More often than not I’m anxious and troubled by one thing or another. This morning I wake up and everything feels just fine. I feel completely altered for the better. Nothing matters in the world at this very moment. The events that have unfolded prior to today no longer have any bearing on my mind what-so-ever. Ali and I are together for the first time since we were young and finding our way through life’s mysterious mazes. We can just be. Man, it’s so nice to just be for once in our lives.
I lean my face towards the top of Ali’s stark naked head and kiss it gently, trying not to disturb her sleep. I wrap my arms just slightly tighter around her naked shoulders and squeeze. Looking at the ceiling, I think to myself, “This is not a dream. This is the real thing.” I have never felt so alive in all of my life.
The light shines through the thin curtains hanging over the rustic window. Dust particles dance like snowflakes in the sunshine before my eyes. How peaceful is this? There are no sirens. There are no noisy neighbors outside our hole-in-the-wall of a room. No parents. Nothing. The only noise I can hear is the sound of Ali’s breathing flowing through here rosy mouth. This is unquestionably perfect.
I tilt my cheek against the upper most part of Ali’s sleek head and slide back into a half awake and half asleep state of semi-consciousness. No reason in getting up if Ali isn’t awake yet. Plus, I don’t want to bother her. She’s probably not going to wake up any time soon, anyway.
At some point during the course of the morning I had surrendered myself completely to the Sand Man and fell back asleep. It doesn’t feel like it’s been more than five minutes and Ali wakes me up. It is right around noon and the sun barely peaks between the curtains hanging over the window. She touches my cheek and I grab her hand, letting her know that I am finally awake, too.
“Good morning, sunshine!” She says enthusiastically. “Let’s get a move on the day.”
“Ali, it’s already noon,” I say, rolling my eyes are her and pausing for a yawn that never finds its way beyond my tongue. “There’s no getting a move on the day when it’s already after noon.”
“Technicalities,” she says to me, waving her hands around her bare scalp. She gets up and checks herself out in the mirror over the dresser. “I look good.” She blows a kiss at herself and begins pulling out some makeup from her backpack on the floor near the dresser.
“How does my hair look?” I ask her, looking for a little attention. I hate how needy I can be sometimes. Whatever. I still want her to notice me. Just a little attention could do me some good.
“You look absolutely gorgeous,” she says. She turns around and walks toward me. Ali leans in to give me a kiss.
I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard her say something like that to me. As silly as this may sound, she’s definitely the man in this relationship. Wait, did we even have a relationship? “Stop thinking so much, Val!” I think to myself and slap my palm against my forehead.
Ali goes back to her reflection and applies thick black eyeliner and dark mascara around her eyes in the mirror. She looks at me intently through the echo of herself and sets her eye pencil down. “What’s wrong?” she asks me. She seems genuinely concerned.
“About last night…” I say as I kind of trail off before making an actual statement. My fingers scrape down my face in a bit of frustration. I’m afraid to get into any serious discussions after the failed attempt yesterday in the woods. I’d hate to ruin yet another fantastic thing. The most perfect thing ever.
That does seem to be about par for the course with me, though. I’m so good at ruining everything. I kill every opportunity I have in my own wake. I am the best saboteur I know.
“Val, don’t worry about last night. It meant a lot to me, but I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. I’ll understand if you’re not interested in me the way I am interested in you,” she says sullenly. She looks like that was the most painful thing she has ever had to say. Her eyes dip down to the rustic dresser just underneath her hands.
“No! I don’t think you understand where I was going with that. Shit.” Tears erupt from my eyes and fall down my cheeks. Here go the waterworks, again. I bury my face in my hands.
“Well then maybe you should tell me what you mean,” she says as she moves to sit next to me on the bed. There’s a twinge of attitude in her voice. She hugs me with all of her strength. I wish I was in the right frame of mind to enjoy it as much as I wanted to.
“Ali, I love you. I love you more than anything.” I’m about to break down into a fit of sobs at this point. “I want every night for the rest of my life to be just like last night. I want to be with you every second of every day until the day I die. It’s been killing me not to be able to tell you how I really felt.”
I just spilled my heart and guts out all over the bed I sit on. If it were a visible flood, it’d be as thick and as red as the blood that flows through my veins. My shoulders are bobbing up and down with each of my individual sniffs. I feel sick. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. Stupid nerves.
Ali straightens up and grabs me by the shoulders. She shakes me a few times to get me to snap out of my hysteria. I suck at this and I know it. “Val, I love you. Why didn’t you tell me all of these things before?”
“I tried. I really did.” A cry interrupts my speech. “I was so afraid you’d reject me and I’d be left all alone. I’d rather have you only as a friend than nothing at all. I was so afraid of losing you, Ali.” I can’t help but be entirely truthful. If I’m going to have my own little Valerie Revolution here, I knew I would need to break down and change everything.
“Listen to me, Val. You will never lose me. Never in a million years. Do you not remember me pulling you out of the church by your dress?” The blubbering starts rolling for Ali, too. We both look at each other and gurgle half-hearted giggles between ourselves. I’m mainly laughing at myself and how stupid I’ve been.
“Yeah, I guess I do.” A smirk wipes across my face. How could I not remember that Ali was the only reason I actually ran out on the wedding? Well, not the only reason. I’ve never been attracted to guys. I’ve definitely never been interested in the really creepy ones that stalk chicks for a thrill.
“You have nothing to worry about, Val. I will never leave you. We are together. You are here and I am here. That will never change. I’m never going anywhere without you.” Ali lies back on the bed and pulls me down with her. We cuddle and hug, allowing the cries to flow as they may. “What do you think we should do? You and I still have a life to make in Florida.”
“I guess it’s time for us to get there then, huh?” I ask her in my best sing-song voice. I’m a horrific singer, by the way. My voice cracks, still sniffling away at the tears that had just engulfed me. Ali laughs at me.
When it comes right down to it, this is the most amazing I have ever felt in my entire life, despite the tears and incessant weeping. We are two completely new people. We are stronger now than we have ever been. I feel invincible. I know that as long as we are together, we can do anything.
Despite the odds, we can make it. We will make it.