I pressed my face tighter against my knees. “Why, Allen?” I whispered even though I knew there’d be no answer.
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. I was shivering as I dried off and decided on my favorite robe instead of clothes. It was big and soft, the same cobalt blue as my eyes, and best of all, it was warm.
My stomach growled and I realized that it was almost six o’clock, but I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I headed downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. That, plus a cold beer, went a long way to making me almost feel better.
I was just finishing up both when I heard a noise from the front of the house. I grabbed the house phone from the counter and headed towards the living room. With its big picture window, I’d be able to see enough to know if I should call the police. My fingers were on the buttons when I saw the tall, shadowy figure, but a moment later, I recognized him and I dropped the phone onto the couch.
I flung the door open and was halfway down the steps before I remembered that I wasn’t wearing shoes. I didn’t care.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Jasper froze. He’d been walking back to his car, I saw now. If I’d waited just a few more minutes, he would’ve left. For a moment, I almost wished I had. He slowly turned and I saw he had a bouquet of flowers in his hands.
“What are those?” My mouth was suddenly dry.
“Whenever Allen screwed up, he said he’d buy you lilies because that was the first flower he’d ever bought for you.”
I folded my arms across my chest as a pain went through me. Jasper came towards me, holding out the flowers. They weren’t lilies, I saw with some relief. Then my eyes narrowed as he came close enough for me to identify what they were.
“Lisianthus,” he said. “I remembered that these were your favorite.”
I automatically reached out to accept them. It was a beautiful arrangement, rich purple flowers mixed with white baby’s breath.
“You remembered?” I whispered as I lightly touched the petals. Lisianthus resembled tulips and weren’t the usual kind of flowers women expected.
“You mentioned once that they had been your mom’s favorite too.”
I’d mentioned. Mentioned. And he remembered. Tears pricked at my eyelids. Allen had known that too and had gotten them for me on occasion, but the lilies had been a thing between us, special in their own way. Jasper hadn’t tried to take that from me, but had brought me what he remembered I liked.
“Will you please let me explain?” There was a note of near-desperation in his voice.
I looked up, but twilight had fallen and Jasper’s face was shadowed.
“Please, Shae. You can kick me out after and I’ll never bother you again. Just let me explain.”
My heart twisted at the thought of never seeing Jasper again. Of never knowing. I was still angry with him, but I knew I needed to hear what he had to say. He was the only one who could provide me with any kind of answers, even if they weren’t the ones I wanted.
“Come in.” I shivered as a gust of wind blew across us.
I went back inside, going straight for the kitchen without a glance behind to see if he was following. I got a vase from one of the bottom cabinets and filled it with water. When I turned back around, Jasper was standing there, his hands shoved into his pockets, a haggard expression on his face.
“Let’s go sit,” I said, carrying the vase with me back into the living room. He followed without a word, waiting until I’d sat down in one of the chairs before taking a seat on the couch.
“What I did...” he began and then shook his head. “I knew he was sick. I’m the one who sent him to the specialists. And yes, I kept it from you.” He looked up at me. “Because Allen asked me to.”
“I knew that already.” My nails were digging into my palms, every muscle in my body tense.
“He didn’t want you to pity him.”
I blinked. “What?”
Jasper leaned forward in his chair. “Allen loved you more than anything and he didn’t want you to pity him. That’s why he asked me to keep it from you. It’s a horrible disease, Shae.” His voice caught and he cleared his throat. “I didn’t want to see my friend like that, and I knew he didn’t want you to see him that way.”
“He was my husband, Jasper. That wasn’t your decision to make.” The words came out more sharply than I’d intended.
“You’re right,” he agreed. “But he asked me to. And I’m a doctor, Shae. I couldn’t do it, personally or professionally.”
“Fuck profession,” I snapped. I could feel the tears again and tried to force them back. “I thought you were my friend. You said you were. But you sat here and lied to me every day. You let me think it was an accident.”
“I didn’t know,” he said quietly. “He asked me to keep his illness from you, and he asked me to give him old medical records from before the diagnosis. I suspected he wanted it because of insurance, but I didn’t ask.”
“So you weren’t surprised when I got that call?”
He hesitated and then shook his head. “Not really.” He looked down at his hands. “And that’s when I started to suspect what he’d done.”
“You knew.”
“Not for sure, no. He didn’t tell me what he was planning, I swear. It wasn’t until afterwards that I thought it was possible.”
“But you still didn’t tell me.”
He looked up and I almost winced at the pain in his eyes. “Of course not. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“So you just let me think that it was an accident.”
He stood suddenly and came over to where I was sitting. He dropped to his knees in front of me. His hands covered mine. Part of me wanted to pull away, but a bigger part didn’t.
“What good would it have done to tell you what I suspected?” he asked. His hands tightened around mine. “You were hurting so badly, and Allen’s family was being...” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
“Couldn’t tell me the truth?” I didn’t want him to have a noble reason, didn’t want to forgive him. I wanted to be angry because it was easier than being hurt, because he was here and Allen wasn’t.
“I couldn’t be the one to tell you what Allen had done.” He turned his head away, but I could still see emotions play across his face. “I was afraid.”
Something had shifted in our conversation and I didn’t know where it was going next.
“Afraid of what?” I asked.
He was so quiet that I thought he wasn’t going to answer, but when he finally did, his words were so soft that I almost missed them.
“I was afraid that you’d hate me and I’d lose you. I’d just lost Allen. I couldn’t...I’m sorry. It was selfish and wrong.”
Images flashed through my mind. Jasper giving me strength at Allen’s funeral. Standing with me against the Lockwoods. Holding my hand in court. The blurry day I’d gotten heat stroke. How he’d dropped everything the day of the fire. Tending to my feet. The way he’d looked at me when I’d called him only Allen’s friend. Just before I’d kissed him.
He started to stand, but I grabbed his hands, pulling him back down onto his knees. He looked at me, startled.
I needed to hear him say it.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Jasper?” I asked. My fingers tightened around his hands. “The whole truth this time.”
“I couldn’t hurt you like that, Shae.” He gave me a sad smile. “I care about you too much.”
It was suddenly hard to breathe. I’d known it. Of course I had.
He laughed, the sound bitter. “And I fucked it up anyway, didn’t I? I wanted to protect you. Take care of you. And I’m the one who hurt you.” He pulled his hands away from mine and stood. “I won’t do it again.”
He took a step and then stopped when I spoke.
“Then don’t.”
He didn’t look at me, but he didn’t keep going either.
“Don’t leave me.”
r />
Chapter 3
“Shae?”
My name was so much more than a question.
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
He turned then and his eyes were blazing. “You’ll never lose me, Shae.” He went to his knees in front of me again and reached out to cup my face between his hands. “Please forgive me.”
I put one hand over his. It wasn’t even a question. “Forgiven.”
His entire body slumped in relief. He leaned forward until his forehead rested against mine. “I was so scared that you would never forgive me.” He pushed my wet hair back from my face. “I thought for sure you’d think last night...” His voice trailed off and he suddenly pulled back. “I shouldn’t have...I mean....”
“Jas.” I reached out and put my hand on his cheek. When my thumb brushed against his bottom lip, he sucked in a breath. “Stop talking.”
He swallowed hard and I could feel the tension in his body.
“You said that you wanted to take care of me.” My heart was racing, but I knew that only part of it was from nerves.
“Yes.”
I leaned forward until my lips barely brushed against his. “Then take care of me.”
“Shae,” he groaned my name, but didn’t move.
“Unless you don’t want...” I started to pull back, wondering if it was possible I’d misread him.
He surged forward, cutting off the rest of what I’d planned on saying. Whatever those words had been flew out of my head as his mouth covered mine. He buried his fingers in my hair, his teeth scraping at my bottom lip. He parted my lips, his tongue curling around mine. There was none of the hesitation from last night. He claimed my mouth with a need that made my entire body glow.
My head fell back as he kissed his way down my neck. Then his hands were pushing aside my robe, fingers leaving trails of heat across my skin. My nipples hardened as the cool air caressed me and I shivered. Then his mouth was on me, hot and wet as his tongue teased my nipple. My back arched as pleasure went straight through me.
Everything I’d been feeling, worrying about, all of it disappeared. I knew it’d be back, but for right now, it was gone. All I felt was the heat of Jasper’s mouth and hands, the feel of his skin sliding over mine. All I knew was that I loved the way he made me feel.
He released my nipple and kissed his way down my stomach until he was pulling my legs over his shoulders and leaning down to press his mouth against me. I let out a sound halfway between a wail and a moan as his tongue moved over my pussy. His fingers tightened on my hips, holding me still as he kissed me with the same possessive enthusiasm he’d used on my mouth earlier.
“Jas,” I called out his name as I came for the first time. He slid his fingers inside me even as my body was still spasming. I made a half-strangled sound as he began to thrust them in a slow and steady rhythm.
“Come on, baby,” he murmured. He flicked out his tongue against my clit. “Come for me again.”
“Jas,” I breathed his name this time. His name. A surreal feeling washed over me and I expected guilt to follow. Guilt that his name came so easily to my lips.
But I didn’t feel guilty. I just felt glad that he was here. Happy that this man hadn’t left me. That he cared about me.
“Just breathe.” He pressed his lips against the inside of my thigh. “Let go, Shae. I’ve got you.”
He curled his fingers, easily finding that spot inside me. My back arched as he pressed against it and white spots danced behind my eyes.
“I’ve got you, baby.”
He sucked my clit into his mouth even as he rubbed the tips of his fingers against me. I buried my hand in his hair as my body tightened with another orgasm. I cried out as I came, writhing against his hand and mouth as he kept working me through a climax that left every inch of me throbbing.
My head was still spinning when he picked me up. My arms went around his neck and I rested my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of him, the smell of antiseptic from work, of his laundry detergent and fabric softener. The scent that was simply Jasper.
A lump formed in my throat as I realized I couldn’t remember what Allen had smelled like. I knew the detergent, the fabric softener. I knew the smell of the vineyard. But I couldn’t remember the part that was just him.
I turned my face away as Jasper placed me on my bed. I didn’t want him to see the tears and think he’d caused them. The lighting was dim enough that I thought it would work, but I hadn’t realized how much he truly saw.
“Shae.” Jasper’s voice was soft as he cupped my chin and turned my face back towards him.
I hadn’t realized I’d started crying until I felt him wiping away my tears. And then he was gathering me into his arms, pulling me back against his chest. He tucked my robe more tightly around me and pressed his lips against my temple.
“I’m sorry, Shae.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I sniffled.
“Then what is it?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t talk about it. Not with him.
“It’s okay, Shae.” His hand slid beneath my robe to rest on my stomach. There was nothing sexual about his touch now, only comfort. “You can talk to me about anything.” His fingers made soothing circles on my stomach. “Even Allen. It’s okay.”
“I don’t want to talk right now.” I twisted my head around so I could see him. “Please, Jasper.”
“Whatever you want.” He tucked some hair behind my ear. “I’m here.”
I turned in his arms and put my hand on his face. The stubble on his cheek was rough against my palm. I didn’t know what this thing was between us, or even if I wanted to define it, but there was one thing I needed to be clear about.
“I want you.” I slid my hand down his chest and cupped him. He was so hard that it had to be painful, and yet I knew he’d walk away if I asked him to.
“Are you sure?” The words were strained.
I didn’t bother with an answer. Not a verbal one anyway. I unzipped his pants and slipped my hand inside. His long eyelashes fluttered as I wrapped my fingers around him. Heat spread through me and I began to stroke him. He swelled even more under my touch and my stomach twisted. I hadn’t realized just how much I wanted him until now.
I hooked my leg over his waist, shifting until the tip of his cock brushed against me.
“Shae,” he groaned my name as he put his hands on my shoulders. “We need...”
I shook my head. “No. It’s okay.” I slid the head inside me and we both moaned. “Please.”
His lips found mine. “Anything,” he breathed the word before he kissed me.
He pushed his hips up, burying himself inside me. I was still wet from what he’d done before and he slid into me easily. I clutched him to me as our bodies moved together. The kiss became hard and fierce, his teeth nipping at my bottom lip. The base of his cock rubbed against my clit, sending near-painful shivers of sensation through me. I whimpered, biting down on his lip.
Jasper made a sound low in his throat and then he was flipping us, driving hard and deep into me until I exploded. My nails dug into the back of his shirt, clawing at the material. He pressed his face against the side of my neck, teeth worrying at the skin until I knew he was leaving a mark. I didn’t care though. I just wanted him.
And then he was coming too, his cock pulsing and emptying inside me.
At some point, we disentangled and cleaned up, but Jasper didn’t say that he needed to go, and I didn’t ask him to stay. Instead, we slid under the covers and he wrapped his arms around me, neither of us having to say a word to know that we both needed to be held.
Finally, I broke the silence. “I can’t accept the money, Jas.”
“It’s okay.” He pulled me tighter to him.
We were both naked and the feel of his skin against mine warmed me in a way that had nothing to do with temperature. And it wasn’t sex either, at least not right now. He warmed something inside me that had been
frozen since Allen died.
“I don’t want to do that to you,” I said.
“It doesn’t matter, Shae. I’ll get the money for the clinic some other way. I’ve been saving for it. I’ll just keep on that plan.” He kissed the spot under my ear that made me shiver. “You do whatever you need to do.”
We fell silent again. My fingers traced patterns on his arm and I just let myself relax. Relax into his embrace, into his body. I could feel his heartbeat against my back, feel him breathing.
“I wish I hadn’t thrown away my pictures,” I spoke softly, not really expecting an answer.
“You didn’t,” he murmured. His voice was thick with sleep. “I put them in my car. But most of your frames were fucked.” He kissed my temple. “It’s all okay.”
“You saved my pictures?” I looked over my shoulder, but Jasper’s face was turned away. I waited for a moment, listening. He was asleep.
He’d saved my pictures. I put my hands on his, tracing each long, strong finger. I’d had these fingers inside me, pleasuring me, and I’d had them gentle and healing on me. He was so many things I’d never expected. How had I not seen this side of him before?
I pushed away all of the confusing thoughts that were threatening to crowd in and ruin this. I wasn’t going to read too much into things, wasn’t going to start wondering what this meant. I didn’t need to analyze whatever this was. If Jasper wasn’t asking me to define what we were, I didn’t need to press the issue myself. I needed to just let things be right now. No pressure. I needed one thing in my life that wasn’t complex, wasn’t complicated. I needed something easy and reassuring.
Jasper was that. He didn’t try to make me think about things. He just made me feel. Feel something other than anger and hurt. He made me feel alive and made me forget everything else. He was here for me, and I never wanted to lose that. I never wanted to lose him.
I swallowed hard at the realization. I’d never expected him to mean so much to me, but there it was. It was probably crazy and way too soon. It was probably a horrible idea.
But it was too late. We could slow things down, but what had happened between us over the last two days changed everything.