“L'enfer, c'est les autres” (Hell is other people) – Jean-Paul Satre
With an echoed slam the hydraulics sealed shut. It shuddered the entire shelter, rattling objects from shelves and wits from people. We were trapped. Trapped in a cage of our own design and, at last, we were safe.
That was four months ago. Of course it could have been weeks or months. It could have even been years. There are no clocks here, no calendars, nothing to remind us of the outside. 'Detrimental to the collective psyche,' they told us, 'better for everyone this way,' they told us. I'll tell you what's detrimental to the collective psyche; rotten, stinking bread and a three by six cell. But the water, oh, that deadly sweet water.
Bose drank himself up enough to slit ear to ear in the first week. Or was it month? I don't remember.
Now the water look all pretty, don't you think? Pretty in pink and tasting funny, but I don't drink it. My old Nein told me don't never drink nothing that tastes funny. I found the rain leaks, though, fresh and bland like it should be. Harry calls me stupid, Lily calls me dumb. They like the pretty water, they say it makes them feel good, makes them relax, makes them fun, but I'm not fun. I tried some a while back but I think it turned me strange. Nein told me the funny water would make me strange. At least I know why we're in here, the others forgot, forgot about that what happened outside. Or I thought I remembered. I might've never knew. That's it, I never did know what happened outside, but neither did anyone else. If we did we'd be like Bose. Instead we're in here because of it. Sometimes I think they know, know what happened. I hear screams when they're sleeping, mumbled words when they're alone. The others don't hear but I do, I do and so does Anne.
“You're still here, aren't you?” she says to me, “you're not gone like the others?” She don't like the pretty water neither, only she never did. Always from the fresh falling she drank. She must have listened to her Nein more than me. “Don't trust the others. Never trust the others. Their going out of their minds.” Harry called her stupid too, just because she wanted to know what happened to the outside. But I wanted to know too, so I helped her.
“What happened?” I asked her, “what happened to the others? What happened to me?”
She didn't trust that I could keep secrets but she told me anyway. “I don't know why they would do it but they sent us in here with the hope of surviving, only to die because of that damned water. They didn't want us to know what's out there. They just wanted us to die quietly in here.”
I didn't see no meaning to that. No meaning to dying for nothing. “I ain't wanting to die. I don't wanna be no fountain like Bose!”
Anne looked all queer at me, like I wasn't me. “That stuff really messes you up, doesn't it? How much did you have?” I don't understand not half of what she says but I liked she didn't call me stupid. “The water, how much did you drink?”
“I ain't drunk much. Few glasses most, then you showed me fresh falling.”
“Fast acting. It might wear off but-” she ain't never said nothing outright that scared me but I know she thinks the bad things. The bad things for me, the bad things for her. “I need to get to the cistern, take a look at the filtration system. I'm sure I can figure something out, stop things from getting any worse at the very least.” I still never figured what she was saying but it was good, for the good of us. “Most of them are down there, though, drinking themselves to death.” Anne never asked what she didn't need but I never liked when she did any more. “I need a distraction, just get them away from the cistern for a few minutes-”
“Minutes ain't meaning nothing no more.”
“Please, just a little bit. Do you understand?” I got her meaning one time. I ain't liking it but she smiled nice when I nodded.
“Good, just don't annoy them. I'm not overly sure of what they might be capable of.”
The tank weren't no place I wanted to be. Cold, wet, stinking all foul. Ain't no place to sleep either. No place to sleep for so many, not all cut up and slit. Maybe they had a party? All decorated in bright red, streamers and piñatas. I never liked no parties like this one.
“My god, what have they done to each other?” Anne didn't like it no less than me, she couldn't hold her eats.
“I like my parts together.”
“I always liked everything on the inside too,” she looked all sad at me, ain't nothing wrong with being sad. “I still need you to go in there, just a distraction, nothing more. I'll go round the back but don't let them see me...” I wanted a smile so I nodded again and she left. Weren't no one left at the party but Harry, Lily and Wes. Wes looked though he were falling sleep. Ain't no point waking someone, not when he be needing rest to get those arms back.
“Hey, Harry...Lily,” I never been much more scared than that, all scared they ain't liking me.
“Stupid!” I ain't stupid, they're stupid, “stupid! stupid! stupid!” I know I ain't 'cos Anne says so and I be helping her over there.
“I don't want no nasty, jus' wanna talk,” I don't get what Anne be doing but she doing good, I think.
“Talk 'bout you bein' dumb!” don't like Lily, “talk 'bout you bein' stupid!”
I ain't stupid. “You had a party?” Anne gonna be done soon.
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
As I saw that spanner fall, slipping through Annes grip I had a moment of pure clarity. I saw the horror around me, the twisted, scarred faces of those before me, the state of my own hands, filthy, scratched and bloodied. Then I heard the clang as the spanner bounced on the ground and my mind fell away again.
“Wha'!” Harry didn't like no one crashing his party. He didn't like no one, specially if it was Anne. I never seen no one move like that before, pushing her down. I never liked no screaming. It got changed when he pushed down on her neck. Don't like no gargle scream, ain't not a sound I want to hear again. I don't know what gotta happen. He got to stop, that's what gotta happen. I gotta make him stop. Sharps in their hands make them sleep. I gotta guess sharp make him sleep too. Quiet sharp through the air, sleeping, sleeping, got to rest. Such a pretty fountain, just like Bose. Anne ain't not happy, though, she looking all scared like I'm not me. 'For another time', she'd says, when Lily ran away.
"It's ok..." Anne look like she more scared of the quiet sharp than me. Didn't like it anyway so I threw it away. “Whatever's in the water must be progressive, you're getting worse.” I not liking 'getting worse,' ain't nothing like what it should be. Blurry, dreamy, cloudy eyes. “What just happened is for another time, though. I don't care what's out there, we need to escape. She'll only go and tell the others then we'll end up like the rest of these poor souls.”
“I like out,” not a thought, not a pause, I know what I want.
“That freshwater leak has got to come from somewhere, I'm going to find out where,” Anne thought we would sleep soon, like the others. She didn't like sleeping. My old Nein went to sleep once. I waited but she never woke up. Then we were at fresh falling, I ain't knowing how, blurred eyes made me forget. I think I should sleep soon.
“I knew it!” I liked when Anne was happy, “there is a way out up there, straight to the surface. Hide yourself and wait for me. I'll find safety and come back for you. God willing, I think you're not beyond saving.”
Now I'm alone. I waited for her, did just what she said. Hid behind wooden slits, in the musty cloth. She's still not come for me. I used to see the others stumble by. I don't see anything now, one fell to me, sleeping. They all sleep now and it's time I did too. Hazy, blurry sleep before my eyes, I'm going away.
“No life...”
Eyes open, dark all round. I don't like dark, dark is scary, dark is bad.
“No life anywhere...”
“Anne?” I thought I were sleeping, not a people all around. Pretty water put them all down. Endless time put out the lights.
“Life...”
I fell out the wooden slits, Anne's voice leading, legs don't work no more. Peoples sleeping, sleeping all around but she's still there. That voice in
the dark.
“Life everywhere...Lights in the dark.”
I ain't liking Anne no more. She never scared me like this before.
“Swirling vortex, harrowed skies. Tall as trees, leathered skin. Reaching into the bloodied clouds, impaling spire...Listen...”
I listened. I saw. Eyes like lights in the dark, blurred and moving, tall and pulsed, veins of void. Creeping fingers, touching, touching all, learning, learning me.
Anne's voice failing, it faulted at the last. “They're in...”
In or out, it matters not. My mind is lost and it's time to sleep. Motion carries me, carries me far away, far to solace and safety. I am here but I am gone. A mind so poisoned, poisoned by self, those who we fled take me home. Finally I hear in whispered voice, in wheezing air. Learnt of us they came, knew of us they spoke, “Harm. No Harm.”
The Messenger