CHAPTER VIII
BIFFEN'S CONCERT
It was the inalienable right of the juniors of the cock-house to give aconcert the last night of the term, and to have free and undisputedpossession of the concert-room. Corker made it a rule that the captain ofthe school should be there to see there were no riots, which, as the fagswere off home on the morrow, was more than possible. So when I got apolite note from Grim about half an hour after the results of the PerryExhibition had been announced, telling me that Corker had given thecustomary consent, I strolled about looking up a cohort of monitors tohelp me in maintaining the "sacred cause of order and decency." I knew ofold those junior concerts. "Pandemonium" was nearer the word.
Biffen's juniors, red-hot from their exertions and hoarse from theirshouting in the speech-room, held a meeting in their own private quartersto deliberate as to their concert.
"I vote Father Grim to the chair," said Wilson.
"Thanks, my son," said Grim, with alacrity "Somebody second that, andlet's get to business."
Somebody obligingly seconded, and Grim enthroned himself with dignity inthe chair, and said cheerfully, "Carried _nem. con._ That's the wayto commence biz. Now, you fellows, I thank you for this unexpected honour,which has quite taken me by surprise. I shall always--"
"Shut up, Grim," said Brown. "You know jolly well you asked Wilson topropose you."
"All right, Brown; I'll talk with you afterwards. Sorry your Roman nose isout of joint; but nobody proposed you, you know, so shut up. Gentlemen--"
"Hear, hear!"
"Biffen's are cock-house at last" (deafening cheers) "and we must make ourconcert a stunner. It must go with a bang from start to finish. It mustlick every other fag's concert that ever was, and 'be the bright harbingerof--' What is the rest of the quote, Wilson?"
"'Of future joys,' you ass."
"'Of future joys,' you asses."
"I'll punch your head, Grim; you said you remembered it."
"All serene, old man, never mind the cackle."
"What about our concert?" asked Brown.
"It's going to be great. Does any one happen to have a programme of thatawful performance of Corker's house last year?"
"Rather!" said half a dozen of Biffen's ornaments. "Did you think we'dburn a curiosity like that?"
"Cut out and get yours, Rogers, my pet."
"My pet" bolted and came back with the year-old programme of the Corker'sfags.
"Pass the abomination this way, Rogers. Gentlemen," said Grim, withintense scorn, "those unspeakable Corker asses started off with aprologue."
"We must go one better--eh, you fellows?" said Rogers.
"Rather!" they all shrieked.
"I vote," said young Cherry, "that we lead off with an epilogue. That willleave 'em standing."
"Hear, hear!" said Fruity.
"Who'll second that?" said Grim.
"I will," said Rogers, cheerfully.
"Then do it, you ass," said the chairman.
"I second," said Rogers, hurriedly, "and you needn't be so beastly strict,Grim."
"Gentlemen, the proposal before the meeting is that we lead off with anepilogue. Item number one on the programme to be 'An Epilogue.' Those infavour signify. Carried unanimously."
"I say, Grim, what is an epilogue, anyhow?" said a voice.
"Oh, I say," said the chairman, "pass that young ignoramus this way. Lamb,do you mean to say you don't know what an epilogue is?"
"No, I don't."
"This is sickening," said Grim, with disgust. "A fellow in Biffen's notknow what an epilogue is! Tell him, Fruity," he added, with patheticvexation.
"He asked you," said Cherry, hurriedly.
"I'm the chairman," said Grim, in a wax, but with great relief. "Explainaway, Fruity!"
"Oh, every first-class concert starts with one," he said vaguely.
"See now, Lamb?"
Lamb professed himself satisfied, but he did not appear absolutely blindedby the light either.
"Anyhow," said Wilson, "Fruity will see to that. I propose he does."
"I second it," said Lamb, viciously, whereupon Cherry kicked the seconderon the shins, for he did not exactly thirst for that honour. "I'm anass," he said to himself; "but, anyhow, I'll look up what the blessed worddoes mean, and try to do it."
"I see," said Grim, "they've got a poem on 'Cock House' for number two.That seems all right, eh?"
"Oh yes; it's always done."
"Well, we'll have one too, eh? Who's got to do the poetry, though?Somebody propose somebody"--thereupon every fag proposed his chiefestenemy, and the battles raged along the line. "And you call yourselvesgentlemen!" said Grim in disgust--he had been overlooked for the timebeing.
"I propose Sharpe," said Wilson, dusting himself. "He does no end swellconstrues from 'Ovid.'"
"I second that," said Rogers. "He has long hair. Poets always have. Miltonhad."
"That bit is _side,_" said the chairman, judicially. "Those who arein favour of Sharpe doing the poetry hold--Carried, _nem. con._"
"_Nem. con_. is side too, Grim," said Rogers.
"Shut up, you mule! Sharpe, you'll have to do the poem."
"I say, you fellows, it will be horse work," said Sharpe, disconsolately."There isn't a rhyme to Biffen's."
"Oh! isn't there? What about 'spiffing'?"
Sharpe choked.
"Griffin."
"Tiffin."
Lamb squeaked out "stiff 'un," and some one gently led him out--evenBiffen's fags caved in at that.
"Sharpe, you're booked for number two, old man. Gentlemen, I direct yourattention to number three--Corker's did Indian clubs and the gold-fishdodge."
"Oh, well," said Wilson, "we're not going to copy Corker's, anyhow. Let'sdo dumb-bells and something else."
"I propose that Wilson does the something else," said Cherry,good-naturedly.
Wilson said he was ready to do something to Cherry any time that wasconvenient. Rogers suggested that they ask the niggers to do something onthe bars, and Sharpe seconded it, so the dervishes were written to andpromised a scragging if they didn't turn themselves inside out for theglory of Biffen's concert.
"I say, you fellows," said Grim, "it's to be a concert, you know, andexcept for Fruity's epilogue there isn't any music down yet." Cherrygroaned to think he'd been let in for a song.
"What about Thurston?" asked half a dozen of the fags.
"Right, oh! Now, 'Dicky Bird,' hop up to the front, and trot out yourlist."
Thurston wasn't shy, and rather fancied his bleat, so he said, "Oh! Idon't mind at all."
"We thought you wouldn't," said the chairman, winking.
"What do you say to 'Alice, where art thou'?"
"We don't fancy your shouting five minutes for her at all. Next, please."
"'Only to see her face again,' then?"
"Whose?" said Sharpe, irreverently.
"Why, the girl's the fellow is singing about," said Thurston, hotly.
"Oh! you'll see her the day after to-morrow, Dicky Bird, so don't you fretabout that now. Do you know 'My first cigar'?"
"Do you mean the one that sent you to hospital, Grimmy?"
"No I don't. None of your cheek. I'm chairman. I mean the one Corney Grainused to sing."
"Yes."
"Well, you sing that and you'll make the fellows die with laughing. Andmind you illustrate it with plenty of life-like pantomime, do you hear?"
"Carried, _nem. con_.," shouted all the fags with enthusiasm.
"Hear, hear, Grimmy!"
"So that's settled for you, and if you get an encore, Dicky Bird, you cantrot 'Alice' out if you like."
"Which of the fellows have we to invite out of the eleven to help us?"
"Acton," was the universal yell.
"We'll see him, then, to-night."
"Three cheers for Acton," said someone, and the roof echoed.
"Well, we're getting on, and I say, you chaps, I have an idea."
"Hear, hear!" said Cherry, acidly
; "Grimmy _has_ an idea."
"A grand idea, Fruity. Your epilogue isn't in it."
"What is it, Grim?"
"We'll have a boxing competition open to St. Amory's juniors only. Rogersshould pull that off, eh?"
"Rather," said they all. "One more feather in Biffen's cap.".
"But, Grimmy," said Rogers, "I don't last, you know."
"Ah!" said the chairman, brilliantly, "we'll only have one two-minutes'round each draw. It will go by points. You're safe as a house, my pet,really."
"Who'll be judge about points? I propose you, Grim," said Rogers, withintent.
"Thanks, old cock, but I really couldn't do the honourable if you were'rocky' in the last rounds. We'll ask Carr to see us through that part.You'll be all right, I tell you."
"Who's to accompany on the P and O?"
"Oh, Brown must see to that!"
"I propose Brown key-thumper."
"I second that."
"Carried," said the chair, smartly.
"I say," said Grim, "I propose myself stage manager. I'm the only fellowwho knows a ha'porth about it."
"A ha'porth is an awful lot; besides, a chairman can't propose himself,"said Cherry, revengefully.
"I second the chairman's proposal," said Wilson, backing up his chum.
"Carried, _nem. con_."
"No, I'm hanged if it was!" said Cherry. "You're a fraud, Grimmy."
"All right now, you chaps, the meeting is over. Wilson and I will go up toActon, and see what he'll do for us, and then we'll rough out a swaggerprogramme."