CHAPTER THREE
THE PRETTIEST GAL AND THE HOMELIEST MAN
I'M just square enough to own _up_ it was one on me. But far's thatpar_tic_ular mix-up goes, I can _afford_ to be honest, and let anybodysnicker that wants to--seein' the way the hull thing turned out. 'Causehow about Doc Simpson? Didn't I git bulge Number Two on him? And howabout the little gal? Didn't it give me my first chanst? _Course,_ itdid! And now, sometimes, when I want to feel happier'n a frog in apuddle, just a-thinkin' it all over, I lean back, shut my two eyes, andsay, "Ladies and gents, this is where you git the Blackfoot InjunRoot-ee, the Pain Balm, the Cough Balsam, the Magic Salve and the WormDestroyer--the fi-i-ive remedies fer two dollars!"
That medicine show follered the dawg fight. It hit Briggs City towardssundown one day, in a prairie-schooner drawed by two big, white mules,and druv up to the eatin'-house. Out got a smooth-faced, middle-agedfeller in a linen duster and half a' acre of hat--kinda part judge,part scout, y' savvy; out got two youngish fellers in fancy vests andgrey dicers; next, a' Injun in a blanket, and a lady in a yalla-stripedshirtwaist. Wal, sir, it was just like they'd struck that town to startthings a-movin' fer me!
The show hired the hall over Silverstein's store. Then one of them fancyvests walked up and down Front Street, givin' out hand-bills. The othersent word to all the ranches clost by, and the Injun went 'round tothem scattered houses over where the parson and Doc Trowbridge lives.
Them hand-bills read somethin' like this: The _Re_nowned BlackfootMedicine Company Gives Its First Performance T'Night! Grand Open-AirBand Concert. Come One, Come All. Free! Free! Free! 3--The MarvellousMurrays--3. To-Ko, the Human Snake, The World Has Not His Equal. MissVera de Mille In Bewitchin' Song and Dance. Amuricaw's Greatest NiggerImpersynater. The Fav'rite Banjoist of the Sunny South. Injun ShaddaPictures,--and a hull lot more I cain't just _re_call.
When I seen that such a big bunch was a-goin' to preform, I walked overand peeked into that schooner. I figgered, y' savvy, that they was somemore people in it that hadn't come out yet. But they wasn't--only boxesand boxes of bottles.
Right after supper, that medicine outfit played in front ofSilverstein's. The judge-lookin' feller beat the drum, the Injunblowed a big brass dinguss, the gal a clari'net, and the other twofellers some shiny instruments curlier'n a pig's tail. But it wasbully, that's all _I_ got to say, and drawed like a mustard plaster.'Cause whilst in Oklahomaw a _Injun_ show don't count fer much, bein'that we got more'n our fill of reds, all the same, with musicthrowed in, Briggs City was there. And Silverstein's hall was justjampacked.
The front seats was took up by the town kids, a-course. Then come thewomen and gals,--a sprinklin' of men amongst 'em; behind _them,_ thecow-punchers. And in the back end of the place a dozen 'r so of niggersand cholos. Whilst all was a-waitin' fer the show to begin, the punchersdone a lot of laughin' and cat-callin' to each other, and made someconsider'ble noise. I was along with the rest, only up in one of theside windas, settin' on the sill and swingin' my hoofs.
When the show opened, they was first a fine piece--a march, I reckon--bythe band. All the time, more people was a-comin' in. 'Mongst 'em wasDoc Trowbridge and Rose, and Up-State--he was that pore lunger that washere from the East, y' savvy. Next, right after them three, that DocSimpson I was so all-fired stuck on. And, along with him, a gal.
Wal, who do you think it was! _I_ knowed to oncet. They wasn't nomistakin' that slim, little figger and that pert little haid. It was_Her!_
"Cupid," whispered Hairoil Johnson (he was settin' byside me), "itlooks to me like you didn't much discourage that Noo York doc who ownswhat's left of a toot buggy. Failin' to git the oldest gal out at theBar Y, why, now he's a-sailin' 'round with the youngest one."
I didn't say nothin'. I was a-watchin' where _she_ was. I wanted t'ketch sight of her face.
"I devilled ole man Sewell about kickin' him out and then takin' himback," goes on Hairoil. "And Sewell said he was a punk doctor, butawful good comp'ny. Huh! Comp'ny ain't what _that_ dude's after.He's after a big ranch and a graded herd. It's a blamed pity youdidn't git _him_ sent up t' Kansas City fer _re_pairs."
The band was a-playin', but I didn't pay much attention to it. I kepta-watchin' that slim, little figger a-settin' next Simpson--a-watchin'till I plumb fergot where I was, almost. "Macie,--Macie Sewell."
Just then, I'm another if she didn't look round! And square at _me!_She wasn't smilin', just sober, and sorta inquirin'. Her eyes lookeddark, and big. She had a square little chin, like the gals you see drawedin pictures, and some soft, white, lacey stuff was a-restin' agin herneck. They was two 'r three good-lookin' gals at the eatin'-housethem days, and Carlota Arnaz was awful pretty, too. But none of 'emcouldn't hole a candle t' _this_ one. Took in her cute little facewhilst she looked straight back at me. Say! them eyes of hern comenigh pullin' me plumb outen that winda!
Then the Judge walked out onto the platform, and she faced for'ardsagain. "Ladies and gents," says the ole feller, talkin' like hismouth was full of mush, "we have come to give you' enterprisin' littlecity a free show. A free show, ladies and gents,--it ain't a-goin'to cost you a _nickel_ to come here and enjoy you'self ev'ry night.More'n that, we plan to stay as long as you want us to. And we plan togive you the very best talent in this hull United States."
All this time, the fancy-vest fellers was layin' a carpet and fixin' abox and a table on the stage. The Judge, he turned and waved his hand."Our first number," he says, "will be the Murrays in they marvellousact."
Wal, them fancy-vests and the lady was the Marvellous Murrays. Andthey was all in pink circus-clothes. "Two brothers and a sister, Iguess," says Hairoil. I should _hope_ so! 'Cause the way they jerkedeach other 'round was enough t' bring on a fight if they hadn't'a' been relations. All three of 'em could walk on they hands nighas good as on they feet, and turn somersets quicker'n lightnin'. Andwhen the somersettin' and leap-froggin' come to oncet, it was grand!First the big feller'd git down; then, the other'd step onto hisback. And as the big one bucked, his brother'd fly up,--all in a ball,kinda--spin 'round two 'r three times, and light right side up. Andthen they stood on each other's faces like they'd plumb flat 'em out!
When they was done, they all come to the edge of the platform, the ladykissin' her hand. All the punchers kissed back!
Wal, ev'rybody laughed then, and clapped, and the Judge brought on theInjun. That Injun was smart, all right. Wiggled his fingers behind asheet and made 'em look like animals, and like people that was walkin'and bowin' and doin' jigs. I wondered if Macie Sewell liked it. Guessshe did! She was a-smilin' and leanin' for'ards to whisper to Billyand Rose. But not much to Simpson, _I_ thought. Say! I was glad of that.Wasn't _none_ of my business, a-course. _Course,_ it wasn't. But,just the same, whenever I seen him put his haid clost to hern, it shoregot under my skin.
The Judge was out again. "Miss Vera de Mille," he says, "will sing'Wait Till the Sun Shines, Maggie.'" Wal, if I hadn't 'a' hadreasons fer stayin', I wouldn't 'a' waited a _minute_--reg'larcow-bellerin' in place of a voice, y' savvy. What's more, she wasonly that Marvellous Murray woman in diff'rent clothes! (No wonderthey wasn't no more people in that outfit!) But I didn't keer aboutthe show. I just never took my eyes offen----
She looked my way again!
Say! I was roped--right 'round my shoulders, like I'd roped Simpson!And I was plumb helpless. That look of hern was a lasso, pullin' me toher, steady and shore. "Macie--Macie Sewell," I whispered to myself,and I reckon my lips moved.
"You blamed idjit!" says Hairoil, out loud almost, "what's the matterwith you? You'll have me outen this winda in a minute!"
The Judge was bowin' some more. "We have now come to the middle of ourpro_gram,_" he says. "But 'fore I begin announcin' the last half,which is our best, I want to tell you all a story.
"Ladies and gents, I come t' Briggs to bring you a message--a messagewhich I feel bound to deliver. And I've gone through a turrible lot tobe able to stand here to-night and say to you what I'm a-goin' to say.
"Listen! Years ago, a little boy, about so high, with his father andmother and 'leven sisters and brothers, started to cross the Plainswith a' ox-team. They reached the Blackfoot country safe. But there,ladies and gents, a turrible thing happened to 'em. One day, more'nfour hunderd Injuns surrounded they wagon and showed fight. They fit 'emback, ladies and gents,--the father and the mother and the children,killin' a good many bucks and woundin' more. But the Injuns was toomany fer that pore fambly. And in a' hour, the reds had captured onelittle boy--whilst the father and mother and the 'leven sisters andbrothers was no more!" (The Judge, he sniffled a little bit.)
"The little boy was carried to a big Injun camp," he goes on. "And itwas here, ladies and gents,--it was here he seen _won_-derful things.He seen them Injuns that was wounded put some salve on they wounds and behealed; he seen others, that was plumb tuckered with fightin', drinka blackish medicine and git up like new men. Natu'lly, he wonderedwhat was _in_ that salve, and what was _in_ that medicine. Wal, hemade friends with a nice Injun boy. He ast him _questions_ aboutthat salve and that medicine. He learnt what plants was dug to make bothof 'em. Then, one dark night, he crawled outen his wigwam on his handsand knees. Behind him come his little Injun friend. They went slow andsoft to where was the pony herd. They caught up two fast ponies, andclumb onto 'em, dug in they spurs, and started eastwards as fast asthey could go. The white boy's heart was filled with joy, ladies andgents. He had a secret in his bosom that meant health to ev'ry _man,woman_ and _child_ of his own race. As he galloped along, he says tohisself, 'I'll spend my _life_ givin' this priceless secret to theworld!'
"Wal, ladies and gents, that's what he begun to do--straight off.And t'-night, my dear friends, that boy is in Briggs City!" (A-course,ev'rybody begun to look 'round fer him.) "Prob-'bly," goes on theJudge, "they's more'n a hunderd people in this town that'll thankProvidence he come: They's little children that won't be orphans;they's wives that won't be widdas. Fer he is anxious to tell 'em of aremedy that will cure a-a-all the ills of the body. And, ladies andgents, _I_--am--that--boy!"
That got the punchers so excited and so tickled, that they hollered andstamped and banged and done about twenty dollars' worth of damage to thehall.
"My friends," goes on the Judge, "I have _pre_pared, aided by my dearInjun comrade here, the sev'ral kinds of medicines discovered by theBlackfeet." The fancy-vests, rigged out like Irishmen, was fixin' atable and puttin' bottles on to it. "I have these wonderful medicineswith me, and I sell 'em at a figger that leaves only profit enough ferthe five of us to live on. I do _more'n_ that. Ev'rywheres I go, I_pre_sent, as a soovneer of my visit, _a handsome, solid-gold watch andchain._"
Out come that singin' lady, hoidin' the watch and chain in front ofher so's the crowd could see. My! what a lot of whisperin'!
"This elegant gift," _con_tinues the Judge, "is _a_warded by means ofa votin' contest. And it goes to the prettiest gal."
More whisperin', and I sees a brakeman git up and go over to talk toanother railroad feller. Wal, _I_ didn't have to be tole who was theprettiest gal!
"Ladies and gents,"--the Judge again--"in this contest, _ev'ry_bodyis allowed to vote. All a person has to do is to take two dollars'worth of my medicine. Each two-dollar buy gives you ten votes fer theprettiest gal; and just to add a little fun to the contest, it alsogives you ten votes fer the homeliest man. If you buy these medicines,you'll never want to buy no others. Here's where you git the BlackfootInjun Rootee, my friends, the Pain Balm, the Cough Balsam, the MagicSalve, and the Worm Destroyer--the fi-i-ive remedies fer two dollars!"
Then he drawed a good, long breath and begun again, tellin' us justwhat the diff'rent medicines was good fer. When he was done, hesays,--playin' patty-cake with them fat hands of hisn--"Now, who'llbe the first to buy, and name a choice fer the prettiest gal?"
Up jumps that brakeman, "Gimme two dollars' worth of you' dope," hesays, "and drop ten votes in the box fer Miss Mollie Brown."
(Eatin'-house waitress, y' savvy.)
"And the ugliest man?" ast the Judge, whilst one of the fancy veststook in the cash and handed over the medicine.
"Monkey Mike," answers the brakeman. And then the boys began t' joshMike.
"I'm a sucker, too," hollers the other railroad feller. "Here's ten_more_ votes fer Miss Brown."
Just then, in she come,--pompydore stickin' up like a hay-stack. Therailroad bunch, they give a cheer. Huh!
I got outen that winda and onto my feet. "Judge," I calls, puttin'up one hand to show him who was a-talkin', "here's _eight_ dollarsfer you' rat-pizen. And you can chalk down forty votes fer Miss MacieSewell."
Say! cain't you hear them Bar Y punchers?--"_Yip! yip! yip! yip!yip! yip! ye-e-e!_" A-course all the _other_ punchers, they hollered,too. And whilst we was yellin', that tenderfoot from Noo York wasa-jabberin' to Macie, mad like, and scowlin' over my way. And she?Wal, she was laughin', and blushin', and shakin' that pretty haid ofhern--at _me!_
I was so _ex_cited I didn't know whether I was a-foot 'r a-hoss-back.But I knowed enough to _buy,_ all right. Wal, that medicine went likehotcakes! I blowed _my_self, and Hairoil blowed _his_-self, and the Bar Yboys cleaned they pockets till the bottles was piled up knee-highbyside the benches. And whilst we shelled out, the Judge kept ona-goin' like he'd been wound up--"Here's _another_ feller that wantsRoot-ee! and here's another over on this side! And, lady, it'll begood fer you, too, _yas,_ ma'am. The Blackfoot Injun Rootee, myfriends, the Pain Balm, the Cough Balsam, the Magic Salve, and the WormDestroyer,--the fi-i-ive remedies fer two dollars!"
When I come to, a little bit later on, the hall was just about empty,and Hairoil was pullin' me by the arm to git me to move. I looked'round fer Macie Sewell. She was gone, and so was the Doc and BillyTrowbridge and Rose and Up-State. Outside, right under my window, Iketched sight of a white dress a-goin' past. It was her. "Macie," Iwhispers to myself; "Macie Sewell."
That night, I couldn't sleep. I was upset kinda, and just crazy withthinkin' how I'd help her to win out. And I made up my mind t' this:If more votes come in fer Mollie Brown than they did fer the gal that_oughta_ have 'em, why, I'd just shove a gun under that Judge'snose and tell him to "count 'em over and _count 'em right._"'Cause, I figgered, no eatin'-house gal with a face like a flat-car wasa-goin' to be _e_lected the prettiest gal of Briggs. Not if _I_ seenmyself, _no,_ ma'am. 'Specially not whilst Sewell's little gal wasin the country. Anybody could pick _her_ fer the winner if they hadon blinders. "Cupid," I says, "you hump you'self!"
Next day, the Judge, he give consultin's in the eatin'-housesample-room. I went over and had a talk with him, tellin' him just how Iwanted that votin' contest to go. He said he wisht me luck, but that ifthe railroad boys felt they needed his medicine, he didn't believehe had no right to keep 'em from buyin'. And, a-course, when a fellermade a buy, he wanted t' vote like he pleased. Said the best thingwas t' git holt of folks that 'd met Miss Sewell and liked her, 'rwanted t' work fer her ole man, 'r 'd just as lief do _me_ a good turn.
I hunted up Billy. "Doc," I says, "I _hope_ Briggs ain't a-goin' toname that Brown waitress fer its best sample. Now----"
"Aw, wal," says Billy, "think how it 'd tickle her!"
"Tickle some other gal just as much," I says.
"And the _prettiest_ gal ought to be choosed. Now, it could befixed--_easy._"
"Who do you think it oughta be?" ast Billy.
"Strikes me you' wife's little sister is the pick."
"Cupid," says Billy, lookin' anxious like, "don't you git you'selftoo much inter_est_ed in Macie Sewell. You know how the ole man feelstowards you. And what can _I_ do? He ain't any too friendly with _me_yet? So be keerful."
"Now, Doc," I goes on, "don't you go to worryin' about me. Just youhelp by _prescribin' that medicine._"
"To folks that don't need none?" ast Billy. "Aw, I don't like to."(Billy's awful white, Billy is.) "It won't do 'em no good."
"Wal," I says, "it won't do 'em no _harm._"
Billy said he'd see.
; "You could let it out that somebody in town's been cured by thestuff," I suggests.
"Only make them railroad fellers buy more."
"That's so. Wal, I guess the best thing fer me to do is to hunt uppeople with a misery and tell 'em they'd better buy--and vote my way."
Billy throwed back his haid and haw-hawed.
"You're a _dickens_ of a feller!" he says. "When you want tohave you' own way, I never seen _any_-body that could think up moregol-darned things."
"And," I _con_tinues, "if that Root-ee just had a lot of forty-rodmixed in it, it 'd be easier'n all git out to talk fellers into takin'it. If they'd try _one_ bottle, they'd shore take _another._"
"Now, Cupid," says Billy, like he was goin' to scolt me.
"'R if ole man Baker 'd take the stuff and git his hearin' back."
"No show. Nothin' but sproutin' a new ear'd help Baker."
Next person I seen was that Doc Simpson. He was a-settin' onSilverstein's porch, teeterin' hisself in a chair. "Billy," Isays, "I'm goin' over to put that critter up to buyin'. He's gotmoney and he cain't do better'n spend it."
Wal, a-course, Simpson was turrible uppy when I first spoke to him. Saidhe didn't want nothin' t' say to me--not a _word_. (He had sev'ralrisin's on his face yet.)
"Wal, Doc," I says, "I know you think I didn't treat you square,_but_--has you city fellers any idear how mad you make us folks in thecountry when you go a-shootin' 'round in them gasoline rigs of yourn?Why, I think if you'll give this question some little study, you'llsee it has got two sides."
"Yas," says the Doc, "it _has_. But that ain't why you treated _me_like you did. No, I ain't green enough to think _that._"
"You ain't green at _all,_" I says. "And I'm shore sorry you feelthe way you do. 'Cause I hoped mebbe you'd fergit our little troubleand bury the hatchet--long as we're both workin' fer the same thing."
"What thing, I'd like t' know?"
"Why, gittin' Miss Macie Sewell elected the prettiest gal."
Fer a bit he didn't say nothin'. Then he made some _re_mark about agal's name bein' "handed 'round town," and that a votin' contestwas "vulgar."
Wal, he put it so slick that I didn't just git the hang of what he wasdrivin' at. Just the same, I felt he was layin' it on to me, somehow.And if I'd 'a' been _shore_ of it, I'd 'a' put some _more_ risin'son to his face.
Wisht now I had--on gen'ral principles. 'Cause, thinkin' back, I know_just_ what he done. If he didn't, why was him and that Root-ee Judgetalkin' t'gether so long at the door of Silverstein's Hall--talkin'like they was thick, and laughin', and ev'ry oncet in a whilelookin' over at me?
I drummed up a lot of votes that afternoon. Got holt of BuckshotMilliken, who wasn't feelin' more'n ordinary good. Ast him how hewas. He put his hand to his belt, screwed up his mug, and said he feltplumb et up inside.
"Buckshot," I says, "anybody else 'd give you that ole sickenin'story about it bein' the nose-paint you swallered last night. Reckonyou' wife's tole you that a'ready."
"That's what she has," growls Buckshot.
"Wal, _I_ knowed it! But is she _right?_ Now, _I_ think, Buckshot,--Ithink you've got the bliggers." (Made it up on the spot.)
"The bliggers!" he says, turrible scairt-like.
"That's what I think. But all you need is that Root-ee they sell overyonder."
He perked up. "Shore of it?" he ast.
"Buy a bottle and try. And leave off drinkin' anythin' else whilstyou're takin' the stuff, so's it can have a fair chanst. In a week,you'll be a new man."
"I'll do it," he says, makin' fer that prairie-schooner.
I calls after him: "And say, Buckshot, ev'ry two dollars you spendwith them people, you git the right to put in ten votes fer theprettiest gal. Now, most of us is votin' fer ole man Sewell's youngestdaughter." Then, like I was tryin' hard to recollect, "I _think_her name is Macie."
"All right, Cupid. So long."
Seen Sewell a little bit later. And braced right up to him. 'Cause fertwo reasons: First, I wanted _him_ t' do some buyin' fer his gal; then,I wanted t' find out if he didn't need another puncher out at the BarY. (Ketch on t' my little game?)
The ole man was pretty short, and wouldn't do a livin' lick aboutthem votes. Said _he_ knowed his gal, Mace, was the prettiest gal inOklahomaw, and it didn't need no passel of breeds 'r quacks to cut herout of the bunch of heifers and give her the brand.
Then, I says, "S'pose you ain't lookin' fer no extra punchers out atthe Bar Y? I'm thinkin' some of quittin' where I am." ('Twixt youand me and the gate-post, I knowed from Hairoil that the Sewell outfitwas shy two men--just when men was wanted _bad_.)
Fer a minute, Sewell didn't answer anothin'. (Stiff-necked, y'savvy,--see a feller dead first 'fore he'd give in a' inch.) Prettysoon, he looked up, kinda sheepish. "I _could_ use another puncher," hesays, "t' ride line. Forty suit y'?"
"Shore, boss. Be out the first. So long."
I was goin' to the Bar Y, where _she_ was! Wal, mebbe I wasn't happy!And mebbe I wasn't set worse'n ever on havin' the little gal win inthat contest! 'Fore night, I rounded up as many as five people that hada bony fido grunt comin', and was glad to hear the grand things DocTrowbridge said about Root-ee!
When the show started up in the hall after supper, and I slid in to takemy seat in the winda, a lot of people,--women and kids and men--kindaturned round towards me and whispered and grinned. "They know I'm ferMacie Sewell," I says to myself, "but that don't bother _me_ none."
That Blackfoot Injun (he was turned into To-Ko, the Human Snake) wasa-throwin' squaw-hitches with hisself. The Judge come to the edge ofthe platform and pointed over his shoulder to him. "Do you think hecould do that if he didn't rub his hinges with Pain Balm?" he says."Wal, he couldn't. Pain Balm makes a man as limber as a willa. Ladiesand gents, it's _won_derful what that remedy can do! It'll prolongyou' life, make you healthy, wealthy, happy, and wise. Here you getthe Blackfoot Injun Root-ee, the Pain Balm, the Cough Balsam, the MagicSalve, and the Worm Destroyer,--the fi-i-ive remedies fer two dollars!"
Say! it made my jaw plumb tired t' listen to him.
"Hairoil," I says to Johnson, "they got the names of the prettiestgals up on the blackboard, but where's the names of the homeliest men?"
Hairoil snickered a little. Then he pulled his face straight and saidthat, bein' as Monkey Mike 'd kicked up a turrible fuss about thevotes that was cast fer _him,_ why, the Judge had _de_cided to keepthe homeliest-man contest a secret.
Wal, _I_ didn't keer. Was only a-botherin' my, haid over the way theprettiest gal countin' 'd come out. I got holt of Dutchy, who 'd comein from his thirst-parlour to look on a minute. "Buyin', Dutchy?" Iast.
"Nix."
"But I reckon you need Root-ee, all the same. Do you ever feel kindafull and stuffy after meals?"
"Yaw."
"Now, don't that show! Dutchy, I'm sorry, but it's a cinch you gotthe bliggers!"
Wal, _he_ bit.
The station-agent was standin' right next me. "Cupid," he whispers,"I hear you got a candi-_date_ in fer the prettiest gal. What you sayabout runnin' as the homeliest man?"
"No," I answers, quick, "I don't hanker fer the honour. (That 'dhurt me with _her,_ y' savvy.) Then, I begun chinnin' with Sparks, thatowns the corral.
"Great stuff, that Root-ee," I says. "Reckon the redskins knowed aheap more about curin' than anybody's ever give 'em credit fer. Triedthe medicine yet, Sparks?"
Sparks said no, he didn't think he needed it.
"Wal, a man never knows," I goes on. "Now, mebbe, of a mornin', whenyou wake up, you feel tired and sorta stretchy; wisht you could justroll over and take another snooze."
"Bet I do!"
"That ain't right, Sparks." And I turned in and give him that bliggerstalk.
But he hung off till I tole him about the scheme of the railroadbunch. Seems that Sparks had a grudge agin the eatin'-house 'cause itwouldn't give him train-men's rates fer grub. So he fell right intoline.
Macie Sewell didn't come to the show that night, so
I didn't staylong. Over to the bunk-house, I got a piece of paper and some ink and(ain't ashamed of it, _neither,_) writ down her name. Under it, I putmine. Then, after crossin' out all the letters that was alike, andcountin' "Friendship, love, indiff'rence, hate, courtship, marriage,"it looked like this:
M[a][c][i][e] S[e]w[e][l][l] friendship, [A][l][e][c] [L][l]oyd marriage.
[Transcriber's note: letters in brackets were "crossed out"]
By jingo, I reckon it stood just about that way!
Next mornin', whilst I was standin' outside the post-office, shecome ridin' up! Say, all to oncet my heart got to goin' somethin'turrible--I was feard she'd hear it, no josh. My hands felt weak, too,so's I could hardly pull off my Stetson; and my ears got red; and mytongue thick, like the time I got offen the trail in Arizonaw and din'thave no water fer two 'r three days.
She seen me, and smiled, sorta bashful.
"Miss Sewell," I says, "can I ast fer you' mail? Then you won't haveto git down."
"Yas, thank y'."
When I give it to her, I got my sand back a little. "I hope," I says,"that you didn't mind my puttin' you' name up in that votin'contest. Did y'?"
"Why,--why, no."
"I'm awful glad. And I'm a-comin' out to the Bar Y the first to rideline."
"Are y'?" Them pink cheeks of hern got pinker'n ever, and when sheloped off, she smiled back at me!
Say! I never was so happy in all my life! I went to work gittin'votes fer her, feelin' like ev'rybody was my friend--even oleSkinflint Curry, that I'd had words with oncet. That railroad bunchwas a-workin', too, and a-talkin' up Mollie Brown. And I heerd thatthey planned to hole back a lot of votes till Macie Sewell's countwas all in, and then spring 'em to elect the other gal. That got meworried some.
About six o'clock, one of them fancy vests went 'round town, hollerin'it out that the show 'd give its last performance that night. "What'syou sweat?" I ast him. Nothin', he says, only the Judge reckoned aboutall the folks that intended to buy Root-ee had bought a'ready.
Wal, the show got a turrible big crowd--hall chuch full. And I tell y'things was livelier'n they was at the dawg fight. The Mollie Browncrowd was rushin' 'round and lookin' corkin' shore, and the punchersholdin' up people as they come in, and the Marvellous Murray's doin'anty-I-overs with theyselves plumb acrosst the stage.
All the time, the Judge was exercisin' that jaw of hisn. "Ladies andgents," he says, (banjo goin' ev'ry minute) "here's where you gitcured whilst you stand--like buffalo grass. Don't you be scairt thatyou'll buy me out--I got more down cellar in a teacup!"
Then _she_ come in, and I wouldn't 'a' pulled outen that place fer anew dollar. She looked so cool and pretty, that little haid up, anda wisp of hair blowin' agin her one cheek 'cause they was a breezefrom the windas. Simpson was with her. What did _I_ keer! She wasn'tnoticin' _him_ much. Wal, I just never looked anywheres else but ather. Aw, I hoped that pretty soon she'd look round at me!
She did!--straighter'n a string. And the hull room got as misty andfull of roarin' as if a Santa Fee ingine was in there, a-leakin'steam. I tried t' smile at her. But my face seemed hard, like a pieceof leather. I _couldn't_ smile.
Then, my eyes cleared. And I seen she was sad, like as if somethin' wasbotherin' her mind. "She thinks she's a-goin' t' git beat," I saysto myself. "But she _ain't._" And I reached down to see if my pop-gunwas all right.
She turned back towards the stage. The Murray woman 'd just finishedone of them songs of hern, and the Judge was talkin' again. "Ladiesand gents," he says, "we shall not drag out our pro_gram_ too long. Ferthe reason that I know just what you-all want to hear _most_. And thatis, the _re_sult of the contest."
That railroad gang begun t' holler.
Don't know why,--wasn't no reason fer it, but my heart went plumb downinto my boots. "Aw, little Macie!" I says to myself; "aw, littleMacie!" Say! I come mighty nigh prayin' over it!
"The count fer the prettiest gal," goes on the Judge, "is complete.Miss de Mille, kindly bring for'ard the watch. I shall have to ast somegent to escort the fortu_nate_ young lady to the platform." (I seen abrakeman start over to Mollie Brown.)
"I don't intend"--the Judge again--"to keep you in suspenders nolonger. And I reckon you'll all be glad to know" (here he give a bow)"that the winner is--Miss Macie Sewell."
Wal, us punchers let out a yell that plumb cracked the ceiling. "Wow!wow! _wow!_ Macie Sewell!" And we whistled, and kicked the floor, andbanged the benches, and whooped.
Doctor Bugs got to his feet, puttin' his stylish hat and gloves on hischair, and crookin' a' elbow. Wal, I reckon _this_ part wasn't vulgar!
Then, _she_ stood up, took holt of his arm, and stepped out into theaisle. She was smilin' a little, but kinda sober yet, I thought. Shewent towards the Judge slow, and up the steps. He helt out his hand."With the compliments of the company," he says. She took the watch.Then she turned.
Another cheer--a _whopper_.
She stood there, lookin' like a' angel, 'r a bird, 'r a littlebobbin' rose.
"Thank y', boys," she says; "thank y'."
If I'd 'a' knowed what was a-goin' to happen next, I'd 'a' slidout then. But, a-course, I didn't.
"My friends," says the Judge, "I will now read the vote for thehomeliest man. Monkey Mike received the large count of twenty. But itstands nineteen hunderd and sixty fer--Cupid Lloyd."
All of a suddent two 'r three fellers had holt of me. And they was a bigyell went up--"Cupid! Cupid! The homeliest man! Whee!" The next second,I was goin' for'ards, but shovin' back. I _hated_ to have her see memade a fool of. I seen red, I was so mad. I could 'a' kilt. But shewas lookin' at me, and I was as helpless as a little cat. I put downmy haid, and was just kinda dragged up the aisle and onto the platform.
She went down the steps to her seat then. But she didn't stop. She bentover, picked up her jacket, whispered somethin' to Rose and, with thatSimpson trailin', went to the back of the hall. There she stopped,kinda half turned, and waited.
I wisht fer a knot-hole that I could crawl through. I wisht a crack inthe floor 'd open and let me slip down, no matter if I tumbled into abarrel of _mo_lasses below in Silverstein's. I wisht I was dead, andI wisht the hull blamed bunch of punchers was--Wal, I felt something_turrible_.
"Cupid!" "You blamed fool!" "Look at him, boys!" "Take hispicture!" "Say! he's a beauty!" Then they hollered like they'dbust they sides, and stomped.
I laughed, a-course,--sickish, though.
The Judge, I reckon, felt kinda 'shamed of hisself. 'Cause I'd helpedto sell a heap of medicine, and he knowed it. "That's all right,Lloyd," he says; "they ain't no present fer you. You can vamose--backstairway."
"Whee-oop!" goes the boys.
I seen her start down then. Billy and his wife got up, too. So did thecrowd, still a-laughin' and a-hootin'.
I kinda backed a bit. When I reached the stairs, I went slower, feelin'my way. Minute and I come out onto Silverstein's hind porch. Nobody wasthere, so I went over to the edge and lent agin a' upright.
Right back of Silverstein's they's a line of hitchin'-posts. Twohosses was fastened there when I come, but it was so dark, and I feltso kinda bad, that I didn't notice the broncs par_tic_-ular. Till,'round the corner, towards 'em, come that Simpson. Next, walkin'slow and lookin' down--Macie.
But she got onto her hoss quick, and without no help. All the time,Bugsey was a-fussin' with his mustang. But the critter was nervous, andwasn't no easy job. Macie waited. She was nighest to me, and rightin line with the light from a winda. I could see her face plain. But Icouldn't tell how she was feelin',--put out, 'r quiet, 'r just kindatired.
Simpson got into the saddle then, his hoss rearin' and runnin'. Hecould steer a gasoline wagon, but he couldn't handle a cayuse. He turnedto holler: "Comin', Miss Sewell?"
She said she was, but she started awful slow, and kinda peered back, andup to the hall. At the same time, she must 'a' saw that they was a manon the back porch, 'cause she pulled in a little, lookin' hard.
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sp; I felt that rope a-drawin' me then. I couldn't 'a' kept myself fromgoin' to her. I started down. "Miss Macie!" I says; "Miss Macie!"
"Why,--why, Mister Lloyd!" She wheeled her hoss. "Is that you?"
I went acrosst the yard to where she was. "Yas,--it's me," I says.
She lent down towards me a little. "You been awful good to me," shesays. "_I_ know. It was _you_ got all them votes. Hairoil said so."
"Don't mention it."
"And--and"--I heerd her breath 'way deep, kinda like a sob--"you_ain't_ the homeliest man! you _ain't!_ Aw, it was _mean_ of 'em! Andit hurt----"
"No, it didn't--please, _I_ don't mind."
"It hurt--me."
That put the cheek of ten men into me. I Straightened up, and I liftedmy chin. "Why, Gawd _bless_ you, little gal!" I says. "It's all_right._"
Her one hand was a-restin' on the pommel. I reached up--only astay-chain could a' helt me back then--and took it into both of mine.Say! did you ever holt a little, flutterin' bird 'twixt you' two palms?
"Macie," I says, "Macie Sewell." And I pressed her hand agin my face.
She lent towards me again. It wasn't more'n a soft breath, and I couldhardly hear. But nobody but me and that little ole bronc of hern'll everknow what it was she said.