I made it back to my condo at ten to six and walked in on Frankie and Gogo cuddling on my couch, watching a new flatscreen TV I didn’t buy.
“What are you doing to my cat and why are you still here?”
Frankie looked up at me and squinted as I flipped on the lights. “When are you going back to Montana?”
“Soon as I can.” I had initially planned on going that weekend. “Olivia’s coming over.”
“Why?” He scowled.
“Dude, seriously, after all these years you still can’t stand her?”
“She’s a pretentious bitch.”
“Don’t hold back, Frankie,” Olivia said from the doorway.
I turned to see her standing there, dressed in black from head to toe. “Olivia, I’d get up but I don’t want to,” Frankie said.
“Same old Frankie. Where are you working now, Francis?”
“A clinic in Hollywood. What do you care?”
“I don’t,” she said. “Nate, are you ready?”
“Give me one minute.” I headed to my room and emerged a few minutes later in jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt. Olivia eyed me disapprovingly. “I know a pub nearby.”
“A pub? Really?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“It’s a gastro pub. It’s nice. Lots of beers on tap.” I smirked, knowing Olivia wouldn’t approve.
“How about a nice restaurant, Nate? We’re not in college anymore.”
Frankie shook his head.
“Let me change.” I threw on a dress shirt and dress shoes and headed for the door, ignoring Frankie’s glare.
We walked two blocks to an upscale American bistro in Westwood. Olivia ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a whiskey on the rocks.
“So, you drink now?” she observed across the candlelit table.
“Sometimes.”
She looked down at her napkin. “God, I hate it when they don’t offer a black napkin.”
I laughed. “Really, Olivia, who gives a fuck?”
“Naaaate,” she whined, drawing out the word an excruciatingly long time. “It’s just tacky; I’m going to walk out of here covered in lint.”
“God forbid, Olivia. God forbid.”
She laughed. “What is it with you?”
“Nothing, I’m sorry. I have a lot on my mind.”
“I heard you got yourself out of that pickle with the patient you lost.”
“That girl still died, Olivia. I was holding her heart in my hands when she took her last breath.”
“Not technically if she was on bypass.”
“She was on a ventilator, not bypass, because she bled out it one fucking minute,” I said sharply.
“I’m sorry if I seem insensitive. It’s just that I saw the report. You had everything in place to get her on bypass.”
“You don’t know anything, Olivia. I barely had a second to think. There’s no way anyone could’ve found the bleeder in time. Her entire chest cavity was filled with blood. There were two other attending surgeons and a resident, not to mention the anesthesiologist and nurses. No one had a clue what to do.”
“I’m really sorry, Nate, but I have to believe there was a way, otherwise what good are we?”
“Sometimes there’s not. Sometimes there’s no reasonable explanation why shit happens. We can take all the precautions, go through our lives being terrified of everything, and still there’s a chance that we’ll walk out our front door and get hit by a stray bullet meant for someone else. Life is random, and surgery . . .” I let out a hard breath. “Surgery is not exact. It’s not a science. It’s a fucking set of procedures that will hopefully work. Sometimes they don’t.” I looked around the room, noticing the pairs of unblinking, staring eyes trained on me. “I think we should call it a night.”
As though my words hadn’t even fazed her, she whined, “But we haven’t eaten.”
Olivia very well might’ve been the most emotionless person I had ever met. “Okay, Olivia, we can order, but let’s keep the conversation light. Why don’t you tell me what’s new in your personal life.”
“You know me. I’m like you. I work. That’s what I do.” She looked up and smiled. “From the looks of your condo you’ve been doing the same.”
“I’m looking to transfer. I don’t want to work under my father anymore.”
“Too much pressure?”
“No. I just want to have a normal relationship with him and that’s hard when he’s my boss.”
“Where are you looking to transfer?”
“Missoula.”
“Montana?” Her voice went high.
“The very same.”
“Why in the world?”
“I like it there.”
She shrugged, still wearing a condescending smile. We ate in silence, but as we walked out after dinner, I realized I had been unnecessarily rude to Olivia. I was distraught that Ava hadn’t called me yet. And I wondered when I would get back there.
“Is Frankie staying at your place?”
“Yes, while I look at hospitals.”
“Walk me to my hotel?” Her expression had softened.
“Okay.”
“How long has it been since we saw each other?”
“Five years at least, right?”
“Yeah, and now here we are, in the same town. I’m over there.” She pointed to the glass double doors of a boutique hotel. “It feels like no time has passed.”
I didn’t agree but didn’t say anything.
“You gonna come up, Nate?”
I stopped walking. “No. I’m not coming up.”
She turned to me. “We can be grown-ups and share a bottle of wine first.” I knew exactly where she was going. She made no move to touch me, though. Thankfully that wasn’t Olivia’s style. She continued staring up at me, waiting for me to make a decision. But the decision was made in my mind; I was just trying to figure out how to let her down gently.
“I’m seeing someone.”
She shrugged.
“Exclusively,” I added.
“Oh.” She laughed. Apparently I didn’t have to worry about her pride. Olivia was as close to frozen as one could get. “Why didn’t you say so? Who is she, a nurse?”
“No.”
“Another doctor?”
“No.”
“What does she do?”
“She’s uh, um . . . she’s a wrangler.”
Olivia burst into laughter. “What the fuck is a wrangler?”
“She works on a ranch . . . in Montana.”
“I don’t believe you, Nate. Not for one second.”
“Well, it’s true.”
“And how are you dating her if you’re here?”
“I’m going back as soon as I can break away from the hospital again. That’s why I want to transfer to Missoula.”
She huffed. “That’ll never happen. You don’t leave a major hospital like UCLA and transfer to the middle of nowhere for some cowgirl. What, did she give you a good ride and now you’re hung up on her?”
“Glad to see you’ve softened with age, Olivia.”
“Why don’t you just come up and we’ll talk about this nonsense for a while.” Looking out at the blur of lights from the freeway traffic, she said, “You should know by now that those kinds of relationships don’t do people like us any good.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. Come on, just come up.”
I felt a pain in my arm. My chest was thumping; I could feel it all the way to my elbow. I pulled my phone out and checked for missed calls. None were from Ava.
When Olivia started to walk away, I followed wordlessly. We went through the lobby and into the elevator. She still hadn’t made a move to touch me. At the door to her hotel room, she slid the key card into the slot and looked back at me, smiling seductively. At that moment my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw that it was a Montana area code. I held my finger up to Olivia. “I have to take this.”
She put her hand on h
er hip and shrugged, as if to say go ahead.
I hit talk. “Hello?”
“Nate?” It was her voice, sweet and timid.
“Ava.” Her name came out like a breath.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Titillating,” Olivia said. I tensed up.
Ava stuttered. “Um . . . sorry, did I call at a bad time?”
“No, wait, please. I’ve been waiting for you to call.”
“Are you with someone, Nate?”
“I’m with a colleague.”
“It’s late,” she murmured.
I looked at my watch. It was nine thirty. I glanced at Olivia, who was looking smug.
“I’ll let you go, Nate.” I knew her words had a double meaning.
“No!” I protested but she hung up.
I turned to Olivia, fuming. “Goddammit. I have to go.” Neither one of us said another word. I left the hotel abruptly and ran back to my condo to get my bike. I rode my bike to the hospital every day, but this time I passed on the helmet and proper attire and darted out into traffic, pedaling hard. I got half a mile down the road before it started raining. It doesn’t rain a ton in California but that night it had to rain. What the fuck? My feet kept slipping off the pedals. Normally I wore click-in bicycle shoes that locked into the small steel pedals. My dress shoes were barely getting enough traction. After thirty minutes of biking in the rain, I busted through the hospital doors, sopping wet, and made my way to my office.
I tried to call Ava back, hitting call over and over. She didn’t answer and I wasn’t surprised. What was I fucking thinking? Olivia had me believing some bullshit about who I was for a second, but that was never me. Even if I weren’t going after love, in the back of my mind I had always wanted it. Everything just seemed to be getting in my way.
Sometimes life begrudges you; it can take everything away from you, like it had for Ava, but for me there had been nothing to take away. I’d had nothing until I met her. Even my career didn’t matter that much to me, in the end. I had poured myself into it because I was good at it. My heart didn’t drop into my stomach when I thought I might lose my job, but it did when I thought about blowing it with Ava. The idea sank heavily through my body like a stone until I felt numb. I knew the only thing I could do was try to get back to her.
I spent the entire night in my office completing all of my backlogged paperwork with the helpless feeling that whatever I was about to do would never be enough. Still, I remained undeterred. I needed to get back to her. My emails were answered and my work was up to date. The only thing I had left was to write a resignation letter. The first letter I wrote to my father directly and the second to the hospital. I apologized for not being able to give sufficient notice. I even emailed other doctors asking to transfer my patients to them so the hospital wouldn’t have to do it.
At eight a.m. my father walked past my office, backtracked, and stopped a moment at my door. “You look like shit. Late night?”
I stood up, feeling wobbly and worn out. I held the letter out as I walked toward him.
There was recognition in his eyes like he knew what was coming, and then he flashed me a small, tight smile. “I won’t try to change your mind; I don’t even know if I want to. All I know is that I want you here, but . . .” He started getting choked up. He swallowed and went on. “But I understand why you’re leaving. I’m so proud of you, Nate. I’m proud to call you my son, and I’m proud of the doctor you’ve become.”
“I have to get back out there.”
“I talked to the chief at the International Heart Institute in Missoula.”
I leaned against my desk and crossed my arms. “And?”
“I told him that you were a horrible surgeon and that they would be making a big mistake hiring you.” He held a white paper bag out to me. “Doughnut?”
“Dad.” I laughed. “You’ve got to stop with the doughnuts.”
“I’m kidding. It’s a veggie wrap your mom made for me. She put hummus and tofu in it. I don’t even know what tofu is.”
“I’m glad to see you’re changing your diet. You should stick with it. Mom knows what she’s talking about.”
He set the bag down and put his hands on his hips, his lab coat open around his wrists. “I’ve lost six pounds since the food Nazi took over.”
“She was really worried about you.”
He smiled and took a seat in one of the chairs facing my desk. I went around and sat down as well.
“Nate, I told the Chief at the Heart Institute that you were the best damn surgeon I’d come across and they better pay you well.”
“Thank you. You have no idea how much those words mean to me.”
He blinked. “I might have waited too long to say it.”
“Better late than never.”
“I love you, kid.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
“I want you to take the Ford out there.” Restored cars were my dad’s hobby. He didn’t actually restore them, he bought them restored and spent a great deal of money on them. His favorite was a two-toned red and white ’67 Ford pickup truck.
“I couldn’t, Dad.”
He clapped me on the shoulder. “It belongs in Montana.”
CHAPTER 13
Forever Is Only Now
Avelina
I remembered when Jake told me that forever is only now. I remembered the smoothness of his voice when he said it, as if he’d memorized it from the Bible. I sat on my porch swing, looking up at the sky, thinking that Jake was the brightest star up there, so far away but shining and powerful. He would shine like that for as long as I was living because when a sun as bright as Jake burns out, it takes a hundred years for its star to fade. Forever is only now; there’s no measure of time when it comes to love. I knew Jake would be up there in the sky for all of my life, and I promised myself that after I left this earth I would stand before God and say with pride that I loved Jacob Brian McCrea with all my heart and soul. But Jake wasn’t with me on earth anymore. When he pulled the trigger his forever ended, not mine.
That night, I had gone inside and called Nate. I had believed that I was finally ready to take my forever back. I’d even rehearsed what I was going to say. I know you’re not trying to fix me, but you’re the one who makes me better. But I hadn’t gotten a chance to say those words. He’d been with a woman, it’d been late, and he’d sounded put out. I wondered if he and the woman laughed at me when I hung up. I wondered how I could be so naïve.
Taking my dead husband’s advice turned out to be a bad idea. I went back outside, holding the whiskey bottle to the sky and screamed, “Fuck you, Jake McCrea! Fuck you!”
CHAPTER 14
Drops Between Us
Nathanial
On the road in my father’s Ford, I had plenty of time to think about how I had just left my world behind for a woman who likely didn’t want me. My parents were going to rent my condo out, and Gogo happily went to live with Frankie.
I stopped only twice: once to eat and buy food for the road and once to call Ava. She didn’t answer. I dialed Bea.
“Hello, darlin’. What a nice surprise.”
“How is Ava?”
“She’s okay, and I’m okay, too, thanks for asking.”
“I’m sorry, I’m glad you’re okay. Listen, I’m on the road headed out there. I quit the hospital.”
There was silence on the other end for several moments. “What kind of foolishness are you speaking?”
“You know I care about her. I can’t stop thinking about her and I want to be there for her.”
“What will you do?”
“I need to find a place in Missoula, I think I have a job lined up. I’ll be at the ranch by tomorrow.”
“I wish you’d told me ahead of time. We’re leavin’, Nate. All of us.”
I froze. “What?”
“We’re going to Bozeman for the rodeo. We’ll be there for two days.”
“You’re taking Ava?”
<
br /> “Of course.”
“Is this the rodeo where she saw the guy that reminded her of . . . ,” my voice trailed off.
“That’s the one, but you don’t have to worry. Ava seemed to be pretty darn into you, and we’ll tell her you’ll be there when she gets back.”
“I don’t think you understand, I—”
“Head to Missoula and get your job straightened out. We’ll be back early Monday.”
“Bea, I need to see her. I haven’t slept in two days. Will you ask her to wait? I’ll drive her to Bozeman myself.”
I heard her let out a breath. “Why are we having this conversation? Ava has a phone, why don’t you call her?”
“She won’t take my calls.”
“Hmm? Why’s that?”
“I’ve tried calling her, she just won’t answer.”
“Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen her since yesterday morning.” The panic in her voice started to rise.
“Jesus, can you go check on her, please!”
“I’ll call you right back.”
When she hung up, I immediately pulled onto the road. I thought I was somewhere in Nevada but I wasn’t sure anymore. The yellow dashes in the middle of the road began to blur together in a solid line. I watched the line like it was leading me to her. Bea called back a few minutes later.
“She’s okay but she doesn’t want to see you, and I know Ava well enough that I can tell nothing will change her mind.”
“Please tell her I wasn’t with another woman. I was just having dinner with a colleague. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I imagine calling you was the bravest thing Avelina has done in a long time.”
“You have to talk to her, please.”
“Head to Missoula and get some sleep before you kill someone on the road or yourself. We’ll be back Monday.”
After we hung up, I pulled off the highway and found a motel. The room stunk of cigarettes and the shower was caked in mildew. I pulled the brown and maroon paisley comforter off, threw it on the floor, and doused my hands in sanitizer. I slept on top of towels I laid across the sheets. In the morning I grabbed a stale doughnut and weak coffee from the free continental breakfast in the lobby and headed out to my truck, where I discovered my bike had been stolen from the back. In my sleep-deprived state the night before, I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of my bike being stolen. I slumped into the driver’s seat and finished my disgusting doughnut.