all I could do was nod.
My dad took a step closer to me, his cold eyes locked onto mine. “The wrong son died that day.”
It hurt worse than any physical blow, and I almost buckled at the pain that ripped through my heart. It was one
thing to think it about myself, but to hear my own father say it killed me inside.
“Fuck you both,” I spat angrily as I shoved by him and out the door.
I gave up on trying to get some sleep as the sun rose outside my window. I moved around my room, getting ready for the day. I felt empty and spinning out of control. I wanted to see her, to look her in the eye and know that last night had really happened. That the look in her eyes and the love in her voice as she sang to me were real.
I had no reason to knock on her door and it would only raise suspicion in Derek, not that I would mind seeing the look on his face as I pulled Sarah into my arms and pressed my lips against hers.
I stepped out of my hotel room and walked down the hallway, feeling as if I were walking to my execution. I glanced to her door, knowing she was just on the other side, curled up in his arms. I forced my feet to keep moving until I reached Donna’s door.
She answered after my second knock, wearing a silky, pink robe that fell midthigh. She stepped back to let me in without saying a word, her smile faltering as she saw my expression. I didn’t know what I was doing here. Given the way everything had changed between Donna and me, I knew I couldn’t talk to her about Sarah, but I couldn’t be alone, either. I didn’t trust myself.
“What’s wrong?” She closed the door and wrapped her arms around her waist.
“I think I need to leave, get away for a while.” I leaned back against the kitchen counter as I stared at the floor between us. She took a step closer but stopped as she looked me over.
“Is this because of me?”
“No.” I shook my head. “This is because of me. I just need to spend some time . . . alone.” All I did was fuck up everyone’s life that I came in contact with. I was meant to be on my own.
She nodded, but didn’t respond.
“I feel like I’m losing myself.”
“E . . . I’m sorry I kissed you. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’m your manager, your friend . . . I shouldn’t let things get so complicated.”
I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around her body. “Don’t. You don’t need to apologize.” I rested my chin on top of her head as I closed my eyes. “You are one of my closest friends.” I pulled back, placing a hand on either side of her face as I looked her in the eye. “I can’t lose you.” I pressed my lips to her forehead as she sighed, and her hands came up to wrap around mine.
“I’m not going anywhere, E. And neither are you. I won’t let you leave. You don’t run away from your problems.”
I smiled down at her. I wanted to tell her how wrong she was. Running is exactly what I did. I’ve been running most of my life.
“It’s gotten too hard.” I shook my head.
“That’s what she said.” A proud smile spread across her face.
I let out a genuine laugh as I pulled her in for another hug, rubbing my hand over her back. “That is why I love you.” My laugh died in my throat as her body stiffened from my words. I silently cursed myself as I gave her a squeeze and took a step back. I shouldn’t have used that word with Donna, especially given what I meant by it. I knew her trust issues ran deep, and I was only going to make things between us more complicated. I loved her as a friend, deeply, but that would never be what she needed or wanted.
I ran my hand over my messy hair as I watched her. “Let’s get out of this hotel and go do something normal.”
Her smile returned and she nodded before slipping into her bathroom to change her clothes. I sat on the edge of her bed, leaning on my knees as I waited for her to come out.
She emerged a few minutes later in jeans and a white tank top, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. “Where are we going?” she asked with a smile.
“Wherever you want.” I pushed to my feet and walked over to the door, opening it for her. She stepped out and stopped as our eyes landed on Terry and Chris, who were in the hall chatting animatedly about the strippers from last night.
“Where are you two off to?” Chris asked playfully. I rolled my eyes and looked to Donna.
“Um . . . I was thinking about the zoo.” She glanced back at me to see if I approved.
“Sounds good to me.” I nodded at Terry as I continued by toward the elevator with Donna in front of me.
“Enjoy your date,” Terry called after us, and I stuck my middle finger in the air as the elevator doors opened and we slipped inside.
I leaned against the back wall as I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“I didn’t think it was a date,” she said nervously.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Call it what you want. Those guys are just assholes. Don’t let them get to you.” The doors opened and we stepped out into the lobby. I placed my arm over her shoulders as we stepped out into the entirely too bright world. I flagged down a cab that quickly pulled along the curb for us. I opened the door and made a sweeping gesture for her to get in.
“Lockwood Zoo,” I told the cabdriver as he pulled out into traffic as I relaxed against the seat.
“You have fun last night?” Donna asked, and I could feel her eyes on me.
I nodded and looked out the window as I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to talk about last night, about how I had managed to spend some alone time with Sarah. It just didn’t feel right to bring it up to her anymore, and it was too painful to think about. The line between friendship and relationship had become blurry with Donna. I knew she was trusting me more, but my heart belonged to only one person.
“You?” I asked, still not looking at her.
“It was fun. Nice to spend some time without a bunch of drunk guys around.” She giggled.
“That what I am to you?” I put my hand over my heart, pretending to be offended.
“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, I get it. That’s why I want to get away. Step outside this box we live in.”
“You ever think of what you would be doing if you weren’t in the band?”
“I, uh . . . I think I would have made a good soldier.” I glanced over at Donna, whose mouth was open. “What? You don’t think I could do it?”
“I can’t picture you taking orders from anyone.” She shook her head, clearly amused.
“You want to do what?” My father was clearly not amused.
“The army would be good for me. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your country.”
“How do expect to do that, Eric? You think they let any screwup with a record in?” He flipped the page of his newspaper, not even bothering to look up at me.
“I can explain what happened. I’m a minor. In a few months I’ll be an adult and I can go off to basic. It would get me out of here.”
I hated how much it bothered me that they wanted me gone, but I hoped it would be a good selling point.
“You would just screw that up, too. The army is for men, not boys.”
“Maybe if my father took the time to teach me how to be a man, I wouldn’t be such a fucking disappointment!” The air left my lungs as my father’s eyes locked on to mine.
“What did you say to me? You think you can screw up your life and blame it on me?” He pushed up from his chair, the newspaper falling to the ground. I widened my stance and braced myself for the inevitable blow to come. It was too late to back down now.
“Not everything is my fault.” I yelled, hoping my voice sounded confident. “I want to be a good person. If I could join, I could make you proud.”
“It’s too late for that,” he said with a sneer and turned to leave me standing alone, ready for a fight.
I shook the memory from my mind and tucked my arm behind my head as my lack of sleep began to hit me. “Yeah, I guess I would have a little trouble with that.” I loved how easy our conversations were. I didn’t have to try with Donna, we could just hang out, and we got each other.
We pulled into the zoo parking lot and I thanked the driver and paid him the fare. I slipped out onto the sidewalk and stretched as I waited
for Donna to join me.
“I haven’t been to a zoo in years.” She was beaming from ear to ear as her eyes danced over the entrance.
“I can’t ever remember being to one.” I pushed the thought of my childhood into the back of my mind.
“Even better. New memories.” She looped her arm in mine and pulled me toward the ticket counter.
We made our way down the bamboo-lined paths as I held her hand in mine.
“ ‘They are pink because of what they eat,’ ” Donna said, reading the sign to the flamingo exhibit. “So glad humans aren’t that way.”
I pulled her into my side and lightly kissed the top of her head. “You’d be adorable pink,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes. The carefree Donna that usually only emerged when she had a few drinks was out to play, and I loved that she felt so comfortable around me right now. Everything suddenly felt so normal, for the first time since . . . since I could remember.
“Be thankful. I don’t even want to think of what color you would be because you’re so full of shit,” she joked.
I hugged her tightly into my side as I laughed. “Jesus, you’ve been hanging around the guys too long.”
“It’s nice being just the two of us.”
I was taken aback by her comment but it was the truth. It was easier. Being around her took away the stress that had been piling up since Sarah had showed up at the wedding.
As we made our way to the macaws, she laughed as I flapped my arms trying to get them to mimic my movements. “You don’t strike me as a bird guy.”
“No? I could be a bird guy,” I said as I looked over at her, unable to hide my content smile. Donna was like a bird. She was quick to take off if anyone got too close. Everything was a danger to her, but for some reason she trusted me and I didn’t take that lightly.
SARAH
I COULDN’T EAT AS I stared across the table at the twins. Derek was beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. I wanted to move away from him but I already felt guilty enough. I tried to convince myself that all I had done was hug E, but I knew it was more than that, at least to me.
“What do you want to do today, babe?” Derek asked.