“Wherever; you didn’t have to fold it.” He laughs.
My mind goes to the closet in the apartment and how Hardin shoves random things in there just to drive me insane.
“Do you have anything going on today?” I ask him.
“I worked this morning, so no.”
“Already?”
“Yeah, from nine to noon.” He smiles. “I basically only went in to fix my truck.”
I forgot that Zed works as a mechanic. I don’t really know much about him at all. Except that he has pretty good stamina if he can sleep two hours and then work like that.
“Environmental studies prodigy by day, grease monkey by night?” I tease, and he chuckles.
“Something like that; what are your plans?”
“I don’t know. I need to get something to wear to my boss’s dinner party tomorrow.” For a moment I think about asking Zed to come along, but that would be wrong. I’d never do that; it would make everyone uncomfortable, including myself.
Zed and I had come to an agreement that we weren’t going to push anything. We’re just going to spend time together and see where it goes. He isn’t going to push me to move on from Hardin; we both know that I need more time before I can consider dating anyone. I have too much to figure out—like finding somewhere to live, for starters.
“I can come along if you want? Or maybe we could see a movie later?” he asks nervously.
“Yeah, either one is fine.” I smile and check my phone.
No missed calls. No text messages. No voicemails.
Zed and I end up ordering pizza and hanging out for the majority of the day until I finally leave to go back to Landon’s to take a shower. On my way back I stop by the mall right before it closes and happen upon the perfect red dress with a square neckline; it rests just above my knees. It’s not too conservative but not too revealing either.
By the time I get back to Landon’s, there is a note on the counter next to a plate of food that Karen put aside for me. Her and Ken went to a movie and will be back soon, it says.
I’m relieved to have the place to myself even though when they’re there, I don’t really notice because the house is so large. I take a shower and put on pajamas before lying down and forcing myself to catch up on my sleep.
My dreams shift back and forth between green- and golden-eyed boys.
chapter eighty-seven
TESSA
Eleven days. It’s been eleven days since I’ve heard from Hardin, and it hasn’t been easy.
But Zed’s company has surely helped.
Tonight is the dinner party at Christian’s, and all day I’ve become increasingly afraid that being around the familiar faces there will remind me of Hardin and knock at the walls that I’ve been building. All it will take is one small crack and I’ll no longer be protected.
Finally, when it’s time to go, I take a deep breath and check myself one last time in the mirror. My hair is the same way it always is, down and curled in loose waves, but my makeup is darker than usual. I slide Hardin’s bracelet over my wrist; even though I know I shouldn’t be wearing it, I feel naked without it. It’s such a part of me now, the way he is . . . was. The dress looks even better today than it did yesterday, and I’m grateful that I’ve gained back the few pounds that I lost during the first few days of barely eating.
“I just want it back the way it was before. And I just want to see you back at my front door . . .” The music plays as I grab my small clutch purse. After one more beat, I pull the buds out of my ears and place them inside.
When I meet Karen and Ken downstairs, they’re dressed to a T. Karen is in a long blue-and-white-patterned gown, and Ken is wearing a suit and tie.
“You look so lovely,” I say to her, and her cheeks flush.
“Thank you, dear, so do you.” She beams.
She is so sweet. I’m going to miss seeing her and Ken so often when I have to leave.
“I was thinking that sometime this week we could go out to the greenhouse and work a little?” she asks me as we walk to the car, my nude heels clanking loudly on the concrete driveway.
“I would love to,” I tell her and climb into the back of their Volvo.
“This will be so much fun. We haven’t been to a party like this in a while.” Karen takes Ken’s hand in hers and places it on her lap as he pulls out of the driveway.
Their affection doesn’t make me envious, it reminds me that people can actually be good to each other.
“Landon will be home from New York late tonight. I’ll be picking him up at two a.m.,” Karen says excitedly.
“I can’t wait for him to be back,” I say. And I really mean it—I’ve missed my best friend, his words of wisdom, and his warm smile.
CHRISTIAN VANCE’S HOUSE is exactly how I had imagined it would be. Extremely modern in style, the entire structure is nearly transparent, beams and glass appearing to be the only things securing it to the hill. Every decoration and detail is styled to blend into a perfect theme throughout the entire interior. It’s amazing, and reminds me of a museum in the way that nothing in it looks like it’s even been touched before.
Kimberly greets us at the front door. “Thank you guys so much for coming,” she says, pulling me into her arms.
“Thank you for inviting us.” Ken shakes Christian’s hand. “Congratulations on the big move.”
I lose my breath at the sight of the water just out the back windows. Now I understand why most of the house is glass—the house sits on a large lake. The water outside seems endless, and the setting sun makes the whole panorama even more breathtaking as it reflects off the lake, nearly blinding me. That the house is on a hill and the yard is slightly sloped creates the illusion that you’re floating on top of the water.
“Everyone’s in here.” Kimberly leads us to their dining room, which, like the rest of the house, is perfect.
None of this is my style—I prefer more old-fashioned decor—but Vance’s place really is exquisite. Two elongated, rectangular dinner tables fill the space, each full of multicolored flowers and small bowls with floating candles inside for each place setting. The napkins are folded into the shape of flowers, a silver ring holding them in place. It’s beautiful. So elegant and colorful, it looks like something straight from a magazine. Kimberly really has gone all out for this party.
Trevor is sitting at the table closest to the window along with a few other faces I recognize from the office, including Crystal from marketing and her soon-to-be husband. Smith is seated two chairs down and has his face buried in some sort of handheld video game.
“You look beautiful.” Trevor smiles at me and rises from his seat to greet Ken and Karen.
“Thank you. How are you?” I ask.
His tie is the exact same shade of blue as his eyes, which are bright and beaming. “Great, ready for the big move!”
“I bet!” I say, but am really thinking, If only I were able to move to Seattle now . . .
“Trevor, it’s nice to see you.” Ken shakes his hand, and I look down when I feel a slight tug at my dress.
“Hi, Smith, how are you?” I ask the little boy with shining green eyes.
“Okay.” He shrugs. Then, in a quiet voice, he asks, “Where’s your Hardin?”
I don’t know what else to say, and the way Smith called him “my Hardin” stirs something in me. The stone wall is already beginning to chip away, and I’ve only been here for ten minutes. “He’s, um . . . he’s not here right now.”
“He’s coming, though?”
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t think he is, honey.”
“Oh.”
It’s a terrible lie and one that anyone who knows Hardin would see through, but I tell the little guy, “But he did say to tell you hello,” and I ruffle his hair a little. Now Hardin has me lying to children. Great.
Smith half smiles and sits back down at the table. “Okay. I like your Hardin.”
Me, too, I want to tell him, but he’s not mine.
; Within fifteen minutes, twenty more people arrive, and Christian has turned on his super-high-tech stereo system. With only a click of a button, a soft piano melody spreads through the house. Young men in white-collared shirts begin to circle the room with trays of appetizers, and I help myself to something that looks like a small piece of bread topped with tomatoes and sauce.
“The Seattle office is breathtaking—you should see it,” Christian says to a small group of us. “It’s right on the water; it’s two times larger than our office here. I can’t believe I’m finally expanding.”
I try to appear as interested as I can as a waiter hands me a glass of white wine. Well, I am interested—I’m just distracted. Distracted by the mention of Hardin and the idea of Seattle. As I stare out the glass wall at the water, I imagine Hardin and me moving into an apartment together amid the excitement of a new city, a new place, and new people. We would make new friends and start a new life there, together. Hardin would work for Vance again and he’d brag all day and night about how he makes more money than me, and I would fight him to be allowed to pay the cable bill.
“Tessa?”
I’m brought out of my pointless daydream by the sound of Trevor’s voice. “Sorry . . .” I stutter and realize it’s just the two of us now, and he’s beginning or finishing a story that I wasn’t even aware he was telling.
“As I was saying, my apartment is close to the new building and right in the middle of downtown—you should see the view.” He smiles. “The Seattle skyline is so beautiful, especially at night.”
I smile and nod. I bet it is. I bet it really, really is.
chapter eighty-eight
HARDIN
What the fuck am I doing?
I keep pacing back and forth. This was a stupid fucking idea to begin with.
I kick a stone across the driveway. What am I expecting to happen . . . that she’ll run into my arms and forgive me for all the shit I have done to her? She’ll suddenly believe that I didn’t sleep with Carly?
I look up at Vance’s gorgeous house. Tessa probably isn’t even in there, and I’ll look like an idiot showing up uninvited. Actually, I’ll look like a dumb-ass either way. I should just leave.
Besides, this shirt is fucking itchy, and I hate dressing up. It’s only a black button-up shirt, but still.
Seeing my father’s car, I walk up the driveway a little bit and look inside. In the backseat is that hideous purse that Tessa brings along to every single function she attends.
So she’s inside, she’s in there. My empty stomach flutters at the idea of seeing her, of being close to her. What would I even say? I don’t know. I have to explain how my days have been complete hell since I left for England and how I need her, I need her more than anything. I have to tell her that I’m an asshole and I can’t believe that I fucked up the one good thing in my life, her. She’s everything to me, she always will be.
I’ll just go inside and get her to leave with me so we can talk—I’m nervous, fuck am I nervous.
I’m going to throw up. No. But if there were food in my stomach , I’m sure I would. I know I look like complete shit; I wonder if she does. Not that she ever could, but has it been as hard for her as it’s been for me?
I finally reach the front door, but then turn back around. I hate being around people as it is, and there are at least fifteen cars in this driveway. Everyone will stare at me, and I’ll look like a goddamned fool, which is exactly what I am.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I spin around and quickly ring the doorbell.
This is for Tessa. This is for her, I keep reminding myself when Kim opens the door with a surprised smile.
“Hardin? I didn’t know you’d be here,” she says. I can tell she’s trying her hardest to be polite, but there’s an anger coming to the surface, probably because she’ll feel defensive of Tessa.
“Yeah . . . me either,” I reply.
Then a new emotion—pity. It seeps into her eyes when she takes in my appearance, which is probably even worse than I imagine, since I just got off the plane and came straight here.
“Well . . . come inside, it’s freezing out,” she offers and waves me inside.
For a moment I’m stunned by the way Vance’s house is decorated like a fucking work of art; it doesn’t even look like anyone lives here. It’s cool and all, but I like older things, not so Modern Art.
“We’re just getting ready to eat,” she tells me as I follow her into a dining room with glass walls.
And that’s when I see her.
My heart stops, and a pressure lands on my chest that is so overwhelming it nearly chokes me. As she listens to someone telling her a story or something, she smiles and slides her hand across her forehead to push her hair back. The reflection of the setting sun behind her makes her glow—literally—and I can’t move.
I hear her laugh, and for the first time in ten days I can breathe. I’ve missed her so much, and she looks phenomenal—she always does—but the red dress she’s wearing and the sun hitting her skin, the smile on her face . . . why is she smiling and laughing?
Shouldn’t she be crying and shouldn’t she look like hell? She giggles again, and my eyes finally discern who she’s talking to, who’s making her forget me.
Fucking Trevor. I hate that bastard so fucking much—I could walk over there and throw him through that glass window and no one would be able to stop me. Why the fuck is he always around her? He’s a fucking twit, and I’m going to fucking kill him.
No. I need to calm down. If I hurt him right now, Tessa will never listen to me.
I close my eyes for a few seconds and talk myself down. If I stay calm she’ll listen, and she’ll leave here with me so we can go home, where I’ll beg for her forgiveness, and she’ll tell me she still loves me, and we’ll make love and everything will be okay.
I continue to watch her; she looks animated as she begins to tell a story. The hand that isn’t holding the glass of wine moves around as she talks and smiles. My heart races as I spot the bracelet on her wrist. She’s still wearing it—she’s still wearing it. That’s a good sign; it has to be.
Fucking Trevor watches her intently, his expression holding an adoration for her that makes my blood boil. He looks like a love-sick puppy, and she’s feeding right into it.
Has she moved on already? With him?
It would break me if she did . . . but I couldn’t blame her, really. I haven’t returned her calls. I haven’t even bothered to purchase a new phone yet. She probably thinks I don’t care, that I’ve moved on already, too.
My mind travels back to that quiet street in England, to Natalie’s swollen belly, to Elijah’s adoring smile for his fiancée. Trevor is looking at Tessa that same way.
Trevor is her Elijah. He’s her second chance to have what she deserves.
The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I need to leave. I have to get out of here and leave her alone.
It now makes sense to me why I ran into Natalie that day. I saw the girl I hurt tremendously so I wouldn’t make the same mistake again with Tessa.
I have to leave. I have to get out of here before she sees me.
But the moment I admit this to myself, she looks up and her eyes meet mine. Her smile vanishes, and the glass of wine slips from her hand and shatters on the hardwood floor.
Everyone turns to look at her, but she stays focused on me. I break eye contact, and see Trevor looking at her, confused but ready to spring into action to help her.
Tessa blinks a few times, and her eyes travel to the floor. “I’m so sorry,” she says frantically and bends down to try to gather the pieces of broken glass.
“Oh, please—it’s okay! I’ll grab a broom and some paper towels,” Kimberly calls and hurries off.
I need to get the fuck out of here. I turn, ready to run. And nearly trip over a little person. I look down and see Smith, who’s staring at me blankly.
“Thought you weren’t coming,” he says.
I shake m
y head and pat him on the head. “Yeah . . . I was just leaving.”
“Why?”
“Because I shouldn’t be here,” I tell him and look over my shoulder. Trevor has grabbed the little brush from Kimberly and is helping Tessa gather the shards of glass and toss them into a small bag. There has to be some symbolism behind this, behind watching him help her pick up the pieces. Fucking metaphors.
“I don’t like it either.” Smith groans, and I look back at him and nod.
“Stay?” he asks innocently. Hopefully.
I look back and forth between Tessa and the kid. I don’t feel as annoyed with the little guy as I once did. I don’t think I have the energy to be annoyed with him.
A hand suddenly falls on my shoulder. “You should listen to him,” Christian says and squeezes a little. “At least stay until after dinner. Kim has put a lot of effort into tonight,” he adds with a warm smile.
I look over to where his girlfriend in her simple black dress wipes a towel across the mess Tessa made because of me. And of course, Tessa is right beside her, apologizing more than she probably needs to.
“Fine,” I agree and give Christian a nod.
If I can make it through this dinner, I can make it through anything. I’ll just swallow the pain that comes from watching Tessa be so complacent without me. She appeared unaffected until she saw me, and then, when she did, sadness took over her beautiful face.
I’ll act the same, act like she isn’t killing me with every blink of her eyes. If she’s under the impression that I don’t care, she’ll be free to move on and finally be treated the way that she deserves.
Kimberly finishes cleaning up right as one of the waiters rings a little dinner bell. “Well, now that the show’s over, it’s time to eat!” she says with a laugh and sweeps her arms to guide people to the tables.
I follow Christian to a table, then pick a seat at random, not paying attention to where Tessa and her “friend” are. I play with the silverware a little, until my father and Karen come over and greet me.
“I didn’t expect to see you here, Hardin,” my father says.