CHAPTER X
Her hatred and horror of him gave her no peace. Angry, incensed,at moments almost beside herself with grief and shame andself-contempt, she awaited the letter which he must write--thehumble and hopeless effort for pardon which she never, never wouldanswer or even in her own soul grant.
Day after day she brooded, intent, obsessed, fiercely pondering hisobliteration.
But no letter came.
No letter came that week, nor Monday, nor at the end of the nextweek, nor the beginning of the next.
Wrath, at night, had dried her eyes where she lay crying in herhumiliation; wrath diminished as the days passed; scorn became lessrigid, anger grew tremulous. Then what was lurking near herpillow lifted a pallid head. Fear!
She waited. Wrath died, scorn died; there was not enough to dryher tears at night--a deeper, more hopeless humiliation had becomethe shame of forgiving him, of loneliness without him, of waitingfor his letter, heart sick--his letter that never came.
Letter after letter to him she destroyed, and fell ill of thetension, or perhaps of a heavy cold caught in the rain where shehad walked for hours, aimlessly, unable to bear her longing and herdesolation.
Dr. Benton attended her; the pretty volunteer nurse came to sitwith her during convalescence.
The third week in June she was physically well enough to dress andgo about the house. And on that day she came to her shamefuldecision.
She wrote him, waited a dreary week for an answer; wrote him again,waited two weeks; wrote him a third and last letter. No answercame. And she went dully about the task of forgetting.
About the middle of July she heard from Stephen that Berkley hadenlisted in one of the new unattached cavalry companies, but whichone he did not know. Also she learned that the 3rd Zouaves hadtheir marching orders and would probably come to the city toreceive their colours. Later she heard from the mayor, the commoncouncil, and from Major Lent; and prepared for the ceremony.
The ceremony was prettily impressive; Ailsa, Mrs. Craig, herdaughters, Paige and Marye, and Camilla Lent wearing a bell buttonfrom Stephen's zouave jacket, stood on the lawn in front of Ailsa'shouse, escorted by Colonel Arran who had returned from Washington,with his commission, by the mayor of the city, and severalred-faced, fat-paunched gentlemen of the common council, and by ayoung officer, Captain Hallam, who stood behind Ailsa and seemedunable to keep his handsome eyes off her.
Twenty-third Street was packed solid with people and all aflutterwith flags under the July sun when the distant strains of militarymusic and blue lines of police heralded the coming of the 3rdZouaves.
Band crashing, raw, gray horses of field and staff-officersdancing, the regiment came swinging down the wide stony street,--atorrent of red and gold, a broad shaft of silvery bayonets;--andhalted facing the group of ladies and officials.
Celia Craig looked down at her husband where he sat his great grayhorse. Their last good-bye had already been said; he sat erect,calm, gazing quietly up at her through his gold-rimmed eye-glasses;from his blue sleeves' edge to the points of his shouldersglittered in twisted gold the six-fold arabesques of his rank.
The roar of cheers was dying away now; a girlish figure in whitehad moved forward to the edge of the lawn, carrying two standardsin her arms, and her voice was very clear and sweet and perfectlyaudible to everybody;
"Colonel Craig, officers, and soldiers of the 3rd New York Zouaves;the ladies of the Church of Sainte Ursula have requested me, intheir name, to present to you this set of colours. God guard themand you!
"Remember that, although these flags are now yours, they stillremain ours. Your cause is ours. Your vows our vows. Yourloyalty to God and country is part of our loyalty to God, tocountry, and to you."
She stood silent, pensive a moment; then stretched out her arms, aflag in either hand; and the Colonel rode straight up to where shestood, took the silken colours and handed them to the twocolour-sergeants. Then, while an orderly advanced to the head ofhis horse, Colonel Craig dismounted and quietly ascended the stepsbeside the little group of ladies and city officials:
"On behalf of the officers and men of the 3rd New York Zouaves," hesaid, "I thank you. We are grateful. I think that we all mean todo our best.
"If we cannot, in the hour of trial, do all that is expected of us,we will do all that is in us to do.
"It is very easy to dress a thousand men in uniform, and investthem with the surroundings of military life; but it is not thusalone that soldiers are made. It is only discipline; regularsteady, rigid discipline--that forms a soldier to be relied upon inthe hour of need.
"At present we are only recruits. So I ask, in justice to theregiment, that you will not demand too much of us in the beginning.We desire to learn; we desire most earnestly to deserve yourconfidence. I can only say that we will try to prove ourselves notunworthy guardians of these flags you have given us."
He bowed, turned to go, swung around sharply and looked at his wife.
"Good-bye, my darling," he said under his breath; and the nestmoment he was in the saddle.
All the rest that Ailsa recollected distinctly was the deafeningoutcrash of military music, the sustained cheering, the clatter ofhoofs, the moving column of red and gold--and Celia, standing thereunder the July sun, her daughters' hands in hers.
So the 3rd Zouaves marched gaily away under their new silk flags totheir transport at Pier No. 3, North River. But the next dayanother regiment received its colours and went, and every day or somore regiments departed with their brand-new colours; and after alittle only friends and relatives remembered the 3rd Zouaves, andwhat was their colonel's name.
By the middle of July the transformation of the metropolis from acity into a vast military carnival was complete. Gaudy uniformswere no longer the exception; a madness for fantastic brilliancyseized the people; soldiers in all kinds of colours and all kindsof dress filled the streets. Hotels, shops, ferry-boats, stages,cars, swarmed with undisciplined troops of all arms of the service,clad in every sort of extravagant uniforms. Except for the moresevere state uniform and the rarer uniform of National troops,eccentric costumes were the rule. It was a carnival of militaryabsurdity. Regiments were continually entering the city, regimentswere continually leaving it; regiments in transit disembarkedovernight only to resume the southward journey by steamer or train;regiments in camp and barrack were completing organisation andbeing mustered in by United States officers. Gorgeous regimentsparaded for inspection, for drill, for the reception of state andregimental colours; three-month troops were returning, bands madlyplaying; two- and three-year regiments leaving, drums beatingfrantically.
The bewildering variety of cut and colour in the uniforms of thisvast army, which was being made to order, had been, in a measure,rendered comparatively homogeneous by the adoption of theregulation blue overcoat, but many a regiment wore its own patternof overcoat, many a regiment went forward in civilian attire,without arms and equipment, on the assurance that these detailswere to be supplied in Washington.
The dress of almost every foreign army in Europe was representedamong the regiments forming or in transit. The 79th Highlanders,it is true, discarded kilt and bagpipe on the eve of departure,marching in blouse and cap and breeks of army blue; but the 14th.Brooklyn departed in red cap and red breeches, the 1st and 2d FireZouaves discarded the Turkish fez only; the 5th, 9th, 10th Zouavesmarched wearing fez and turban; and bizarre voltigeurs, footchasseurs, hussars, lancers, rocket batteries in costume defantasie poured southward,--no two regiments equipped and armedalike.
The city remained in painful suspense concerning its raw,multicoloured, and undisciplined army. Every few days aroserumours of a great battle fought on Virginia soil, corroborated byextras, denied next morning. During the last half of July suchreports had been current daily, tightening the tension, frighteningparents, wives, and sweethearts. Recent armed affrays had beencalled battles; the dead zouaves at Big Bethel, a dead trooper atAlexandria sobered and silenced the
street cheering. Yet, what areal battle might be, nobody really comprehended or even surmised.
To Ailsa Paige June and July passed like fevered dreams; the briefsweet spring had suddenly turned into summer in a single day--astrange, stifling, menacing summer full of heavy littlethunder-storms which rolled crackling and banging up the Hudsonamid vivid electric displays, leaving no coolness behind theirtrailing wake of rain.
Society was lingering late in town--if the few nebulous,unorganised, and scattered social groups could be calledsociety--small coteries drawn temporarily together through accidentof environment, inherited family acquaintance, traditional,material, or religious interest, and sometimes by haphazardintellectual compatibility.
In the city, and in Ailsa's little world, the simple social routinecentring in Sainte Ursula's and the Assembly in winter, and in LongBranch and Saratoga in summer, had been utterly disorganised. Veryfew of her friends had yet left for the country; nor had she madeany arrangements for this strange, unreal summer, partly because,driven to find relief from memory in occupation, she was devotingherself very seriously to the medical instruction under Dr. Benton;partly because she did not consider it a fitting time to seek thecoolness and luxury of inland spa or seaside pier.
Colonel Arran had brought back with him from Washington a CaptainHallam, a handsome youngster who wore his cavalry uniform toperfection and who had become instantly attentive to Ailsa,--soattentive that before she realised it he was a regular visitor ather house, appropriating the same chair that Berkley alwayshad--Berkley!----
At the memory she closed her eyes instinctively. The woundthrobbed,
"What is the matter, Mrs. Paige?" inquired Captain Hallamanxiously. "Are you faint?"
She opened her eyes and smiled in pretence of surprise at such aquestion; and Hallam muttered: "I thought you seemed rather paleall of a sudden." Then he brightened up and went gaily on withwhat he had been saying:
"We've got nine full companies already, and the 10th, K, is anindependent company which we're taking in to complete ourorganisation. Colonel Arran and I stopped in Philadelphia toinspect Colonel Rush's regiment of lancers--the 6th PennsylvaniaCavalry--because the French officers on McClellan's staff have putit into his head that he needs lancers----"
"Is Colonel Arran's regiment to carry lances?" interrupted Ailsa insurprise.
Hallam nodded, laughing: "We recruited as light cavalry, armed withsabre and pistol, but General McClellan has ordered that we carrythe lance in addition. The department had none to issue until theforeign samples arrived. We are ordered to carry a lance of theAustrian pattern, nine feet long with an eleven-inch, three-edgedblade; the staff of Norway fir about an inch and a quarter through,with ferrule and counter poise at the heel. Do I make myselfclear, Mrs. Paige?"
Ailsa, thinking of Berkley, flushed slightly and nodded.
"There'll be a scarlet swallow-tailed pennon on the end just belowthe blade point. The whole affair will weigh about five pounds,"concluded Hallam, rising to take his leave; "and I've got to be offto camp."
"Must you go, Captain Hallam?"
"I really must. That K Company is due in camp this evening, and Iexpect our uniforms and equipments will be delivered in themorning. Are you coming to see us off, Mrs. Paige?"
"When do you go? Colonel Arran said nothing about going."
"Oh, I expect we'll be on our way before very long. We are not inthe best of shape yet; that's not to be expected. But there's asad lack of cavalry in Washington, and they may want us to gowhether we're ready or not. They sent off a regiment that hadneither arms nor uniforms and couldn't even keep step, the otherday. I've an idea we are going pretty soon." He took Ailsa'soffered hand, looked at her a little earnestly, smiled inself-satisfaction, and went his way.
Later in the week he came back for a few moments; and all throughthe week he continued to come back for a few moments whenever hehad an hour's leave.
And every time he took his leave his smile became less nervous andmore confident.
She was very unhappy; devotion to Dr. Benton's class helped;devotion to Celia in her brief visits to Brooklyn helped, too;devotion to others, to prayer, all helped as long as it wasdevotion of some sort.
And now this young, blue-eyed, blonde-haired fellow was on the edgeof offering to devote himself to her. She knew it, wonderedwhether this was her refuge from care. And when he did, at last,she was quietly prepared to answer.
"Captain Hallam," she said slowly, "I _do_ like you. I don't knowwhether I could ever learn to love you. I am not very happy; itmight influence my judgment. If you are willing to wait until Iknow more about myself----"
Oh, he _would_ wait! Certainly. Meanwhile would she wear hisring--not exactly an engagement--unless she was willing--but----
She hesitated. Lonelier than she had ever been in all her life, nolonger self-sufficient, wistfully hopeless, needing to devoteherself absolutely to something or somebody, she hesitated. Butthat evening when Hallam came with his ring she could not bringherself to accept what she now seemed to be most deeply in needof--the warm, eager, complacent affection that he laid at her feet.She was not yet able--could not; and the desolate memories ofBerkley set the wound aching anew. . . . No, she could promisenothing to this young fellow--nothing yet. . . . Perhaps, in thefuture--as time passed--she might venture to wear his ring, and seewhat happened to her. But she would not promise--she would nottalk of marrying him. . . . And cried herself to sleep over thememory of Berkley, and his vileness, and his heartless wickedness,and his ignoble love that had left her so ashamed, so humiliated,so cruelly crushed for ever. And all night long she dreamed ofBerkley and of his blessed nearness; and the sweetness of her dreamtroubled her profoundly. She sat up, still asleep, her strainingthroat whispering his name, her arms outstretched, blindlysearching the darkness for him, until suddenly awake, she realisedwhat she was doing, and dropped back among her pillows.
All that day the city was filled with rumours of a great battlefought in Virginia. The morning's papers hailed it with triumphanthead-lines and columns of praise and thanksgiving for a greatvictory won. But at night the stunned city knew that Bull Run hadbeen fought and lost, and the Confederacy was at the gates ofWashington.