I suck in a breath, trying not to let on just how freaked out I am. “I just . . . I’m lonely, Mamma. And tired. And I’m worried about the future, and I don’t know. It kind of all overwhelmed me this morning.”
Understatement of the century. But I hate making her worry.
“Why are you worried about the future? Are classes not going well?”
“No, classes are great. I’m doing really, really well. Still on track to graduate early, and I’ve been researching and talking to my professors about grad programs.” Grad programs that I should already have researched enough to know my top choices so I can start thinking about the application process. But for some reason, I just can’t get myself to make a decision. “But, Mamma, what if I’m wrong? I picked biomedical engineering based on an aptitude test and an article I read in a science magazine when I was seventeen. And I know we got my tuition covered here at Rusk, but grad school won’t be that easy. It will be expensive. And . . . and I’m just worried that I’m going to spend all this time and money on something I arbitrarily chose as a teenager. Something that I could have gotten wrong.”
“If you got it wrong, so what? You think you have to get everything right on your first try?”
“With something like this? Yes. I do.”
“Oh, psssh. You are twenty years old. And you are brilliant and beautiful and driven, but you are not perfect, despite how often it seems so.” I do a weird, gurgly, sobbing laugh, and I can’t help but think about Torres last night. He called me perfect. Several times. But that was an entirely different kind of compliment, and one that has no business sneaking in around thoughts of my mom. She continues, “You are allowed to make mistakes, Nell. And even though it might seem right now like one mistake is enough to derail your entire future, it’s not.”
“You don’t understand, Mom.”
“Don’t I? I might not have gone to college or picked some high-tech career, but we all make choices. You don’t think I agonized over whether or not to marry your father? You don’t think both of us had doubts about taking over the restaurant? You don’t think it’s terrifying to raise children? To know that every choice you make not only determines your future, but theirs, too? The future is never just one choice. It’s a thousand. And they never stop. You will choose your future every day of your life. And should you wake up one day to find that you regret the choice you made the day before, then you make a new one. Don’t worry about whether you might be wrong someday. Worry about whether you’re right now. Tomorrow can wait.”
“Tomorrow can wait,” I repeat. The tears are still flowing, but I no longer feel like I’m choking on some invisible ache in my throat. I no longer have to gasp for breath.
“It can,” she promises. “No point worrying about what happens at the end of the road when there’s a hundred steps to take before you get there. You worry about today’s step. Because I promise you, passerotta, there will come a day when you stop obsessing over what lies ahead and begin to look backward instead. And when that day comes, it won’t matter so much whether every step was in the right direction because life is not a straight line. It will only matter that you took them. That you never let yourself stand still.”
“I don’t know why people always call me the smart one,” I say. “You definitely have me beat.”
She laughs, and the sound lifts me in a way that even her words didn’t quite manage to do. “I am firmly in the looking-backward stage,” she says. “And things are much easier to understand on this side.”
“Thanks, Mamma.”
“You’re welcome. And I’m glad you called. Do it more often.”
I agree, and we say our good-byes, and when we hang up, I know exactly what I want to do today. It’s officially November now, and I graduate in mid-December. If that’s all I have left, I’m going to use every day I have. Maybe I am wrong. But short of tacking on another major, it’s too late to change my plans completely. I want to check another item off my list, but I can’t do it alone.
Chapter 12
Mateo
There’s no feeling quite as miserable as returning to a locker room after losing a game. A home game, too, which makes it twice as bad. We went into this game 6–1 on the season, and this was supposed to be the game where we officially surpassed last season’s 6–6 record. And even though 6–2 isn’t bad, there’s this air of uncertainty in the locker room. This deep unspoken fear that everything is going to go downhill moving forward, that maybe we’ll fall short again and again until we end up right back at 6–6 for the second year in a row.
I shed my uniform, and Brookes lets out a low whistle beside me. There’s a massive purple-black bruise already forming on my left hip and up onto my side.
“That hit at the top of the half?” he asks, and I nod. He shakes his head. “I knew it. That one looked brutal.”
I shrug. “Could have been worse. A few inches over and that second dude’s knee could have landed in a much more vulnerable place.”
It had been my best catch of the game. I’d had to jump high to get it, and I had two guys trying to block it. We all collided in the air, and we ended up hitting the ground in a tangle of limbs with me on the bottom.
The coaches infiltrate the room then, and Coach Cole steps up into his usual place beside the whiteboard.
“You all know what I’m going to say,” he begins, “but I’ve got to say it anyway. We played a sloppy first half. I’m sure we could blame it on the fact that we had last week off, and that some of you, no doubt, overindulged last night on Halloween. Whatever the reason, it was not up to par with what this team is capable of.”
There’s one reason he doesn’t name, but I have no doubt that most of the team is thinking of it.
Jake Carter.
Formerly one of our team leaders, a senior lineman, and one of our defense’s biggest assets. He’s the dude that assaulted Stella at a party back in September. He hasn’t been suspended by the university, nor has the district attorney brought him up on charges, but Coach got the athletic director to permanently suspend him from the team. Our defense is a hell of a lot weaker without him, but the majority of the team doesn’t give a fuck.
There is the minority, though. Guys I’ve heard grumbling about Coach’s decision. None of them have dared to outright mention Stella’s name yet. They’re not that stupid, but you can tell they talk about it when those of us that know Stella are not around. It doesn’t help that she refuses to talk about it, to set the record straight. Hell, I don’t even really know exactly what happened, I just know it was bad. But without the facts, I hear people making up their own, and I don’t like it. Not at all.
Doesn’t help that the dick is still on campus. I’m sure he’s spreading his own version of the story all over the place.
When I tune back into Coach’s speech, he’s on to the second half now, where we finally got our asses into gear. Unfortunately, it was too late. We got close, within three points, but we just couldn’t make it all the way back in time.
“Whatever the hell happened tonight, I expect it to be out of your system. And next week, we come back looking like the team I know you are. Other people may underestimate us, but we never let that be an excuse for doing less than our best. I don’t underestimate you. I know just how much effort and sweat and strength and heart you can give me. And I swear to God, the next time we step on this field, I better get it. You understand?”
“Yes, sir,” we answer.
“I believe in this team. I believe we can surprise people. That we can be more than the small team in this conference. I believe that each and every one of you is so much more than people ever give you credit for. I’ve coached a lot of players. I’ve coached guys who have gone pro and guys who haven’t, and I can tell you that the biggest difference between those groups is that those who go on to a future in this game know how to rise to the occasion. They know how to show up. And they do it when they’re tired. They do it when they’re hurting. They do it when they’re
distracted. They know how to put all that aside and play. And that’s what I need from you all. That’s what I expect from you.”
Someone to my left, Carson, I think, says, “Yes, sir,” and the rest of us follow.
Coach tosses the towel on his shoulder into the laundry cart and tells us, “Clean up. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and be ready to work on Monday.”
We gather closer, not quite in our normal circle because the layout of the locker room won’t allow it, but we put our hands out as if we’re circled up. Coach counts to three and we break with our usual chant of “No Easy Days.”
And goddamn if those words aren’t true.
As I hit the showers, I know I’m one of the ones who fell short during the first half. Not because I overindulged last night . . . well, not on alcohol at least. And I sure didn’t take things easy last week. The one downside (or maybe upside) of being friends with the quarterback and captain is you don’t get to take things easy. Because when the coaches aren’t looking, McClain most definitely is. And if not him, Moore or Brookes. And not a single one of those guys would let me get away with dragging my ass if I were ever so inclined. Not that I want to. The goal has always been football. It’s not just the end of the road for me; it is the road.
No, I was off my game because of Nell. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her skin. Her mouth. Her curves. The barely shielded panic in her eyes when she asked me to stop. The fact that she’d practically run away from me. And that last devastating look she gave me before she left with Dylan and Silas.
All of that would have been enough to do my head in, but it only got worse. I dreamed about Lina. About Nell. About both of them. They kept morphing into each other in my dream, and I couldn’t keep up with who was who. I dreamed of that last fight that Lina and I had, when she ended things for good. Only I had the fight with Nell, and then Lina showed up, and everyone was fighting with everyone, and I woke up pissed and confused and hard.
Even in the second half of the game, I played better, but my head still wasn’t quite my own. It doesn’t help when I exit the locker room with Brookes, just behind McClain and Moore, and we watch them reunite with their waiting girlfriends. They stand there holding each other as we approach, and there’s a sting of something that might be envy in my gut.
Lina never much liked football. She came to my games, but she didn’t think it was smart of me to pin my entire future on a sport where I could be injured or replaced or just plain not good enough. She was fond of calling it a hobby, not a career. And as much as I loved her, I loved football, too. And in the end, I chose the sport over her one too many times.
Needing a distraction, I look over at Brookes and say, “You need a hug, Isaiah? I could hold you if that would help.”
McClain gives me the finger. Moore actually pauses from kissing Dylan long enough to say, “Fuck off, Torres.”
I smile, feeling a little more normal, not to mention pleased when the couples end their affectionate hellos.
Dylan says to Silas, “Dallas is going to drop me off at home to get some things and my car, but then I’ll head over to your place?”
“I’ll be there,” he answers.
“Me, too,” I say, and Dylan gives me a patient smile.
“I’ll see you, too.”
Moore lifts his chin to McClain and says, “You and Dallas are welcome to join. It’ll just be us. Low-key. Just some TV or something, and Dylan said she’d cook.”
Dallas says, “Sure. I think we’d like that.”
“Don’t expect too much,” Dylan says. “I get by, but Antonella’s the real cook in our house.”
My chest tightens at her name, and the words are out of my mouth before I can help them. “You should bring her with you.”
Dylan gives me a searching look, but she doesn’t make any more speeches, nor does she tell the group about my little infatuation.
“I’ll ask.”
Then thoughts of Nell consume me on my drive home, and the whole time Silas, Isaiah, and I spend tidying up the apartment before everyone’s arrival. Will she avoid me? Ignore me? What will I have to say to get her to open up to me again? It won’t be easy. There will be too many people around, and she’s shy, but I’ve got to figure out some way to talk to her. I’m not okay with leaving things the way they were last night, and if I’m honest, I definitely don’t want a few minutes in a pool to be it between us. I need more time. Right now, she hasn’t blocked out Lina like I planned. Instead, she’s just stirred up even more memories, and I can’t live like this. It will keep messing with my head until I crash and burn. Or worse . . . until I call Lina. Something I haven’t allowed myself to do in nearly a year now. Because as good as it always felt to hear her voice, the stilted conversation, the space between us, was a knife to the chest. And I spent too damn long being a masochist over her.
Nell is supposed to end that. She has to end it.
Just as we finish cleaning up the living room, Silas gets a call from Dylan, and I listen in to his side of the conversation.
“Hey . . . Oh. Okay . . . Yeah, I’ll call McClain and tell him . . . It’s fine, Dylan. Really. Is she okay?”
She? Who is she? Nell?
“No,” Silas continues. “I’ll be fine alone.” Even I can hear the disappointment in his voice, which is why I’m guessing there’s a longer gap as Silas listens to whatever Dylan is saying. “You’re sure? If you need to just be with her—” He gets cut off. “You’re sure? We won’t just get in the way?” He pauses and then nods. “Okay, I’ll be there in ten.”
He hangs up and turns to Brookes and me. “Change of plans. Dylan needs to be at her apartment, so she can’t come over. But she said you guys are welcome to come over there instead if you want.”
He calls Carson, and that’s when I get the real explanation.
Nell is drunk, and Dylan doesn’t want to leave her home alone. When he hangs up the phone, I can’t hide my shock. “Nell is drunk? The Nell that lives with Dylan?”
“Wasted, apparently.”
“I’m in,” I say, and when we both look at Brookes, he’s watching me. And I can tell by the look he’s giving me that he knows I’ve got something going on with Nell and doesn’t approve. I lift an eyebrow in the most casual so-what? gesture I can offer.
He nods. “Sure. I’ll come.” But the words are said to me, not to Silas, and I get the feeling what he actually means is, Sure. I’ll come watch and make sure Torres doesn’t do anything stupid.
We tell Silas to go on ahead, and we’ll come along in a few minutes. But as soon as Brookes is in his room, I jog after Silas, and catch him as he’s getting into his truck. “You mind if I catch a ride with you?” I lie, “Brookes got a call, and he’s gonna be a bit.”
While Silas drives, he has me text Brookes and McClain the address. Brookes wants to know why I left with Silas, but I’m not about to tell him that I didn’t want to spend the car ride with him harping on me to leave Nell alone.
Because I can’t leave her alone. I just can’t.
Silas parks the truck, and I follow him up a metal and concrete staircase to a second-floor apartment. He opens the door without knocking, and that’s when I see Nell standing on the coffee table with some big red-haired dude, singing Spice Girls at the top of her lungs. We step inside just as she’s telling him what to do if he wants to be her lover.
I think of her list. She told me getting drunk was on it, and all of a sudden I’m furious that this guy got to help her check that task off instead of me. “Nell,” I say, before I think better of it. She twists to see me, and her socked feet slide on the coffee table, and then she’s stumbling into the ginger giant, and both of them are going down. I dart forward, but I can’t catch up to her. They hit the ground with a thud, a groan, and Nell’s too-cute giggles. She’s lying right on top of him, and he has his hands on her bare back where her shirt has ridden up from the yoga pants that fit her like a fucking miracle.
She lays her head in the cro
ok of his neck like she’s completely forgotten that I’m here. If I stopped to think, I’d have known how crazy it would look to storm over and tear her off the guy. I would realize what my actions would mean to Silas and Dylan. But I don’t think. I just know I can’t spend one more second watching her snuggled up against this guy without losing my mind. She squeals as I pull her up into my arms, and I don’t think her feet are even touching the ground.
“You okay?” I ask, but all she does is laugh again and lay her head on my chest. I catch a whiff of alcohol, a strong one, and I realize she really is completely smashed. She probably doesn’t have a clue who she’s snuggling up against. Probably can’t even tell the difference between me and whoever the fuck is on the floor.
But even if she doesn’t realize what she’s doing . . . it feels damn good to have her wrapped around me again, and for a few seconds it dazes me. Then I look up to find everyone in the room watching us.
Damn.
I lock eyes with Dylan and say, “How did this happen?”
“I’m still working on that. As far as I can tell, she decided she wanted to invent her own cocktail, and she enlisted our friend Matt’s help.” Ah. Matt. He’s one of Dylan’s activist friends. I didn’t realize he was close to Nell, too. Nell points to him sprawled out on the floor and adds, “This is what happens when you spend all day trying lots of different mixes of alcohol.”
That seems to catch Nell’s attention enough to rouse her, because she pulls back and places both her small hands on my face.
“I figured it out. It took me a long time, but I got it. I call it Newton’s Third Law.”
“Uhh . . .”
“Get it? Yours was Bad Decision. And mine . . . is Newton’s Third Law.” She descends into giggles again, and I scan my dormant science knowledge to try and remember what she’s talking about. I’d taken a physics course last year for my kinesiology major, but I just barely scraped by. Unlike high school, where I was concerned with keeping up to impress Lina, last year I’d been mostly focused on forgetting her.