When I came to the surface, I was in pain because the water was so cold. “Come on in! The water’s fine!” I gasped. The truth is, I’d lost all feeling in my legs.
“It’s not cold?” she asked.
“Oh, gosh, no, not a bit!”
She dipped her toe in the water, then shook her head. “It’s too cold for me.”
“Hey, it’s not bad once you get used to it!” To make my point, I ducked completely under and then came up with a big frozen grin on my face. “See, it’s not even cold!”
“If that’s true, how come there’s nobody else in the water?”
“They were all in the water just before we came, but now they’re resting.”
“You know what? I think I’ll just go back and work on my tan. You can swim if you want, though.”
She turned and went back to where our blanket and towels were.
Once out of the water, I had to take a little walk along the beach to warm up because I didn’t want Brianna to see me shivering.
When I returned to the blanket, she was lying on her back working on her tan. When I sat down beside her, she sat up and folded her arms across her chest. She was obviously a little self-conscious about wearing just a swimming suit, though it was one-piece and not low cut like most girls were wearing. Even so, I felt uneasy looking at her. After all, Brianna and I had met while serving as missionaries. So this was a pretty big jump.
“How was your swim?” she asked.
“Great. You should try it!”
“Nice try, Adam.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The water’s really cold, isn’t it? You were just trying to con me into getting wet, weren’t you?”
“Absolutely not. You think I’d deliberately try to trick you?”
“That’s what I think, all right.”
We were sitting next to each other, loving the teasing and being teased.
Before eating our lunch we decided to take a walk on the beach. Neither of us had worked on our tans that summer. With the exception of my arms and face, I was almost ghostly white. Brianna wasn’t much better. We were both afraid of getting burned so we each put on a T-shirt.
With the waves rolling in, the warm sun, and the light breeze, it was perfect. We had fun following the retreating waves as they flowed back into the ocean, then racing to avoid getting wet as a new wave would break onto the sand. We ended up walking a long way, enjoying the sounds and smells of the sea and stopping once in a while to examine broken shells or skip smooth rocks on the water. On the way back to our spot, I reached for Brianna’s hand and she gave it to me. That was nice.
We saw some children playing catch with a big, plastic ball. We stopped and watched. Just for fun, I began to give a play-by-play sports radio description of the game. “Look at that. That is the best catch I’ve seen all day!” I shouted in my radio voice. The kids loved it that an adult would make a big deal out of their game.
On our way back to our home on the beach, that is, our blanket and towels and cooler, Brianna said, “That was nice what you did for those kids.”
“I think it’s what my first mom would have done. I keep wanting to be more like her.”
“You’re plenty amazing already,” Brianna said. “You don’t need to change.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true.”
“The truth is, I don’t know what I want to do with my life,” I admitted.
“You’ll find out, and when you do, it’ll be good. You’re not likely to waste your life on things that don’t matter.”
As we walked, we talked about everything—things from our childhood and high-school years we’d never told anyone else about.
“I love being here with you,” I said. “I’ve got an idea. Let’s just stay forever. We’ll sleep in the car at night and spend our days at the beach. Because I’m such a good guy, I’ll give you the backseat so you won’t have to contend with the steering wheel.”
“And where will we take showers?”
“We’ll use the public changing rooms. I happen to like the showers in the men’s dressing room. I’m sure the women’s are just as nice.”
“That’s a little more public than I’d prefer.”
“We’ll go early in the morning then.”
“I can see you’ve got this all worked out,” she said with a silly grin.
“Absolutely.”
“And how will we make enough money to live?” she asked.
“My mom was an artist, so maybe I can become one too. I’ll sell my paintings to people who come here every day.”
“When’s the last time you did any artwork?”
Since I didn’t want her to know I’d recently worked on sketching her face, I avoided the question. “Well, let me just say that in the ninth grade, I was very good.”
“You mean compared to other ninth graders, right?”
“Some people have natural talent,” I said.
“Well, maybe you’re right.”
“And even if I’m not very good, we’ll sell badly done paintings to people without much artistic sense. And in the winter we’ll move to Florida.”
“What about Thomas?”
“If he can paint a halfway decent beach scene, he can come with us.”
“The three of us, then?”
“That’s right. The three of us. It’s the three of us most of the time anyway, isn’t it?”
“Sometimes it is.”
We arrived back at our cooler and got out our lunch. Before we started eating, Brianna said, “We should say a blessing.”
People were walking by, and I felt a little self-conscious praying like that in public, but Brianna was waiting for me to take the lead.
“You’re right. I’ll say it,” I said.
I gave a short prayer, then we unwrapped our sandwiches.
“Do you think about him when you’re with me?” I asked.
“About Thomas? I do, but not the way you think.”
“How do you think about him?”
“Mostly I compare him with you.”
“And your conclusions?” I asked.
“I’m always very happy when I’m with you.”
“Too bad I don’t have an education, isn’t it?”
“You wouldn’t be more fun if you had an education.”
“No, but I’d be more marriageable.”
“You’ll get an education at the Y, then those girls will be standing in line for you.”
“Right . . . those girls at the Y. That’s where my future lies.”
We ate in silence for a time, then Brianna said, “Let’s just have fun today, Adam. Let’s not think about the future.”
“I’ve been doing that very well this summer. I’ve had so much fun working for my grandfather. I’m not all that sure I even want to go to the Y. I think I’d be perfectly happy just staying here.”
“But you’ve got to get an education, don’t you?”
“I don’t know.” I paused. “Sometimes I think my second mom in Utah has programmed me to follow in my dad’s footsteps: marry some girl she’s picked out for me; take over my dad’s business; and live close to home so my mom will be able to spoil my kids.”
“And what would be so terrible about such a plan, if it exists?”
“I don’t know. You’re right. I’m being too critical of her. But I just can’t see majoring in information systems anymore.”
“Fine. What do you want to major in?”
“I don’t know.” I paused. “I want to be . . . more of a free spirit.”
She shook her head and laughed. “I’m not sure you can major in that.”
“This is all new to me. Is there any problem with a guy taking a little time to decide what he wants to do for the rest of his life?”
“No problem at all . . . as long as it doesn’t take him twenty years to make the decision.”
We broke out some drinks, and Brianna opened a bag of chips.
Sitting next to her on the blanket, watching the waves rolling in, and enjoying the food and the sunshine made it an absolutely perfect day. It was true, I would have been happy to stay there all summer.
Brianna must have felt the same way. “This has been such a great day,” she said. “Thank you, Adam.”
“I’m not bad for a summer fill-in, am I? Of course I know you’re just counting the days until Thomas gets the official seal of approval by passing the bar exam. And then you two can get married and spend the rest of your life litigating together.”
She gave me an irritated glance. “Here’s a little advice I learned from law school. Don’t voice opinions on topics you’re totally ignorant about.”
“Well, thank you very much. I’ll write that down when I get home. I’m sure it will be useful. I mean, after all, I’ve never been to law school.”
It was a mean thing to say, and Brianna looked as though she might cry and turned away from me.
“You had to ruin it, didn’t you?” she asked.
“Ruin what?”
“Our day at the beach.”
“I was just facing reality, that’s all. I’m going to move away, and you’re going to get married to Thomas. After a few weeks, we’ll never see each other again. This was a great day, but it’s only one day, and it’s not a lifetime.”
“I wish it could be.”
“Me too. More than you’ll ever know. But, you know what, we’re not going there, okay?”
I started to gather up our things and preparing to leave. “Can’t we stay here a little longer?” she asked.
“No. Our day at the beach is over, Brianna. Let’s just go home.”
A few minutes later we had packed up, changed back into our regular clothes, and were on the road again. We didn’t speak for the first few minutes.
Finally she broke the silence. “Do you actually think that the only reason I’m thinking of marrying Thomas is because he’ll have a law degree?”
“Maybe it’s not the only reason, but it is one of the reasons, isn’t it?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“It’s okay. It’s natural you’d want someone you can talk to. I mean, someone who speaks your language.”
She nodded. “Maybe so.”
“If you and I were together, and you started talking about Roe v. Wade, I’d think you were talking about a tennis match.”
She didn’t want to, but that made her smile.
When we pulled in front of her apartment, she said, “Do you want to come in?”
“Is that such a good idea?”
“Probably not.”
“I’ll walk you to your door.”
We got out of the car, and I carried Brianna’s cooler to the entry of her apartment. She turned to me. “You know what? Even when we’re not getting along, you’re more fun than any other guy I’ve ever known.”
“Thanks, I think.” I set the cooler down.
“We’re friends, so it’s okay if you give me a hug,” she said.
I took her in my arms and held her.
“We won’t kiss, though, right?” I asked.
“Right. That wouldn’t be right for us to kiss.”
We were hugging with the most innocent of intentions when she looked up at me, and then we kissed for the first time.
We could hear the phone in her apartment, ringing through the door. She stayed in my arms.
“Aren’t you going to get that?” I asked.
“No.”
“Why aren’t you going to answer it?”
“It’s Thomas. I told him to call me at nine.”
“If you don’t answer it, he’ll be worried.”
“If I answer it and get rid of him right away, as fast as I can, will you stay?”
I looked at my watch. “I can’t stay here much longer, whether you answer it or not.”
“Adam, we really need to talk.”
“It’s about the kissing, isn’t it? Let me guess, this is the I just want to be friends talk, isn’t it?”
“What do you want, Adam? For us to kiss every time we’re together from now on and never talk about what it means? Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want. This is really getting complicated.”
“I know. We need to talk.”
“I’m not ready to talk to you yet, Counselor. I have to prepare my case.”
She slammed the door on her way in.
We both knew what we needed. We needed to just be friends. The only problem was that, for me, it was getting more and more difficult to do that.
10
Sunday, July 7
This was the day I was to accompany Brianna when she sang for her stake council meeting. I woke up at five-thirty and couldn’t go back to sleep. I lay in bed and stared at the clock, watching as each minute was first proudly displayed by my digital clock and then quietly discarded.
I had never been so conscious of time as I was now, knowing that each day brought Brianna and me closer to the time when our summer would end and we would take our separate paths—me to Utah and she, eventually, to Michigan to begin married life with Thomas.
The thought of saying good-bye to Brianna was depressing enough, but on top of that I dreaded coming to the end of my happy life working for my grandfather. Every day of work was like when a boy wakes up on his birthday and finds a brand-new bike in the living room. I loved fixing people’s leaky faucets. I loved mowing lawns, perched on a new riding mower, and then, afterwards, playing Clumsy Monster with the kids who lived there, with their moms watching me make a fool of myself, but, afterwards, thanking me for paying attention to their kids.
I loved living with my grandparents and learning more and more about my first mom. I discovered that in many ways, I was a lot like her. When I would sometimes feel bad because I couldn’t seem to measure up to my second mom’s expectations, I would remind myself that it was okay—I was just being Charly’s boy, Adam.
Dreading leaving Brianna was not my only concern. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I thought about starting college. Now that I’d ruled out majoring in information systems, I didn’t have any idea what to choose. I dreaded the idea of being confined to a classroom, having to study all the time, being bored out of my mind by the dry professors, and struggling to stay awake in the library.
I also worried about what my folks would say when they realized how much I’d changed during the summer. I didn’t feel like the same person who’d left Utah in June.
Strangely enough, the one thing I didn’t worry about anymore was the temptation to access Internet pornography. Maybe it was the closeness I felt to my real mom or the love I felt from my grandparents or the time I had been able to spend with Brianna, but the idea of watching that stuff no longer tempted me.
My alarm went off at six. I showered and then got ready for church.
At seven-fifteen I entered the Relief Society room in Newark where I would accompany Brianna as she sang “Lord, I Would Follow Thee” for a stake council meeting.
She was sitting at the piano. She stood up to greet me.
“Good morning,” she said. She seemed a little standoffish to me.
It’s because we kissed last night, and she feels guilty about it, I thought.
“Good morning,” I said, trying out the role of distant friend. “Well, we’d better get started. Do you need to warm up?” I sat down next to her on the piano bench.
“I already did. I think we can just go ahead and start.”
We practiced for ten minutes, until people began gathering in the room, then we took our seats on the front row.
The meeting began at seven-thirty. After the opening song and prayer, the stake president introduced Brianna. Before she began she thanked me for being her accompanist.
It turned out all right. After we finished, we were warmly thanked and then excused.
We walked out to the parking lot together.
“My grandparents would like you to
have dinner with us after church today,” I said.
“I’d better not,” she said softly.
“I don’t agree. I think you should.”
“Why?”
“My grandparents love you. Don’t punish them just because I tried to kiss you last night.”
“It wasn’t just a try, Adam. And it wasn’t just you. We actually kissed, and it was as much my fault as it was yours.”
“So you feel guilty about it?”
“Of course I feel guilty.”
“Why? You’re not engaged.”
“No, but that’s just a formality. Don’t you think I owe a certain loyalty to the guy I’m planning on marrying?”
“You’re right. What happened last night was all my fault,” I said.
“No, it wasn’t—that’s the problem. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’ve always been able to set a course in life and move toward it. And now, I don’t know, I can’t seem to focus on what I need to do.”
“I really hate to see you feeling guilty. Look, I can do better. Let’s just be friends while I’m here. I’ll be leaving the twenty-first of August. It’ll be here before we know it. Let’s just keep seeing each other until I go.”
“We’ll have to be very careful.”
“We will. I promise.”
She sighed. “All right, we’ll try and see how it goes.”
“Thank you.”
Brianna’s block meeting let out the same time as my grandparents’ ward, but she had farther to drive, so we beat her to the house. She showed up a half hour later. Once again, she and I were assigned to make a salad, but this time there was no water fight. We were working on decorum that day.
Brianna and I offered to do the dishes. At first Grandma Claire protested, but we told her we were fine and that she and Eddie could just relax. He finally convinced her to let us clean up, and they went upstairs to their room.
After doing the dishes and putting things away, Brianna and I sat across from each other at the kitchen table and read the scriptures. When we came to a passage we especially liked, we would read it out loud and then talk about it.
It was a great feeling to be reading the scriptures with Brianna. It felt safe and comfortable, being together in that way. But it made me also think about how quickly the summer was going.