‘And it seems like you’re very cooperative towards it. That usually happens the longer a feeling has lingered. You have a routine. You don’t fight against it and it doesn’t fight against you.’
‘No… we… erm… we get along just fine.’
‘Interesting.’ Lonely typed some notes onto the screen. ‘It’ll be quite the monster to remove.’
‘Remove?’ Instinctively, Cherry reached out behind her and simultaneously Loneliness clutched Cherry’s shoulders. She didn’t want to feel lonely any more but Cherry didn’t like the way Lonely had said ‘remove’.
‘Mmm, yes.’ Lonely nodded. ‘Remove. We’re going to get rid of it.’
‘Why do you need to get rid of it? Can’t I just have lenses and then I won’t even know it’s there?’
‘You already have lenses. This is something more permanent.’
‘Why can’t you just shrink the feelings gradually? Give everyone a dose of the counteracting feeling? Like —’
‘Like you did? Yes, we’ve all heard about your kind-hearted approach.’
‘And what’s wrong with that? It worked.’
‘It takes too much time.’ Lonely threw up her hands. ‘It’s as simple as that. No one wants to be told their heartbreak will go away eventually. They want it gone immediately. We can offer that to people.’
‘Wait… do you mean… normal people? People who can’t see what we see?’
‘Come here,’ Lonely said, beckoning Cherry over to the screen.
She pressed the pad of her thumb onto a small green square on the bottom right hand corner. The screen went dark and then flashed, capturing an unflattering image of Cherry’s face that remained on the screen for a brief moment before disappearing and leaving a four-way split screen showing security footage in its place.
‘These are the live feeds from our main examination rooms. They took 555 down about half an hour before you arrived so they should start her removal process… ah, yes. There we are.’
Lonely touched the top left quarter and it filled the screen. It took a moment for Cherry to figure out what was going on but when she did, she watched in horror. A large, grey Meddlum was on its haunches, cowering, its long claws covering its ears and clutching its head. There was a woman on the other side of the room writhing around. Her mouth was wide open, her teeth bared like some kind of animal. Her hair was slick with sweat and plastered across her forehead and she was scratching at her shoulders, her chest, her stomach, as though her whole body was on fire. If the three doctors in the room hadn’t been moving at a normal pace, Cherry would have thought this footage had been sped up. Cherry peered closer, noticing something between the woman and her Meddlum.
‘What are all those red… strings?’
‘When we bring a Meddlum into our world, when we make it real, we also bring form to the attachments it has created between itself and its owner. To detach a Meddlum, one simply has to…’ Lonely gestured to the screen as one of the doctors took a scalpel and reached out to slice through one of the strings. Each half fell limp and the woman in the corner dropped to her knees, writhing in even more agony than before.
‘… cut the ties! Marvellous, isn’t it?’ Lonely said, without a trace of remorse.
‘No.’ Cherry shook her head. ‘It’s barbaric! She’s in pain! They both are! How can you think putting someone through that much agony is OK?’
‘We’ve tried all kinds of anaesthetics. We’ve tried every painkiller under the sun, but we’re dealing with emotions. It’s not the same as physical pain. Nothing will dull it. Besides, she asked for it.’
‘No one deserves this,’ Cherry said, clenching her fists.
‘No, 601, I mean she actually asked for it. That woman came here voluntarily. It’s rare but it happens. She signed a contract – I assure you she’s here of her own free will. Look a little closer at what she’s trying to get rid of.’
Cherry squinted at the screen. ‘Is that Grief?’
‘Precisely. This is a far briefer torture than if we’d let her be. When it’s over, she won’t feel a thing and Grief will be gone for good.’ Lonely laid her hand flat against the screen, turning it to black.
‘Surely not… for good? It’s like cutting down a tree, isn’t it? It’ll just grow back… won’t it?’ Cherry asked, walking back around the table to stand in front of Loneliness.
‘Not if you pull it out from the roots. You’re better off leaving it to the professionals, 601,’ Lonely said, taking up a clipboard and sitting down on her side of the table.
‘It’s Cherry and it doesn’t seem right when the “professionals” don’t really know what they’re doing. You don’t know what kind of lasting damage you’re doing to her. She needs to learn how to live with her grief otherwise she’ll never get over it. Not really. That’s why I opened my bakeries —’
‘Baking cakes doesn’t mean anything here, 601.’
‘My name is Cherry.’
‘Not here it’s not.’ Lonely looked up at Cherry, her eyes and words vacant, and yet Cherry could hear them in her head, full of vitriol.
‘Is that the plan? Give everyone a number, take away their feelings and turn them into… into robots?’
‘The world would be far more efficient that way, don’t you think? Feelings get in the way of rational judgement. Anger and resentment break up families. Heartbreak and grief linger and become distractions. It’s all unnecessary. Taking away those feelings means people can continue with their lives ‘
‘That’s madness! Feelings are part of life! Feelings are life! If you take away what people feel you take away anything meaningful. People’s hearts break because they once cared. They cared so much for something that the loss of it actually makes them feel like they have a hole in their chests.’
‘And we can fix that.’
‘No, you’re missing the point. You’re essentially taking away consequence. If you take away Heartbreak, people will care less about losing what they love so that won’t be real love at all. If you take away Guilt, people will drink, eat and gamble their lives away without thinking about how that might affect people they care about. If you take away Loneliness…’ Cherry’s voice broke, ‘you’re taking away what it means to be loved. What it means to be surrounded by people who cherish you. What it means to be so scared of being alone that you treasure every single day that the people you care about are by your side. Wanting to diminish the evil in this world is a good cause, one I have fought for the majority of my life… but not like this. I won’t let you do this.’
Cherry ran for the door. She smacked her fist against it until she could feel the bruises forming. All the while Lonely simply watched her. Had her emotions not already been deadened and numb, she would have watched with amusement. Cherry kicked the keypad. Cherry thought of Chase in his cell and kicked it again. She thought of Peter running and hiding for the rest of his life and she kicked it again. This time she heard a sharp crack and the keypad broke clean off of the wall. The door, finally, slid open and Cherry ran.
‘SUITS!’ Lonely shouted without a trace of feeling. In her mind, she was only shouting to raise awareness, not because emotions were running high. ‘SUITS! WE HAVE A BREAK OUT!’
Cherry ran out of the room and along the window-lined corridor but four blue suits were already charging at her. She came to a halt, her bare feet slipping on the shiny green floor, and turned around only to see three more blues coming for her. Cherry backed up against the windows, Loneliness next to her, scratching the glass. Cherry looked at it but its fingers started to fade. They’ve turned the lenses back on, Cherry thought. Loneliness kept clawing and whimpering and fading, and Cherry kept blinking and rubbing her eyes, trying to stop the lenses from turning on again, not wanting to feel like she was losing her feelings. Not yet.
But it was no good. Loneliness had completely vanished. Cherry knew it was still there, but she hated not being able to see it. ‘Don’t do this,’ she said to Lonely, who had caught up to her, a
syringe in her hand.
‘Like I said, 601.’ Cherry didn’t bother struggling as the needle was plunged into her arm. ‘Leave it to the professionals.’
23
Inside The Guild
Cherry sat bolt upright on the green floor. She looked around but with just one light working in the centre of the room, it was hard to see clearly. She knew she wasn’t in her cell, though.
‘Why do I keep waking up in different rooms?’ Cherry mumbled, her arm tingling.
‘I keep asking myself the same question,’ came Chase’s voice. He was sat a few feet away from her, still in his gown, looking at her in concern. ‘Are you all right?’ he asked.
‘Fine. I think.’ Cherry rubbed her arm, her skin cold. ‘You?’
‘My eyes are still stinging but I’m as good as I’ll ever be while I’m here.’ Chase then looked over his shoulder and mouthed, ‘They’re watching.’
Cherry glanced at the wall behind Chase and saw that there was a large rectangular mirror. She guessed that a whole host of white-clad, sadistic scientists were on the other side of it, watching them. A speaker in the corner of the room crackled.
‘598 and 601, please stand on the black Xs on the floor.’ It sounded like a woman’s voice but without inflection or tone, it was hard to tell. Everyone sounded too similar.
‘Best just do it,’ Chase said, standing up awkwardly and pulling his gown down, not minding if it slipped off his shoulders as long as it covered everything below the waist. Cherry held her gown closed behind her back and found one of the two exes just left of the centre of the room. Chase stood on his X and faced her.
‘Commencing Realisation in five…’
Their exes lit up beneath their feet. Cherry tried to move but she was rooted to the spot.
‘Realisation?’ she said, her heart thumping. Her legs felt like lead so she grabbed her knees to try and get them to move but something had her trapped.
‘Four…’
‘What’s going on?!’ Chase shouted.
‘Three…’
‘STOP!’ Cherry screamed, putting her hands over her ears, her vision starting to fade.
‘Two…’
‘Breathe, Cherry.’ Chase’s voice soothed her and she clung onto that feeling.
‘ONE!’
There was a moment of silence before the room filled with bright, white light and a gentle hum filled the air. Cherry felt a sensation in the base of her neck, like a beetle was burrowing itself into her brain. She scratched desperately and when the sensation became a sharp pinch she started to pull at her hair, tears streaming down her cheeks. The hum elevated to a crescendo and Cherry’s body filled with heat. As the sound intensified, so did the heat. It was a slow build-up at first and then all of a sudden Cherry felt she might burst into flames. She screamed. She squinted through her streaming eyes and brought her hands to her face – they were white hot and smoking. Chase had tried to hold in his pain for as long as possible but finally his voice barrelled out of him in a roar. Both of them tried to move their feet, tried to run but it was as though they were melted to the floor. They were trapped. The light disappeared and the two of them dropped to the ground immediately. Smoke continued to rise from their bodies but the fire in their veins was subsiding. Cherry moved in and out of consciousness, her vision fading until she finally gave in and let the darkness consume her.
Cherry stirred. Her skin was sore and tender but when she brushed a hand over it, it felt smooth and unharmed. However, when she reached up to delicately stroke her aching head, some of her hair came away in her hand, crispy and charred. She opened her eyes slowly but caught in her eyelashes was a thick piece of red string. She lifted her arm to find several strings were attached to her, trailing all the way up to her shoulders. Cherry sat up and looked down at her legs which were also tangled in red strands that all disappeared off into the darkness on the other side of the room.
‘So these three are what you can see when you look at me?’ Chase said. He was sat in the opposite corner to Cherry but he didn’t look at her. Instead he was watching the darkness intently where three pairs of glowing eyes were staring back. Frustration, Mischief and Cynicism were standing in a row, holding hands.
‘You can see them?’ Cherry said.
Chase nodded once. ‘Thanks to our friends here at the Guild, I’m not entirely in control of what I do or don’t see any more.’ Chase gestured to the mirrors.
‘Realisation,’ Cherry murmured. ‘Chase, I think… I think they’re real. They’ve made your Meddlums… real. They’ve given them form so they’re visible to everyone.’ Cherry remembered what she’d seen on the screen in the examination room and she was filled with trepidation. She knew what was coming next.
‘How can you see past them? They’re… monsters. I’m a monster,’ Chase whispered.
‘What do you mean? They’re… they’re Meddlums. They’re the worst parts of ourselves. Every bad thing we ever feel manifests itself in them but they aren’t us. They don’t have to define us.’
‘No, Cherry. Monsters like these could only belong to a monster,’ Chase spat out, taking a step towards his three vices. They shuffled backwards.
‘Do you really believe that?’ Cherry stood shakily.
‘You don’t?’ Chase said, finally looking at her.
‘I think it’s time you met someone.’ Cherry walked towards Chase but she looked past him, past Frustration, Mischief and Cynicism and into a pair of eyes that were barely visible in the dim light of the room. Its fur was so dark that it had been hidden well until Cherry beckoned to it. The red strings attached to her arms tightened as Loneliness stood. Most of the time it was hunched so it could look Cherry in the eyes but now as it straightened up properly, Cherry could see it was at least seven feet tall. Since Chase had been around, Loneliness hadn’t been in the best shape so clumps of fur were missing, its claws were chipped and its eyes were bloodshot and yellow.
‘What is that thing?’ Chase backed away from Cherry and her Meddlum and pressed his back into the wall.
‘This is Loneliness. My lifelong companion.’
‘It’s… oh God, Cherry, it’s hideous.’ He looked horrified.
‘I know, Chase.’ Cherry turned back to Loneliness who reached out and held her hand. Its scaly hands were cold and clammy and twice the size of hers but even so, it wrapped both of them around her palm and squeezed. ‘But it’s mine.’
‘How have you lived your whole life, knowing it’s there, lurking behind you? How have you never tried to get rid of it?’ Chase slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor.
‘I have. You know I have. It’s not as easy as it looks. You can’t switch your emotions on and off like a light and when you’ve grown up with… this…’ She pointed at her eyes, ‘with what we can do, you don’t end up with many friends. My dad left when I was a kid and then my other dad died and… I didn’t have a lot of people to love and care for, okay? But Loneliness has followed me everywhere I go. There have been times when it’s shrunk and there have been times it’s been ten feet tall and it’s blocked out the sun, but don’t you see? If Loneliness hadn’t always been there, reminding me of everything I didn’t have, I wouldn’t appreciate having you in my life half as much as I do.’ Several tears spilled over and Loneliness caught them on its finger and wiped them on its fur. Cherry moved over to Chase and crouched next to him, bundling up her attachments to Loneliness and putting them in her lap, careful not to entangle them with Chase’s. ‘As much as you hate it, they are yours.’ Cherry looked over at Frustration yanking Mischief and Cynicism into itself to create a creepy family portrait. ‘You have to take the bad with the good, and the bad make you grateful for the good you have in your life. They don’t make you a monster. You’re a good man, Chase. You can work to make them smaller or you can wallow in this self-pity, but either way,’ she lowered her voice and turned her head away from the mirror, ‘we have to get out of here.’ She took Chase’s hand, stood and gave him
a tug but he didn’t move. ‘Chase… come on.’
‘I don’t think I want to leave just yet,’ he said, looking at the floor.
‘What? Chase, what are you talking about?’
‘It might help, what they do here might help me… get rid of them.’
‘Chase, no!’ Cherry grabbed his hands urgently. ‘This place is… evil. There’s no good here. They don’t care about you, about me. They literally sever you from your feelings. I watched a woman almost claw her body to shreds because of the pain of it all. This won’t help. It will make you less… you.’
‘But how do you really know that? It might not be that bad.’
‘Chase… you’re scaring me now.’ Cherry crouched back by his side, desperation settling over her.
‘If someone wants to stop feeling frustrated or cynical, why shouldn’t there be a place they can go? What if someone’s constantly feeling bitter and defeated and they can’t help taking it out on the world? Why shouldn’t they have the choice to be free of that?’
‘Because it’s a cop-out, Chase! It might get rid of the feelings but it’ll deaden the rest of your emotions too, and you’ll be less of a person. You can’t help how you feel, but you can choose how you treat other people as a result. You are in control of that. If you want to stop being an arsehole, you work on not being an arsehole! But if you want to stop feeling frustrated with the world and cynical towards every kind-hearted person you meet, then talk your problems away! Find a friend, a professional, someone you can confide in. You don’t let some experimental scientists, who don’t know what they’re doing, come at the fabric of your soul with a fucking knife and turn you into a robot! NOW GET UP AND HELP ME!’ Cherry yanked his arm and he slid towards her a fraction, his resistance still putting up a fight.
‘Chase…’
‘I’m staying, Cherry. I don’t want to be the owner of them any more.’
‘Can’t you see all the good there is, too?’
‘Everything good has gone,’ Chase said miserably.