Bea stepped out of the doorway and reached for Ava’s hand. “Come here, sweetie. Let’s give you a bath.”
“You stay here, son,” Redman demanded, pointing to the other rocker. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness and his voice was raspy. “I appreciate you going to get her.”
“I didn’t expect you and Bea to be here; I thought you were staying one more night?”
“Bea wanted to get back, and I wanted to have a talk with you.”
“Okay, sure.”
“I know what you did. In a matter of days, you’ve made some big life changes. For Avelina, I’m guessing?”
“Everyone keeps telling me what my motives are. I want to get to know her, that’s all. I can’t do that from L.A.”
“But the simple truth is you quit your job to see about a girl.”
“Yeah, I suppose I did.”
“She may never get over what she’s gone through.” He blew smoke directly into the lantern light, stunning a swarm of tiny moths.
“I have to try.”
He turned toward me, and even though I couldn’t see his shadowed face I knew he could see mine, facing the light. “Well, I suppose she needs to learn that there are as many ways to love as there are to die.”
I nodded. I understood very well what Redman was trying to say. Ava didn’t have to stop loving Jake or mourning him to move on and live her life, just the same way that one mistake would not define my career, even if the consequences were great.
I stood and walked past Redman through the front door. Ava was sitting on the couch in a blue terry-cloth robe, probably one of Bea’s. She was unaware as I stood there watching Bea brush out her long hair. For several moments I was deep in thought, wondering if perhaps I was trying to save her, and why.
“Bea, can I stay here tonight?” They both turned at the same time. Ava smiled faintly.
“Of course, honey, the room is yours.”
“Thank you.”
In the bathroom, while I searched the cabinet for aspirin, I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see Ava standing in the doorway.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Can I see your hand?” She approached me.
I held it out to her and watched her examine it. “I know you’re the doctor but I think I should put a splint on this finger. It’s quite swollen and it looks like you might’ve fractured or bruised the knuckle.”
“How do you know all that?” I smiled and she returned it with a serene look.
“This happened to Jake often. The rope wraps on the horn were so tight he’d get his fingers caught in them sometimes when he was competing.”
I looked from our hands up to her eyes as she examined the bruised knuckle. “Okay, splint it. I trust you.”
She nodded and then left, returning a moment later with medical tape and broken popsicle sticks. She held them up. “The hillbilly way.”
I laughed but then winced as she wrapped the tape around my knuckle.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, you’re doing great. You’re a natural.”
There were a few unbearable moments of silence after she finished the wrap. I felt that familiar pull toward her whenever I’d get close enough, like two magnets as they inched closer together. I ached to take her in my arms, but I was worried she’d pull away.
“Maybe, I can stay with you in the guest room. It’s almost dawn and I’m tired, but I want to talk to you,” she said.
“Of course.”
We moved from the bathroom to the guest room. Bea walked by and pushed the door open wide. “Have some manners, you two.”
We lay down on top of the comforter, me fully dressed and her in the fluffy robe. We faced each other on our sides. “Nate, I’m sorry about earlier.”
“All is forgiven. I’m sorry, too. Olivia, the woman you heard on the phone, is an old friend; there’s nothing between me and her. I wish I had the words at the moment to explain that to you, but I was so relieved to hear your voice that I could think of nothing else.”
“I want to start over. I want to learn how to be less of a wreck.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“You’re not a wreck. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”
She nodded, looking up to the ceiling. “Every time I think I’m over it, everything comes rushing back.”
“You don’t have to let it go.”
“I know, but it’s not letting go that scares me. Life is no longer precious when you have nothing to lose, and that’s the place I’ve been living all these years since Jake. I’ve been indifferent. But now I can feel the fear coming back. It comes back even stronger when you know there’s something to be lost again.”
It was her first real expression of her feelings for me. “I’ve never loved and lost, but I’m scared, too.”
She closed her eyes and within a few moments her breaths steadied. I wondered what it would be like to lose someone the way Ava had at such a young age.
The four-week roller coaster of my life was clicking back up the tracks. I was at that point when you reach the peak before falling and you think maybe you want off, that maybe they can stop it. But I don’t think you can stop once you start falling. At least I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. It’s as exhilarating as it is terrifying to fall in love.
I pulled her into me, rested my chin on her head, and filled my lungs with her sweet scent.
In the morning, she was gone. I scurried past the kitchen, hoping Bea wouldn’t see me. “Slow down,” she hollered. “Get in here and eat something.”
She slopped a ladleful of grits onto a plate and handed it to me. “There’s Velveeta, or you can have corn flakes for your grits.”
I felt myself starting to gag. “How about some fruit. Can I have fruit?”
“Sure honey, check in the fruit bowl.”
I tried not to breathe through my nose as I slurped up the bland grits, occasionally chomping off a bite of apple for flavor. Caleb sat across from me eating his grits, which were swimming in Velveeta cheese. It really was a small miracle, with the amount of red meat and cheese these people ate, that they weren’t all wracked with heart disease. Their diets were so heavy in cholesterol that I couldn’t help but visualize the plaque buildup in their arteries each time they took a bite.
“Where’s Ava this morning?”
“She’s working that filly,” Bea answered. “Caleb got some barrels and set up a track for her in the field below.”
“That was nice of you, man.”
He nodded, not looking up from his bowl.
I left the kitchen and walked down the dirt road to the small arena where Ava was riding the gorgeous black filly. The horse’s movements were even more graceful than Dancer’s as Ava galloped her back and forth. I took a seat on the top slat of the wooden corral. When she spotted me she steered the horse over to where I was sitting.
“What’s her name?” I asked.
“I hadn’t named her until now, actually.” She was smiling, her hair was floating down her back, and her cheeks were pink from the cool air hitting her face.
“Well?”
“Shine.”
“It’s perfect for her . . . and for you.”
“Red told me you took a job in Missoula.”
“Yes.”
“That’s great. How’s your hand? Will you be able to do surgery?” Her eyebrows were pinched together in a worried expression.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I need to get to the hospital, though, and take care of some things. And I have a place now, not that far from here. I want to take you there but it’s not ready.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll call you this week then maybe . . .” I was suddenly very nervous. “Maybe I can take you out to dinner next weekend . . . on a date?”
“I would like that.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Nate?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you for last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Her voice cracked and her eyes brimmed with
tears.
I cleared my throat and jumped down from the fence. Holding my hand out to her, I said, “I’m Nate and you’re gorgeous. What’s your name?” She giggled. “I like that sound.”
“I’m Ava.”
“Nice to meet you, Ava.” We shook hands. “Can I take you out this weekend?”
Shine started getting antsy. Ava pulled her in a circle. “I have to run her a bit. Bye, Nate.”
She took off in the other direction. “You didn’t answer me,” I yelled. “Will you go out with me?”
“Yes, cowboy,” she yelled back.
Later that day at the hospital, I chose to wear my boots with my scrubs. I assisted on an angioplasty and when Abbie, the scrub nurse, looked down at the booties over my boots, she laughed.
“What?”
Smiling, she said, “I like your boots. I didn’t take you for a cowboy.”
“It’s a state of mind, Abbie, plain and simple.”
“We’ve all been calling you Hollywood.”
I laughed loudly. “I will spare you my John Wayne impression.”
CHAPTER 17
There Are Places
Avelina
“Come to me, baby,” Nate whispered. “There are places you and I can run to. Places where no one knows us. No one can see us.” I took his hand and followed him into the darkness. We were together in a void that was smooth, soft, and warm, and he was touching my face and neck. There were birds chirping and the feeling of sunlight against my skin, but there was no light. He laid me down and kissed me, kissed my breast. He was on his side facing me as I lay on my back. We were naked but warm. His tongue toyed with my nipple and I ran my hands through his messy hair. “God, you are so lovely,” he said. “Can I touch you?”
“Yes, touch me, please.”
“Where shall I touch you, beautiful?”
“Here.” I placed my hand to my flesh.
“Show me how,” he said.
“Like this.” I touched myself and felt the aching pulse below. I arched my back as I felt his warm hand cover mine. My mouth opened but I couldn’t breathe. He covered my mouth with his in a gentle assault.
“Mmm, you taste so good. I want to taste more of you.” His hands began taking over as he lowered himself, trailing kisses down my body. I stretched my arms above my head and let myself feel the exquisite ache.
His hands slid between my thighs and I opened wide for him. He kissed his way up my leg farther and farther until his mouth was on me. I jerked my hips toward him, trying to feel more as my hands got lost in his hair. His tongue was on me and then he plunged two fingers in and I was lost, pulsing against his mouth.
Then, like a movie reel locking and sputtering, everything stopped and I heard a faint knocking sound.
I opened my eyes. It was daylight and I was in my room alone, feeling the last echoes of the orgasm Nate had given me in a dream.
“Oh,” I whimpered, trying to get a grip.
“Ava, are you okay?” I heard Caleb’s call from my living room. I quickly jumped out of bed, threw on a robe, and met him as he walked into my kitchen.
“I’m fine.”
He walked toward me. “You’re flushed. Are you sick?”
“No.” The word came out as a rushed breath.
“Okay. Well, I came over because I hadn’t seen you at breakfast.” He looked away shyly like his concern embarrassed him.
“Thanks for checkin’ on me but I’m fine.”
“Okay.” He shrugged, turned around, and walked out.
When he left, I plopped down on the couch. I stared out the front window and then down to the beige carpet that Redman installed after Jake was gone. The carpet that covered the bloodstained wood floor. Sadly, those images never faded, just like the stains. My phone rang, jolting me out of my trance.
“Hi, beautiful.” Nate’s voice was as deep and as smooth as it was in my dream. I felt an aftershock between my legs.
“Hi.” My own voice sounded strange.
“Is something wrong?”
“No. I was thinking about you.”
“That makes me very happy. I want to take you out to dinner Friday. Can I pick you up at six?”
“Yes, I would like that. Are you taking me somewhere fancy? I don’t have fancy clothes.”
“I don’t have fancy clothes either,” he said, laughing. “I like the dress you wore when we went to the hot spring.”
“Oh, that old thing?”
“You took my breath away.”
My own breath was elusive at that moment. I swallowed and waited.
“Would you like it if I took you shopping?”
“Oh, I couldn’t.”
“Sure you could. Anyway, I would love to spoil you.”
I didn’t answer.
“Okay then, I’ll take that as a yes. We’ll go shopping first then dinner?”
“Okay.”
“Ava, can I ask you something?” His voice got low.
“Sure.”
“When you said you were thinking about me . . . what exactly were you thinking?”
My heart was beating in my stomach. “I was thinking about a dream I had.”
“Tell me about the dream.”
I heard something over the speaker in the background; his name was being called. “Don’t you have to go?”
“Was I touching you . . . in the dream?”
I was breathing hard. “Yes,” I whispered.
I heard him being paged again over the loudspeaker. “Baby, I have to go.” I heard a smile in his voice. “I’ll see you in a few days.”
“Okay.” I pressed end on my phone and laid my head back on the couch with the biggest smile on my face.
The week sidled on and the days seemed long. I looked forward to my evening call from Nate every day. I noticed after the one heady phone call that he tried to keep our conversations light. I told him I wanted to take things slow, that I hadn’t done that with Jake. Part of me felt like I needed space to grow. I’d been at an emotional standstill for five years without so much as an introspective thought. I tarried along for so many years inside of my numbed mind. It made falling for Nate feel like an exposed nerve hitting the air. I wanted to remember who I was and who I wanted to be when I thought I had a future.
On Friday, Trish came to my cabin with a basket of goodies. When I opened the door, she held them out with a smile. I took the basket from her hand as she walked past me into the living room. “My sister and I used to help each other get ready before our dates.” She looked back over her shoulder and smiled. “Well, are you gonna show me what you’re wearing tonight?”
“Nate said he wants to take me shopping.”
“Well, isn’t that sweet? But you don’t want to be lookin’ like that when he shows up, even if he plans to buy you the world.”
I looked down at my T-shirt and jeans. “No, I’m just gonna throw on that dress with the red flowers.” I looked in the basket. It was full of lotions, perfumes, hair ties, and some flowers she must have picked on the way over.
“Okay. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and I’ll do your hair for you when you’re done.” She winked.
“Thanks, Trish.”
“My pleasure, darlin’.”
She sat at my kitchen table knitting while I took a shower. When I came out she had conjured up a glass of wine and turned on some music.
“Let’s have fun with this.” She braided my hair, twisting a red ribbon through it. It was a little bit too “rodeo queen,” but I appreciated her effort. We danced around my cabin and sang to the music. When knocks sounded on the door, we both froze. She looked me up and down. I was dressed in my nice brown boots and the white dress with the red flowers that Nate had requested. Trish’s expression was warm, and her eyes welled up. “Enjoy yourself, sweetie. You deserve it.”
“Thank you, Trish.” And I meant it.
I opened the door to Nate, donning his usual sneakers and pegged jeans that hung perfectly on his narrow hips. He wore a
simple charcoal gray V-neck sweater over a white T-shirt. It looked like he put a touch of product in his hair and he wasn’t clean-shaven. His face was etched with a day or two of growth, making him look even more handsome. His eyes were wide when I opened the door. He glanced down at my legs and then back up to my eyes quickly.
From behind his back he produced one single Casablanca lily stem. “These remind me of you,” he said, shyly. He looked behind me to Trish as she was gathering up her things.
“Hi, Aunt Trish.”
She came over and kissed him on the cheek. “Nathanial, you’re looking as handsome as your uncle.” She was down the steps and gone before he could even respond. I laughed but his face remained serious.
“You’re stunning, you know that?” he said.
I shook my head, putting the flower to my nose. “Mmm, let me put this in water and then we’ll go.”
He took me to a boutique in Great Falls, and when we pulled into the parking space I turned toward him, feeling a little nervous. “You really don’t need to buy me anything. I feel silly.”
“I love what you’re wearing but I thought maybe I could pick something out for you to wear on our next date.” He smiled, arching his eyebrows in a playful way.
“Next date? Okay.”
When we got into the store I realized that Nate had called ahead and asked them to stay open an hour later than usual. He could be very persuasive and charming. He’d also had the young girl who worked there pick out a pile of things for me to try on. I tried on several dresses and, for each one, I walked out and twirled around for Nate as he sat in a chair by the dressing room. Every time he would say, “Gorgeous, let’s get it.”
“This is the last one.” I walked out holding it close to my body because I was unable to zip it up in back. Nate immediately stood. “Let me get that for you.” Standing behind me, he brushed my braided hair over my shoulder. As he zipped up the dress, I could feel his breath on my neck. He kissed my shoulder. “This one is my favorite,” he said.
I looked into the mirror at the knee-length, muted red dress. It had a romantic flowing skirt. “I like it, too.”
He unzipped the back and gently nudged me back into the dressing room, following behind me and shutting the door. He pushed me against the mirrored wall and kissed me until I was breathless.