Past
I had been tense all day, but I promised to help Christian with the food preparation for his party. I hadn't seen Oliver since Thursday. After our steamy conversation in his room I couldn't stop thinking about him.
Christian wasn't too happy with me. He’d asked me to wait for him that night, and when he came home I wasn't there. We didn't talk about this. Luckily, he was too busy worrying about his upcoming match.
“I’ve got a big surprise for you, Indi. You will love it,” he said, kissing my neck when we were finally alone. I smiled lightly, wondering if I had the guts to tell him that we were finished. His temper was easily inflamed, so I didn't know what to expect tomorrow when Oliver and I planned to tell him. I wished that I could tell him now and get this over with, but Oliver wasn't there, and I promised him that we would talk to Christian together.
“Maybe you shouldn't organise anything for the party, a lot of people will be here and you should be playing a good host instead of worrying about surprising me,” I replied.
He stood in his living room staring at like me he could see what was coming. “You are so beautiful, and tonight you’ll be the happiest girl on this planet,” he said tucking my hair behind my ear. There was something in his eyes that petrified me and I was suddenly scared shitless of what was about to happen.
Present
Now I know that Christian already knew that I didn't love him then. His plan was simple, and I fell for it without hesitation, thinking that he deserved to know the truth.
The next few days pass without surprises. Russell keeps coming up to me trying to talk me into going out with him, but I can't concentrate on anything else apart from the upcoming race. Tomorrow is going to be freezing cold, but the competition is going through. Every year students compete against each other no matter how bad the weather is. I have been training harder in the past few weeks. I did a few rounds in shells, trying to familiarise myself with the river, but it's not the same when I'm alone. There is no pressure or expectations.
“Are you nervous?” Dora asks for the fourth time in less than thirteen hours before the race. So far I'm doing everything that I can to forget that I have a very important day ahead of me, but Dora just keeps asking questions, reminding me.
“No, Dora, I'm not. How many times do you I have to tell you this?”
She folds her arms together, dipping her hand into my popcorn. “You have to beat that bitch Mackenzie.”
I roll my eyes, knowing that deep down I want to win with Mackenzie, after all we will be competing against each other. She has been training equally hard and she is really focused. This race will be tough, but that doesn't mean that I can’t show her that I deserve to be treated with respect.
“Stop going on about this and let me relax. You promised not to talk about it.”
“I know, but it's hard!” she says. “By the way, Russell and Oliver will be there, and they will cheer for you. People have been talking. You have more supporters than you expect.”
“I doubt that.” I sigh. “Besides, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not interested in either Oliver or Russell. They can both go to hell.”
“Oliver cares about you, I can tell, but I guess it’s hard for him to forget that you were such a bitch to him.”
We have been through this over and over again, but Dora still thinks that somehow Oliver and I will put aside our differences and become friends, and then we will magically fall in love with each other.
“Do you think that I would just forget how he treated me since I’ve been here? Do you think that I could be with him after all those cruel pranks?”
“If he can forgive you for the drama in high school, then you can. After all, everyone deserves a second chance.”
Dora’s head is in the clouds. She lives in that perfect world where everyone lives happily ever after.
I go to bed later that night, knowing that I might still be in love with Oliver, but there is nothing left to fight for. We are both are done with each other.
Next day, I'm up at seven in the morning feeling sick. It's just nerves, I tell myself. Mum knows about the competition, so when I check my phone there is a text message from her wishing me a good luck. I make scrambled eggs, but I can barely swallow anything. My stomach growls and I start doubting my potential when I look out the window.
The weather is rough and the temperature is low, but the whole school will gather to watch. Braxton is known for its rowing, and if I do well here I could compete on a national level in April.
Dora gets up just after eight and complains about the early start before she settles with a cup of coffee. Jacob shows up in our apartment a few minutes later. When he shows me a banner with my name, I hug him. His support means a lot to me.
“I placed a bet on you, so now you have to win.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I say.
“No problem,” he says. “I know that you're going to win anyway. I don't need to bet to know that.”
“I'll try my best. This race is important to me.”
Then he adds, “Oliver will be watching you.”
My breath catches, but then I remember that I'm doing this for myself. And maybe it’s a way to fix what's broken. Oliver might never forgive me, but he might start respect me.
We leave the house around nine. By the time we reach the river I'm so nervous that I can't feel my legs. I have been training hard and I know that I can do this. A few people wish me good luck on my way to the shells, people that I have never spoken to before. Maybe Dora is right. People are eager to see me out there.
As we approach the river, everything becomes hazy. I see the crowds of people, way more than I expected. The first group of girls to go is already in the shells. Their race will start shortly.
I spot Mackenzie, and her face is fully healed. She doesn't make eye contact, and she looks focused. It's a bad sign, but I tell myself that I'm here for me, not her. She is just part of the race.
Twenty minutes later, the crowd gets excited and cheers as two girls start racing. I spot Oliver in the front row. He is standing beside Jacob and Dora. On his right side is the girl that he kissed in front of me at Dora’s birthday. She has her arms wrapped around his waist, looking all loved up. A wave of jealousy makes it's way to my heart, reminding me that the feelings I had for him are still there, raw and real. Nothing is going to change that.
But he looks like he already forgot about Mackenzie. I don't get why Oliver is here. Probably just to distract me, drilling my reputation down to the ground. He doesn't like rowing, nor he does he like me. Maybe this is his way to show me that he doesn't even care if I win today or lose.
It's stopped raining now, but my teeth chatter as the adrenaline whisks through my body, crawling under my skin. I pace up and down, thinking positive, going through my strategy as I planned earlier. Within minutes, two girls are finished, the first race is over, and I'm next. Everything moves so quickly. I feel like I was at home five minutes ago, and in a few seconds the fire gun will go off again.
“Just chill, India,” my coach says with a friendly pat on the back. “You worked hard; now you just have to give it everything you’ve got.”
“Okay, ladies, take your positions,” says the official in charge as soon as everything is set. I stare blankly, wondering where the time has gone. Within moments I'll be out there, racing away the frustration.
I take a few deep breaths, embracing the atmosphere. This is why I came to Braxton: to enjoy myself and to compete. I tell myself Oliver isn't here. This race is all about me, and only me.
Mackenzie gives me a dirty look when I get into my shell, but I ignore her. She is trying to distract me. Some people are already cheering for her.
My heart is thumping fast. I block off the voices and concentrate. Then I look at Jacob’s banner and I get a warm feeling inside my belly.
It's not long before the organiser fires the shot, and I start moving through t
he water smoothly. All the tension is gone. Now it's all about the speed and strength of my body. Oars hitting the water with excellent precision, I balance my breaths and row through.
For the first few hundred meters we are head-to-head. Mackenzie doesn't have time to look at me. I work my muscles, rowing fast but steady through the grey river. A few brave students run with us. They are cheering for Mackenzie. I try to stay close to her, keeping an even but competitive speed until we reach the town centre and the bridge. She is slightly ahead of me now, but it doesn't matter. I'm saving my strength for the end. There are more people watching us from the banks in town, also cheering for both of us.
Within minutes my T-shirt sticks to my back and my arms start to ache. My pace is good, but I slowly move ahead of her, fearing that if I let her get away I might lose. I lick my lips, breathing through my teeth. It's a short and fast race, and soon enough we both have around five hundred meters to go—and this time I'm ahead. The pain fires in my arms, my skin is numb from the cold, and my mouth is dry. I hold the oars tighter.
Every stroke feels like it's the last one I can make. My heart pumps more blood, my pulse is racing. I hear people standing on the outside. I hear my name being called, and I know that I must carry on to win. There is still so much more needed, and I know that I have to give it, to show everyone that I can fight back. Nothing seems impossible when I reach the last two hundred meters ahead of Mackenzie. My muscles are burning, as pain surges through my whole body. Every movement feels like hell. My arms are smoldering and I feel like every breath is my last one. Two hundred meters in and I'm moving quicker and smoother, detaching my pulsing body from my mind. The line is coming closer and closer, the crowd is cheering, and I just have to find that last bit of strength within me.
Sweat covers my eyes, and my grip loosens as we approach the final bend. I'm so far ahead, the happiness embraces me, and my heart is pounding with abnormal speed. Dark, heavy clouds hang overhead, but in this final moment I can enjoy what’s coming. Looking ahead, I see people standing on the banks, cheering and screaming for me.
Then, out of the blue, time goes still, and even if I continue to row, my shell loses speed. On my right I see a man. He is waiting for me at the finish line. Terror jets through my veins and everything starts moving in a very slow motion. I'm being pulled down by a demon who rose from hell to haunt me, to end what he started. The oxygen can’t get through to my lungs, and my shell is being pulled down into the water.
I blink rapidly, seeing Christian on the other side of the river, waving. My stomach cramps with intense fear as I try to make out if that’s really him. Little darts of terror pulse through my system. I don't hear the voices of other people anymore. Now it's only me trying to pull out of that mirage of seeing him alive.
Even if I try to work my body, the darkness is closing on me, sucking me in. The tiny voice in my head tells me that it's just a hallucination, but he seems so real.
At that final moment I know he is there. Distracted by the image of my dead ex-boyfriend, my oar gets in the way and I yank it too much to the right, which turns my shell out. I dive deep into the water, his creepy laugh ringing in my mind.
Panic strikes as the shell pulls me down. Fear clenches my throat, suffocating me. I hold my breath, but I'm being pulled under the surface trying to wiggle my legs, but yet another secret comes out. No one ever taught me how to swim and I never had a chance to learn. I try to reach for the shell or the oar, but I’m blinded by the fear and panic and go down fast. It's not long before I let Christian take me. The water gets to my lungs, my heartbeat slows down, and my whole life flashes in front of my eyes. No one apart from my mum knows that I can't swim, so no one expects me to drown.
Is this how I'm going to die, right in front of everyone who came to cheer for me? I sink down, my legs and hands making feeble attempts. I can't hold my breath any longer; my head feels like it’s about to explode.
I drift into darkness.
Then I hear voices and I feel like someone is pulling me. The freezing cold air hits my lungs and I take a gulp of oxygen. My mind is fuzzy. Someone is touching me. I start coughing, spitting out the water. A lot of people are talking at the same time.
“Why did she take rowing if she couldn't swim?”
“I don't know, sir. We didn't know.”
“Krakowsky, you should have asked. This was close, too close!”
“Good that Evans reacted.”
“India, oh my God, India!”
I open my eyes and see Dora, who is leaning over me, touching my face. She is white as chalk. Then I spot Russell without a shirt, wet and breathing heavily. He stands next to me looking like he was just dragged out of water. Medics and organizers are rushing over me.
“What's going on? What happened?” I ask, trying to sit up, but someone pushes me down.
“Don't get up; just stay there for now.”
“You made a wrong move, your shell rotated, and you fell,” says an older guy that I recognise as one of the organisers. “Why didn't you say that you couldn't swim? If it wasn't for Coleman here, you would have drowned.”
Someone puts a blanket over me, medics are pushing Dora away. All of a sudden my memory comes back. My race, the competition—and Christian. The colour drains from my face, my chest heaves.
“The race?” I ask.
The coach waves his hand in the air. “Mackenzie won, just before your shell rotated. You screwed up; it was too close to the finish.”
“Don't worry about the race, India, you're alive!” says Dora. I feel as if I'm either going to float away or pass out. I keep taking long deep breaths until the blackness in my vision goes away. I look at Russell, who is smiling. I’m unable to form any kind of explanation or even a thank you. My whole world has just crashed. I hear people shouting Mackenzie’s name, others are staring at me, probably trying to figure out went wrong.
“India, you're still here. No one understood what was going on. You were pulled down so quickly,” says Dora.
I swallow my tears and slowly get up, filled with emptiness. Everything that comes after this feels like a dream. I'm told that I have to go in the ambulance to get checked out at the school clinic. Jacob and Dora are with me, but I have to pass through the crowd of people. This wasn't supposed to go wrong. I was winning it. People are staring, some of them whispering between themselves. I already know what they’re all thinking. Yet again, I proved that I'm worthless.
After the check up, I'm told that I have to take it easy for the rest of the day.
Jacob brings his car and half an hour later I'm in our apartment sitting on the sofa, trying to feel something, but that hole in my stomach is still there. I didn't even have a chance to thank Russell. He saved my life. Dora and Jacob are with me. I'm staring out the window going through the race over and over.
Christian wasn't there. I just imagined the past and created him because I was afraid to win. I thought I had put my past aside, but today I was back at that party, back in the room with him. If I walk through the campus tomorrow, people will still remember me. I'm the girl that made a fool of herself and lost the race because she couldn't handle her shell. The girl that Oliver detests because of the past.
Dora sits next to me and hands me a cup of coffee. “Drink this, you’ll feel better.”
“Thanks,” I reply.
She doesn't need to say anything for a long moment.
“You might have lost the race, but you're alive, and that’s what matters right now. You can compete again,” she assures me, looking uncomfortable.
I laugh. “I doubt that they’ll let me. I can't swim.”
“Oh come on, of course they will. Besides, you can always learn.”
“Maybe,” I say. “This is funny, isn't it? Oliver didn't even have to do anything this time. I made a fool of myself without his help.”
Dora looks away. “I have to tell you something,” she says. “Oliver was the one that reacted
first. He wanted to jump in the water, but then Russell must have heard him shouting so he jumped in first.”
I turn my gaze to look at her. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, he wanted to dive in as soon as you went under water, like he knew straight away that you couldn't swim. He started shouting, he wanted someone to react.”
I can't comprehend what she is talking about. Oliver didn't know that I couldn't swim.
“But Russell was the one that pulled me out of the water?” I ask.
“Yeah, he was standing closer to the finish line. He didn't even hesitate.”
“Well, maybe Oliver thought if he let me die, he wouldn't have anyone else to pick on.” I laugh, trying to turn this into a joke.
Dora is quiet and it looks like she wants to say something else. It's strange because she normally can't keep her mouth shut. “Listen, there is more.”
“More?"
“Today, just before I joined Jacob by the river, I overheard them talking.”
“Them? Who is them?” I ask, feeling my stomach turn inside out. Dora is acting weird and I don't think that I want to hear the rest of this story. Maybe tomorrow, but today I’ve had enough.
“Oliver and Jacob, they were talking about you.”
My heart starts beating again, but I get up feeling a little dizzy. “Please, Dora, I don't want to hear anymore. I don't care that they were saying about me. Not today, not now.”
“Shut up, India, and listen to me. I know that you had a hell of a day, but you’ve got to hear me out. Jacob was right. Oliver is interested in you. Jacob pushed him. He wanted to know why Oliver was doing all these horrible things to you.”
“I know Oliver. He doesn't like talking about himself,” I whisper.
“He nearly punched Jacob again, but then he finally admitted. Oliver was in love with you. It was probably when you were going out with his brother.”
My head starts to spin. Dora has no idea what she is talking about. I feel nauseous even thinking about what she heard. We both loved each other once, but now it seems as if we were never meant to be together, that fate isn’t on our side. “Dora, listen, I think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. Oliver hates me.”
“He said that he doesn't love you anymore and that he will leave you alone. No more pranks, rumours, or any games. He doesn't care about the bet anymore,” she explains, looking lost. “Jacob was right all along: he couldn't have you so he decided to hurt you.”
I sit down, disappointment stabbing my heart. Her words are hurtful, but I should have expected that. He didn't want to forgive me, and he stopped loving me. I suppose it’s what I deserve for hurting him so much.
“He told Jacob that he is tired of these games. He doesn't want to be haunted by his past,” she continues. “You don't have to worry about him. He lost the bet.”
So Oliver cut me off. He won't carry on hurting me anymore because he is done with what happened after his brother died. The stupid part of it is that I prefer the pain and humiliation to what I'm going through right now. Losing him completely. Hot air rushes in and out of my chest and that hollow feeling comes back, embracing every part of my body.
Oliver will leave me alone, because he doesn't love me anymore. I should be happy and relieved, but deep down I feel like someone has died.
We are going to be further away from each other than we’ve ever been.
Chapter fifteen
Day After the Storm