I winced. “Jesus.” I had no idea it had gotten that bad, and I was surprised that Ava would have put up with it. It was becoming more and more clear to me that she had given Jake everything, even staying loyal to him after he had become a monster. The heartbreak she must have felt after what she had already endured would be overwhelming for anyone. I knew it would take a lot to open her up again but I also knew I wanted to try. I hoped that I wasn’t kidding myself or trying to fill some void of my own. “So what happened, Dale?”
“I guess when she followed that guy to the bar she was really far gone. She kept calling him Jake. She told him he could hit her if he would hold her after.”
I sucked a breath of air in through my teeth. The last part gutted me. I felt terrible for her.
Dale continued. “The bartender called Red and he had to get her at two in the morning.”
“My god. Does she need help?” I couldn’t understand why they never urged her to see a therapist.
“We’re all giving her love, and she has come a long way. That might be hard to believe. Redman keeps trying to get her to go to church. I know that’s not your thing, Nate, but I think it would help her.”
“Believing that her dead husband will spend an eternity in hell after taking his own life might be a hard pill for her to swallow. Especially since he got injured trying to save her. I’m talking about professional help.”
“There’s no magic cure for this, Nate.”
“I know, but seeing someone, talking to someone in a safe place, couldn’t hurt her either.” I was thoroughly determined to convince him.
“You have a point,” he said. “And it might also give her a way to look outside of herself.” He looked up to the sky thoughtfully before continuing. “I think we’re all hoping something will bring her out of the fog. You seem to be helping, but now you have to go back.”
“I’ll be gone for a few days. I’ll have another week before my leave is up, if I even have a job still. Who knows, I might be applying as your vet assistant soon.”
“Well, I would love to have you,” he said instantly. “We could always use an extra long arm like yours around here.” Dale’s mouth broke into a teasing grin.
“Ha ha.”
My father came walking toward us with a trout flopping from his line. “Your dear old Dad’s still got it.”
My uncle shook his head. “In the middle of the day. I can’t believe it. You’re the luckiest son of a bitch.”
“Well, throw it back. We have a few hours before we get back to the ranch and there’s nowhere to put that thing until then.”
I watched as my father pried the lure from the inside of the fish’s mouth. Once it was out, he put the small fish in the shallow water and held it until it glided out of his hand and into the depths. He held up the lure. “Here son, the hopper. It’s my old faithful. You keep that one for yourself. Use it when you come back. It works every time.” He knew I couldn’t stay away.
I took it from his hands and held it up. “Thanks, Dad.” Being there with my dad was so unlike any experience I’d had with him in recent years. We stopped in a little pub for lunch on our way to R&W ranch. Dale asked my father about work, which sent him into a twenty-minute description of a heart transplant he’d assisted on the week before. I stared up at the neon beer signs above the bar and tuned my father out while he talked. It was the first time I’d ever done that; usually I hung on his every word.
“Am I boring you, Nate?” He smiled but there was a serious edge to his voice.
“Not at all. I was just thinking about how nice it was to not talk about surgery for a while,” I said, a little edgy myself.
Dale crossed his arms and looked away. Without words, he basically said, You two work this out.
“You’re right, and that’s exactly why I thought it would be a good idea for you to come out here. Just tell me though, how’s your confidence? How do you feel about getting back to work?” His tone held true concern and I backed down.
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much.”
“That’s a good sign.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I think so. Now, let’s get this kid an order of Rocky Mountain oysters and call it a day. Whaddya say, Dale?”
“Absolutely.”
“Fuck you guys, I’m not falling for that one.”
We all laughed and then my father slapped me on the back. “Glad to see you’re catching on.”
The sun was starting its descent as we made our way to R&W ranch. We drove up a dirt road on one side of the property, then Dale hopped out to drop off medications to someone near the barn. When he returned, we started heading down the opposite way we had come up.
“This road heads back to the ranch. Someone saw Ava’s truck and trailer down here by the barrels.”
When the land flattened, I could see a barrel track and corral in the distance. As we got closer, the sun dropped behind the mountains. The light still flooding the sky turned cool and gray. Ava’s truck was parked next to the corral, but it wasn’t until we passed that we encountered a horrifying sight I would never forget.
Ava waved her arms at us to stop but we looked past her to the arena. We were speechless as we watched Dancer hop around frantically with a very visibly broken leg. Her back left leg below the knee joint was hanging off loosely and flopping around as she thrashed against the metal corral. We stopped and jumped out of the truck.
The sound of Dancer’s bridle clinking against the bars drowned out all other sounds. The other horse, the black filly, was saddled and tied to a post nearby. She vocalized and swished her tail, clearly distressed by the scene playing out in front of us. Dale approached Ava first. He yelled something at her but she pushed him and ran toward the truck, her face red from exhaustion. I yelled to her but she didn’t stop.
Dale came running after her. “Ava, don’t do that, please.”
She didn’t respond to Dale or acknowledge my father or me. She walked past us, to the back passenger door of Dale’s truck, pulled the seat forward, and removed a .22-caliber rifle. She loaded it and moved hurriedly toward the corral. We all followed as Dale tried desperately to make her stop.
“Ava, you may not hit the right spot. We can go back to the ranch, I’ll get the medicine and we can euthanize her the humane way.”
Holding the rifle to the ground, she turned and screamed, “There is nothing humane about that, Dale. It’ll take you at least an hour to get back here.”
“We might not need to put her down.”
“Look at her!” Her voice was so desperate and she was crying hysterically. “Look. At. HER!”
It was hard to look at Dancer. I couldn’t imagine how Ava was feeling.
“At least let me take the shot.”
She sniffled, wiped her face with the back of her hand, stood up straight, composing herself, and said, “No. I have to do it.”
She walked stoically into the corral and stood in front of Dancer, who was now on her belly, still thrashing against the aluminum posts. Ava lifted the weapon high and aimed right at the spot between Dancer’s ears. “Be still,” she said calmly. The horse immediately stopped moving. As unintelligent as I know horses are, there was a moment in Dancer’s stillness when I thought she knew Ava was trying to take her pain away. “Goodbye.”
She fired the gun.
The ringing of the shot echoed against the distant mountains, leaving a buzzing hum in my ears. Dancer’s body fell lifeless to the side. The kick from the rifle sent Ava stumbling back against a small shed in the corral behind her. She let loose one long sob before I went running toward her.
“Ava?” I said, but she didn’t turn around. She stood over Dancer’s body for several moments then leaned the rifle against the corral and slowly walked away. The three of us watched and waited to see what she would do.
Dale called to her, “Ava, come here, sweetheart. We’re so sorry.” She ignored him as she untied the filly from the post. Dale squared hi
s shoulders and started walking quickly after her. We followed. “What are you gonna do, sweetie? Don’t get on that horse, please, Avelina.”
“I’m riding back,” she said as she hopped up into the saddle.
“It’s not a good idea. It’s almost dark and it’s far and that horse is un-broke.”
“She’s broke. She’s wearing a saddle with a rider in it, isn’t she?” Right at that moment the filly threw her head back. Ava yanked on the reins with both hands, reprimanding her.
“Ava, please don’t,” I said to her. “You’re not thinking straight.”
My dad even tried to plead with her. “It’s not safe, honey. Why don’t you get down? Nate can drive you back.”
I held my hand out to her but she looked away and pulled the reins, turning the horse in a circle. She gave the filly a swift kick and they were off, a black blur in the fading light.
“Jesus Christ,” Dale said. “She’s gonna get herself killed.”
“I think that’s what she wants.” My father’s words stung my ears.
“Are we gonna go after her?” I asked, feeling panic rise.
“She’ll stay off the road. The best we can do is get things taken care of with Dancer and then get back to the ranch.”
“God, poor Ava. She was just starting to come around,” I said. “Are we going to bury the horse?”
“No, we’ll call a company to come out here and remove her,” Dale said.
“I think we should bury her on the ranch so Ava will have a place to visit her.”
My father and Dale looked at each other like they were contemplating it. While I waited for an answer, I felt drop after drop of rain hit my skin until it started drizzling steadily. All the while I worried about Ava.
“Okay,” Dale said, finally. “I’ll have to run up and borrow Henry’s tractor.”
“I’ll stay here with Dancer,” I said firmly.
They drove up the hill and returned shortly with a big tractor. We managed to get the horse into the front loader. “You’re gonna drive this thing back to the ranch, Nate, since this was your idea.”
“Okay,” I said with a curt nod. I had no idea what I was agreeing to. Dale took off ahead of us in Ava’s truck while my father followed me in Dale’s truck. The tractor would only go about twenty-five miles per hour. I essentially drove that thing with no headlights except for the light from my uncle’s truck behind me, in the freezing cold, pouring rain for fifteen miles down a country road with a dead horse in the front loader.
My uncle met us at the bottom of the driveway leading up to the ranch. “She’s okay,” he yelled over the loudness of the engine.
“Where is she?” I asked.
“She’s in her cabin. You can go up there after we get this horse in the ground. Get down, Nate, I need to dig the hole.”
I removed Dancer’s bridle and saddle while Dale used the backhoe to dig a twenty-foot grave. When he finished, he turned the tractor around and unceremoniously dropped the horse into the hole. Something painful struck me suddenly. I thought about Lizzy and her young body in the darkness below, the promise of a beautiful life ahead of her gone. Then I did something I’d never done in my life: I prayed. I’m not sure who I was praying to but that’s what I was doing as I watched the tractor dump bucket after bucket of mud on top of Dancer. I prayed that there was something more for Lizzy and Jake and the damn horse we were burying. But most of all I prayed there was something more for Ava while she was here on earth.
After my uncle was finished, I drove Ava’s truck up to the barn. Bea was waiting on the porch with towels.
“Look at you boys. What kind of foolishness are you three up to, burying a horse in this rain?”
I took the towel and began drying off. “Have you checked on Ava?”
“She’s okay. I took her some dinner. Get in here and get warm first.”
My uncle went off to his cabin while my father and I followed Bea inside of the main house. “Jeffrey, you go ahead and use the guest shower. Nate can use the shower in our bathroom.”
I followed her into the master bedroom at the back of the house and into the large bathroom. She reached behind the curtain and started the water for me. “I can do this, Bea.”
“You’re shaking like a sober drunk.” She began to yank on my jacket. “Let me help you out of these clothes. Don’t worry, I’m not lookin’.”
She helped get my shirt over my head then turned away, sat on the closed toilet, and sighed. I had no idea what she was doing. I stripped out of my jeans and quickly got behind the curtain into the shower.
“Feelin’ better, Nathanial?”
“Yes, I’m good, Bea,” I said, wondering when she was going to leave.
“Good. You gonna go see Ava after you’re cleaned up?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Because I’m tired, kid.”
“Yeah? Of what?” I asked, wondering where she was going with this.
“I’m tired of seeing her in pain. I don’t want to be insensitive, but I’ve been wondering when she’s gonna get over Jake. And now this. She loved that horse so much. Had her since she was a kid.”
I turned the water off, reached for a towel, and stepped out. “I know, Bea. It was like they were connected. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her.”
She looked up at me and then down to where the towel was wrapped around my waist.
“Maybe try something other than words.”
My eyes shot open. “Bea! What are you saying?”
Laughing, she said, “It’s lookin’ like the ranch is doing you some good.” I had put on a couple of pounds since I had been there. They had me working every minute of the day, so most of it was muscle. I chuckled as I made my way past her and down the hallway. I went to my room and dressed in jeans, Chucks, and a pullover sweater. By the time I made it to Ava’s cabin the rain had stopped and she was asleep on the porch swing, wrapped in a blanket, like I had found her before. I watched her take steady breaths. I was uncertain if I should wake her or just carry her inside, but I knew I couldn’t leave her out there. She looked angelic in the low light. The skin on her face was perfectly smooth and she looked peaceful, even though I knew that wasn’t possible.
CHAPTER 11
Whiskey Says Go
Avelina
I was startled awake when I felt myself being lifted from the porch swing. My eyes shot open to see Nate looking down at me. I was cradled in his arms as he made his way into my cabin. “Hi, beautiful,” he whispered. “How are you feeling?”
“Drunk and sad,” I murmured.
“I know. How much of that bottle did you drink?”
“Not enough, apparently, because I’m still conscious.” He shook his head as he moved through my living room and into the bedroom. He set me down to stand on my feet. “Thank you.”
I wobbled so he braced me and then gently pushed me to sit on the edge of the bed. I looked down at my tattered quilt to where a section of the stitching had come undone. I slid my hand over the spot to cover it so Nate wouldn’t see it but when I looked up he was wearing a pitying smile.
He shook his head. “Don’t be ashamed. You should see my apartment. I don’t even have curtains.”
I managed a weak laugh.
“There’s that sound.”
I stopped immediately when I suddenly felt a shock of pain for Dancer. “Why? Why did that have to happen today?”
He shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“I was riding her fine, not even hard, around the barrels. She just stepped wrong.”
He got very serious and took my face in his hands. “You know this isn’t your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for these things.”
“These things?” I scowled. “You mean everyone I love dropping like flies all around me? You should run far and fast from me. Why are you even here?”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Because I care about you.”
“You barely know me.” I looked pointe
dly at him.
“I know you enough. I’d like to get to know you better. And like I said, I care about you.”
“You feel sorry for me.”
“No.” He shook his head. “Don’t insult me and don’t insult yourself.”
“Look at you.” I waved my hand toward his finely muscled body. “And you’re a doctor. You’d have no problem finding someone.”
“You’re someone, and I’m having a hell of a hard time.”
I laughed but quickly looked away shamefully. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take this out on you.”
“Don’t apologize.” He knelt in front of me and reached for my boots. Slipping them off he said, “Do you want a bath?” I nodded. He got up and went into the bathroom, then I heard the water go on. I stood but swayed, and he came rushing toward me. “Let me help you, Ava.” He led me into the bathroom and reached for the bottom of my T-shirt. “Arms up.” I lifted them as he pulled my shirt off. I unbuckled my belt, pushed my jeans down to my ankles, and stepped out as he held my hand. The tub was filling quickly with steaming water and bubbles. “I can turn around.”
“Okay.” He turned and faced the door. I unclasped my bra and slid my panties down. I stepped into the bathtub and sank into the warm, heavenly water.
“Are you in?”
“Yes.” I was hidden under the bubbles and drunk so there was little left to be self-conscious about.
He sat on the edge of the tub with his back toward me. “Are you going to be okay?”
“You can leave if you want.”
“I’m not leaving. I meant are you okay emotionally.”
“Oh. Well, do I have a choice? I’m being punished for something. I should just shut up and take it.”
“Why didn’t you let Dale try to help Dancer?”
“Because he wouldn’t have been able to. I’ve seen it a hundred times. I couldn’t watch her suffer; I’ve done that before. Will you get me the bottle?”