excellent yacht steward or stewardess, but in how to be a superlative one. More generally, you will be absorbing the theoretical and practical skills essential to the art of serving.
“The fact that you are here, former teachers, former factory workers, former mortgage bankers - oh yes! - means that you have made an important discovery. You have come to the conclusion that the world is rapidly dividing between the haves and the have-nots, and that in order to survive you would be wise to throw in your lot with the winning side. That being the case, your challenge becomes ‘What do I have to offer these golden people? What can I do to make myself valuable, necessary, indispensable such that I have a future in their high wealth orbit and hence a relatively safe place in the vast unhinging scheme of things?’ You are to be applauded for your shrewd insight, for the truth is that there are more servants wanted and employed now than there were 200 years ago. Though little spoken of, it is one of the fastest growing employment sectors in the world. At a time of declining incomes, our graduates can expect between 2,000 and 4,000 euros per month in wages, with weekly tips averaging an additional 500 euros per week. And starting today, you will begin to acquire the means to join this elite, lucrative, and almost secret job market. Starting today you will begin to learn how to suck-up, how to pamper, how to please. How to shun ego in the pursuit of perfection. How to exceed in order to succeed. In short, from this moment forward, you will learn what it is to serve.”
“In closing I should like to emphasize that the training you receive over the next two weeks is fully transferable to service aboard a private jet as well as an excellent introduction to the more advanced professions of butling and/or estate housekeeping. Top graduates can expect our assistance in both immediate and repeat placement. Please keep in mind that we offer a complete range of continuing education opportunities to assist you in honing old skills and mastering new. I shall now turn you over to my esteemed colleague and instructional partner, Mr. Nicholson. Mr. Nicholson was for many years in service at one of our most prestigious royal households and upon retirement became a regular at the International Butler Academy and our own highly selective education bureau. In certain circles he is acclaimed as the maestro of majordomos, or as he himself more modestly puts it - a butler’s butler. I leave you in his very capable hands.”
With a curt nod, Mrs. Stevens surrendered the floor to a man of medium height and build attired in the traditional garb of the English butler, as seen in countless PBS costume dramas - swallowtail coat, contrasting vest, white gloves, the works. Something about his clipped mustache and speech suggested Alec Guinness in “The Bridge on the River Kwai.” He regarded them with an expression that might have been pity, or contempt, or nothing at all.
“Perfect, omnipotent, omniscient,” he said. “Invisible, infinitely capable, clairvoyant. The first is a definition of God. The second is a definition of the ideal servant. One could discourse endlessly on the comparisons and contrasts, but our time is limited so I shall refrain. Suffice it to say that we may not be gods, but we aim to inspire in our employers both awe and gratitude.”
“As we continue this morning to cover the basics of world class personal service, you may wonder why we are meeting here rather than in a classroom with a table and chairs. You may wonder why I continue to address you from a standing position and why you continue to stand before me more or less at attention. The answer is - we must begin as we intend to go on. On shipboard a good part of your life will consist of standing and waiting. When not standing and waiting, you will be cleaning, because a yacht steward or stewardess is in fact little more than a glorified but meticulously trained janitor. Additional duties will include food and beverage service, laundry and ironing, child and pet care, and flower arranging. But standing and waiting is first and foremost. Servants being a form of ostentation, many employers will expect you to dance attendance at all times, which oddly enough will often involve no motion whatsoever. You may be required to stand in the sun for hours, silent, unmoving, without sunglasses - because guests and employers must always be able to look you in the eye.” He stared at each of them in turn.
“And may we stand just anyhow? May we lean or shift or god forbid check our iPhones?” He directed that comment at a young person who had made the mistake of looking at hers. “No we may not. Phones are to be left below at all times. Better yet, do not own one. I do not. But to return to Lesson #1: The Stance. It is an adaptation of the military’s attention position. Back straight, head up, eyes down, feet together, hands clasped, repeat, hands clasped in front of you, left over right.” He surveyed them one by one. “So far, so good.”
“This session is about introducing concepts which will be covered in depth in the coming days. Foremost among them is what we call First Principles. Your employer is rich and you are a professional. Everything else follows. Privacy, security, and confidentiality are sacred. I need hardly mention that you may not blog, Facebook, or tweet any part of your existence in so far as it involves your employer. For the most part you are to be seen, but not heard, speaking for the most part only when spoken to. Never ask personal questions, never interrupt, never argue, do not divulge details of your life history, be polite to a fault, but if you seek success in private service you must always remember your place and that means you keep your distance and you do not engage.
“Personal hygiene, appearance, and attitude are a large part of your stock in trade. To the best of your ability you should be pleasing to the senses as well as functional. Hair for men must not brush the collar,” he said, looking at John, whose sun-streaked hair was grazing his shoulders, “and you must be and smell fresh at all times using toiletries that will be provided. You must gargle after so much as a mouthful of coffee. You must be clean-shaven - ladies, that includes armpits and legs unless your employer expresses an alternate preference.” Here, he let his eyes flicker over Jane’s gorgeous gams. “You must learn the etiquette of communications, including forms of address and cultural differences which may arise depending upon whether your superior is an American billionaire, a Russian oligarch, a Middle Eastern sheik, or a Chinese princeling. Last and not least in this list of generalities is the subject of abuse. Verbal, emotional, sexual.” Again his eyes strayed toward Jane.
“Being extremely wealthy, your employers will be extraordinarily powerful, privileged, and overly stressed individuals. Such people do not waste time upon niceties. While we strive to overwhelm them by providing for their every want and need before they themselves conceive of any lack, alas, appreciation is the exception rather than the norm. The norm is naked exploitation. Yachting for some reason seems particularly prone to this occupational hazard. It may have something to do with the fact that there are no - repeat no - labor protections for work on the high seas. Your meals, uniform, and lodging are provided - but you’ll rarely have time to eat, you may find the mandatory clothing indecent or in poor taste, and your rooms will be as cramped as anything depicted in a Victorian novel for the reason that giving you space would be taking it away from the owners and their guests. I should warn you to pray for sunny weather, as foul weather inevitably brings out the worst in them. The good news is we have a well-developed, thoroughly researched, and psychologist-approved set of techniques for handling employer dissatisfaction and inappropriate behavior, which we will explore with you in excruciating detail.”
At that point Mr. Nicholson drew an old fashioned watch from his vest pocket and consulted it with a frown. “I appear to have run overtime by a full minute, so we will have to forego questions this session. It is getting on for lunchtime - meaning time for you to get your first taste of the intricacies of luncheon service. When we reconvene this afternoon our topic will be “Me and My Shadow,” which will cover the finer points of shadowing employers and guests to ensure, for instance, that bathrooms are always spotless and toilet paper ends forever exquisitely folded, that all pillow zips invariably face down, that
all towels are everlastingly rolled with monograms displayed, and all sun cream and other toiletry bottles are eternally full with labels aligned or lord help you.”
He inclined his head slightly and released them with a benediction in which the irony was at once striking and perhaps unconscious. “You are free to go. God speed and be happy in your work.”
20 Serve Them Well
The last, worst guests had tottered off to their cabins, leaving John and Jane to tidy the salon and ferry the ice buckets below. In the hallway off the galley they met Jen coming the other way, similarly equipped, champagne being the quaff of choice for moonlit nights, the chill of spring on the high seas notwithstanding. Seeing their faces, Jen turned abruptly and would have hied herself to safer surroundings, but they each caught her by an arm and whisked her into the butler’s pantry.
“For a travel agent, you’re a great little slave trader,” John growled. Jane fumbled for a light switch.
“Hey, don’t blame me. It wasn’t my idea. You can thank Blondie’s side of the