The sun was just starting to set when I spotted her. Her track shorts hugged her body like a second skin. She had her back to me as she leaned over the rail to look out at the river, the wind blowing her ponytail to the side, one long leg bent toward the railing with her hands resting gracefully on the top.
I slowed down because I simply wanted to soak in her image. I was finally looking at her after a week of starvation. Right in front of me. Brynne.
I needed my hands on her. They itched to hold her close and touch. But she looked different—slimmer. The nearer I got, the more visible it became. Christ, had she stopped eating in the past week? She must have dropped nearly half a stone. I stopped and stared, anger mixing with concern, but more so understanding that this shit with her past was way bigger than I’d realized up to this point. Lucky us, we can be fucked up together.
She turned around and found me. Our eyes connected and some powerful communication flowed through the breeze between us. Brynne knew how I felt. She should know. I’d told her plenty of times. She had never told me what I’d said to her though. I was still waiting to hear those three words come from her. I love you.
She said my name. I read her lips. I couldn’t hear the sound through the wind, but I saw that she did indeed speak my name. She looked about as relieved as I felt, to see her in one piece and just a few steps from each other. And utterly beautiful to me, as she always was and always had been.
But this was where I stopped. If Brynne wanted me she needed to walk over here and show me how she felt. It would kill me if she didn’t, but my dad’s advice was spot-on true. Everyone had to follow their heart. I followed mine. Now Brynne needed to do the same.
She stepped off the railing and parts inside me thudded when she paused. Almost like she waited for me to make a gesture or come and get her. No, baby. I didn’t smile and neither did she but we certainly made contact.
She had on a turquoise sports top that hugged her breasts and made me think about her naked and underneath me, my hands and mouth taking her all in. I wanted her so badly I ached. I guess that’s what falling in love will do to a person—make you ache in a way for which there is only one cure. Brynne was my cure. Images of her and me making love flashed through my head as I waited for her; the scenes of my desires haunting relentlessly with a craving that burned me from the inside out. I burned for Brynne. Mr. Keats sure knew what he was talking about in his poems.
I held out my hand and locked my eyes onto hers but my feet stayed planted. And then I saw the change. A flicker in her lovely eyes. She understood what I was asking of her. She got it. And again, I was reminded of how good we were together at the most fundamental level. Brynne got me, and that alone made my hunger for her even stronger.
She kept coming until her arm lifted. Closer still until our fingers touched, her smaller, finely formed hand resting in my much bigger one. My fingers wrapped over her wrist and palm in a firm grip and pulled her in the rest of the way. Right up against my chest, body to body. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my head in her hair. The scent I knew and craved was up my nose and in my head again. I had her. I had Brynne again.
I pulled back and took her face in my hands. I held her in that position so I could really look at her. She never wavered with her eyes. My girl was brave. Life sucked at times but she hung in and didn’t shirk away. I looked at her lips and knew I was going to kiss her whether she wanted it or not. I hoped she wanted it.
Her lovely lips were just as soft and sweet as before. More so because I’d been without them for too long. It felt like heaven having my mouth on hers. I sort of got lost in the moment and forgot we were in public. Lost in my Brynne the instant she responded to me.
She kissed me back and it felt so good to feel her tongue tangling with mine I groaned against her mouth. I knew what I wanted to do. And my requirements were few. Privacy. Brynne naked. If only things were that simple. I remembered we were standing amid a crowd of humanity on the Victoria Embankment and unfortunately not anywhere near private.
I stopped kissing and brushed over her bottom lip with my thumb. “You’ll come with me. Right now.”
She nodded into my hands and I kissed her once more. A thank you kiss.
We didn’t talk as we walked to the Rover. We held hands though. I wasn’t letting go until I had to in order to put her in the car. Once she was in the passenger seat and the doors locked I turned and really looked at her. She looked half starved and it made me angry. I remembered the first night we met and how I got her the Power Bar and the water.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“First? To get you some food.” It came out a little harsher than I wanted it to.
She nodded at me and then looked away, out the window.
“After you eat we’ll get a new cell and mobile number for you. I need to have your old one so I can track whoever tries to contact you. All right?”
She looked down at her lap and nodded again. I almost pulled her into my arms and told her everything would be fine, but I held off.
“Then I’m taking you home. My place—home.”
“Ethan, that’s not a good idea,” she whispered, still looking down at her lap.
“Fuck good ideas,” I exploded. “Would you at least look at me?” She turned her eyes up to mine and smoldered in the seat, a hint of red fire flickering, making them look very brown. I wanted to drag her to me and shake her, force her to understand that this bullshit break-up was a thing of the past. She was coming home with me, period. I turned the key in the ignition.
“What do you want from me, Ethan?”
“That’s easy.” I made a rude noise. “I want to go back to ten days ago. I want to be back in my office, fucking on my desk with you wrapped around me! I want your body underneath mine looking up at me with some expression other than the one I saw when you left me at the lifts!” I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and took in air.
“Okay…Ethan.” Her voice sounded shaky and more than a little defeated.
“Okay, Ethan?” I mocked. “What does that mean? Okay I’m coming home with you? Okay to you and me? Okay, I’ll let you secure me? What? I need more from you, Brynne.” I talked to the windshield because I was scared to see her face right now. What if I couldn’t make her understand—
She leaned toward me and put her hand on my leg. “Ethan, I—I need—I need the truth from you. I have to know what is happening around me—”
I immediately covered her hand with mine. “I know, baby. I was wrong for keeping the information from you—”
She shook her head at me. “No, you don’t know. Let me finish what I was saying.” She put her fingers to my lips to shut me up. “You always interrupt me.”
“Shutting up now.” I grabbed at her fingers with my other hand and held them to my lips. I kissed her fingers and didn’t let go. Hell, I’d take any small opportunities I could get.
“Your honesty and bluntness is one of the things I love about you, Ethan. You always told me what you wanted, what you intended to do, how you felt. You were true with me and it made me feel safe.” She tilted her head and shook it. “You have no idea how much I needed that from you. I didn’t fear the unknown because you were so good at telling me exactly what you wanted to happen with us. That really worked for me. But I trusted you implicitly and you damaged that part between us by not being honest, and by not telling me you were hired to protect me. The fact I need protection at all is a mind fuck for me, but don’t you think I’m entitled to fucking know about it?”
God she was sexy when she was all fired up and said bad words. I gave her a moment of triumph because she was completely in the right.
When she tugged her fingers away from my lips, giving me permission to speak, I mouthed my words more than said them. “I am so sorry.” And I was deeply sorry. I had done wrong. Brynne needed the bare naked truth. She had her reasons; it was a requirement for her and I’d blown it. Wait. Did she just say “one of the things I love
about you”?
“But…since I’ve talked to my dad, and he’s told me things I didn’t know before, I realize it’s not totally your fault. Daddy put you in a position you didn’t ask for…and I’ve been trying to see it from your perspective. Your letter helped me understand.”
“So you forgive me and we can put this bloody mess behind us?” I was hopeful but not completely sure. Just tell me straight up so I can guess where to go from this point. I could work with odds like that.
“Ethan, there’s so much you don’t know about me. You don’t really know what happened to me, do you?”
Brynne gave me a look that belied her years from the amount of anguish in it. I wanted to make the anguish go away if I could. I wished I could tell her it didn’t matter for me to know. If it was horrible and it hurt her to tell me then she didn’t have to. But I knew this wasn’t the way for Brynne. She needed to lay all her cards on the table in order to move forward.
“I guess I don’t. I didn’t realize your past had marked you so deeply until recently. I thought I was protecting you from possible political surveillance and exposure for harm or gain depending on who was targeting you. Once I saw that you had demons I cared too much by that point to scare you, or have you hurt by it. I only wanted to protect you and keep us together.” I spoke to her face, so close to mine, soaking her molecules in with every breath.
“I know, Ethan. I get that now.” She moved back fully into her seat. “But you still don’t know everything.” She looked away out the window again. “You won’t like hearing about it. You may not…want…to be together after you know.”
“Don’t say that to me. I know precisely what I want.” I reached for her chin and tugged her my way. “Let’s get some food in you and you can tell me whatever you need to say. Yeah?”
She nodded just slightly in that acquiescent way she’d mastered—the look she was giving me made me utterly insane for her to the point my possessiveness surprised even me.
I knew she was hurting and afraid, but I also knew she was tough and that she would fight her way through whatever haunted her. It wouldn’t change how I felt though. In my eyes, she was my beautiful American girl and she always would be.
“I’m not going anywhere, Brynne. You’re stuck with me and you better get used to it,” I said. I kissed her on the lips and let go of her chin.
She smiled a half smile as I put the car in reverse. “I missed you so much, Ethan.”
“You have no idea.” I reached out and touched her face again. I couldn’t help it. Touching her meant she was really here with me. Feeling her skin and body warmth told me I wasn’t dreaming it. “Food first. You are going to eat something substantial, and I’m going to watch and enjoy every second of your beautiful mouth as you do. What do you fancy right now?”
“I don’t know. Pizza? I’m not exactly dressed for dinner,” she smirked, gesturing to her clothes. “You have on a suit.”
“How you’re dressed is the least of my concerns, baby.” I took her hand to my lips and kissed the soft skin. “You are beautiful to me in anything…or nothing. Especially nothing,” I attempted teasing.
She blushed just slightly. I felt the throb in my cock when I saw her reaction. I wanted her home with me so badly. In my bed where I could reach for her all throughout the night and know she was there with me. I wasn’t letting her get away again.
She once told me she loves it when I kiss her hand. And I know I cannot help myself. It’s hard not to touch and kiss her all the time because I’ve never been a person to deny myself much of anything I want. And I want her.
She mouthed a silent thank you but still looked sad. She probably dreaded our conversation but knew it had to be done. For her own sake she needed to tell me something hard and I would have to listen. If this is what she needed to do in order for us to move forward then I would hear whatever it was.
“Pizza it is then.” I had to let go of her hand to drive but I could manage it. Just barely. My girl was right next to me in my car. I could smell her, and see her, and even touch her if I reached out; she was that close to me. And for the first time in days, the constant ache in my chest had slipped away.
4
Candlelight and pizza are excellent with the right person. For me, the right person was sitting across from me and it wouldn’t have mattered where we were as long as we were together. But Brynne needed food and I needed to hear her story, so Bellissima’s would do as well as any other place.
We had a table in a dark, private corner, a bottle of red wine, and one giant sausage and mushroom to share. I tried not to make her uncomfortable by staring too hard but it was damn difficult not to because my eyes were starved for the view of her. Ravenous.
I did my best to be a considerate listener instead. Across from me Brynne looked like she was struggling with how to begin. I smiled at her and commented on how good the food tasted. I found myself wishing she would eat a little more but kept my mouth shut on that matter. I am sure I’m not a moron. I grew up with an older sister and the lessons learned from Hannah have definitely stuck with me throughout the years. Women don’t like to be told about what to eat or not eat. Best to just leave her alone and hope for the best.
She looked very far away in her head when she started telling me about her life, I didn’t like the sad body language nor the defeated sound to her voice, but those points were irrelevant.
“My parents split when I was fourteen. I didn’t handle it well I guess. I’m an only child so I suppose I reached out for some kind of validation or maybe it was to get back at them for the divorce. Who knows, but bottom line? I was a slut in high school.” She lifted her eyes to mine, steely grey and determined to get her point across. “It’s true, I was. I didn’t make great choices in the boys I dated and I didn’t care about my reputation. I was spoiled and immature, and very stupidly reckless.”
Really! First surprise of the night. I couldn’t imagine Brynne like that and didn’t want to either, but the pragmatic side of me realized most everyone had a past, and my girl was no different. She picked up her wineglass and stared into it like she was remembering. I didn’t say anything. I just listened and soaked in the sight of her so close to me.
“There was this news story that went viral in California a few years back. A sheriff’s son made a video of a girl at a party. She was passed out drunk when him and two of his buddies fucked her and toyed with her on the pool table.”
I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise up. Please, no. “I remember that,” I said, forcing myself to listen and trying not to react much. “The sheriff tried to suppress evidence against his son but it leaked out and the motherfuckers got convicted anyway.”
“Yeah…in that case they did.” She looked down at her pizza and then back up at me. “Not in mine though.”
Her eyes got glassy and suddenly I didn’t feel like eating either.
“I went to a party with my friend Jessica and we got drunk of course. So drunk I don’t remember anything that happened until I woke up and heard them laughing and talking about me.” She took a big gulp of wine before she continued. “Lance Oakley was—is—a total asshole, entitled, rich deviant. His dad was a California state senator at the time. I don’t know why I ever went out with him. Probably because he merely asked. Like I said before, I didn’t make good choices with my behavior. I took risks. That’s how much I didn’t care about myself.”
I hate this.
“He was away at college and I was in my senior year of high school. I guess he felt entitled whenever he came home that I would be around for him but we weren’t exclusive by any means. I know he cheated. I guess he just expected I would pine away waiting for him to come home from college and be his convenience. I did know he was mad at me for going out with another boy I met at a track meet, but not how cruel he would be because of it.”
“You were track and field at your school?” I asked.
“Yeah...the running.” She nodded and looked into her glass a
gain. “So I wake up in a total fog and not able to move my limbs. We think he may have put something in my drinks…” She swallowed hard and continued bravely on. “They were talking about me but I didn’t know it was me at first. Or what they had done to me. There were three of them, all on Thanksgiving break from college. I didn’t even know the other two guys, only Lance. They were not from my school.” She took a drink of her wine. “I could hear them laughing at someone. Saying how they shoved a pool stick and a bottle and—and fucked her with those things—how she was a whore who begged for it.”
Brynne closed her eyes and breathed in deep. I ached for her. I wanted to kill Oakley and his friend, and wished his dead buddy was still alive so I could kill him too. I had no idea about this. I’d assumed it was just a youthful indiscretion that some idiot decided to video—not a full blown sexual assault on a seventeen year old girl. I reached out for her hand and covered it with mine. She stilled for an instant and closed her eyes tighter, but she didn’t flinch away. Again, her bravery humbled me and I waited for her to say more.
“I had no idea they were talking about me though, I was so out of it. When I could move my legs and arms I struggled to get up. They laughed and left me there on the table. I knew I’d had sex but I didn’t know with whom or any details. I felt sick and hung-over. I just wanted to get out of that house. So I pulled my clothes back together, found Jessica, and got a ride home.”
A growl came unbidden out of my throat. I couldn’t help it. Even to my ears I sounded like a dog. Brynne looked up at me almost startled for a second and then down at my hand on top of hers. I focused on her and pulled my emotions together. Losing my cool wouldn’t help Brynne at all, so I brushed my thumb over her hand slowly back and forth, hoping like hell she understood how much it hurt me to hear of her being used like that. My mind was reeling with what she’d shared. At the time of the crime, the perpetrators had been adults and she’d been underage. Interesting. And I couldn’t figure out why Tom Bennett had omitted this information when he’d hired me. He was likely just trying to protect the reputation of his only child. No wonder he got volatile when he found out we were sleeping together.