I don’t care about the rubber bands, so there.
“Keefer, I didn’t have a mother, either,” Miss Tyson said. I hate when teachers do this, but I sort of liked her because she didn’t treat me like a one-year-old. I was a brat, she said. She ran away two times. She smoked cigarettes when she was eleven. Like I care! You can get away with a lot when people feel sorry for you, Miss Tyson goes. But you don’t really get away with anything because you can’t get away from yourself. LECTURE! Then she told me about the bread in the waters, which was more interesting. If you put bread on the water, it will come back to you threefold, she goes. I was like eight, at the time, a lot younger, so Hugh and I actually tried this. Now I know she meant, the bad things you do will come back and be worse. My dad said the law of karma was horse you-know-what. But it makes sense to me.
So, after I was killed for the Mothball cards, my dad came to school. We had a conference. I was sitting there when Miss Tyson told me who she was. I think my dad already could tell because he was staring when he came into the room. She is pretty. She is a babe. She has a textured cut. She said, “I am your cousin Alex.”
I thought, right.
But she told me all about it. She did not know I went to this school, but Uncle Craig used to be her stepfather. Her real father’s name is Jack. He is pretty nice, but he is not the marrying kind. After Delia died, she went back to live with Jack. They were bachelors, like my dad and me, except with a log cabin.
Okay! Miss Tyson used to practically be my sister! That was where all the Barbies came from. I still have all her Barbies. I’m too old for Barbies. But they’re from the olden time and they could be worth something someday, my grandma Nye says. Grandma Nye has all her dolls from when she was little. The one with no arms is the most valuable.
We called up my grandma. My grandma, my dad’s mother, that is. We both got on the extension. My dad was like, Can you believe this? It’s Alexis! Then we called up my uncle Craig. My dad said, can you believe this? He said more than that, actually. Unprintable. I said, why didn’t Uncle Craig know where she was all the time? My dad said he knew she was in Madison but not at my school. And he would not have known unless I got in so much trouble all the time.
I had a dream and I remembered when Alex and I took baths.
Dad asked Miss Tyson over to dinner and made the broccoli pasta, which is the only thing he can cook practically, but it’s good for cancer. My dad probably cooked once in my whole life besides this time. When I was just little, like three, we had takeout every day. One time, he tried to give me some fried rice and he said it was Thai, but I said, this is not Thai, this is Chinese. My dad tells everybody this story, so why not you, too?
Hugh’s mother had a disease. So did my mother, but she was killed when she fell from the bridge. They were different diseases. I used to think I killed her when I was a baby, by accident. Hugh actually did kill his mother, but it wasn’t his fault. She died from complications. She had a fat artery in her brain. They had to have her on a breathing machine, but just breathing didn’t get her better. Her brain was blown out. She would have been a vegetable. My uncle had two babies all of a sudden, me and Hugh, because my dad couldn’t have me until they went to court and said he was in his right mind.
Alex went back to live with her dad and after a while she grew up. I never saw her again until now.
It’s confusing!
Then she went to college in Madison, but we never saw her, because she lived on the east side. Also, we didn’t have her phone number. She lived right near the guy who makes the sculptures out of car motor parts. So, I got in kindergarten. I used to call my dad by his first name. It was embarrassing. Alaya asked me why. I said because my dad used to be my uncle.
I mean it!
My dad and my mom were brothers and sisters. She adopted him when he was a little baby. And then, my dad adopted me when she died. Not exactly. After Delia died. Which is Hugh’s mother, except that she is dead. First they lived right by us, behind the Orange Tree store. Now, they live in Oregon. Not the state, the town! Oregon, Wisconsin. My dad used to live there when I was a baby, but now we can’t afford to. My uncle Craig sells Jeeps. We can’t afford one! Hugh says he is going to get a horse, which is a total lie. He came over all the time to cook out. We went to see the Brewers. They stink. We went to Colorado rafting with Aunt Lindsay and Uncle Tim. They’re the Upchurches. Two high churches. Uncle Tim always says he’s going to steal me. But now they are having a baby so he won’t have to. He has a dog named Taxi. My aunt Lindsay was in love with my father. My dad has a weakness for red-haired girls. But they were too young. When she got old enough, her and Tim got married. They lived in the same town. And we lived in Madison. My dad had to move to Madison to take care of me. That was how Hugh and me got to be friends, though he is only a kid. Eight. We have a big picture of me and my dad with the cake. It says, Keefer, All Ours. There was this big part grabbed out of the cake, which I did, because I was two. I got to go to Florida by myself when I was six. My grandpa Ray let me drive the golf cart. Alone. My grandma M. and Auntie Nora came down and got me for the honeymoon. They went to Ecuador. Now I can go there all summer, not Ecuador, but Tall Trees, if I want. I’m old enough. My grandpa M. taught me how to burn things with the magnifying glass, though it was Hugh who burned up the recycling. We were both killed then. He used hairspray. I said, don’t, Hugh!
WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU ARE UNDER SEVENTEEN!
The next time I got sent out in school was over Hugh’s weenie. I was not in trouble for weeks. I had this idea. Everyone in third grade wanted to see a weenie. Big deal. So I would split the fifty cents with Hugh. Fifty cents for one look. It was a pretty good deal. Hugh was only in first grade. Hugh actually has a pretty big one for a little kid because I have seen two others. I won’t say who, but their initials are D. R. and M. P. That’s all I’ll say.
Now, I’m back.
This next part is the exciting part. Alex was in transition. My dad was stuck up in the air. Then he went to Chicago. Okay, Alex was telling him on the phone, should I hold my legs together or something? It was snowing. I knew I would not even be able to go to school on Wednesday because we would probably get a snow day, which we have not even had one yet. It is global warming.
I forgot one part. Somebody, I will not reveal who, but it is Sarah Tanaka, told that we were selling looks at Hugh’s weenie. I’m back in Miss Tyson’s office. She says it is inappropriate. She says it is sex. I say, no, it is not sex, it is biology. I say, my dad is a biology professor, almost. She says, I know all about your dad.
Uncle Craig comes to school. I can tell he puts all the blame on me. He thinks Hugh is perfect because his mom died.
They got married when I caught them. My dad and Alex. I knew she was going to come over.
I threw up at Zoe Palisio’s house and I wanted to GO HOME. Zoe’s dad drove me home, and he had a new car. He gave me a towel to put my face in and he drove fast, and he said, run in, when we got to my house. Grandpa M. says dad is the nutty professor. He doesn’t lock the door. So I did. Okay! There they were, no shirts. They didn’t freak out. My dad said, are you sick, Kee? And I said, I’m sicker than a dog, Daddy. After I was in first grade, I said, are you my daddy? And he said, yepadep, no daddy except this daddy. So, I started calling him Daddy. I used to call him Dory. It was my baby name for him. We still don’t have the same last name, but lots of kids don’t. So, they were laying in the bed, my dad said, okay, Missy, get out of here. And I went out in the hall. He said, I love Alex. I’m like, duh.
She was dating a professional baseball player. Okay. They had to break up. A Madison Mudhen. That is almost a professional. They get paid. When my dad had to come to school like the hundredth time, he said, oh, what is his name? Alex said, Bob. They’re all Bob. My dad says, oh yeah? She had to break up with the baseball guy, but she still plays baseball. The first time she came over to dinner, my dad had been at his softball game and he smelled, and Alex
said, go take a shower. Dad said, I play hard. Slow pitch? Alex asked him. He said, yeah, do you ever play? Fast pitch, she said. My dad said, yeah?
My uncle Mike says my dad is robbing the cradle, but they are really only ten years apart. My dad just looks really old because of his glasses.
Let’s get back to the baby. The doctor looks at me, and he says, who is this child? Alex says, she is my kid, Keefer Kathryn Nye. The doctor says, okay. He says Miss McKenna, don’t try to push until I tell you. I say, she’s a Mrs. McKenna. Alex says, don’t be scared, Keefer, because if I scream, it’s okay. Well, she SCREAMED! I ran out in the hall. Then, I had to get sterilized again. I thought I would puke. Then I thought I would faint. I washed my face in the bathroom. The nurse, Jennifer, said, do you want to go back in?
K. K. N: Yes. Is the baby here yet?
JENNIFER: Pretty soon now.
ALEX: Christ, to hell, I’m dying. Damn!
We go back in. The doctor says, I see hair. I see pretty red hair. Push, Mrs. McKenna. Push. Push. Alex’s face is totally purple. There’s guts all over the place. Push, push. I think they are going to pop Alex’s head off, but she says, between screaming, Don’t be scared, Keefer. Don’t be scared.
Wait a minute!
There’s the baby!
She pops out like boom! She’s very strong.
She’s not that gross. The slime is natural. She’s so big. She’s like a big baby like Zoe’s baby brother, only she’s just a little born baby. The nurse Jennifer says, Big sister! Can you hold the baby? Oh, they let me hold the baby, my sister baby. I did not care about the blood. I kissed her right on the mouth. She sneezed! I was so sick of being a bachelor. Alex is all sweaty, but they wash her up. I let them have the baby so they can wash her up. We call grandma M. and she says, I can’t stand this! There’s like three hundred inches of snow outside this house. In Tall Trees. I come from up north. I asked Alex if we could call Lindsay and Tim and my grandma Nye and her dad in North Carolina. All we got to call was her dad. Then she says, I’m going to sleep, how about you? I couldn’t sleep. I was so excited. Alex says, Honey, find something to read. Don’t turn on the TV. I just watch the lights. The lights are smooshed under the snow. No cars. Well, one car. Just the pizza car.
I was not sad. I was glad the baby had a mom of her own. I wanted my dad. I started thinking he might have a plane crash. It was a little creepy. I took some change out of Alex’s purse and went to the vending machines. They had Pringles in little small cans. I like sour cream best.
I went back.
Alex wakes up to feed the baby from her boobs, sick. The baby already knows how to eat. She’s very smart. Alex says, shnikeys, I’m a mother, what do you think of that? Then she says, Kee, I’m your mother, too. I said, stepmother. She said, no, I’m your mother because I take you as my child, like in the wedding. You don’t have another mother so I don’t have to share you. I said, well, you could adopt me, too. She said, can I sleep overnight first? She shut her eyes and told me she did not have a mother either. I told her to just use my grandma, because my grandma doesn’t have a daughter. Get up here in bed with us, she says, go to sleep. We all fit.
My dad woke me up. I was dreaming about this swimming pool in the jungle where all the mermaid babies played.
I said, did we get a snow day? He says, yeah! We are going to name the baby right now. I’ll have to get back to you in a minute.
They had sort of a fight about it. My dad liked Georgia or Elizabeth. Who is Elizabeth? says Alex.
Then she said, No, she is Dory. Dory Delia McKenna. She said remember? He didn’t remember. Then she says, about once there was a little girl who could not say her father’s name. She thinks I don’t remember what this means. But I do. They told me this story like one hundred times, about Georgia.
It is a kind of okay name though.
D. D. M.
and K. K. N.
My dad cries his head off. He is such a goofer. Why cry? Dory weighs nine pounds. My dad says, I have too many girls to love in my house. Ridiculous. I need a boy now, Dad says. Get over yourself, Alex says.
My dad says he is taking me home. Aunt Nora is already here. I said, what, has she got a one-horse open sleigh? But my dad says Aunt Nora could drive a dog team. I don’t want to leave. Actually, I am pretty mad. After this whole medical emergency, okay! Good-bye, Keefer! But he sort of squeezes my arm hard. I yelled, ouch. The nurse Jennifer comes back in. Are we okay in here? It serves him right. She gave me this “I’m the Big Sister” T-shirt. It’s okay looking. It’s a little small. Most of the big sisters are babies. Alex says it’s a crop top. The nurse says, she is the prettiest baby in the whole place. You are all redheads. I’m not a redhead except in summer. My dad says you both have to have the gene. Alex says, no, you don’t. My dad says, yes, sweetheart, you do. That’s my dad! Mr. Bossy!
We had to get going. The nurse Jennifer brings in our baby, all cleaned up. We had a bath, she says. Dad says, hurry up, Keefer, you are always the last one out. I say, I just want to see something once. Alex puts the baby down in the baby holder. She is sleeping. But she’s smiling in her sleep. Her mouth goes up and down, up and down. She’s thinks she’s eating her dinner.
Dad says, don’t wake her up, but I kiss her anyhow. I say, Kiss me so you don’t miss me. Dad just stands there in the door. He turns around and looks out in the hall. Then he comes over and just picks me up and puts my head under his coat. He carries me all the way to the car, which he will never do, even when I was little and totally had cramps in my legs at the mall.
This is five pages, at least, both sides.
The End
May 24, 2000
Oregon, Wisconsin
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jacquelyn Mitchard is the critically acclaimed New York Times bestselling author of The Deep End of the Ocean and The Most Wanted. She is also the author of The Rest of Us: Dispatches From the Mother Ship, a collection of her long-running syndicated column. She lives outside of Madison, Wisconsin with her husband and five children.
CREDITS
Jacket design by Roberto De Vicq
Jacket Photo by Liz & Heff Hoene/Stone
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Table of Contents
E PIGRAPH
C HAPTER one
C HAPTER two
C HAPTER three
C HAPTER four
C HAPTER five
C HAPTER six
C HAPTER seven
C HAPTER eight
C HAPTER nine
C HAPTER ten
C HAPTER eleven
C HAPTER twelve
C HAPTER thirteen
C HAPTER fourteen
C HAPTER fifteen
C HAPTER sixteen
C HAPTER seventeen
C HAPTER e
ighteen
C HAPTER nineteen
C HAPTER twenty
C HAPTER twenty-one
C HAPTER twenty-two
A BOUT THE A UTHOR
C REDITS
P ERFECT B OUND E -B OOKS
Jacquelyn Mitchard, A Theory of Relativity
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