CHAPTER V
THE MUNICIPAPHONE
Armed with the Copperation Counsel's opinion authorising him to dowhatever he pleased next, the Hatter decided that he would give Alice ademonstration of the workings of the Municipaphone.
"YOU CAN TALK ALL YOU PLEASE"]
"Which," said he proudly, "I consider to be the most Democraticisingthing I have ever invented. You can talk all you please about UniversalBrotherhood, Unlimited Sisterhood, and the Infinity of Unclehood, butall of these movements put together haven't done as much to promote theequality of everybody as that Municipaphone idea of mine."
Alice thought the Cheshire Cat's grin expanded slightly as the Hatterspoke, but she was not sure, although he most assuredly did wink at her.
"I should admire to see it," she said. "What is it, just?"
"It is the result of the Municipal Ownership of the Telephone," returnedthe Hatter proudly. "We have taken over everything that works byelectricity--electric lighting, the telegraph, the telephone----"
"Even the thunder and lightning," interrupted the White Knight. "Andunder our management everything runs so smoothly that even thelightning doesn't strike any more. That's a great thing in MunicipalOwnership. There aren't any more strikes under it."
"What he says is true, my child," said the Hatter, "and in time weexpect to get the thunder itself under control so that it will servesome useful purpose--I don't know yet exactly what, but I am havingexperiments made in storage batteries which will catch and hold thethunder with the idea of saving the noise it makes for fire-crackers, orPresidential salutes, or other things and occasions where the fracturingof silence seems desirable. Surely if we can take electricity and undersuitable Municipal supervision make it serve as a substitute for atallow dip, why shouldn't we extract the reverberance with which it isfraught to add to the general clangour of joyous occasions?"
"No reason at all," said Alice. "I wonder no one has ever thought ofthat before. Just think of all the magnificent noises that go to wastein a thunderstorm."
"You will discover in time, my dear child, that only under the MunicipalOwnership of Brains such as we have here, can such great ideas be seizedfrom the infinity of nothingness and turned into an irresistiblepropaganda," said the Hatter loftily.
"He's the biggest gander of the bunch," whispered the March Hare.
"But it isn't what we are going to do, but what we have done that wepropose to show you," continued the Hatter, eyeing the March Harecoldly. "And as I have said, the Municipaphone is my crowningachievement. Just come here and I will show you."
The Hatter led Alice to a nearby lamp-post, and pointing to a little boxfastened to the middle of the pillar explained to her that that was theMunicipaphone.
"We have them in every room in every house in the City, on all thelamp-posts, hydrants, telegraph poles, in fact everywhere where there isa chance or room enough to hang one," the Hatter explained.
"It's just like a telephone, isn't it?" said Alice. "Only it looks likea hat instead of a funnel."
"Exactly," said the Hatter, "but we don't call it a telephone any more.The word telephone struck me as being a misnomer. You don't tell the'phone anything when you talk into it. You tell the person at the otherend of the line, and so, I changed its name to the Municipaphone, whichshows that it's a 'phone that belongs to the City. Just to sort ofmoralise the thing I had the mouth-piece changed to look like a hatinstead of a funnel, because funnels are apt to suggest alcoholicbeverages and sometimes people who aren't at all thirsty are made so bythe mere power of suggestion. The hat, however, has always commendeditself to our greatest statesmen as a vehicle best suited for thetransmission of ideas, and I therefore adopted it.
"It is very pretty," commented Alice. "Only I think a few ribbons wouldimprove it a little."
"Possibly," said the Hatter. "We haven't had time yet to look after themillinery aspect of the situation, but we'll take that up at our nextCabinet meeting. I thank you for the suggestion. But you see how thething works. This little book here has a list of the names of everybodyin town with their Municipaphone numbers attached. The lowly as well asthe highly, from the newsboy up to the Bridge Whist set, are allrepresented here, so that all are connected in one way or another witheach other. There is no man, woman, or child so poor and humble ofbirth, that he or she cannot get into immediate relations with thehaughty and proud. Everybody is on speaking terms with everybody else,and we have thereby reached socially a condition wherein all men thoughnot related are nevertheless connected. You frequently hear a wash-ladyremark that while she has not met Mrs. Van Varick Van Astorbilt or Mrs.Willieboy de Crudoil personally, they are nevertheless connections ofhers if not by blood or marriage at least by wire, which is strongerthan either. Some day instead of having Societies of the Cincinnati, andSons and Daughters of the Revolution I hope to see associations ofBrothers and Sisters of the Municipaphone which shall become a factor ofoverwhelming solidarity in all social and political affairs.
"It's a splendid scheme," said Alice.
"It is a tie of material strength which binds together our first andlast families, increasing the pride of the latter, and diminishing thatof the former until we have at last reached an average ofself-satisfaction which knows no barriers of class distinction," saidthe Hatter. "But it wouldn't have worked if we hadn't formulated strictrules by which every household in town is governed. One of our rules isthat the person called upon must answer immediately and truthfully anyquestion which the person at the other end asks, and of course inperfectly polite language. For instance, suppose you try it yourself.Just ring up Number 83115, Bloomingdale, and ask for Mrs. S. VanLivingston Smythe. She's the biggest swell in town. Ask her anythingthat comes into your head, and you'll see how it works. Tell her you areMrs. O'Flaherty, the Head Wash-Lady of the Municipal Laundry."
Alice took her place at the Municipaphone and called 83115 Bloomingdale,as instructed.
"Hello!" she said.
"Hush! Don't say that--say Ah there!" interrupted the Hatter. "Hellocomes under the head of profanity, which is against the law."
"Excuse me," said Alice. "Ah there!" she added. "Give me 83115Bloomingdale, please, Central."
"Name, please," said Central.
"Bridget O'Flaherty," replied Alice.
"Address?" asked Central.
"Tub 37, Municipal Laundry," said Alice.
"Occupation?" continued the other.
"Wringer," laughed Alice.
"All right, there you are," said Central, making the desired connection.
"Is this Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe?" asked Alice.
"Yes," said a sweet voice from the other end of the line. "What is it?"
"I am Bridget O'Flaherty," said Alice, "of the Municipal Laundry, and Iwanted to ask was your grandfather ever a monkey?"
It was not a very polite question, but under the excitement of themoment Alice could think of nothing better to ask.
"I don't believe so, Mrs. O'Flaherty," came the sweet voice in answer."I have looked over every branch of our family tree and there isn't acocoanut on it. Why, are you looking for a missing grandfather of yourown?"
"No," smiled Alice, "but I've read all the books in the public libraryand I thought he might have a tail to tell that I would find amusing."
"Well, I'm very sorry," said the sweet voice. "Grandfather died fortyyears ago, so I don't believe he can help you. I would advise you to goup to the Monkeyhouse and ask one of your own brothers. Good-bye."
"Good-bye," said Alice.
"Well?" asked the Hatter with a grin. "What do you think of it?"
"Why--it's perfectly wonderful," said Alice. "If that were to happen inNew York or even in Brooklyn or Binghamton Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythewould have been very indignant, not only over the question, but for themere fact that the--er--wash-lady dared ring her up at all."
"Exactly," said the Hatter, with a bland smile of satisfaction. "ThisMunicipaphone controlled by strict rules which people must obey i
s agreat social leveller."
"But why did Central want my name and address?" asked Alice.
"Because Central has to keep a record of all that everybody says for theInspector of Personal Communications," explained the Hatter. "Every wordyou and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded at the Central Office, and ifeither of you had used any expression stronger than Fudge, or O Tutt youwould have been fined five dollars for each expression and repetitionthereof. We expect to establish Civic Control of Public and PrivateSpeech within the next year, and we have begun it with supervision ofthe Municipaphone."
"But," cried Alice, "If I had said something that required a fine,wouldn't Mrs. O'Flaherty, who is innocent, have had to pay?"
"FINED FIVE DOLLARS"]
"Yes," said the Hatter. "But in all cases where the public welfare isconcerned, private interests must yield however great the hardship. Thatis one of the fundamental principles of Municipal Ownership. Mrs.O'Flaherty would have to suffer in order that the great principleinvolved in Polite Speech for all Classes might prevail. The strictenforcement of our anti-Gosh legislation has resulted almost in thecomplete elimination of profane speech in Blunderland--so much so infact that in the new Dictionary we are compiling such words as Golramit,Dodgastit, and Goshallhemlocks are being left out altogether."
"THE DICTIONARY WE ARE COMPILING"]
"It is a great moral agency," said the White Knight. "It increases theself-respect of the submerged, curbs the pride of the rich, and holds incomplete subjection those evil communications which corrupt goodmanners."
"And nothing but the result of Municipal Ownership," put in the MarchHare enthusiastically, forgetting his grouch for a moment.
"It has other advantages, too," said the Hatter, "to which I feel Ishould call your attention. These phones being in every room in townwith which anybody may be connected at any moment and thus overhear whatother people are saying, gossip is gradually dying out, and peopleeverywhere are more careful of what they say even in private, fornowadays the walls literally have ears. To give you an example, I willconnect you at once with the home of the Duchess whom you met, if youremember, in your journey through Wonderland and you may judge foryourself of how useful this Municipaphone is to us in ascertaining thegeneral trend of public opinion."
"ALICE TRANSFIXED AT THE PHONE"]
The Hatter gave the order to Central and in a minute Alice stoodtransfixed at the phone listening intently. She recognised the voice ofthe Duchess immediately.
"THE BIGGEST JACKASS FROM DAN TO BEERSHEBA"]
"As for that old fool of a Hatter," she was saying, "he is the biggestjackass from Dan to Beersheba."
"Well?" said the Hatter. "Can you hear her?"
"Yes," giggled Alice. "Very plainly."
"What does she say?" asked the Hatter, simpering.
"Why," said Alice reddening, "she--she's talking about you."
"The dear Duchess," ejaculated the Hatter, with a foolish smirk. "I'mvery much afraid--ahem--that the Duchess has her eye on me."
"She has," said Alice. "She is referring to you in the warmesttones--she thinks you're big--great--the very greatest from Dan toBeersheba."
"Ah me!" sighed the Hatter. "If I were only a younger man!"
"They'll make a match of it yet," said the White Knight in a softwhisper to Alice.
"Yes," sneered the March Hare, who had overheard, jealously, "and a fineold sulphur-headed lucifer of a match it will be too.
"Well, it's all very nice," said Alice, very anxious to change thesubject. "But I can't say that I'm sure I'd like it. Why, you can't haveany secrets from anybody."
"And why should you wish to, my dear child?" asked the Hatter, comingout of his dream of romance. "Why not so order your life that you haveno need for secrecy?"
"Yes," said Alice. "I suppose that is better, but then, Mr. Hatter,isn't there to be any more private life?"
"Not under Municipal Ownership," said the Hatter. "Carried to itslogical conclusion that with all other so-called private rights will bemerged in the glorious culmination of a complete well rounded MunicipalLife. It is toward that Grand Civic Eventuation that I and my associatesin this noble movement are constantly striving."
"Are you going to have Municipal Control of Marriage?" asked Alice,slyly.
The Hatter blushed and smiled foolishly. "I--ah--am thinking aboutthat," he said with a funny little laugh. "It would be a most excellentthing to do, for in my opinion a great many people nowadays get marriedtoo thoughtlessly. Just because they happen to love each other they gooff and get married, but under Municipal Control it would be much moredifficult for a man or a woman to take so serious a step. For instance,if I had my way the Common Council would have to be asked for permissionfor a man to marry. The question would come up in the form of a bill,which would immediately be referred to the Committee on Matrimony, whowould discuss it very thoroughly before bringing it before the Council.If a majority of the Committee considered that the application should begranted, then the matter should be placed before the whole Council, bywhich it should be debated in open public sessions, the applicant havingbeen invited to appear and under cross-examination by the DistrictAttorney demonstrate his fitness to be married. All others knowing anyreason why he should not be married should also have the opportunity toappear and state their reasons for opposing the granting of theapplication. I am inclined to believe that this would put a stop tothese hasty marriages which have given rise to that beautiful proverb,Married in Camden, Repent at South Dakota."
"I should think it would," said Alice. "And when do you propose to startthis plan along?"
"Well, you see," said the Hatter with a giggle, "before I take finalsteps in the matter I wish to have a few words with--er--well--you knowwho--I----"
"The Duchess," Alice ventured.
"Ah, you precocious child!" cried the Hatter, tapping Alice on theshoulder coyly. "You must not believe all you overhear the Duchess sayabout me. She is so prejudiced, and blind to my faults. I--I'm almostsorry I connected you with her over the Municipaphone."