In short, keep an eye on your citizens. The wall around my kingdom wasn’t built only to keep the wolves out; it’s also to keep the troublemaking idiots inside. Shall I proceed?
4. You must entertain your pets. A restless pet is more likely to lash out at their master than a well-exercised one is.
This is why it’s very important to create traditions and celebrations for your people to participate in. Throw a parade, host a ceremony, give them a holiday once in a while! Make your people feel good about being your citizens so they never gang together and plot your downfall. Make sense? Terrific!
5. You must be very clear with your pets about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior: A) They must be shown the proper places to use the restroom. B) Guests are not to be jumped on. C) They must be taught that chewing, barking, and humping your leg will not be tolerated.
I wish the traits mentioned above applied only to pets, but we have our fair share of bizarre people in this kingdom—it’s a long story. Moving on! Last but not least:
6. In moments of weakness, you can distract your pets with shiny objects.
If there is any confusion regarding how this applies to peasants, please see the part about jewelry in chapter 2.
As I’ve brilliantly laid out, it’s not about being feared or loved but how you define a combination of the two. In my opinion, imagining yourself as the caring but authoritative master of a doe-eyed helpless creature is the most effective way to run a kingdom. Am I good, or am I good?
If you’re timid about this philosophy, I recommend adopting a pet. I’ve learned more about governing from my overgrown canine, Clawdius, than from all the current and previous rulers in history.
However you decide to label your relationship with your people, it’s very crucial you do it quickly. The earlier you set guidelines and boundaries, the sooner they’ll adapt and grow accustomed to them.
You NEVER want to surprise your people! A surprising monarch may come across as an irrational one; irrationality leads to hatred, and hatred leads to a revolution, and a revolution leads to dirty villagers running amok in your castle. And if there’s one thing I hate more than anything, it’s uninvited guests.
A ruler must be pleasantly predictable at all times, yet also exercise spontaneity when it’s safe. There’s a thin line between predictability and repetition, and being repetitive could lead to disappointment. In that regard, reigning is like cooking a lamb stew: Only spice things up when you’re certain it won’t result in heartburn or indigestion. No one wants to live in a gassy monarchy.
Well, I’ve used a lot of big words and clever metaphors in this chapter. I’m very proud of myself. Being a political genius is exhausting, so I think I’ll put my quill down and call it a night.
I have to get up early tomorrow and walk my kingdom! Get it? Because peasants are like pets.… Yes, good night.
Chapter 6
Making a Scandal Work for You
Nothing can damage a monarch’s reputation like a scandal. Your enemies will constantly be on the lookout for something they can use to tarnish your name, whether it’s political or personal. Since a scandal is bound to surface during your reign, I wouldn’t waste your time trying to prevent the inevitable—that would be exhausting! Instead, save your energy for when a scandal presents itself and then put all your effort into making the scandal work for you!
A couple years ago, I was on the brink of a humiliation that almost cost me the throne. Luckily, I brilliantly spun the situation to work in my favor and make my criticizers look like terrible and heartless people. Remember, when someone points a finger at you, they point three at themselves (unless they have hooves; then ignore this expression).
You must develop a talent for finding what your enemies’ opposing fingers are pointing at! Anyone willing to openly criticize you will undoubtedly have something for you to criticize back! I’ll explain.…
One afternoon, I treated my royal subjects to a delightful lunch at the castle. Everyone was there—Granny, the Little Old Woman from the Shoe Inn, the third Little Pig, Sir Jack Horner, Lady Muffet, and Sir BaaBaa Blacksheep. But the Three Blind Mice showed up late because their nephew, Hickory Dickory, had gotten into some trouble with a clock again. (Where is Puss in Boots when you need him?)
We were having a wonderful time gossiping about notable people in the kingdom. We laughed over our suspicions of what really happened between Jack and Jill on the hill, if Humpty Dumpty’s widow had anything to do with his death, and if Georgie Porgie’s current relationship would outlast the previous disasters—the usual topics.
Suddenly, the Little Old Woman blurted out, “Did you hear the chatter about Queen Red?”
The poor dear is hard of hearing and has gone senile in recent years (I probably would, too, if I lived in a boot with 150 grandchildren). She had obviously forgotten she was in my presence. Other monarchs may have taken offense to this, but it’s actually the reason I keep the Little Old Woman around. If you want unbiased social insight, I recommend befriending an absentminded old lady with nothing to prove.
“Can’t say I have,” I said through a pained smile. “Please share.”
The other subjects were mortified. They gestured for her to be quiet, but the Little Old Woman thought they were just eager to hear.
“The rumor in our sewing group is that she’s shacking up with a large amphibian!” she said with excited eyes. “It’s a cross-species catastrophe!”
I turned pale and my chest felt very tight (my corset didn’t help). I was shocked, not because it was an outrageous lie but because it was true—I just had never thought of it that way! The public is excellent at making things seem as bad as possible.
“You mean Charlie?” I said. “But he isn’t just a frog—he’s a prince on the inside!”
My subjects batted their eyes pityingly at me. The third Little Pig patted my shoulder sympathetically.
“Love is in the eye of the beholder,” he said.
“No, I mean he’s LITERALLY a prince!” I said. “He was cursed to look like a frog by a witch when he was young! I would never be interested unless I knew there was a royal somewhere inside him!”
“Well, I suppose it’s what’s inside that counts,” Granny said.
Regardless, this was terrible news! If the kingdom elders were talking about it as they crocheted tea cozies, the rest of the kingdom was surely talking about it, too! It would only be a matter of time before my relationship with Charlie was deemed unnatural or demonic and I would be labeled a freak and unfit to lead! I had to do something drastic. And I had to do it fast!
The next day I called the entire kingdom to the castle. I stepped out onto the balcony and announced the following to the crowd below:
“Fellow Hoodians, because of your adorable obsession with me, I trust you’ve all heard the rumor about my relationship with the frog man. At this time, I feel I must tell you that this rumor… is absolutely true!”
A collective gasp swept through the crowd. I tend to be dramatic when addressing my people, but it’s very important to entertain them. The more stimulating you are, the more people show up when you summon them.
“I recently heard our relationship referred to as a cross-species catastrophe! This was very troubling, and it concerned me so much I lost twenty minutes of sleep last night. You see, this frog man is an amphibian only on the outside. Inside, he’s the long-lost Charming prince who was cursed to look like a frog many years ago. I’ve chosen to love him despite his flaws, just as I love you.”
(Do you see what I did there? I replaced their mistrust with sympathy! Goooooo, Queen Red!)
“Even though people have spread word of our relationship in an attempt to hurt me, I already forgive you for believing it. It takes a person of impeccable judgment to look past a person’s appearance, so I would never expect you to see him as I do.”
(When you can, guilt people into loving you! It’s as effective as it is fun.)
“However, what troubled me
the most was not that it was characterized as a cross-species relationship, but that everyone’s immediate reaction was to shun it as an offense against nature. Are we still living in the Dragon Age? I would hope by now we’re sophisticated enough to realize love is love, regardless of age, color, gender, and yes, species. That is why I would like to publically declare that, as long as I am your queen, everyone in my kingdom will have the right to love whomever they wish!”
The declaration was met with an enthusiastic round of applause. I even had to clap for myself—I turned a scandal conspired against me into something my people could respect and admire me more for. I’d like to see Cinderella top that!
A farmer in the front of the crowd raised his hand.
“Yes, noble farmer?” I asked. “What is your question?”
“Does this mean I can marry my cow?” he asked.
I definitely wasn’t expecting this.
“That depends,” I said. “Does your cow love you as much as you love it? Do you miss each other when you’re apart? Does your cow embody your happiness? Do you look into each other’s eyes and know you’ve found your other half?”
The farmer shook his head. “No, she just eats grass all day.”
“Does she even talk?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “She’s a simple cow.”
At this point, I couldn’t hide my annoyance. “Then no! You can’t marry your cow. And you’re ridiculous for asking.”
“Your Majesty?” a woman asked. “Then what’s the difference between loving a cow and loving the frog man?”
“Seriously, people?” I asked. “Do I really need to spell this out for you?”
Judging by the blank doe-eyed expressions on the dirty faces throughout the crowd, I did.
“There is a major difference between an animal who can communicate and reason, and one who grazes all day,” I said. “No one should marry anything they can’t share a conversation or a mutual hobby with.”
“But what if I liked to eat grass all day, too?” the farmer asked. “Are we allowed to love each other if there are similar interests?”
It was one of the first times I wanted to take off my tiara and throw it at someone. Now do you see why I’m the queen?
“As long as both parties can definitively express their happiness and desire to be with the other, fantastic! Otherwise, no! Those are the best guidelines I can give you.”
“Fair enough,” the farmer said, and the rest of the crowd nodded along with him.
“Would you recommend being in a cross-species relationship?” the woman asked. “Like, if I haven’t found the right human yet, should I broaden my search?”
“I’m not saying one is better than the other,” I specified. “I’m just saying we should all have an open mind when it comes to love. You’ll never really know what you’re looking for until you find it. Trust me, I spent years pursuing the man I thought was the love of my life. He was the closest thing to perfection I had ever known, besides myself, so I was certain we were meant for each other. Thankfully, I learned I was wrong before it was too late. I found true happiness with someone who was the opposite of what I was looking for. He’s not the definition of perfection, but he’s perfect to me.”
“Are you talking about Jack?” the farmer said. “Is he the man you pursued?”
“Of course she’s talking about Jack!” another woman said. “Everyone knows she was madly in love with Jack!”
“Hold on a second!” I yelled. “Everyone knew that?”
The crowd nodded in unison.
“Didn’t Jack choose an outlaw over you, Your Majesty?” a child asked. “At least, that’s what all the children at school say.”
My face suddenly felt very warm and my jewelry felt extra heavy.
“Well, I think that’s enough groundbreaking history for one afternoon. Now, I must be alone to think about matters of the kingdom. Enjoy the rest of your day!”
There you have it: a travesty avoided! I masterfully went to the root of the issue and turned a weed into a beautiful flower! Not to mention making history in the process—and all before afternoon tea! I sure pity the monarchs who will succeed me; no one will be able to hold a candle to my reign!
Chapter 7
Avoiding Hatred and Villainy
Nothing in politics is black and white, but we do live in a world obsessed with labeling people as heroes or villains. Any leader who falls into a “gray area” is rarely remembered. In fact, I can’t think of a single leader in history who was just decent. My tutors must have skipped the lessons about Anne the Ample, Stephen the Simple, and Mary the Mediocre.
Unfortunately, great or terrible are the only options if you want to make a splash. It’s a slippery slope to Herotown, and all the shortcuts usually lead to Villainville, so never rush your reputation. Remember, every reign has bumps in the road, so don’t panic if you go through a “disliked” phase. This phase will turn into a legacy only if you grow impatient. Citizens always see through their leaders’ pathetic attempts to regain respect. (Except for my citizens—it usually goes right over their heads. Lucky me!)
In my opinion, being classified as a villain is just the result of a mishandled scandal. (Fortunately, I’ve already taught you how to manage that in the previous chapter.) Despite popular belief within my kingdom, we can actually learn from other people’s mistakes! So rather than distancing yourself from someone’s downfall, I recommend putting yourself in their shoes (even the ugly pairs).
By evaluating how some of the poorest saps in history conducted a situation, we can learn how to productively assess our own rough patches in the future. Besides, it’s just fun to judge people!
The Evil Queen
Snow White’s stepmother is remembered for lounging around her luxurious palace and staring into mirrors all day. I do the exact same thing, so why am I so beloved, while the Evil Queen is not? It’s because I let my people know why I do it (please see chapter 2).
The Evil Queen didn’t care what her people thought, so they drew their own conclusions and she never recovered. Ultimately, I think the Evil Queen’s lack of communication and inability to think things through led to her downfall.
Here’s what I think she should have done differently:
1. The Evil Queen should have been honest from the beginning about her past. By the time the truth came out (her boyfriend was imprisoned in a mirror blah blah blah… she was only vain so he didn’t forget her blah blah blah… she had a heart of stone cue the violin… ), it was too late! People’s opinion of her was already sealed! Had people known the truth, she would have her own holiday right now, not be trapped at the bottom of a dump. (It’s a long story, so if you have questions, ask a friend.)
2. I’m not promoting violence, but the Evil Queen could have come up with easier ways to kill Snow White. For instance, they lived in a HUGE palace with lots of stairs and windows. Had Snow White just “accidently tripped down steps” or “fallen out a window,” no one would have suspected foul play! Also, Snow White was so pale she was practically see-through. Had the Evil Queen just locked her outside during a blizzard, no one would have found her until spring!
3. When the Evil Queen was accused of killing Snow White, she had the opportunity to come up with a great defense. For example, “Wait a second. You’re telling me my stepdaughter ran away from home, shacked up with seven strange men for a few months, and now she’s accusing me of trying to kill her with a poisoned apple? And you think I’m the imbalanced one?”
We can learn three things from the Evil Queen: Always be honest so you aren’t misunderstood, do your dirty work behind closed doors, and if you’re not smart enough to devise a good alibi, don’t commit a crime!
The Wicked Stepmother
In retrospect, Cinderella’s stepmother makes Snow White’s stepmother look like mother of the year. I’ve never understood why people dislike her so much. I mean, many stepparents don’t get along with their stepchildren. Had I been Cinderella’s stepm
other, I would have stated one of the following in my defense when the kingdom turned on me.
1. “Yes, I gave Cinderella chores to do around the house. Just like every parent ever.” (For the record, if your child is obviously common, like Cinderella, I support the assignment of chores. I only have a problem with it when the child shows a higher level of potential, such as I did.)
2. “I didn’t want Cinderella to go to the ball, because Cinderella talks to mice. Would you let that kind of crazy out of the house?”
3. “I can’t be much worse than her real mother. Cinderella’s mother named her after dirt.”
4. “Of course I tried tricking the prince into marrying my daughters. Have you met my daughters? They’re awful. Would you want to be stuck with them for the rest of your life?”
5. “Obviously I never wanted Cinderella to be queen. Cinderella wore glass shoes to a dance party. Do you consider that leadership material?”
Clearly, the Wicked Stepmother had many logical points with which to defend herself. Instead, she stayed quiet and sequestered herself from the kingdom, only making herself look guiltier. This teaches us that the right to remain silent isn’t always the right move.