She stood up straight and looked at her son, who was crying, too. She said, “Daddy went to heaven. It’s just us now.” It’s like there was this realization she had where she learned she had no power to change the outcome. How difficult that must be to face. I told the boy that he had to be the man of the house and to look after his mom and sister and he sniffled, wiped his nose, and nodded. It fucking killed me and took everything I had not to break down in front of the both of them. I always say that sometimes life begrudges us for no good reason. You know that better than anyone.
Our house is almost done. I hired a designer to come in and add all the fine details to make it look and feel like a home. The whole back of the house has floor-to- ceiling windows and doors that look out on the water. There’s a patio outside our bedroom and sometimes I leave the doors open so I can fall asleep to the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.
I’m going to the ranch for the holidays because my parents are going on a cruise, and even though our beautiful house overlooking the ocean has all the fine comforts you can imagine, it won’t be a home until you’re here. Come back to me.
The smell of the flowers planted on the hill next to our house trails up to our bedroom when the doors are open and it reminds me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
January 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
Happy New Year, baby. I wonder what you’re up to. When I was at the ranch over Christmas, Trish showed me a picture you had sent her. I couldn’t stop staring at it. You were in Venice with your mom and you both looked beautiful and happy. I’m glad to see you’re traveling around Europe and experiencing life.
Guess what? I’m going to be in two weddings this Saturday. Actually, one is more like a marriage ceremony that I’ve been asked to be a witness at. My friend and colleague, Olivia, is getting married. It was a shock because I didn’t think she would ever commit, but apparently she found her male counterpart. He’s a neuroscientist who’s really socially awkward but Olivia said she’s in love with his mind so nothing else matters to her. They met three months ago and soon after that she was living with him. She told me they have separate bedrooms. Weird, but whatever makes her happy. Then, later that day, my best friend, Frankie, is getting married to an eighteen-year-old candy striper from the hospital he works at. I could have predicted he would find someone barely legal to marry. He’s asked me to be the best man. I’m honored, honestly, I just wish you could be there with me for the slow dances.
I ate Chinese food for lunch with Frankie today and my fortune said, “You will soon be eaten alive.” I stared at it for like fifteen minutes while Frankie sat there quietly until finally he broke into a smile and started cracking up. He pranked me. I have to think of a good way to get him back.
I laughed about it for a while and then I thought of the fortune cookie writers and they reminded me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
February 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
To avoid sounding really pathetic, this letter will be short. I fucking love you and I always will, whether you’re here or not. Happy Valentine’s Day. Nate.
P.S. Edith from next door gave me a bottle of whiskey to drown my sorrows, and of course it reminded me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you.
———
March 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
I got desperate the other day and tried to think of ploys to get a response from you. I thought I could say that you gave me an STD or that I had secret information that the world was coming to an end and that we needed to be together.
We need to be together. It’s been so long. I lied in my letter back in January. I actually stole that picture of you and your mom that you sent to Trish. I had to. I’m looking at it now and I’m remembering the way the sun made your brown eyes look green. I’m remembering how you felt in my bed.
Our house is done if you want to end this torture and come back to me.
The weddings last month went well except for the fact that it seemed like everyone around me was in love and I was just alone. I thought my best man speech would have been a good opportunity to get back at Frankie and prank him but instead of telling a joke I went into a long, sorrowful oration on lost love and broken hearts. People were in tears by the end of it so I had to lighten the mood by saying, “May Frankie and Emily never know those sad truths. To many years of marital bliss and lots of little Frankies running around!” Everyone clapped but I just headed for the bar, downed a few whiskeys, and went into the bathroom, severely drunk, and wept to a banquet server on his break. I’m sounding really pathetic again. Get your sweet ass back here, Avelina. I want to love you now.
I heard that song, “I Need My Girl” by The National today and how could it not remind me of you? Then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
April 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
Hi, beautiful. Two more months until I see you. I hope I’m not being delusional. Sometimes it all seems unreal; the brief move to Montana, finding you in Spain, holding you in my arms, all of it. Did it even happen?
I knew you had to heal and be on your own, I get that now, but I haven’t heard anything about you. I don’t even know if you’re safe. Trish and Bea said last they heard you were living with roommates in Madrid but that you haven’t checked in for a while. I didn’t know you were moving to Madrid. I feel lost, Ava. I don’t know what to do except wait.
I was in surgery for twenty-one hours yesterday. I saved a life with my hands but I felt nothing afterward. I was relieved, of course, but I just wanted to share it with someone. I wanted to share it with you but you’re not here. I’ve been at home today, resting and reading. I found an equestrian center in Burbank, which isn’t too far from here, where we can board Shine if you wanted to bring her back here. I know you said you were done with the horses but if it feels more like home to have her close by, then we can do it. The only way this place will feel like home for me is if you’re here.
Today at the hospital I heard a story of a man who died exactly one day after his wife’s funeral. They were married for fifty-six years. He died of sudden adult death syndrome, a cardiac condition that can be triggered by stress. It’s often referred to as the broken heart syndrome. I had heard of it but was skeptical until someone told me his story. They were each other’s best friend and a true example of lifelong love. When she was dying, he promised he would come to her soon and he did, but he made sure that she was buried before he let go. He took care of her all the way to the very end. It seems morbid to think about but that’s what I want to do for you. I want to take care of you. I want us to take care of each other until the end. The story reminded me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
May 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
Last Sunday was Mother’s Day so I took the day off and spent it with my mom. We talked about her life by my father’s side. She told me how my dad always gave her the right amount of space to be who she wanted to be but at the same time he was always attentive, which made her feel loved, like she was in a true partnership. It’s a gift to know that balance. It’s important in life and it’s important in my profession. Just wanted you to know that I’ve been trying to better myself in this time. I want to be the man that won’t let you down, ever. In a month I hope to see. This has been the longest year of my life.
Spring in California is beautiful, as you know. Everything is blooming. I can smell you in the wildflowers. Sometimes I think I see you standing on our balcony but I blink and you’re gone. Will it always be that way, Ava? I’ll blink and you’ll be gone? I haven’t asked Bea or Trish if they’ve heard from you. I’m resigned to whatever destiny has in store. Every vision I’ve had of my future includes you, but I know you have free will and those are my dreams. I hope they’re your dreams, too.
<
br /> I’ve worked it out so that I’m not working incessantly. I’ll have free time with you, with our kids, if you come back to me, Ava. I promise you that.
With the extra time, I’ve taken up surfing. It gets me in Zen mode before I go to work. At the back of our house we have wooden stairs that go down to the beach. It took me a few times to get the hang of it but now I’m a regular surfer dude. I’ve even let my hair grow out about half an inch. Baby steps. My mind has been quiet for a while now. There’s no more searching for answers. I know exactly what I want and I know that I may not get it. It’s been hard; I’m lonely. I miss you. I miss the idea of you.
Edith, our neighbor always tells me I’m weird because I don’t have a girlfriend. I keep telling her that you’re coming but when she asks where you are now, I have to say that I don’t know. I don’t know where you are in this world, in your mind, or in your heart, but I hope that a month from now it will all be the same place . . . with me.
People ask me all the time if I date or if I’m in a relationship. I never know the right thing to say. I usually tell them that I’m waiting for the only girl I’ve ever loved to come back to me. I get a lot of weird looks but I don’t care.
You have our address from the envelopes so I guess we can just plan to meet here on June 14th. I’ve already taken the day off. Come home.
This morning I bought a pair of shoes and stopped at a rack of women’s boots. I spotted a pair just like yours and it reminded me of you but then again everything reminds me of you. Do you think it always will? Nate.
———
June 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
This is the last letter I’m going to write you. I’m saying goodbye; I have to in order to move on with my life. You didn’t come back to me. I don’t know how long my hope was false. I don’t know if you were over us a month after I last saw you or if it was yesterday. I just know that I spent a year waiting for you and you never came.
It rained all night last night. We had a weird summer storm but somehow it made everything seem fresh this morning; renewed. I got up early and cleaned the house from top to bottom, took a shower, and waited. The house was full of flowers for you and I got your favorite wine. I even made dinner for the both of us and then I ate it alone. I sat out on the balcony and watched the sun go down into the ocean and then the wind picked up and I came inside to write you this letter.
I loved you, I love you now, but I’ll be able to go on. I know that I can. You taught me that. Not being with you is far from my dream, but like our hearts, dreams can be broken and repaired again. It’s hard for me not to wonder if I scared you away with all these letters. I hope not. I hope it just made you see how beautiful and amazing you are. I guess I’m realizing now that I just want you to be happy and safe. That’s the most I can hope for now. I brought some of your boxes here but I didn’t open
CHAPTER 26
The House on the Ocean
Avelina
The taillights of the cab blurred as they got farther and farther away. I stood motionless, watching them fade into the distance. I could hear the waves crashing below but it was too dark to see the ocean. It was just a vast black nothingness, made even blacker by the illuminated house perched on the cliff.
I knew Nate would be waiting for me. The delayed flight and broken GPS in the cab made it seem like the universe was making it hard on me to get back to him, but I was there, frozen in the street. The wind pushed against my back, encouraging me to go forward. I slowly made my way to the door with one tiny suitcase in hand. For a year I wondered about that moment. What would I say? What would I wear? Would Nate still want to be with me? I knew from the letters that he would be waiting.
The doorknob turned with ease, so I made my way inside quietly. From the entryway I could see him, sitting at a desk, writing. He was turned away from the door so that he didn’t notice my presence.
I had the urge to watch him for a few seconds before getting his attention. His arm was propped on the desk and his hand was lost in his hair as he leaned over the desk, his right hand flying across the page. His hair was a bit longer and he looked tan, which made me smile. He was wearing black jeans, no shoes, and a plain gray T-shirt. He looked casual and comfortable but his posture gave him a slightly dejected look. I wondered if it was because I was so late.
“Nate,” I finally spoke. He turned in his chair and looked at me. He blinked a few times, showing little recognition.
“Ava.” The word barely made a sound on his lips. He was testing it.
He stood but stayed where he was. We watched each other for a moment. I saw his eyes dart everywhere. He looked at my suitcase then up and down my body. He swayed again.
I dropped my suitcase and went to him. His hands gripped my face hard. Like the sun to the ocean, I sank into Nate before everything went quiet. We were together.
“You’re here.”
“Yes,” I said.
“Why did you make me wait?” He pulled away and opened his eyes wide, accusatorily.
“We agreed on a year.”
“No, I mean today.”
I looked away. “Oh, my flight . . .”
“Never mind,” he said, then he smashed his mouth to mine. I melted into him.
He pulled away suddenly and looked down at me, his eyes still wide. “So you planned to come back to me . . . all along, like you said you would?”
“I was counting down the minutes from the moment I left you on my mother’s doorstep. I had to do it; I had to prove . . .”
“Shh,” he said, stepping forward again and crushing his lips to mine. A second later, he pulled away abruptly again. I actually laughed this time. He smiled finally, sending both of us into a fit of laughter until we were almost crying. “We’re crazy. I can’t believe we did it.”
I looked earnestly into his eyes. “Thank you for the letters. It was the only way I got through it. You motivated me, so thank you. You proved to me how strong you are and how much you want us to be together. I’ll never ask for proof again. Now I can trust you and I hope you can trust me, too.”
“Barely.” He smiled. “You made it by the skin of your teeth, you know that?”
“Ha! Nate Meyers, did you develop a sense of humor while I was gone?”
He smirked. “I had to . . . to get through it.”
We fell into each other’s arms. “I’m here now.”
His expression turned serious. “If I blink, will you disappear?”
“I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me forever. That’s just how I operate. I’m a hundred percent or nothing.”
I was wearing a dress and a leather jacket when I walked into the house. Minutes later, I was wearing nothing at all.
“So you won’t ever leave?” He carried me quickly down the hall to the bedroom. Our bedroom.
“Never. My heart stays here.”
He kissed me and smiled against my mouth. “Where have you been?” he whispered.
“Growing up.”
“Me too,” he replied quickly.
We were a blur of bodies, trying to catch up on everything, interrupting each other with passionate kisses. Soon, we were in bed. He hovered over me, between my legs. The room was dark but the moonlight reflecting off of the ocean lit Nate’s face enough for me to see the wonder in his eyes. I brought my hands up and caressed his jaw. “What is it?” I asked.
“I’m just looking at my future, and it’s beautiful,” he said.
I smiled. “Forever is only now.”
Epilogue
Edith
It’s not exactly a comforting thought to know our medical professionals are batshit insane, especially as I approach my geriatric years. It was an absolute delight and frankly a relief to finally see the girl.
You see, my neighbor is a doctor. He’s a little off in the head, which is frightening when you consider his profession. He wears cowboy boots with his scrubs, yet he surfs every day. The boy is confused. He told me months ago about
this girl and how beautiful she was and how she was going to come and live with him. I have to admit, I didn’t believe a damn word he said. He’s handsome enough to be Los Angeles’s most eligible bachelor, but he’s a little strange, like I said, hung up on a girl I was certain didn’t exist. And then she came.
I was sitting on my veranda one morning when I saw the two of them on their balcony. I’m generally not a nosey neighbor, I don’t pry, and I never gossip. Except of course when Joanna Jacobs was sleeping with Kylie Whitmore’s husband, but that was just a public service announcement to let the neighborhood folks know, especially the married women. I wouldn’t call it gossip.
I lost my Georgie years ago and never moved on. Some people find love again. Those are the lucky ones. Some find love even easier, which makes them unlucky. When I saw Nate and Ava on the balcony, I wanted to look away and give them their privacy but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop watching because it reminded me of what it felt like to be consumed. They held each other and kissed and talked, and even though I couldn’t hear what they were saying, I could tell they were both interested and eager. There was never a moment when they weren’t touching. Later, they kissed for a long time and then Nathanial pulled her inside. I’ve been around long enough to know what happened next. I may be an old woman, but I’m no twit.
Nate didn’t lie about a thing. Ava was beautiful and exotic, and when I finally met her, she was friendly and sweet, too. She told me she was very close to receiving her nursing degree and that she and Nate planned to marry the following summer. She told me about the horses and she mentioned her first husband. I knew the story.
There are people in this world who have experienced great personal tragedy, some of whom just wither away from the pain or meander through life numb until their time comes to an end. Ava didn’t. She chose to go on and give it another chance, but I think it took a long time for her to heal and to start growing again. In all my years, I’ve learned that life delivers many storms for us to weather. Some will be slow, brooding, quiet beasts, and others will be loud, thunderous, and frightening. But if you’re willing to look close enough, no matter how devastating the storm may be, after the rain you’ll always find new life sprouting in the aftermath.