ACTOR
THE UNSUNG HERO OF THE ANCIENT GREEKS
by
Justin Blasdel
Justin Blasdel
8/13/11
Version 3
[email protected] Characters
ACTOR = Smart-mouthed, negative (yet eager) warrior-in-training.
JASON = Sly, Cool Guy who gets what he wants, and is generally a jerk.
BELLEREPHON = Bright-eyed old guy with too much hubris.
THESEUS = Battle-hungry, impetuous man who is insane.
PERSEUS = Arrogant, war-hungry man who takes credit from others.
HERACLES = True warrior and kind hearted, but incredibly depressing.
FERGUS = Moody, sour man behind the desk.
DEION, king of Phocus = Very positive, but cheap and also a jerk.
PEGASUS = Easy-going, mellow winged horse.
Place
Multiple Locations in Greece
Time
Time of Legend
Production Notes: All characters except ACTOR can be played by the same actor.
PRONUNCIATION GUIDE
Bellerophon (bell-AIR-a-fon)
Heracles (HAIR-a-kleez)
Phrixus (FRIX-us)
Phocus (FOCK-us)
Aegean (a-JEE-an)
Thermopylae (therm-OP-el-ay)
Locris (LOW-kris)
drachma (DRACH-ma)
Symplegades (sim-PLEG-a-dees)
Phineus (FIN-e-us)
Ledus (LEAD-us)
Chimera (kim-ER-a)
Medea (me-DEE-a)
Why I’m doing this…
Hello,
I have many plays that I am now changing into PDF format and posting them online for free. There is a very simple reason for this: I want them to be read. After years of submitting my work to theatres only to receive rejection letters, I’ve realized many things. One, I cannot write mainstream plays. I can’t do it. It’s not as simple as choosing not to write what is popular, but rather an inability to write what is popular. This sounds conceited, I know, but the alternative is to consider the possibility that I have no talent, and I know that isn’t true. Another reason why my plays might not be selected is because I tend to rely on the imaginations of the stage manager and actors to convey a lot of difficult things, which when read at face value might seem like I’m asking for tons of money to be spent on props.
And of course there’s always the slight possibility that I’m unwilling to bend my personal “vision” in order to fit more coherently with the modern theatre. As someone who looks on both sides of every situation, I have to acknowledge that. However, I believe that is not the case (wholly). I do have a Masters in Drama (Playwriting), a Bachelors in English (Creative Writing) and Anthropology, and a Minor in Religious Studies, so I know I’m mentally competent enough to write stories. Am I infallible? No, but I am quite capable. Honestly, this is probably my last attempt to share my art with the world before I am sucked into a manual labor job which will never be as fulfilling as being a playwright. Side note: I hope that none of my future employers take that previous comment too seriously. I am sure I will need the money.
As far as my plays go, they are free to read and share within the limitations of the websites I’m submitting them to. Productions of said plays are NOT free. They might be if I am contacted and a deal is struck, but making one without every giving me a single notice is not acceptable. I’m a reasonable guy who understands what it’s like to be dirt poor. I probably will be so most of my life. Email me at
[email protected] or contact me through the websites you found my plays on. Hell, a simple “good going” or “that sucked” would be appreciated. Spam will not be appreciated. It’s too processed for my stomach to digest.
In closing, I would like to thank my mentor Dr. Roger Gross for helping me develop my abilities, Adam E. Douglass for understanding my humor, Dr. Daniel Levine for instilling a good appreciation of the classics, Prof. Melissa Zabecki Harvey for showing how human the past can be, Prof. Joseph Candido for helping me decide plays over short fiction, and my wife for never letting me think that my material was worthless. You’ve helped me all so far. Now it’s up to the Internet.
-Justin Blasdel
ACT 1
In a tavern where the overworked, weary, and pointless come to drink their sorrows away. It's during the time of the Greek Legends, and everything is genuine in its grime and odors of such eras without sanitation technology. There is a single table and two chairs with a mug resting on top of it.
Enter ACTOR, still fighting through HIS last hangover and eager to start working on the next. ACTOR is a man who’s seen it all and lives to tell the tales, however ludicrous and frankly quite impossible they sound. HIS experiences have made HIM sour, but HE still holds hope that one day people will believe HE speaks the truth. Not much hope, but it's still there...mildly.
ACTOR looks at the bartender and gives HIM the evil eye.
ACTOR
Now, I blame you--oh yes, you...for giving me that bad cup of ale last night. I've not had a headache that strong since the Dexamenos Twins found out I was cheating on them...with each other. [Half-beat]. Don't laugh. That really happened. [Half-beat]. All that I say happened, happened! I am not a liar! I've never said one untrue thing in my whole life! [Beat.] Well...that was your fault for thinking I'd ever be able to pay for my drinks, let alone a huge tab. [Half-beat]. Well, screw you! [to others in the tavern] What about you, my friends? Won't one of you pay for a single mug of ale for an old friend? Anyone? Anyone? No one? No one! [Beat] Fine! If no one buys me a cup of ale in the next three seconds, I'll go. [Moves slowly to the exit] One...Off into the rain I go, and no one to call my friend. Two...I'll probably die from cold and hunger, but no one should feel bad about that. Thrrrrrrr-please-please-somebody-buy-me-just-one-cup-of-ale-I'll-be-your-friend-forever…[Inhales] Thrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa--
ACTOR notices the audience.
You? You will buy me a cup of ale? My friends! My friends for life! My friends forever! My friends until death! [Sees the mug on the table] That's for me? I don't want to take your mug from you. You seem like you're all really thirsty, and I'd hate to take away the only---well, okay.
ACTOR gulps the wine like a starving child. HE jerks back as if the audience was going to steal the cup.
Get your own! What? Oh, you want to hear my story? [to others in tavern] You all hear that? Someone actually wants to hear my story. Imagine that. Jerks. [to audience] You wish to hear a tale of adventure, evil monsters, and heroes? And me? [Half-beat] You all don't seem enthusiastic about it. I'm not sure you really want to hear my story.
ACTOR turns away and acts hurt, but HE looks at the audience out of the side of HIS eye and waves the audience on, silently begging them to plead to hear HIS story. After the audience says anything (or doesn't respond), HE goes back to the act.
No, no, no. If you don't want me to talk to you, just say it. No hurt feelings.
Again, ACTOR begs them.
I don't want to trouble you. You, my new friends forever, the givers of free wine. It's a heartbreaking story, and truer than the Northern Star itself!
Third time, ACTOR eagerly begs.
[Indifferently] Well, I guess I can tell you that old story if you really want me to. [very eagerly] Okay, I will tell you. I can see you're the type who loves to hear about bloodshed and adventure. Well, not you. [points to an audience member] Obviously--but the rest of you, I hope my story will warm your hearts and fill your bellies with courage and wisdom. First, my name. I am Actor.
ACTOR holds out his hand to
be shaken, but can tell the audience doesn't understand the significance of HIS name.
Yes, my name is Actor. No, not as in "the-actor". Just Actor. Actor, the brave. Actor, the strong. Actor, the good in bed, if you wanna call me by those names. But I am no actor. Actors lie, they bend the truth, and I only speak in truths. [bartender says something] Shut up! They don't need to know about that. [beat] I can too pick up a whole cow with just one hand, but...that cow was...being difficult. It hated me from the start, and that's not my fault! [to audience] Some guys just want to ruin everything for everyone.
ACTOR stands up and readies HIMSELF to reenact HIS story.
So, I will begin my story at the...beginning. [Half-beat] I was a young lad, and my father was Deion, King of Phocus. [Half-beat] What? Phocus. You never heard of it? Of course you have. You just take the Aegean Sea and go West to Thermopylae, head South past Locris, and if you reach Thebes you've gone too far. See, I knew you knew where it was. Anyway, my father Deion was king, and I was a prince. I've just turned sixteen. A full grown boy, and it was time to become a man.
ACTOR starts to act like a younger version of HIMSELF, full of zest and ready for excitement, but ACTOR suddenly drops the act and goes offstage.
Oh. I almost forgot.
HE returns onstage with a big sack full of props.
Can't start my story without the right tools, now can I? [Hears something from bartender] Huh? In the bathroom, where else would I hide it. Geeze. You know, you really have to learn how to be a little generous from time to time.
HE takes out a crown and puts it on.
[To HIMSELF] Me at sixteen. Me at sixteen. Less hairy, a little thinner, and my life ahead of me. Go.
ACTOR is in full character now. HE is a young man ready to go out into the world and make a life for HIMSELF, as all young Greek men should do at HIS age. HE looks for HIS father.
ACTOR
Dad? Dad? DAD!
DEION (OS)
What?
ACTOR
I need to talk to you.
DEION (OS)
You always need to talk to me. What is it this time?
ACTOR
Dad--
DEION (OS)
Last week, it was three drachma to buy a new slave girl.
ACTOR
Dad--
DEION (OS)
And you didn't even use the last one you got.
ACTOR
Dad--
DEION (OS)
You just played with her for a week and lost interest. I had to bring her back to the store to return her. You have any idea what kind of excuse I had to make up for them to take her back?
ACTOR
Dad! I have something to say to you. It's important.
DEION (OS)
Hold on. Let me finish.
SFX: Toilet flush.
DEION is a very proud man and a very bad father. HE treats HIS son as an annoyance rather than the fruit of HIS loins.
DEION
This better be important, Actor. I was reading this new "Roman" fad in the West. I think it's a lot of noise about nothing if you ask me. So what do you have to say to me?
ACTOR
I...I...I want to be a man.
DEION
Well you already have the parts for that, don't you? Unless I was mistaken.
ACTOR
I want to be a man. I want to make a future for myself...and...but I don't know how.
DEION
Son, there's many ways to grow up from a boy to a man. None that I can think of right now are good for you. You have any ideas?
ACTOR
I want to become a hero.
DEION
What?
ACTOR
I want to become a hero.
DEION
You? You...want...to...be...a...[laughs] A hero?! You? [laughs harder] You mean the whole killing giants and serpents and--
ACTOR
Saving the innocent, yes! That's what I want to do.
DEION is laughing so hard, HE can't breathe.
ACTOR
What? What's wrong with that?
DEION
Nothing. Nothing at all. If you're a man already. But you're just a boy. A scrawny boy with his mother's hips. What are you going to do to monsters? Make them laugh to death? [laughing, but then suddenly stops] That's not what you're trying to do to me, are you?
ACTOR
Dad, I want to be a hero. All my life, I've heard stories about people talking to gods and visiting the Underworld and having parties with satyrs and nymphs and I--
DEION
I knew you too young to read those dirty magazines--
ACTOR
And I think it's time for me to do those things. I can do this, dad. I want to be a hero.
Beat.
DEION
You know, heroes are usually taller than you.
ACTOR
I know.
DEION
And bigger.
ACTOR
I know.
DEION
And handsomer.
ACTOR
I think I'm a pretty good looker.
Beat.
I'm going to do this with or without you. I can't live off of you forever. I gotta do my own thing.
DEION thinks and walks around, occasionally looking at ACTOR, who nods HIS head with a big idiot smile on HIS face.
DEION
I could use some time alone. Ever since your mother ran off with that wiseass "Socrats" or whatever the hell his name was, it's been hard to meet the ladies with a son at home who likes to flaunt his fashion sense.
ACTOR
Hey, togas are last century's news, and I'm just trying to keep you up with the times.
DEION
If you leave, then you can't come back. You're on your own. Completely. You fail, and you have to live with it.
ACTOR thinks on the matter.
ACTOR
You know what? I'm fine with that. Actually, that's perfect, because I'm going to be Greece's greatest hero. For millennia, people will look back at this moment and realize that this was when a true warrior was born. I will be worshipped as a god, and people will kiss my feet. It'll be glorious!
DEION
Yeah. [half-beat] Good luck with that. I've got some friends down at the Hero Union in town, so I'll set something up for you.
ACTOR
You...you really mean it?