CHAPTER VII
OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN
"What time is it?" asked the Hatter, suddenly turning to the WhiteKnight.
"Six o'clock," replied the White Knight, looking at his watch.
"Mercy!" cried Alice. "I had no idea it was so late! I shall have to runalong home--it's supper time."
The Hatter laughed.
"O, as for that," he said, "there's no hurry. Under our present systemof Municipal Ownership of Everything, I can issue, as Mayor, a generalorder postponing the Municipal Supper Hour to seven or eight o clock.Still--if you'd prefer to go home----"
"I don't want to," said Alice courteously, "but I think I'd better. Mymother would be worried not finding me in the nursery. You see, I lefthome without telling anybody where I was going."
Again the Hatter laughed.
"What foolishness!" he ejaculated. "That's the great trouble with theprivate ownership of children. It worries their poor mothers, keeps 'emfrom their daily Bridge parties, interferes with that freedom of actionwhich is guaranteed to the individual by the contravention of the UnitedStates----"
"Constitution, I guess you mean," suggested Alice.
"It used to be the Constitution," returned the Hatter, "but now it's theContravention. It has been contravened so often in the past few yearsthat our Reformed Language Commission at Washington has named itaccordingly."
"It simply bears out what you said in your message approving the PublicOwnership of Children Act passed by the Common Council last November,which I wrote for you, and consequently consider a very able document,"said the White Knight.
"The Public Ownership of Children?" cried Alice, with a look of alarm onher face.
"Yes," said the Hatter. "Just as the Nation has gone in for paternalism,we here in Blunderland have gone in for maternalism. The children herebelong to the city----"
"But--" Alice began.
"Now, don't bother," said the Hatter kindly. "It works very well. It hasreduced children to a state of scientific control which is as carefuland as effective as that of the street cleaning department or the publicparks, and it has emancipated the mothers as well as materiallydecreased the financial obligations of the fathers."
Alice's lip quivered slightly, and she began to feel a little bit afraidof the Hatter.
"I want to go home," she whimpered.
"Certainly--as you wish," said the Hatter. "We'll take you there atonce. Come along."
Reassured by the Hatter's kindly manner Alice took her companion'soutstretched hand and they walked along the highway together until theycame to a handsome apartment house fronting upon a beautiful park, wherethe Hatter pressed an electric button at one side of the massiveentrance. The response to the bell was immediate, and Alice was pleasedto find that the person to answer was none other than the Duchessherself.
"Why, how-di-doo," said the Duchess affably. "Glad to see you again,Miss Alice."
"Thank you," said Alice. "It is very nice to be here. Do you live inthis beautiful building?"
"Yes," said the Duchess. "You see, I've just been appointedCommissioner of Maternity. I'm what you might call the official motherof the town. Since that great Statesman, the Hatter"--here the Duchesswinked graciously at the March Hare--"devised his crowning achievementin the Municipal Control of the Children and appointed me to be the Headof the Department, I have been stationed here."
"And a mighty good old mother she is!" ejaculated the Hatter withfervour.
"Palaverer!" said the Duchess coyly.
"Not at all," said the Hatter. "I speak not as a man, but as a Mayor,and what I say is to be construed as an official tribute to a faithfuland deserving public servant."
"Servant, sir?" repeated the Duchess haughtily.
"In the American sense," said the Hatter with a low bow. "In the sensethat the servant is as good as, if not better than the employer,Madam."
"That man's a perfect Dipsomaniac," said the March Hare.
"Diplomat, man--diplomat," corrected the White Knight. "A dipsomaniac isa very different thing from a Diplomat. Consuls may be dipsomaniacs, buta Diplomat is a man worthy of Ambassadorial honours.
"Oh--I see," said the March Hare. "Well--he's a Diplomat all right, allright."
"How are things going to-day, Duchess?" asked the Hatter. "Childrenhappy?"
"They will be in time," said the Duchess. "So many of them have beenbrought up so far on the _Ladies' Home Journal_ system that it is hardto introduce the new Blunderland method without friction."
"I was afraid of that," said the Hatter. "How does the compulsorysoda-water regulation work?"
"Splendidly," said the Duchess. "Since I started in in January to makethe children drink five glasses of Vanilla Cream soda every day as amatter of routine and duty, sixty per cent. of them have come to hateit. I think that by the end of the year we shall have stamped out thelove of soda almost entirely. The same way with caramels and othercandies in place of beef. We have caramels for breakfast, gum-drops fordinner and marshmallows for tea, regularly, and last night seventeen ofthe children presented a petition asking for beefsteak, mutton chops andboiled rice. I have a firm conviction that when the new law, requiringbeef to be sold at candy stores, and compelling those in charge of theyoung to teach them that boiled rice and hominy are bad for the teeth,goes into effect, we shall find the children clamouring for wholesomefood as eagerly as they do now for things that ruin their littletummies."
"It's a splendid system--and how are you meeting the matinee problem?"asked the March Hare.
"WHEN THEY THINK NOBODY'S LOOKING"]
"Same way," said the Duchess. "Every Wednesday and Saturday afternoon wemake 'em go to a matinee, rain or shine, whether they want to or not,and really it's pathetic to see how some of the little dears pine for ahalf-holiday with a hoople, and since I forbade the youngsters to evenlook at the back of a geography or a spelling book, it is most amusingto see how they sneak into the library and devour the contents of thosetwo books when they think nobody's looking. I caught one of the boysreading an Arithmetic in bed last night, wholly neglecting his JackHarkaway books that I had commanded him to read, and leaving his 'Bim,the Broncho Buster of Buffalo,' absolutely uncut.
"Fine!" chuckled the Hatter. "And now, my dear Duchess, will you obligeme by taking charge of Miss Alice? She has expressed a desire to gohome and so I have brought her here."
"Certainly," said the Duchess. "I'll look after her."
"You'll excuse us, Alice," said the Hatter, politely. "We'd escort youfurther ourselves, but a question has come before the MunicipalOwnership Caucus that we must settle before the meeting of the CommonCouncil to-night. Certain of our members claim that they have a rightto sell their votes for $500 apiece----"
"Mercy!" cried Alice. "Why, that is--that is terrible."
"It certainly is," said the March Hare ruefully. "It's more thanterrible, it's rotten. Here I've been holding out for $1,250 for mine,and these duffers want to go in for a cut rate that will absolutely ruinthe business."
"It's a very important matter," said the Hatter. "After all our strivingto elevate the people we don't want them to make themselves too cheap.For my part I don't think they should let go of a vote on any questionfor less than $2,500."
"That's all right, Mr. Mayor," said the White Knight. "But you don'twant to frighten capital, you know."
"Well, you and I disagree on that point," said the Mayor. "Capital isn'tat all necessary to the success of our schemes. My watchword is Bonds,and as long as I have a printing press to print 'em, and a fountain pento sign 'em I'm not going to be influenced one way or another by afeeling of subserviency to the capitalist class. Good night, Miss Alice.Glad to have met you and I hope you will have a pleasant time with theDuchess. Here," he added, taking a beautifully printed green and goldpaper from his pocket, "here is a Blanket Mortgage 18% DeferredDebenture Bond on the Main Street Ferry of a par value of $100,000payable in 3457, as a souvenir of your visit."
"A hundred thousand dollars," c
ried Alice. "For me?"
"No," corrected the Hatter. "A hundred thousand dollar bond. You don'tget the money until 3457, and not then unless you present it in personto the City Treasurer."
With which munificent gift the Hatter respectfully bowed himself awayand made on, followed by the March Hare.
"IF YOU GET INTO TROUBLE, USE THIS"]
"Good-bye, Alice," said the White Knight sympathetically; and thenthrusting a paper in her hand, he leaned forward and whispered into thelittle girl's ear, "If you get into trouble, use this."
"Thank you," said Alice. "What is it?"
"It's a temporary injunction issued by the Chief Justice restraininganybody from interfering with you," said the White Knight. "You may needit."
And the kindly old knight ran madly off up the street after the Mayorand the March Hare, and shortly disappeared around the corner.
"Now, my little dear," said the Duchess, "we'll take you home."
Seizing Alice by the hand the Duchess led the little traveller into theMunicipal Nursery. Entering the elevator, they went up and up and up andup until Alice thought they would never stop. Finally on the 117th floorthe elevator stopped. Alice and the Duchess alighted and entered a funnylittle flat, singularly enough labelled with Alice's own name.
"This is it," said the Duchess. "There is your bedroom, here is yourparlour, and that is the bath-room. The apartment has runningsoda-water, hot and cold; you will find a refrigerator stocked withpeanut brittle, molasses candy, and sugared fruits in the pantry. Yourreading will consist of Lucy the Lace Vendor, or How the LaundressBecame a Lady; the works of Marie Corelli; Factory Fanny, the Forger'sDaughter, and any other unwholesome book you may want from the House ofCorrection Library. Playtime will begin at seven every morning and youwill be compelled to dress and undress dolls until one, when yourcaramel will be given to you, after which you will skip the rope andread fairy stories until six. You must drink five glasses of soda-waterevery day and will not be allowed to go to bed before eleven o'clock atnight. Hurry now, and get your hair mussed and your hands dirty fordinner. The first course of whipped cream and roasted chestnuts will beserved promptly at six-thirty."
"But," cried Alice, "I don't want to stay here--I want to go home."
"You are home," said the Duchess. "This is the Municipal Home of theChildren of Blunderland."
"But I want my father and mother," whimpered Alice.
"The City is your father, my child, and I am officially your mother,"said the Duchess.
"You are not!" cried Alice. "You are trying to kidnap me!--I'll--I'llcall the police."
"The police can't arrest a city, my dear child, and as for me, as theCommissioner of Maternity I am immune from arrest," laughed the Duchess.
"Well, I just won't stay, that's all," cried Alice, stamping her footangrily. "I don't want a city for a father, and I shan't have an officialmother in place of a real one."
"SEIZING HER BY THE ARM"]
The child ran toward the door, but the Duchess was too quick for her,seizing her by the arm.
"Let me go!" shrieked Alice.
"Never," snapped the Duchess.
And then the little girl thought of the piece of paper the White Knighthad given her.
"I guess that will make you change your mind," she said, handing theinjunction to her captor.
The Duchess read it carefully; her face paled, and she too stamped herfoot.
"I'll see about this, she roared angrily, and in a moment she had gone,slamming the door so hard behind her that the building fairly shook. Amoment later Alice followed, and in a short time was bounding down thestairway as fast as her little legs would carry her toward freedom, whenall of a sudden she tripped and began to fall--down, down, down--O,would she never stop! And then, bump! Her fall was over, and strange torelate the little maid found herself sitting on the floor back in herown nursery in her own real home, with her mother bending over her.
"Dear me, Alice," said her mother. "I hope you haven't hurt yourself."
"WHY-HAVE I--I REALLY FALLEN?"]
"No," said Alice. "Why--have I--I really fallen?"
"You most certainly have--off the sofa," laughed her mother. "Where haveyou been?" she added. "In Wonderland again?"
"No," said Alice. "In Blunderland--this time."
Which struck her father, when he heard the story of her adventureslater, as a very apt and descriptive title for the M. O. Country.
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