Willy started bouncing around in my hand. "Up and down! Up and down! Up and down! Do it, Lellamental! Do it!"
"I think ye'd appreciate a new head for yer shoulders too, if I don't miss me guess."
"Say what now?" I wasn't sure if he'd just issued a threat or delivered a very sly insult, and I was distracted by the very insistent pixie in my hand. This dwarf's expression told me nothing other than the fact that he wasn't that thrilled about seeing me or, apparently, helping me out.
He snorted. "I heard we have some problems with things slippin' through the cracks, but this takes the kettle and turns it on its rim, now don't it?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?" I said, my voice completely without humor. I was fairly certain that last comment had been an insult.
Willy's little voice broke through the conversation again. "Do-wit, do-wit, do-wit. Lellamental! Do it! I gotta pee though!"
The dwarf started talking again, pulling my attention away from the pixie once more. "Yer supposed to enter this realm with none o' yer baggage from the Here and Now. What happened to ya, then, if ya didn't slip through the cracks, as I strongly suspect ya did?"
"Listen old man, whatever baggage you're talking about doesn't matter. I told you, I don't belong here. I'm not living here, okay? I'm just passing through."
"I gotta pee really bad!" yelled Willy, struggling to break free from his prison.
The dwarf tightened his grip on his axe and held it up menacingly, causing me to take a step back in fear. "Ah ha! Another demon thinkin' she can come to my realm and try to force her dirty hide on my brothers and sisters! Never!" he yelled, acting like he was about to throw the weapon at me and possibly cut me in half in the process.
I blinked several times rapidly, frozen in place over the realization that I was about to be axed by a dwarf not even one day into my mission. I totally sucked at dragon-hunting. No wonder I was left off the list. I should have given Tony way more credit. Chess club strikes again.
"Wait!" came a voice from over my shoulder. "Stop!"
Spike to the rescue. I sighed with relief, and at the same time felt terrible that he had revealed himself for my sorry butt.
"She's not from the Underworld! She's the Mother of the fae!" Spike's voice trembled a bit but not with fear. He was running and tripping over to us from the tree where he'd been hiding, causing his words to come out in a tumble.
"What's this, then?!" yelled the dwarf, taking a step back and spreading his legs when he stopped. I recognized it for the battle stance that it was. Little guy was getting ready to take us both out at the same time if necessary. I had to respect his bravado if nothing else. He totally reminded me of Niles. Willy was right.
"I. Got. To. Pee, Lellamental. Pee-pee!" came the tiny, frustrated voice from my hand.
"Shush!" I urged quietly, looking down at my hand as casually as I could, using Spike's approach to mask my turning partially away so the dwarf wouldn't see what I was doing. "Just wait!"
Spike reached my side and held up his hands in a gesture of peace. "We're not demons; we're not even angels. She's telling the truth. We're just here to find our friends, talk to a dragon, and then leave. That's it. We swear." He crossed his heart with his finger.
The dwarf poked his axe in the direction of Spike's chest. "What's that yer doin' there? Puttin' an evil hex on me? It won't work, demon! I'm protected from yer spells!"
Spike frowned and looked at me for direction. I mocked the crossing the heart thing and rolled my eyes.
"Oh, this?" Spike held up his forefinger. "No, I'm just ... where I come from that's like a guarantee. It means I'm not lying."
"And if ye are?" he asked suspiciously. "What happens to ye then?"
"I hope to die."
"And why in the bloody hell would ye do that?" The dwarf slowly lowered the axe to his side, waiting for Spike's response, which he obviously thought would be the answer of a lunatic.
"So that you'll know I'm telling the truth."
"Senseless." The dwarf had made his judgment, apparently.
"Yeah, I guess it is. But I'm telling the truth." Spike shrugged, at a loss.
I shook my head. This was getting us nowhere. "Yeah, so he's telling the truth, I'm telling the truth, and now it's your turn. Who are you and what are you doing here?"
The dwarf puffed out his chest. "I am Triden, son of Alden, grandson of Marsden, great grandson of Helden, great great grandson of Barden, great great ..."
I cut him off. "Okay, so Triden was it?"
He nodded once, looking a little lost at not being able to finish his family tree.
"So, you sound pretty important with all that family history and stuff. And what are you doing out here?" I asked, gesturing around us.
"I am charged with pest control."
Spike and I exchanged looks before I responded with, "Pest control?"
"Yes. Eliminating or driving away the pesky creatures that live to enrage the guardians. We've had a rash of them lately, ya see, and it be my job to take care o' the problem."
"Would those critters happen to have prickly light webs coming out of their butts?" I asked.
He bristled. "You've seen them? Where?" He turned his head rapidly left and right. "Show me!"
"One went that way a little while ago after trying to web the both of us," said Spike, pointing to our left.
The dwarf looked at us suspiciously. "Ya haven't been ensnared, I can well see that. Do ya take me for a fool?" The axe came up again.
"No. It's true," I assured him. "They didn't work on me. They worked on my friends ... I mean, my friend, but not me."
"Friends?" The dwarf looked around us once more, spinning to see what was behind him before facing us again. "Who else is here?" he asked, taking another step back from us.
I figured we'd be much better off trying to remove any suspicion from his mind, so I lifted up my fist. "Here's the only other fae with us today, okay? His name is Willy, and I'd love to let him go so you can see him better, but he'll probably get lost, and his mother would kill me if that happened."
The dwarf squinted at me like he needed glasses and took several steps towards us, his eyes opening wider and wider as he got closer and closer. "Is that a ... "
"Yeah. It's a baby pixie," I confirmed.
"I'm nodda baby!" yelled Willy, twisting around to glare at me. "I'm a big-boy fae! Daddy says so!"
"That be a baby pixie?" said the dwarf, disbelief coloring his voice. "Ya have a baby pixie here?"
"Yes. He kind of snuck on board the train if you know what I mean."
The dwarf sniffed.
I stared hard at him, not sure I was seeing what was standing right in front of me.
The dwarf sniffed again and then wiped the corner of his eye, his breath hitching.
"Dude," said Spike, "are you crying?" He laughed uncomfortably, looking to me for an explanation that I sure as hell didn't have.
"It is such a sad, sad thing to me," said the dwarf in a weepy voice. "Even after an eon here, I still ...," his voice caught, "...to see such a wee lad gettin' only a short span in the Here and Now before he has to wait another eon for a second go. Such a rotten shame ... " He wiped away the tear that had spilled from the outside corner of his eye.
I held the pixie up closer to me, trying to figure out what the heck the dwarf was talking about, but Willy looked fine to me. "He's perfectly healthy," I said. "There's nothing wrong with this little guy that a little ladybug pee won't fix."
"No! No, Lellamental. No ladybug pee. It's yucky. I don't like it!" Willy was struggling to get free again.
"What do ya mean there?" asked the dwarf, sounding a little less sad.
"I mean, as we've already said, like ten times now, we are not from here. We are not staying here. We're just here on a mission - like a military mission."
"And who is your commander?" The dwarf straightened up, losing the lame-ass weepy voice, now that we were apparently speaking his language.
"The fae c
ouncil and ... Beau the angel. And Chase. And Shayla ... all of them are in Silver House or something."
"And you say you are Jayne?"
"Yes."
"And where are your commanders now?"
"The fae are in the Here and Now, and Beau is, ummm, battling some creatures back there somewhere." I jerked my thumb in the direction we came from. "I have no idea where the other two are. Chase had to leave."
"I am acquainted with these angel-guardians," he said in a scoffing tone, "but I cannot believe anyone with any sense would send children and babies on dangerous missions such as you've suggested. It doesn't bear thinking about." He snorted at the very idea.
I sighed heavily, taking Spike's arm and squeezing it gently because I knew he was about to spend another ten minutes trying to convince this hard-headed air bag that we were telling the truth and needed his help; and we didn't have time for that. It was time to cut to the chase, since we didn't know what the hell was after us and where the hell we were going.
I threw my shoulders back and stood as straight as I could. "Okay, listen up, old man ... I'm tired of this conversation. You either need to tell us where we should go to find a friggin dragon or get the hell out of our way, because we're done here."
The dwarf leaned his axe against his leg and crossed his arms, drawing one of his hands up to stroke his bearded chin. "Well, certainly I know of dragons ... but not the breed yer seeking in particular."
I was encouraged by his easy acceptance of my ultimatum. Now we were finally getting somewhere. "I didn't mention any specific breed. Any dragon is fine."
"Yes, ya did," said the dwarf, dropping his hand and frowning.
"No, I didn't!" I yelled, throwing my arms up, wondering if we might be dealing with a mentally ill dwarf at this point.
"We have only guardian dragons here. Not ... freggon dragons, I believe ya called them. What is a freggon dragon, by the by? Do they breathe fire like the guardians? Same size and whatnot?"
Spike snorted, but quickly tried to cover it up with a cough. "Uh-hem ... dry throat. Sorry." He took his canteen out of his bag and had a sip before putting it back.
I glared at him as he went through the motions before turning my attention back to the dwarf. "You misunderstood me. I'm just looking for a guardian dragon, not a friggin dragon. Can you tell us where one is or not?"
"If ya'd told me from the beginnin' that ya wanted a guardian dragon and not thrown me off with the whole freggon dragon - which I doubt very highly even exists because I'm well-acquainted with all of the dragons in these parts, and I've never heard of it - ya could have saved us both a lot o' trouble."
I clenched my teeth together, willing myself not to lose my cool or unleash the string of cuss words that were banging on the door to come out. Focus. Get the dragon on board, get the hell out of this realm. And do not piss off the locals.
"Well, I'm sorry about that," I said as diplomatically as possible. "I hope I didn't delay you too much. If you could just point us in the right direction, we'll get out of your hair." And hurry up about it before I'm tempted to strangle you more than I already want to.
"Ya said you were on a mission."
I nodded once. "Yes. I did. And we are."
"A journey of sorts. To find a dragon."
"Yes." Now, finally, we understand each other. Jesus H. on a friggin stick, why does this have to be so difficult?!
"Giorraíonn beirt bóthar," he said, nodding sagely, now leaning on his axe.
"Okaaaaay ... ," I said, wondering if he'd just put a hex on me or maybe given me directions to the nearest dragon nest. It was impossible to tell by his expression, most of it hidden behind a thick, gray beard.
"I will not tell you where to find a dragon," he said, smiling now.
"Why not?" I asked, getting pissed all over again and wondering why the jerk was acting so happy about not being helpful at all.
"Because, as I said, a journey is better when shared with companions. I will take you to the dragon."
"Oh," I said, partially mollified and mostly confused. "Okay, then. I guess that works."
"Yeah, man. That's cool. Thanks," said Spike, sounding genuinely happy. Apparently he wasn't worried about dealing with a lunatic battle-ready dwarf like I was.
"Ya say the pixie went that way, did ya?" he asked Spike.
"What pixie?" Spike looked at Willy in my hand.
"The one who tried to bind ye with a light-weave." He leaned over in my direction, never taking his eyes off Spike while speaking in a lower voice meant just for my ears. "Is he a wee bit slow, then?"
I laughed at Spike's offended expression. "No, he's not slow. But we didn't know the web-weaver was a pixie. She doesn't look like the pixies we know."
He jerked his head back, pulling chin to neck, obviously confused. "Well, what else would she be then?"
I shrugged. "How would I know? I'm not from here."
He jerked his chin out now, and then leaned towards Spike, speaking now only to him. "Is she soft in the head, then? Is that the problem?"
Now it was Spike's turn to laugh. "No, she's not soft, believe me. That's the last word I'd use to describe her head, or anyone who knows her would for that matter. But she is holding a pixie in her hand, so I can see how you'd wonder how we don't know one when we see one."
Understanding flicked on like a light in my head. "Oh, I get it. Maybe you don't remember from the Here and Now, Triden, but pixies there don't have light ropes or whatever coming out of their butts. Just pixie dust."
The dwarf smacked himself on the forehead. "Oh, yes. How could I forget. Pests in every realm." He shook his head. "Some things never change, no matter where they be."
"They really aren't pests in the Here and Now. They're just misunderstood," I said.
"I gotta pee. Oops. Never mind," said Willy.
I felt moisture in the palm of my hand and sighed. "On second thought, they really are pests, no matter where they are." I transferred Willy over into my other hand, and bend down to the ground where I wiped my wet palm off as best I could in the leaves.
"Problems?" asked Spike.
"Don't ask," I said, almost growling but stopping myself just in time. The little kid couldn't help himself; it was probably my fault for not listening to him in the first place and finding a spot for him to drop trou as soon as he'd said something. In the back of my mind, I'd been kind of hoping bodily functions weren't a part of life in the Overworld.
"Are ye ready, then?" asked Triden, lifting up his axe and holding it halfway down the handle. "We're burning the good light, and if ye want to find a dragon ye need to do it soon."
"Why soon?" asked Spike, stepping forward to follow Triden, gesturing for me to precede him.
"Because. They'll be moving on soon. Today will be the last day they are in my home."
"Why? And where's your home?" I asked, taking up my spot between Triden and Spike, concentrating on the ground so I wouldn't trip on one of the many branches that lay in our path.
Triden picked up his pace, easily avoiding the worst of the obstacles. "Why? Because ... they never stay in one place very long. And I live in the mountain known as Sliabh gCuillinn."
"What language is that?" I asked, hoping I wasn't being rude, but it sounded like nothing I'd ever heard before. Maybe it was angel-speak or something.
"It is Irish," he said, sounding as if he didn't believe that I didn't know that.
"I like it," I said. I'd always thought Irish was English with a kickass accent on it.
"Bah," he said, the one cheek I could see coloring a little pink. "It's nothing, really. Just one of many ways to communicate. Been speakin' it since I was a wee one."
"Why don't the dragons stay in one place for long?" asked Spike.
"Restless creatures. They don't belong here any more'n you do, I suppose." Triden took a sharp right turn through a break in the trees, which put us on what looked like a well-used and much easier to navigate path.
I nodded as I thoug
ht about what he said. If I'd gotten sent here forever for something I didn't do, I'd be restless too. Or more like super pissed. For some reason that thought caused images of Torrie to jump into my mind, but I quickly pushed them away. The last thing I needed to be stressing about was a demon a million miles and two realms away from here.
"So where are we going?" asked Spike. "To your mountain?"
"To the entrance of me home. Whether the three of you will be admitted is not my decision."
Why did I think this was going to be easy? "So, what ... are we going to have to solve some sort of riddle to get in?"
Triden stopped walking and turned to face me. "Why in the Overworld would a riddle give ye entrance to my home?"
I shrugged, stopping just before I bumped into him. "I don't know. I saw it in a movie once. Maybe you have witch spells that work like locks, and the riddle opens them."
The dwarf leaned over to the side and spit in disgust. "Witches." He glared at me.
I smiled. "So you're not too cool with witches either, huh? I like you already, Triden." I leaned over and spit too for emphasis.
He squinted his eyes at me. "You do not care for the witches?"
I wiped the spittle off my mouth with the back of my hand. My spitting technique needed work. "I find them to be a royal pain in my ass, to be honest."
"Well, to my knowledge there are no witches of royal heritage here in this area of the realm, but I can tell you for certain that there are none in Sliabh gCuillinn. We do not tolerate their games in our mountain."
I snorted. "I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that."
We began moving again, the path getting wider every few feet so that Spike was able to walk next to me. He took my hand in his, and I welcomed the feeling of lightness it brought more than I ever had before. It wasn't that this realm was depressing or anything, but feeling his strong presence gave me a sense of security and of not being alone, not being the only one who had to take care of everything. He lightened my load. Willy wasn't able to do that for me. In fact, he made me feel more weighted down with responsibility - weird since he weighed no more than a cricket himself. Apparently, the laws of physics ceased to work in the realm of matters of the heart.