Too many questions. Once I was away from the day room, Axel led the way, and I simply followed. I was running away from enemies we couldn’t even see.
It convinced me more than ever that, even though I was terrified, we needed to be here. Blake couldn’t handle this himself.
ROUND TWO
We backtracked to the lobby and then on out to the hot tub and entry deck. It felt like it was nine or ten in the morning still, although I didn’t have a watch to check. The sun was a little stronger, although the breeze that came in from the ocean had picked up.
The deck had become more crowded with new guests. The beach bunnies had moved on somewhere else. No Mr. Smith. An older couple had joined Ethan and Avery. Additional cars were in the parking lot. Crewmen and women zipped by with luggage. The ship was going to be crowded soon with the flow of people starting to board now.
It could have been Mr. Smith who had knocked out Blake. We were in the study long enough for him to walk by.
But then, when I thought about it, it could have been anyone outside of Axel and me. There were a lot of crew members.
And a few of the Academy boys who didn’t like him.
I didn’t want to consider that. They wouldn’t. They might be angry with him but I didn’t think they’d stoop to that. Plus, they knew we needed him.
We walked the deck of the ship in silence together. Now anytime I passed a face, I wondered if he or she could have been involved.
Axel and I started browsing the several guest levels of the ship. It gave us time to get to know the layout more while more people arrived.
As we walked, Axel eventually reached out to hold my hand. At first, I hadn’t noticed at all. I was walking in a daze. My head was a foggy mess. I was trying to remember exactly how many jewelry counters I’d passed on the boutiques floor. I wondered why any ship would need three luxury spas, and that’s just the ones I’d found.
When we passed by anyone, I moved up against Axel, even if there was plenty of room to pass us by. I was wary now, unsure and untrusting. Paranoia was rampant. If Blake was dragged to the day room, it was like being kidnapped all over again. The more I considered what happened, the more I remembered being kidnapped myself and I was jumping at every noise, every flicker of light overhead. My stomach was in knots, and only the prior medicine probably kept me from getting too nauseated and puking.
Axel squeezed my hand after I’d nearly ducked behind him when two people passed us in the hallway. “You can’t keep doing that?”
“Doing what?”
“Cowering,” he said. “That’s not like you.”
I pressed my lips together, not wanting to admit to it. No. It wasn’t like me. But I was tired and foggy and was feeling incredibly vulnerable.
Axel stopped walking in the hall, forcing me to stop as well. He faced me, a touch of a frown on his lips. He gazed down at the floor. “I’m sorry I didn’t hurry when you said something was wrong with Blake,” he said quietly. “I didn’t realize he was hurt. I thought you meant...I don’t know.”
“We’re facing off with dangerous men,” I said quietly.
He looked up and down the hallway we were in and then walked to a door marked Children’s Play Room, opening it and waving me in. There was no one in this room, perhaps no one was bringing their kids to the ship. There was a thick blue mat on the floor and rainbows painted on the wall. Toys were contained neatly in bins along one wall.
Axel closed the door behind himself and then turned toward me. “Kayli,” he said quietly. “Say the word, and I’ll get us all off this damn ship, including Blake.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to say yes. I was tired, uncomfortable...and afraid. Terrified. I had been so confident before, cocky, even, but hadn’t been at it for ten minutes before pinning myself as one of Mr. Murdock’s closest employees, a dangerous position to be in. And then Blake had gotten hurt. I’d been seasick. I wasn’t prepared at all for this.
I just didn’t want to admit that I might have gotten in too quickly, and was already starting off out of control. “I want to help,” I said, “I just don’t know what I’m doing.” My lips trembled and I cursed, pulling away from him to stare at the wall. I wasn’t going to cry on top of this. The tension was just getting to me now. Stupid girl reaction.
I sensed it when Axel stepped up behind me. He kept his distance though, simply standing there. “I was worried this was too soon.”
“I’m fine. I’m not sick anymore.”
“I’m not talking about the physical.” He reached out, rubbing my shoulders, massaging deeply. “Kayli, no one goes through what you’ve been through and doesn’t have a reaction. You’re human, like it or not. I don’t just mean your past, either.”
I bit my lip, biting back emotions. I didn’t dare admit he might be right. I wouldn’t. I was Kayli Winchester. I was the girl in school who could fist fight with the boys and walk away with a few bruises…but I walked away. I never cried in front of a boy ever in my life. I’d always been so aware and sure of my next moves, and now I had no idea what to do.
“We all went through it,” he said quietly. He bent his head to the back of mine, his lips pressing to the crown of my head against my hair. “We were there, too. We know.”
“I can’t stay in the apartment forever,” I said, thinking he meant we should just go back and forget about everything. Impossible, even if I wished I could. “I can’t keep hiding like that.”
“No,” he said. “We can’t. We also don’t need to be here. I know you’re mad at us for keeping you away from Blake and Ethan. It’s not that I don’t care about their fight. I do. My first concern, though, is you.”
Why did he have to say it like that? It broke through a barrier inside me. Axel had an uncanny way of getting me to talk about things I wanted to bury and forget about. “I thought I could do this,” I said. “I still think we can. If I wasn’t so tired from that medicine. And...”
“It’s not just the medicine.” He turned me slowly until I was facing him. I looked at his collarbone instead of his face though. He kept massaging my shoulders. “We do need to take things slower. So far, we can get by with whatever you’ve told Mr. Smith, and let a rumor spread about you. You don’t have to do any talking. We’ll see if anyone approaches you.”
It took me a moment of staring at his shirt before I got what he was saying. “If they hear the rumor, and talk to me, then it’s them approaching me about those investments.”
“And we might be able to put data together quicker,” he said. “We can claim he never gave you names, just account numbers and deposits. You would need any account number and amounts these people invested and the exact amount. We need any info he gave them. We’ll see what we can gather from that.”
“We don’t know where the money went.”
“Someone does,” he said. “Someone who will be very upset to hear someone else is masquerading around as the manager. We may not have to hunt whoever it is down. He may come to us.”
I shifted on my feet. An unknown manager was going to be a new risk for all of us. We had no idea who it might be. “I’m going to get shot at.”
“The bullets would have to get past me first,” he said. His hand slid up my neck until he cradled my jaw in his palm.
“I don’t want anyone getting hurt,” I said, although I was starting to forget what we were talking about. His touch made me want to let go, to let him take over. I wished I hadn’t said what I had, but now at least we knew what we were facing. It would have been worse not knowing.
He bent his head down and his lips touched my forehead. He whispered against my skin. “You keep telling me you’re fine, but I know you’re not. You haven’t been fine since I met you. With us...you’ve gotten worse.”
I almost said I was fine again. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Not part of the bargain.” He kissed my forehead and then released my shoulders so he could wrap his arms around them. “You were itching to leave us before.
You wanted out. You didn’t want to get too close to anyone. Now, you can’t leave, and you’re lost. You don’t know how to stay put. You don’t know how to trust us and let us keep you safe.”
I couldn’t say anything to this. It was a surprise that he knew such things and would dare say it out loud. Yet each part he brought up, I couldn’t deny. I closed my eyes, rather than look at him. I was worried, terrified again, mostly of him and what he was saying. How could he do this to me? And now?
“Maybe I’m wrong.” His lips puckered against my skin, closer to my temple. “I just get the feeling the real reason you’ve been sleeping so much the past couple of weeks has been to ignore everything, and everyone. At first, I didn’t blame you. Now I wondered if I wasn’t doing more harm allowing it and not getting you help.”
“You can’t control me,” I said. I backed away a little and looked up, wanting to be angry, to push him off. I couldn’t. His eyes were a blaze of lightning that was mesmerizing. He was angry with himself. “You have no control over my feelings or how I do things. If I want to spiral into a depression and completely fall off the face of the planet--” I didn’t know what I was saying. I just wanted him to know I wasn’t in control of my feelings but he couldn’t stop it or blame himself.
A low growl vibrated through his chest. He moved his hands until he held me at my ribs, almost pulling me up off the ground. “Not around me,” he said. “And if I have to fucking break down that stubborn, angry streak you have just to make sure you don’t, you better believe, I’ll break you. I’ll tear it all out and then rebuild until you’re back to who you really are.”
I gripped at the shirt on his chest, holding onto him, worried if he let go that I’d fall. “Axel,” I said, growling right back. “You don’t know who I really am. You don’t know anything--”
Axel pushed his lips to mine, fighting me when I tried to talk around his mouth. Whatever I had been going to say was lost.
At first, I was angry. I kissed hard, almost biting him. I dug my fingernails into his chest through the stupid polo shirt. I was going to kiss him until he gave in and couldn’t handle it.
Axel fought back. His hands on my ribs slid down to my butt and he gripped at my hips. He started to pull me down.
I wasn’t prepared for it and my loafers were slippery on the mat. I landed on my back, a bit of wind knocked out of me. I coughed. Stupid shoes. I hate loafers.
Axel caught himself in a sort of push up, one of his thighs between my legs. He looked up at my face and then bent his neck, looking at my body. “Are you hurt?”
“Stop asking me if I’m okay,” I said, pushing up at his shoulders. I wanted to get up so I could cover my butt. I was feeling exposed. It didn’t help that his knee was in my crotch.
He grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the mat. “I will ask,” he said. His smoky voice a deep growl again. “I’ll ask you every damn day until I hear an honest answer.”
“Are you hurt?” I fired back at him. I was tired of being drilled for answers. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”
He frowned, and then bent his head until his lips traced mine as he whispered. “Like you’re gripping the heart in my chest and squeezing.” He backed his head up until his lips shifted down. He spoke, lips drifted smoothly against my skin as he trailed down toward my neck. “You won’t just take it. But you should; I’m not saving it for anyone else.”
I tilted my head back, closing my eyes as he kissed my neck. I lost track of why I was fighting him at all.
“You just hang on to it and tease it and then...” He kissed my neck again, teeth grazing, sending my insides to sparking like the storm behind his eyes.
I strained against his wrists, for no other reason than he was holding me down, caging me in and I needed to move, to expend some energy. I was absorbing the lightning without release.
“No,” he said, and then brought his head up until he was nose to nose with me. “I’m not done. You’re going to hear me out. Unless you tell me you don’t want me, that you want me to get up and walk away.”
I forced myself to stop struggling, to just look up at him. I didn’t want him to walk away. I was...scared. I was afraid to say no to anyone, maybe because I didn’t believe they’d stay if they knew the truth about how I felt. So I was hanging onto everyone and everything and just hoping I didn’t end up alone. Like Wil, out there on his own. Like my father. There were people who needed me and I had walked away. People could do that to me. They would. Anytime they wanted. No one needed me.
It was more than that, too. Axel was right. I didn’t want to love. I didn’t want to hurt his heart like I knew I would, so I had refused it. I kept them all away from me and had dragged out my sickness. It was against my nature to be like that. But it had felt safe to not get involved, to not feel.
He bent his head again, putting his mouth over mine. “I’m going to assume if you’re not telling me to leave, you’re telling me to stay.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My lips refused to move. I was too stubborn even though I hated it. Why was telling people what I wanted so difficult?
He lowered his head and kissed me. Slower this time. He released my wrists to hold himself up with his elbows over me. He shifted his knee deeper into my crotch, pushing it tight against my bare parts.
My hips moved against his, grinding. I couldn’t control it. I kissed him back and my newly freed hands gripped his shoulders and then moved up his neck. I was rough, gripping, squeezing, clawing.
He moved his other leg between mine, and then shifted until his crotch was pushing up against me. The action wedged his legs under my thighs. It picked my hips up off the floor. His hands moved down to my thighs, pushing up the hem of the dress as he gripped me as hard as I held on to his shoulders.
I broke the kiss, dizzy and gasping as I needed more air. My eyes rolled up so I closed them.
He pushed my chin back with his cheek and then kissed my neck. He drew in the skin, sucking hard. He used his teeth in in a trail of gentle bites all the way to my shoulder. His hands held onto my butt and he ground his body into mine. I felt his hard cock pushing up against me, rubbing at my nakedness.
There was a commotion in the hallway just outside the door. Axel growled and jumped up quickly. He raced for the door.
Too late. There was a gentle knock at the door right before it opened and a woman in a black uniform poked her head in.
I sat up in a hurry and couldn’t get the corduroy dress to straighten out properly, flashing the woman the goods.
Axel got into her way. “Excuse us,” he said. He blocked her entrance, holding onto the door and gently trying to push her back out.
“Oh!” The woman waved her hand and her face turned red. “I’m so sorry. I thought...if someone had sent their kids...and they were alone...”
“No,” Axel said. “Just us. We’ll leave.”
She nodded and walked away. I got up on my knees. I flattened out the dress and straightened the glasses again. I could set myself on fire for how embarrassed I was.
“Wrong place,” Axel said, holding the door closed, as if making sure no one else could come inside.
“We need to get back to work,” I said, trying to calm my heart and the heat in my face. Now the crew was going to hear about the friends of Ethan’s trying to get it on in the children’s play room. At least our boyfriend and girlfriend act would be secure.
“I meant what I said,” Axel said. He blocked the door, putting his back to it. “I’m tired of pussyfooting. I’m tired of this space between us we’ve created. I don’t want it. I don’t want to think of kissing you and not being able to. I’m not used to holding back.”
“Why have you?” I asked.
“I thought you were sick.”
“No,” I said, hating to say it and yet, I felt I had to. “We were both sick, remember? But I was always around. You would ask me how I was, and then would walk away. Yes, I didn’t fe
el good, but it was Raven and the others who hung out with me. Marc brought me food. Corey played games with me. Brandon would often join us and Raven watched TV with me. You went to work and I only saw you every once in a while. Maybe they did back off and behave like you asked, but they were there.” I looked at him, meeting his eyes. I hadn’t realized until just then what bugged me about Axel, but it was that he had decided to give me space at all. “Why weren’t you?”
He frowned, shaking his head, but he said nothing.
This hurt, but this whole situation wasn’t only my fault. I cared about Axel, about how he felt, but I also wasn’t going to buy that I had pushed him away every time. Not when he had been avoiding me. He couldn’t tell me that was my fault. I wasn’t the only one pushing away.
But he wasn’t talking now. “We should get back to work,” I said.
He opened the door and we walked along the corridors in silence.
I ignored our luxurious surroundings and turned inward into my own head. No wonder I was so conflicted about them all. Axel openly admitted he cared about me, and yet he was so solitary. I understood he was like that; it was part of what I liked about him. He was mystery and intrigue personified. He was the puzzle I wanted to figure out.
And yet there was Raven, and I adored his willingness to play and fight with me harder than the other boys. Marc made an effort to be nice, cooking for me, even if he hadn’t been allowed to show affection. Brandon pushed me to better myself, to get me to eat right. Corey was always a friend, always willing to play.
And then there was Blake, who had been blocked from access to me and had yet devised a way for us to work together, something they wouldn’t ignore. He might not have done this all just for me, but he had made sure to include me.
My heart was stretched, full. Before, I had Wil. And a father I didn’t really care for but who was still family. Now I had all of these guys around and instead of feeling like I’d split my heart up, or should focus on one of them, it felt like my heart had increased out of proportion, too big for my chest, because it carried all of them.