“I can take him, Tanner,” I say, trying to subtly let him know.
“I can handle it, Ry,” he says. As I meet Haddie’s eyes she knows I’m starting to freak out.
“Tanner,” my mom’s voice rings above the chatter in a warning, “we’ve got a new momma here who is a bit overwhelmed by all of us swooping in on her at once. She hasn’t held Ace in a bit, and I’m sure she’s getting a little frantic, so why don’t you hand him over?” And even though I can’t see her face, I know the exact look she gives him from my own experience.
He responds immediately but by the time he gets Ace to me I’m sweating and heading toward a full-blown panic attack. “Here you go,” Tanner says as he slips him into my arms and plants a kiss on both of our heads. “He really is beautiful.”
And I can breathe again. He’s crying and I have no clue if it’s because of all of the stimuli or if he’s actually hungry, but I don’t care because he’s back in my arms. I look up to find Colton through the crowd of people, and he can tell I’m flustered and overwhelmed. When he mouths I love you, it puts a little more right in my world.
“Okay, guys,” he says after winking at me, “it’s feeding time and not for me.” Laughter rings through the room. “Thanks for coming to meet Ace, but it’s time to say goodbye and head out.”
The room explodes in a hurried frenzy of hugs and congratulations and promises to stop by the house later in the week or phone calls to check in before Colton ushers them all out. The women linger a little longer, asking the questions they couldn’t with the guys around before they begrudgingly leave the room with just my mom left.
“Thank you,” I whisper to her with a sigh as I unbutton my hospital gown and let Ace latch on. That instant surge of calming hits me. All better.
“It may have been a long time ago for me, but I remember that feeling of panic and give me my baby back and being overwhelmed.”
“You’ve got that right,” I murmur, both of our heads angled downward as we watch Ace fall into bliss.
“Just remember that your hormones are going to be out of whack for a while so expect the sudden hot flashes and mood swings—”
“Great,” I say with a laugh.
“How’s Colton doing with all of this?” she asks.
“He’s fine,” I say hesitantly, and I’m not sure if I’m trying to fool her or want her to delve deeper into my comment. But being my mother, I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.
“Fine can mean a lot of things,” she murmurs as she leans her head on top of my head resting on her shoulder.
I’m quiet for a few moments. As involved in our lives as our families are, I usually don’t relay the details of every issue. Part of me feels kind of alone right now. Part of me also needs the reassurance that what I think I should do about it is the right thing.
“Fine as in, he’s present, but I know he’s scared for so many reasons. Afraid to do too much, not enough, to drop him, that he might not connect with him, that he might be like his parents . . . I don’t know.” So much for keeping my thoughts private. But at least I’ve said them to the one person I know won’t judge me and won’t repeat them elsewhere. Thank God for our mother-daughter bond.
“Men are fickle creatures,” she murmurs. “Of course he has fears. And his are probably a little more justified after all he’s been through. Give him time. He looks at his hands and sees how big they are against Ace’s head and thinks how he might accidentally hurt him somehow.” I murmur a sound of understanding. The soothing feeling of Ace nursing and my lack of sleep, cause my exhaustion to catch up with me. “Your body was made to do this, to be this . . . It has gone through all sorts of changes over the past nine months. Plus you’ve raised the boys so you’re more comfortable with kids than he is.”
“True,” I say softly.
“This is all new to him. A shock to the way he’s lived his life. The one thing he never wanted or expected until he met you. Men have a hard time adjusting to change when they have no control over it. He’ll come around, sweetie. He has no choice.”
But he does, I think to myself. I know the old Colton who used to close himself off with impenetrable steel walls. He wouldn’t do that to his son, though. There’s no way he would. Because that would make him too much like his birth parents.
“I know. I just don’t want him to pull away.”
“He might for a bit, but here’s the thing, Rylee: the connection between you and Ace, and Colton and Ace is completely different. Perfect example is what just happened. You don’t want to part from Ace. He’s the air you breathe right now. It’s rarely the same for men.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“I know the idea of having to be apart from him causes your heart to race. And if you had to, you wouldn’t give a second thought to driving onto sidewalks, over people if need be, to get home to him as quick as you can. That’s normal,” she says with a chuckle. “I used to feel the same way with you guys. I’d need a break . . . but the minute I had it I needed to be with you as soon as possible. But for Colton? It’s a different type of feeling for him. There’s this huge change in his life right now. A bonus, yes, but at the same time it’s scary as hell for him. Not to mention he worries he’s being replaced in your life by the one man that’s probably more handsome than he is.”
I snort a laugh at the comment but her words of wisdom hit home more than I thought they would. “Thanks, Mom. You always know what to say.”
“Hardly, but thank you.”
The door to the room opens with perfect timing and Colton walks in at the same time my mom rises from beside me on the bed. “There’s my cue,” she says as she leans over and presses another kiss to Ace’s head before looking up into my eyes. “I’m always here for you. Always. Any time.”
“Thank you. I love you.”
“Love you too,” she says as she gives Ace one last glance and turns to face Colton. “I’ll leave you with your family now, Colton. Take good care of my babies.” She steps forward and gives him a long hug before kissing his cheek.
“I will. Let me walk you out.”
They leave the room and the comforting silence surrounds Ace and me once again.
I’M SWITCHING ACE FROM MY left side to my right side when the door swings open into the room. “Thanks for walking her out,” I say distractedly. When Colton says nothing back I look up and let out a little yelp at the man standing near the foot of the bed.
“I’m sorry. You scared me.” I do a double take and notice the blue scrubs, the top of a surgical cap covering his hair as he looks down at the clipboard in one hand and a pen poised to write with the other.
“Shift change paperwork check,” he mumbles, keeping his head down and even though I can’t see his face, I suddenly have an uneasy feeling begin to crawl over my skin that burns its way up my throat. “How’s that sweet little baby of yours?” His voice and the question cause the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up.
Where are you, Colton? Did Sammy go with you?
“What do you need?” My voice is even and calm despite the alarm bells sounding in my head as I subtly try to look at his nametag that is flipped upside down.
“Now that you have him,” he says, lifting his head a little to indicate Ace resting against my breast, “could you imagine if you lost him?”
Discord vibrates within me at the extremely odd question and yet when I stare at him, he seems completely normal and focused on what he’s writing on the chart in his hand. I try to move Ace to cover my exposed breast, while I slowly inch my hand down toward the nurse call button. And of course it’s located on the bedrail right near where he is standing, so I try to be ever so discrete as uncertainty overtakes me.
“No. Never,” I finally answer.
“I lost everything. My wife. My kids. All by the hands of someone else,” he says, his voice hollow and even. I stare at him now, wanting him to lift his face from where he’s focused. I realize he’s scribbling furiously but hasn’t asked me a singl
e question to take notes on.
My finger hovers over the call button, not wanting to make a scene, and yet my gut instinct is telling me something’s off here. My mom’s words flicker in my mind about how crazy a new mom can feel, and I wonder if that’s what is going on here: hormones surging and taking over my rational mind.
Ace must sense my discomfort because he starts crying. “I’m so sorry,” I finally respond, distracted, trying to watch what he’s doing while trying to tend to my son. “How horrible.”
“I thought it was only fair he knows how it feels. To feel vulnerable. To be exposed. To think he might lose it all. Jeopardize his happiness.”
I shake my head. That eddy of unease returns for one more whirl as I try to figure out what in the hell he’s talking about as Ace’s wails escalate in pitch. “I’m sorry. I’m not following you, and you’re making me uncomfortable. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave my room.”
He looks up for the first time and meets me with crystalline blue eyes that hold a hint of humor oddly matching the slight smirk on his lips. “Of course. I just need your autograph on this form I have to turn in, and I’ll be out of your hair,” he says as he walks forward and places the manila folder on the table beside me. And as much as he makes me uncomfortable, I glance up one more time to look at him, trying to place why he looks familiar, but his head is already back down and focused on what he’s fumbling with in his pocket.
“Sure.” Anything. Just get the hell out of here. I set Ace down in the dip between my thighs as I grab the pen he hands me.
And then I open the folder.
My mouth drops open.
My mind is shocked.
My privacy invaded.
My little bubble popped.
Everything clicks all at the same time when I see the still photo of me from the video, spread-eagled, and every part of me unmistakable.
I look back up. His hair’s a little longer and there’s a goatee covering his facial scar that would have given him away instantly. But there is no doubt this is the man who has turned our world upside down in the past month.
Eddie Kimball.
I think I hear a click. I’m not sure. I force my eyes from his face to the phone he’s holding up and just before the flash goes off, I bend my body over, hiding my face and exposed breast and start screaming. My finger jabbing at the call button over and over as Ace’s cries rise with my burgeoning panic.
“Help!” I scream. Ace’s wails escalate. “Help!”
“Why so camera-shy now? Donavan stole everything from me. Revenge is a bitch.” He runs from the room just as the nurse comes through on the intercom.
“Everything okay, Mrs. Donavan?”
“Security!” I shout into the room. I pick Ace up and hold him tightly to my chest, rocking him as my body shakes, and my mind tries to process the fear that’s clouding my judgment.
The door flings open as my nurse runs in the same exact time as a loud crash is heard in the hallway followed by a fire alarm of some sort that shrieks through the hallway of the hospital wing. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Yes. We’re fine.” I keep rocking. “It’s okay,” I repeat to Ace over and over, as I try to reassure myself I am okay. But I’m not.
Far from it.
The nurse picks up the phone in the room and starts speaking words I don’t hear because my pulse is thundering in my ears. And the minute she lowers the phone the wailing alarm stops.
But the one in my head and heart screams even louder. I’m afraid it will never shut up now.
Fear like I’ve only known a few times in my life—the accidents that made me lose one man and almost another—owns my soul right now. We’re supposed to be safe. Supposed to be happy. And yet the man who has wreaked so much havoc in our lives just caused it to implode again.
“Tell me what happened,” the nurse says at the same time Colton comes barging into the room completely out of breath, his posture defensive, and eyes wild with fear as they scour over Ace and me to make sure we are okay.
“Rylee? They were shouting for security to the room.”
“Eddie.” It’s the only word I need to say for him to understand why I’m crying tears I didn’t even know were coursing down my cheeks, and holding Ace to me so tightly, that if it weren’t for his crying, I’d think I was smothering him.
“You’re okay?” he asks through gritted teeth. The muscle in his jaw pulses as he waits for my response. A quick nod of my head and he charges out of the room.
The old me would have yelled at him to come back. Tell him I need him more. Which is still partially true.
But I don’t say a word.
I. Am. Okay. For now.
Eddie Kimball just fucked with my son.
I hope my husband fucks with him.
“THE POLICE HAVE IT UNDER control.”
“Like hell they do!” I growl into the phone at CJ and Kelly as I pace the hallway of the hospital like a caged fucking animal. “He was in HER room. ALONE. The fucking bastard was within a foot of her and Ace. Taunting her. That is a huge goddamn problem!”
“Did he get a picture?” CJ asks, prodding the sleeping dragon within.
“Do you think I fucking know?” I grit through clenched teeth. “She doesn’t know. Doesn’t think so, but isn’t sure. It all happened so quickly.” My skin crawls, thinking how fucking close he was to her. To Ace.
The heavy sigh on the connection grates even more on my nerves because I feel like I’m not being told something. “What are you not telling me?”
Anger eats at me. Ire like I’ve never known before scratching through my resolve and testing my restraint to not go take that eye for an eye right now because he’s already taken way too fucking much from me.
“Nothing,” CJ says and before I can question him further, he continues, “the hospital security—”
“Is for shit,” I finish for him. “They let a random man dressed in scrubs and a surgical cap, which he probably bought at Scrubs-R-Us or some shit, lift an I.D. off the nurses station, and waltz into her fucking room the moment Sammy helped me manage the vultures outside when I walked our family out. He had to have been hiding if Sammy didn’t see him. Probably watched and waited for me to leave. Fucking bastard.” My hands fist. The urge to punch a fucking wall so goddamn strong I have to stand in the middle of the hall so there’s nothing within reach I can destroy. “They’ll be lucky I don’t sue their asses for—”
“Calm down—”
“Don’t tell me to calm the fuck down!”
“I’m already filing grievances with Cedars, and Kelly has notified the police of the violation of the restraining order that—”
“It’s not going to do a fucking lick of good, but go right ahead. Just be ready to have bail money to post when I come face to face with him because you’re going to need it.” I glance over to the door of Rylee’s room, knowing I need to get this rage out before I can face her and not scare her.
“Colton. Let the legal system—”
“I’m getting Rylee out of here right now.” I don’t need to hear his pacifying bullshit that’s not going to do a damn bit of good. Not like my fist hitting Eddie’s face will. “I’ll hire a nurse if I have to, but we’re leaving within the hour. Fuck their protocol with discharge papers. I’ll have Sammy wait if need be, but I’m not putting them at risk out in the goddamn open like this.”
“Understandable,” Kelly speaks for the first time.
“Find him or you’re fired.”
I end the call. The urge to throw my phone so intense that I squat down on my haunches for a second with my head in my hands and force myself to breathe. To do exactly what I told CJ not to tell me to do: calm down and be rational. But rational went out the goddamn window the moment that bastard went after my wife.
Rational is way the fuck overrated.
God, I wish I had found him. Caught up with him somewhere in the hospital grounds and beat the shit out of him until he lost consciousness.
But nothing. He disappeared into the goddamn wind. Fuck.
Just like the ghosts of the nightmares that are sitting in the back of my mind laughing at this. Chiding me and telling me this is proof I can’t take care of my own wife and son. That I’m no better than my mother. That I let the same man threaten my wife and now my son as I sit on the other side of the fucking door, wrists handcuffed, unable to do a goddamn thing to stop him.
Acey, Acey. Sweet little Acey.
I scrub my hands over my face as I rise to my feet and tell myself the mixture of rage and exhaustion are playing tricks on me. I need to shut out the voices in my head. I need to tell the doubt to fuck off and die.
What I need is the crunch of his nose against my knuckles.
I sigh and head toward the hospital room. Five minutes ago I couldn’t wait to get out of the room so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eyes and see the fear there, or look at Ace and know I already let him down within the first thirty hours of his life. And yet now all I can think about is getting to them, packing our shit up, getting the fuck out of here, and going home to our own little world.
MY BODY BREAKS OUT IN a sweat. It’s a different kind than I’ve ever experienced before. This kind is that whole-body heat that causes your limbs to tremble, heart to race, and head to become dizzy. I swallow over the unease as Sammy drives us out from the protected cover of the hospital’s parking garage into the driveway where paparazzi swarm us instantly.
All in a shoving match to try to get their lenses to see through the dark tinted windows of the Rover and get the first picture of Ace. The coveted shot they could sell and make a year’s salary with a single frame.
Fists bang on the windows. My body jumps. I lean over the baby carrier buckled in between Colton and me. With my back to the window to block the view of Ace and my eyes closed, I fight back the threatening tears.
“Don’t, Ry. Please don’t,” Colton murmurs as he reaches out to take my hand with one hand and smooth over my hair with the other. I clear my throat and blink the tears away and stare at Ace—this sweet, innocent baby who doesn’t deserve any of this.